So, first off-- Brother (I'm 95% confident he's Mormon) Agent O'Riley was talking about how adrenaline affects us in situations where we need to defend ourselves. He drilled into our heads the fact that there are inevitable physiological reactions to psychological experiences. Physiology and psychology go hand in. When someone comes after us with a knife, we naturally get kind of freaked out- that is a psychological reaction. Along with it, comes the adrenaline rush (physiological). Tunnel vision. Exaggerated gross motor skills, but poor fine motor skills (don't even try to play the flute when being attacked). And so on. He talked about using those physiological reactions to our advantage and not letting them take advantage of us. (Punching, kicking, and shoving an attacker however you can will be much easier than trying to contort their fingers or strategically land a ninja-style kick.)
Related this same statement he made, was the statement which I wrote down (in the little notebook that travels with me everywhere for just this purpose): We cannot control our physiological reaction, but we can (at least to an extent) control our psychological reactions. I found that piece of advice particularly applicable to me.
I cannot change that fact that when I get really anxious, I also get really nauseous. I can't change the fact that stress- whether it be actually "stressing out" or merely mental or physical exertion- results in a pronounced physiological response for me. I get migraines; I throw up; I become (easily) exhausted; I get sore all over; I can't think clearly; I end up doing nothing but staying at home.
These things I cannot change. That is just how my body and mind are wired togethor. Maybe, over time, that will change, but for now, that's my reality.
What I can do, however, is control (to a significant extent) the psychological triggers for these unpleasant physiological experiences. I can train myself to be more calm. I can manage time better. I can learn and then abide to my limits. I can change those limits by slowly adhering to and then pushing them ever so slightly, yet steadily. I can change the way I think, and thusly, I can change the way I physically feel.
I'm not saying that I can cure myself of my nausea, migraines, IBS.... by changing the way I think-- by changing my instincts-- but I can definately put myself in a much better position. Emotional and Spiritual health are much more important than physical health. Of course the three are related- tightly interwoven- but notice how if one were to take physical health out of the picture it is still possible to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. But a removal spiritual health results in a disintigration of emotional health (and vice versa) and often results in a decline in physical health as well.
Strengthening ourselves emotionally and spiritually gives us the power to deal with physical struggles.
Having the Spirit in our lives can do so much for us in so many different ways. Being spiritually healthy on occasion will cure ailments, but more importantly- it always provides strength to endure. I think, also, that it can help catalyze medical treatment. Let me explain.
Recently (in the past month or so) I have begun to feel better. It's amazing. I keep waiting for this upswing in my health to stop, but so far it hasn't. I still am sick much of the time. I still throw up. I still get migraines. But they affect me less. The migraines are less often and less severe. The nausea is still constant, but less noticeable (yes- thanks in large part to the lovely zofran). I have, overall, been able to do more (I'll post more about that sometime soon, I guess). I have been able to see people more often, stick to commitments, etc. etc. It's been amazing. I was trying to figure out last week or the week prior what might have triggered this change. Was it a change in medication? Diet? Exercise? Routine?.... Something had to trigger this change.
And then I figured it out.
I started feeling better (gradually yes, but still noticeably) right around the time I seriously committed myself to having the Spirit in my life more. In making my spiritual well-being a priority, I was blessed by an improvement in my physical (and emotional) health.
The "little things" (reading your scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping Christ in mind) really do make all the difference. They open the door for the Spirit, and allow us to be influenced and blessed by it. I am so grateful for this. I understand that my physical health will fluctuate, that's just the nature of what I have to endure, but my ability to cope- to deal-, with health problems will continue to improve; as will my happiness and peace.
Peace is very interesting. I have a tendency to freak out. I don't get panic attacks all that often any more, but my anxiety level is still higher than the "average" person's. I usually think of myself as having it under control, but lately, with all the things I've had to worry about, my anxiety levels have been a bit higher than my own average. I have even had a few panic attacks. Nonetheless, I have found that it is still possible to have peace. (I wrote about a particular experience here.) I realized after FHE (and commented on it to Excellent Friend) that I was feeling peaceful. Today has been up and down for me (feeling crappy, but then not too bad; worrying about school, but then having some things resolved; stressful things with family....), and I have a good amount of things that I could be worried about. It wouldn't be unexpected if I had a panic attack as a result. I was definately worrying about these things earlier today. But, once again, I found that Heavenly Father and our Savior- if I let them- can instill in me a sense of peace- a knowledge that everything will turn out alright, even if there appears to be no possible solution. With this peace, I am reassured. I am given the extra boost in faith and strength that I need to endure. The resolution, or Happy Ending, may not happen for quite awhile, but it will happen. That's what matters. And even though there are many reasons for me to "freak out", and even though it would be very reasonable for me to worry, in this moment I am able to be calm and assured.
I understand that this feeling will leave me. But I can find comfort in knowing that what that feeling testifies of will not change. If I get distracted from that feeling and start to freak out, it doesn't change the Truth. Everything will be alright. Christ will take care of me. All I need to do is live my life so that I am allowing Him to.
While talking about this to Excellent Friend, I realized something else about it. I need to actively seek after that feeling of peace more. Instead of waiting to be in a spiritual setting that gives me that peace, I need to adapt my life so that I am bringing that peace to it. I know that I can do this, and I know I'm on the right track to doing it. That's so nice to know. I also know that I will be happier and able to accomplish more and become better by bringing that peace into my life.
E. Friend had a tough evening, and I surprised myself when I sat down next to him by not questioning him about what was on his mind. Normally my curiosity gets the best of me and I try to get people to talk to me. I want to know what's wrong, and how I can help. Tonight I was thoroughly curious and concerned. But somehow, I managed to heed the prompting that I didn't need to ask him all about it. I have recently begun to be more patient. Slowly this new wisdom has been planting itself in my brain. People will tell me things when they're ready to. I just need to let them know I'm there to love them, and that I'm willing to listen IF and when they are ready to talk. If they don't talk to me about it (and I have made sure they understand that I am there for them whenever they need me) then obviously it doesn't need to be talked about to me. So for the most part, I have recently been more able to curb my curiosity. It's fascinating.
So, as I sat with my Friend, I decided that while I let him think, I would do some thinking myself. I prayed. I pondered. And I asked for help and guidance.
Randomly popping into my mind were lines from a hymn. Thankfully (since I could only remember the first two lines), a hymn book was right next to me and I was able to look up the song. God Speed the Right. Part of the second verse caught my attention.
Ne’er despairing, though defeated,I'm going to be thinking about those lines for the next couple of days. I believe that it's possible to be defeated and yet not despair. To fail, but fail in glory. It is a very intriguing idea to me, because that perspective is not one that comes naturally to me. Man, and especially, I think, the American Culture, has this idea that winning is glory, and to loose, fail, or be defeated-- is awful. We must, at all costs, avoid failure. The idea that failure might not be that bad- that idea is so completely foreign. It is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around it. It just is not how I have been conditioned to think.
God speed the right.
Like the great and good in story,
If we fail, we fail with glory.
Ideas about this are beginning to come to my mind, but they need some serious thinking and time to develop enough for me to come to any conclusion. I want insight from other people.
So, dear readers (yes, that means you, Magnificent Friend; and...- do I have any other readers?), I'd like some feedback. How does it work? --How can we be defeated, and yet not despair? How can fail, yet fail with glory?
It's an intriguing notion. I think that understanding this concept might just be part of "[putting] off the natural man", and coming to see and understand life and everything else as God does.
Those are my thoughts for this evening. Good night, and I'll try to start posting regularly again.
