believe it or not, life is really good!

My cousin, Derek, wrote this post a couple days ago.  It got me thinking about similar experiences I've had, particularly recently.
Since last posting on this blog... wow, apparently that really was 6 months ago!  Anyways, since then, I've gone back to school.  My goal is to do some Pre-Med major and in about 4 years apply to med school.  Dream big, right?  Fall quarter went well, and I eased my way into it by taking 1 class- chemistry.  I'm still working part time and after all these years of migraines and other health problems, have finally learned to be kind to myself and not rush things.  I made friends in my class, and we all progressed to the next chemistry class for this current winter quarter.  I also felt like I should take ASL this quarter.  I loved taking ASL in high school, and even remembered a fair amount of it even though it's been... 8 years (wow!).
Anyways, this quarter has proved to be the hardest yet.  I don't know why the Lord has asked so much of me this quarter.  On top of taking 11 credits at school, I'm working an average of 20 hours a week.  That average looks more like... 10 hours 1 week and 40 the next.  Oh, and I still about 30-45 minutes away from my school... that also is tiring.  Oh, and I have an 830 am class.... every day.  And most of my shifts at work run till 10pm or later.  That has meant being sleep deprived at various points.  I'm not a morning person, so 1 week into the quarter I remember praying on the way in to school.  My prayer went something like, "I am not a morning person, how in the world can I do this every day for the rest of this quarter?"  Well, I haven't done it every day, I skipped class a couple times in the interest of my health, and teacher cancelled class a couple times in the interest of his.  Other than these times, I have actually done it.  And I think I'll come out of the quarter with good grades in both classes.
But that's not all I've been dealing with this quarter.  On top of those things (and the migraines that tend to come when I overwork and undersleep), my anxiety has spiked these last few months, and I've had a close friend who has been really sick.  Those two things have taken the most from me emotionally and spiritually.  So I've had stress from every angle, mentally with school, emotionally with anxiety, spiritually/emotionally with my friend, and physically with trying to keep up with it all!  About a month ago I got burnt out, so every day for a week or two I'd come home from work or school and sleep.  But I talked to my teachers and they have been kind.  I went back on preventative medication for my anxiety, and feel more like my normal self.  While not doing perfectly, I've made probably more of a concentrated/conscious effort to get enough sleep than I ever have in the past.  I know who my friends are, and the people I can trust, and I've talked to them.  I have a good team of classmates (particularly in chemistry), who have been kind and helpful when I struggled.
And here's the crux of it: I've had my Savior helping me.  I don't know why this was the quarter I felt like I really should take that extra ASL class.  I don't know why that class had to be at 0830 when I'm still living a 45 minute drive away.  I don't know why work was busier than normal every day I worked for a couple months straight.  I don't know why this was the same time I had to figure out how to juggle all of this, while it was also the same time my dear friend got really sick (maybe my busy schedule kept me from being an overhelpful pain lol).  I don't know why all of these things got thrown into my life at the same time, but now that the quarter is almost done, my reflections lead me to think that I'm better off for all of it.

To learn more about Jesus Christ, visit here

I can honestly say that on my own, I was physically incapable of dealing with all of this.  But I haven't been on my own.  I've been blessed with dear friends who take time for me, kind classmates who make succeeding in class seem like a team effort, family members who are patient when I'm home so little, and above all, I've been blessed with a Savior.  He really has saved me this quarter, I think.  He has made success in this terribly difficult time possible.  Not only that, but partnering with Him has brought me joy.  For the most part, I've been pretty happy for the past couple of months.  Stressed and worried?  Yes.  Sick and tired at times?  Yes.  Sleep-deprived?  Definitely.  Behind in my classes?  Sometimes.  Worried about my friend?  At times, of course.  More anxious than I've been in a couple years?  Yeah.
But despite all of this, I've had this over-arching peace.  I've had bad days, but I haven't felt like my life itself was bad.  I'm in awe that Christ really has helped me get through the impossible.  And to top it all off, I feel like a better, happier person as a result of this experience.

Oh, and I really am blessed.  I don't think I could list all of my blessings here, but here's a big one: I get to move into an apartment with one of my best friends really soon!!

And now I should close.  I've got homework due tonight, and essay due tomorrow, and two tests two days from now!  And some other stuff to do, too haha.

Mormon's advice to Moroni

Moroni 9:25: My son, be faithful in Christ; and may not the things which I have written [pretty much he wrote about the end of their civilization] grieve thee, to weigh thee down unto death; but may Christ lift thee up, and may his sufferings and death, and the showing his body unto our fathers, and his mercy and long-suffering, and the hope of his glory and of eternal life, rest in your mind forever."

I saw in this scripture, instructions on how to deal with the depressing things in life, without actually letting them depress you.
-be faithful in Christ, that he may lift you up
-remember his sufferings and death
-remember his appearance to the Nephites (see 3 Nephi)
-remember his mercy and long-suffering
-remember the hope of his glory and eternal life


Today is September 11th.  I really liked this article which President Monson wrote for the Washington Post.  Read the whole thing, but here are two things I really liked that he said:

We should strive for steadiness, and for a commitment to God that does not ebb and flow with the  years or the crises of our lives.

It is constancy that God would have from us.  Tragedies are not merely opportunities to give Him a fleeting thought, or for momentary insight to His plan for our happiness. Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives in the way He teaches us, and to become something different than we were."

I really like that.  "Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives...."  When we partner with the Savior, even our mistakes can be turned to our advantage.  Try to maintain a consistent attitude of optimism and hope- I try to do this, but of course it is hard to do.  However, I know that through the Atonement, Christ truly can turn mistakes and destruction and horrible things into opportunities for us.  Opportunities for growth, love, happiness, and goodness.  Opportunities to become better people, or discover the true extent of our goodness and the goodness of those around us.

fear not

"One of the biggest challenges about bringing down old barriers is that sometimes old weaknesses return that you thought were long gone. But now instead of burying them, you have to learn to either live with them or control them, so that they don't control you and who you are or want to be!"  -Brian Hanks

Thank you for sharing that thought, sir.  It's quite apropo for me right now.  I don't really have much to add to it, 'cuz he pretty much summed it up.  But I wanted to do something so I'd remember it, so here I am, posting on the blog.

I was reading in Luke yesterday.  In Luke 8 there are a few notable stories.  For the past few years I've been inspired by the story of the woman with an issue of blood.  She'd spent all the money she had on doctors, and not a one had been able to heal her.  She believed that if she just touched the hem of Christ's garment she would be healed.  So she did, and she was.  Despite the throng of people pressing around Him, Christ felt it because, as He says, He felt virtue go out of him.  He asked and asked who it was who had touched him, and she finally came forward.  He said, "Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace."  I love that story, because it inspires me to get nearer to Christ so I may be healed.

In the following versus is a related message about healing.  Right before He healed the woman with an issue of blood, a man named Jairus had come to him, asking him to please come to his house and heal his 12 year old daughter, who was dying.  Jesus was delayed by the crowd which surrounded him, and someone from Jairus' house came saying the girl had died.  Christ said, "fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole."  There's a little more to this story, which I'll let you read for yourself, but the end results (spoiler alert!!) is that the little girl is healed and lives.  What I love is the simple instructions Christ gives us.

Fear not:  believe only, and [you] shall be  made whole

How simple, yet wonderful, is that command.  It gives me hope.  I know I will be healed from my migraines someday, it just takes time.  And frankly, to be honest, I am already being healed of them.  It's just a process.  For some reason, it's best for me to not be healed all at once, but by degrees.

One of my doctors at work the other day was asking about my migraines, how bad they used to be, what I tried, how they are now, etc etc.  I told him of how I barely passed high school, and for the year afterwards couldn't work or go to school for the severity of them.  I finally figured out a few triggers, which made it better, but not enough that I felt comfortable going back to school or working.  But then there came a time when I just felt it was right to go back to school (this was almost 4 years ago), despite the fact that my migraines were still pretty bad.  I didn't go into any detail, but I told him clearly that I can't think of anything I tried that made them better and made it so I was able to be successful in my classes when I went back.  I simply prayed and had faith, and they got better- not all the way better, but enough so that I could go for two semesters with at not quite but almost full time.  It was nice to share that simple and brief testimony as I answered his questions.

The past 2-3 weeks my migraines have been worse, I think because the Botox has worn off.  That's okay.  It just gives me more hope for when I get my next round of Botox (I'm hoping for late March).  I'm still eating more sugar than I should, but it's a lot less than I was previously- so that's good.  I did yoga 3 times last week- go me! I felt like I was going to die because it's hot yoga and I wasn't used to it, etc etc.  But it's getting better.  I've only done it once so far this week, but I'll get in one or two more sessions before the week is out.

Since realizing a couple weeks ago the miracle that I've held a full-time job for over 9 months now, I've felt repeatedly grateful for that.  The last time I did something full time for over 9 months was... about 6 years ago.  Maybe 7, actually.  (It's a marvel to me that it's been so long since I first got sick.)  Looking at things from that perspective, it's easier to not feel so bad about not having a degree yet.  Doing something full-time for 9 months for the first time in 6 or 7 years-- that is a HUGE step!!  HUGE!  As in, humungous, monumental, magnificent, fantastic.... I'll run out of adjectives long before I run out of excitement.  I am learning to choose to appreciate this for what it is-- a huge step, a big deal; and a sign that Christ not only loves me, but is active in my life- guiding me and healing me.

So, fear not.  Believe.  You will be made whole.  It just might take awhile, and that's okay.

"stop it!"

President Uchtdorf said something awesome in General Conference last April.  Here's an excerpt from that epic speech (which you can read in its entirety here)

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon.  When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it! 

It's that simple.  We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. 

I think this talk resonated with all who listened for two reasons, 1) we all judge others and need to stop, and 2) President Uchtdorf presented it so matter-of-factly, and lovingly.

I came across the below recently on a blog I enjoy following.  I thought it rather fitting.

(photo from jessica hagy's awesome blog, here)

every girl's dream man

 One day when I was in high school I sat next to the amazing Kaitlyn Shea in church.  As she flipped through her scriptures, I noticed a page with a heart on the upper right hand margin.  That intrigued me and and so I asked her about it.  She told me it was a passage describing the character of Captain Moroni- the kind of man she wants to marry some day.  This intrigued me and so I read the following underlined passages from chapter 48 of the book of Alma:

...and thus he was preparing to support their liberty, their lands, their wives, and their children, and their peace, and that they might live unto the Lord their God, and that they might maintain that which was called by the their enemies the cause of Christians.
And Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery; Yea, a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God, for the many privileges and blessings which he bestowed upon his people; a man who did labor exceedingly for hte welfare and safety of his people.  Yea and he was a man who was firm in the faith of Christ, and he had sworn with an oath to defend his people, his rights, and his country, and his religion, even to the loss of his blood.
Now the Nephites were taught to defend themselves against their enemies, even to the shedding of blood if it were necessary yea, and they were also taught never to give an offense, yea, and never to raise the sword except it were against an enemy, except it were to preserve their lives.
And this was their faith, that by so doing God would prosper them in the land, or in other words, if they were faithful in keeping the commandments of God that he would prosper them in the land; yea, warn them to flee or to prepare for war, according to their danger;  And also, that God would make it known unto them whither they should go to defend themselves against their enemies, and by so doing, the Lord would deliver them; and this was the faith of Moroni, and his heart did glory in it; not in the shedding of blood but in doing good, in preserving his people, yea, in keeping the commandments of God, yea, and resisting iniquity.
Yea, verily, verily, I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men.

 Yeah, not cool at all.  Nor impressive.  Nor awesome.  Definitely doesn't sound like the kind of guy that would make a girl go weak in the knees.  Nuh uh.  Let's go over the listed character traits, shall we?

• an effective and inspiring leader and organizer
• patriot- believed in defending liberty, land, family, peace, and the right to worship as one pleases; his "soul did joy in liberty and freedom of his people"; "had sworn with an oath to defend his people, [rights, country, and religion]
• a strong and mighty man
• wise, educated- "a man of perfect understanding"
• peaceful- "did not delight in bloodshed", believed in never raising the sword except in defense
• grateful- "heart 
• hardworking- "labor exceedingly for the welfare of his people"
• faithful, valiant- "firm in the faith of Christ"
• trusted that his obedience would result in God blessing & delivering him
• believed in obedience, doing good, defending his people
• resisted iniquity

Sounds good to me!
Now in verse 18 there is something interesting:

Behold, he was a man like unto Ammon, the son of Mosiah, yea, and even the other sons of Mosiah, yea, and also Alma and his sons, for they were all men of God.

Who were the sons of Mosiah- these men that the magnificent Captain Moroni is compared to?

Well, when we are first introduced to them they were the "very vilest of sinners" (Mosiah 28:4).  Now that's quite a thing to be called- they weren't just plane vile, very vile, or sinners.  Nor are they referred to simply as "the vilest of sinners", but rather the "very vilest of sinners".  That's not just a superlative... it's like a super superlative! Interestingly, the definition of superlative is "of the highest quality or degree". So effectively we could say that the sons of Mosiah were sinners of the highest degree.  Yikes!

Now the sons of Mosiah were numbered among the unbelievers; and also one of the sons of Alma was numbered among them, he being called Alma, after his father; nevertheless, he became a very wicked and an idolatrous man.  And he was a man of many words, and he did speak much flattery to the people; therefore he led many of the people to do after the manner of iniquities.  And he became a great hinderment of the prosperity of the church of God; stealing away the hearts of the people; causing much dissension among the people; giving a chance for the enemy of God to exercise his power over them.  [And he] was going about to destroy the church of God, for he did go about secretly with the sons of Mosiah seeking to destroy the church, and to lead astray the people of the Lord, contrary to the commands of God, or even the king... *

So the sons of Mosiah hung out with Alma and they were pretty much breaking the law and trying to destroy the church.  That's all, y'know- not that big of a deal...  But you see, Alma's dad was the Prophet and he prayed that Heavenly Father would help Alma and his friends turn their lives around.  What happens next is a pretty awesome story that I really couldn't do justice to try and sum up.

...as they were going about rebelling against God, behold, the angel of Lord appeared unto them... [and said]: Behold, the Lord hath heard the prayers of his speople, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; therefore, for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God.... And now behold, can ye dispute the power of God?... Now I say unto thee: Go, and remember the captivity of thy fathers... and remember how great things he has done for them; for they were in bondage and he has delivered them.  And now I say unto thee... go thy way, and seek to destroy the church no more...  And now Alma and those that were with him fell again to the earth, for great was their astonishment; for with their own eyes they had beheld an angel of the Lord; and his voice was as thunder, which shook the earth; and they knew that there was nothing save the power of God that could shake the earth and cause it to tremble as though it would part asunder.

Okay, so they were visited and called to repentance by an angel.  Did it work?

And now the astonishment of Alma was so great that he became dumb, that he could not open his mouth; yea, and he became weak, even that he could not move his hands; therefore was taken by those that were with him, and carried helpless, even until he was laid before his father.... and it came to pass after they had fasted and prayed for the space of two days and two nights, the limbs of Alma received their strength, and he stood up and began to speak unto them, bidding them to be of good comfort:
For, said he, I have repented of my sins, and have been redeemed of the Lord; behold I am born of the Spirit.  And the Lord said unto me: Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters; and thus they become new creatures; and unless this be the case, they must be cast off; and this I know because I was like to be cast off.  Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulation, repenting night unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God.  My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity.  I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God.  My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more.  I rejected my Redeemer, and denied that which had been spoken of by our fathers; but now that they may foresee that he will come, and that he remembered every creature of his creating, he will make himself manifest unto all....                     

So Alma went through a big fat repentance process.  What became of him and the sons of Mosiah?

And now it came to pass that Alma began from this time forward to teach the people, and those who were with Alma at the time the angel appeared unto them, traveling round about through all the land, publishing to all the people the things which they had heard and seen, and preaching the word of God in much tribulation, being greatly persecuted by those who were unbelievers, being smitten by many of them.  But nothwithstanding all this, they did impart much consolation to the church, confirming their faith, and exhorting them with long-suffering and much travail to keep the commandments of God.
And four of them were the sons of Mosiah; and their names were Ammon, and Aaron, and Omner, and Himni.... And they traveled throughout all the land of Zarahemla, and among all the people who were under the reign of king Mosiah, zealously striving to repair all the injuries which they had done to the church, confessing all their sins, and publishing all the things which they had seen, and explaining the prophecies and the scriptures to all who desired to hear them.  And thus they were instruments in the hands of God in bringing many to the knowledge of the truth, yea, to the knowledge of their Redeemer.
And how blessed are they!  For they did publish peace; they did publish good tidings of good; and they did declare unto the people that the Lord reigneth.                          

copyright 2011 CSager Photography

They became men of the highest calibre.  These men went from being the "very vilest of sinners" and "like to be cast off" to setting the standard of righteousness against which men in future generations would be judged.    This strikes me.  Christ snatched them from everlasting burning and redeemed them!  What does it mean to be redeemed?  It means to be bought back.  They had, with their sins, sold themselves to Satan and Christ brought them back from the darkest abyss to behold the marvelous light of God.  Alma says that his soul was "racked with eternal torment" but after he accepted Christ and the power of the Atonement into his life, Alma's "soul [was] pained no more".

This is one of the greatest stories of hope I can think of.  No matter what we have done, we can always repent. It is never too late.

The discouraging idea that a mistake (or even a series of them) makes it everlastingly too late, does not come from the Lord. He has said that if we will repent, not only will He forgive us our transgressions, but He will forget them and remember our sins no more. … Repentance is like soap; it can wash sin away. Ground-in dirt may take the strong detergent of discipline to get the stains out, but out they will come.  -Boyd K. Packer

Do not only hope to be forgiven of your sins- to have them washed away.  Hope to among the noble and great ones of this generation.  Hope to be like Alma and the sons of Mosiah, men so great they set a precedent of virtue and goodness which influenced and guided men to greatness for generations to come.

Additional Reading
"God Will Forgive" an excerpt from The Miracle of Forgiveness by the excellent Spencer W. Kimball
"Alma, Son of Alma" {the lessons we learn from his life give us hope...} by Jeffrey R. Holland
*The story of Alma, Ammon, Aaron, Omner, and Himni comes from the twenty-seventh chapter of the book of Mosiah
"Amazed at the Love Jesus Offers Me"  also by Elder Holland

words of the prophets & to the anonymous young man

Words of the Prophets

(or other church leaders)

Some Church members feel weighed down with discouragement about the circumstances of their personal lives, even when they are making sustained and admirable efforts. Frequently, these feelings of self-disappointment come not from wrongdoing, but from stresses and troubles for which we may not be fully to blame. The Atonement of Jesus Christ applies to these experiences because it applies to all of life. The Savi

or can wipe away all of our tears, after all we can do....

Mercy and repentance are rehabilitative, not retributive. The Savior asks us to repent not just to repay him for paying our debt to justice, but also to induce us to undergo the personal development that will purify our very nature. The “natural man” will remain an enemy to God forever—even after paying for his own sins—unless he also “becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord.” (Mosiah 3:19.)...

Life is a school, a place for us to learn and grow. We, like Adam and Eve, experience “growing pains” through the sorrow and contamination of a lone and dreary world. These experiences may include sin, but they also include mistakes, disappointments, and the undeserved pain of adversity. The blessed news of the gospel is that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can purify all the uncleanness and sweeten all the bitterness we taste....

...the Savior’s grace can bless us, beyond its compensation for our sins, in our quest for divine perfection. While much of the perfection process involves a healing from sin and bitterness, the process involves an additional, affirmative dimension through which we may acquire a Christlike nature, becoming even as the Father and Son are.

...while no other success of ours can compensate for our failures within or outside our homes, there is a success that can compensate when we cannot, after we conscientiously do all we can. That success is the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which can mend what for us is beyond repair. Perhaps, I thought, that holy influence could even do for this man’s son what it did for the younger Alma.

Bruce C. Hafen "Beauty for Ashes"

So I occasionally follow this blog. I don't remember how I got started on it. Seems like it has something to do with EFY or Hannah (Bush) Ryan. I don't always agree with Bro Jo's stance on things (mostly it seems like he makes general rules out of things that should be guidelines and with consideration prayerfully adopted or adapted to a person's individual situation. but that's a whole other discussion), but in this most recent post, I agreed with him 100% and my heart went out to the anonymous young man who sent the email. I ended up leaving a comment and figured I'd post it here.

missions are good but at this point, you absolutely need to be focused on repenting. many a young man has gone through addiction and served an honorable mission (i know some). many have also have not, but still turned out to be admirable men who married in the temple and are wonderful fathers and priesthood holders (i know some of those as well). if you don't go on a mission right away at 19 or even at all, it will be hard because at your age everyone asks about it. your bishop, close friends, and loving family can help you figure out how to navigate in an honest and dignified way.

my heart goes out to you. it is soo good that you chose to take this step and email bro jo. let your bishop become one of your best friends. i've had bishops i felt it difficult to connect with, but when i prayed about it the Lord eventually blessed me with the experiences i needed to know, trust, and truly love my bishop.

be completely honest with yourself- about your mistakes, the consequences, your future, and also your talents, skills, and gifts. pornography is definitely destructive to the soul, but satan would have you believe that it has taken over and eliminated everything else. this is simply not true. remember that you DO have righteous desires and cherish those. keep them in that special, sacred place in your heart and never, ever, stop hoping and having faith that through the Atonement and mercy of Christ, those desires will surely be fulfilled. focus on the repentance process, particularly using the church's addiction recovery program and other similar resources. this 12-step program will teach you how to utilize the Atonement in your every day life to overcome addiction, codependency, depression, self-hate, self-destructive thinking, and other unproductive habits.

the Lord loves you. i've no idea who you are, but i love you. my heart goes out to you and i sense that, like many who struggle with this same problem, you are truly a valiant soul who feels deeply, is intelligent and talented.

God bless.

Resources

• LDS Addiction Recovery Program (includes 12-step group locations and times and the 12-step book)
• Heart t' Heart a 12-step LDS group run by a couple experienced with the devestation pornography can bring and the joy the Atonement can restore. this group has many great resources.
• Clean Hands, Pure Heart book, written by Bro. Harrison of Heart t' Heart. he shares his own experience in achieving recovery from pornography addiction and has written this book as a guide through the 12 steps. (he and Sis Harrison have written other books as well-- I highly recommend them to anyone who struggles with addiction- whether it be their own or that of a loved one.)

learning and growing experiences

A few things are bouncing about in my brain tonight. Firstly, is an idea I had while listening to FBI Agent O'Riley talk to us in FHE ("Family Home Evening"-- I've started attending the local singles' ward's FHE) about self defense. Secondly, are some lines from the hymn God Speed the Right. And lastly, some thoughts about peace.

So, first off-- Brother (I'm 95% confident he's Mormon) Agent O'Riley was talking about how adrenaline affects us in situations where we need to defend ourselves. He drilled into our heads the fact that there are inevitable physiological reactions to psychological experiences. Physiology and psychology go hand in. When someone comes after us with a knife, we naturally get kind of freaked out- that is a psychological reaction. Along with it, comes the adrenaline rush (physiological). Tunnel vision. Exaggerated gross motor skills, but poor fine motor skills (don't even try to play the flute when being attacked). And so on. He talked about using those physiological reactions to our advantage and not letting them take advantage of us. (Punching, kicking, and shoving an attacker however you can will be much easier than trying to contort their fingers or strategically land a ninja-style kick.)
Related this same statement he made, was the statement which I wrote down (in the little notebook that travels with me everywhere for just this purpose): We cannot control our physiological reaction, but we can (at least to an extent) control our psychological reactions. I found that piece of advice particularly applicable to me.
I cannot change that fact that when I get really anxious, I also get really nauseous. I can't change the fact that stress- whether it be actually "stressing out" or merely mental or physical exertion- results in a pronounced physiological response for me. I get migraines; I throw up; I become (easily) exhausted; I get sore all over; I can't think clearly; I end up doing nothing but staying at home.
These things I cannot change. That is just how my body and mind are wired togethor. Maybe, over time, that will change, but for now, that's my reality.
What I can do, however, is control (to a significant extent) the psychological triggers for these unpleasant physiological experiences. I can train myself to be more calm. I can manage time better. I can learn and then abide to my limits. I can change those limits by slowly adhering to and then pushing them ever so slightly, yet steadily. I can change the way I think, and thusly, I can change the way I physically feel.
I'm not saying that I can cure myself of my nausea, migraines, IBS.... by changing the way I think-- by changing my instincts-- but I can definately put myself in a much better position. Emotional and Spiritual health are much more important than physical health. Of course the three are related- tightly interwoven- but notice how if one were to take physical health out of the picture it is still possible to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. But a removal spiritual health results in a disintigration of emotional health (and vice versa) and often results in a decline in physical health as well.
Strengthening ourselves emotionally and spiritually gives us the power to deal with physical struggles.
Having the Spirit in our lives can do so much for us in so many different ways. Being spiritually healthy on occasion will cure ailments, but more importantly- it always provides strength to endure. I think, also, that it can help catalyze medical treatment. Let me explain.
Recently (in the past month or so) I have begun to feel better. It's amazing. I keep waiting for this upswing in my health to stop, but so far it hasn't. I still am sick much of the time. I still throw up. I still get migraines. But they affect me less. The migraines are less often and less severe. The nausea is still constant, but less noticeable (yes- thanks in large part to the lovely zofran). I have, overall, been able to do more (I'll post more about that sometime soon, I guess). I have been able to see people more often, stick to commitments, etc. etc. It's been amazing. I was trying to figure out last week or the week prior what might have triggered this change. Was it a change in medication? Diet? Exercise? Routine?.... Something had to trigger this change.
And then I figured it out.
I started feeling better (gradually yes, but still noticeably) right around the time I seriously committed myself to having the Spirit in my life more. In making my spiritual well-being a priority, I was blessed by an improvement in my physical (and emotional) health.
The "little things" (reading your scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping Christ in mind) really do make all the difference. They open the door for the Spirit, and allow us to be influenced and blessed by it. I am so grateful for this. I understand that my physical health will fluctuate, that's just the nature of what I have to endure, but my ability to cope- to deal-, with health problems will continue to improve; as will my happiness and peace.

Peace is very interesting. I have a tendency to freak out. I don't get panic attacks all that often any more, but my anxiety level is still higher than the "average" person's. I usually think of myself as having it under control, but lately, with all the things I've had to worry about, my anxiety levels have been a bit higher than my own average. I have even had a few panic attacks. Nonetheless, I have found that it is still possible to have peace. (I wrote about a particular experience here.) I realized after FHE (and commented on it to Excellent Friend) that I was feeling peaceful. Today has been up and down for me (feeling crappy, but then not too bad; worrying about school, but then having some things resolved; stressful things with family....), and I have a good amount of things that I could be worried about. It wouldn't be unexpected if I had a panic attack as a result. I was definately worrying about these things earlier today. But, once again, I found that Heavenly Father and our Savior- if I let them- can instill in me a sense of peace- a knowledge that everything will turn out alright, even if there appears to be no possible solution. With this peace, I am reassured. I am given the extra boost in faith and strength that I need to endure. The resolution, or Happy Ending, may not happen for quite awhile, but it will happen. That's what matters. And even though there are many reasons for me to "freak out", and even though it would be very reasonable for me to worry, in this moment I am able to be calm and assured.
I understand that this feeling will leave me. But I can find comfort in knowing that what that feeling testifies of will not change. If I get distracted from that feeling and start to freak out, it doesn't change the Truth. Everything will be alright. Christ will take care of me. All I need to do is live my life so that I am allowing Him to.
While talking about this to Excellent Friend, I realized something else about it. I need to actively seek after that feeling of peace more. Instead of waiting to be in a spiritual setting that gives me that peace, I need to adapt my life so that I am bringing that peace to it. I know that I can do this, and I know I'm on the right track to doing it. That's so nice to know. I also know that I will be happier and able to accomplish more and become better by bringing that peace into my life.

E. Friend had a tough evening, and I surprised myself when I sat down next to him by not questioning him about what was on his mind. Normally my curiosity gets the best of me and I try to get people to talk to me. I want to know what's wrong, and how I can help. Tonight I was thoroughly curious and concerned. But somehow, I managed to heed the prompting that I didn't need to ask him all about it. I have recently begun to be more patient. Slowly this new wisdom has been planting itself in my brain. People will tell me things when they're ready to. I just need to let them know I'm there to love them, and that I'm willing to listen IF and when they are ready to talk. If they don't talk to me about it (and I have made sure they understand that I am there for them whenever they need me) then obviously it doesn't need to be talked about to me. So for the most part, I have recently been more able to curb my curiosity. It's fascinating.

So, as I sat with my Friend, I decided that while I let him think, I would do some thinking myself. I prayed. I pondered. And I asked for help and guidance.
Randomly popping into my mind were lines from a hymn. Thankfully (since I could only remember the first two lines), a hymn book was right next to me and I was able to look up the song. God Speed the Right. Part of the second verse caught my attention.

Ne’er despairing, though defeated,
God speed the right.
Like the great and good in story,
If we fail, we fail with glory.

I'm going to be thinking about those lines for the next couple of days. I believe that it's possible to be defeated and yet not despair. To fail, but fail in glory. It is a very intriguing idea to me, because that perspective is not one that comes naturally to me. Man, and especially, I think, the American Culture, has this idea that winning is glory, and to loose, fail, or be defeated-- is awful. We must, at all costs, avoid failure. The idea that failure might not be that bad- that idea is so completely foreign. It is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around it. It just is not how I have been conditioned to think.
Ideas about this are beginning to come to my mind, but they need some serious thinking and time to develop enough for me to come to any conclusion. I want insight from other people.
So, dear readers (yes, that means you, Magnificent Friend; and...- do I have any other readers?), I'd like some feedback. How does it work? --How can we be defeated, and yet not despair? How can fail, yet fail with glory?
It's an intriguing notion. I think that understanding this concept might just be part of "[putting] off the natural man", and coming to see and understand life and everything else as God does.

Those are my thoughts for this evening. Good night, and I'll try to start posting regularly again.

a sobering truth, and hope

My step-dad's career is in Emergency Management. As a result, he gets some pretty interesting training. He's had medical training, gone to "bomb camp" (learned how devastating IED's can be and how to deal with them), and this week had some training concerning terrorism. He commented to me on how today they had shown him some pretty sobering videos. One was a terrorist attack targeting elementary aged students.
Another was a five year-old boy talking about how he couldn't wait to grow up. Pretty normal, right? Except that this little boy wasn't excited about being able to drive, not having chores, becoming president, having money, or getting to do whatever he wanted, like most five year-olds I know are. This little boy (from somewhere on the other side of the world) couldn't wait to grow up because then he could help kill Jews and Americans.
What can you say to that?
How do you fight that level of indoctrination?
Can it be fought?
For me, it brings to mind the flood.

And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually....The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for th earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. -Genesis 6:5,7,11-13

In the third chapter of 2 Timothy Paul talks about the last days- our days:

This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.... men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof...

Nephi talked about it:

But, behold, in the last days, or in the days of the Gentiles—yea, behold all the nations of the Gentiles and also the Jews, both those who shall come upon this land and those who shall be upon other lands, yea, even upon all the lands of the earth, behold, they will be drunken with iniquity and all manner of abominations—

Mormon talked about how the earth would be in our days as well:

And it shall come in a day when the blood of saints shall cry unto the Lord, because of secret combinations and the works of darkness. Yea, it shall come in a day when the power of God shall be denied, and churches become defiled and be lifted up in the pride of their hearts; yea, even in a day when leaders of churches and teachers shall rise in the pride of their hearts, even to the envying of them who belong to their churches. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be heard of fires, and tempests, and vapors of smoke in foreign lands; And there shall also be heard of wars, rumors of wars, and earthquakes in divers places. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth; there shall be murders, and robbing, and lying, and deceivings, and whoredoms, and all manner of abominations; when there shall be many who will say, Do this, or do that, and it mattereth not, for the Lord will uphold such at the last. But wo unto such, for they are in the gall of bitterness and in the bonds of iniquity. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be churches built up that shall say: Come unto me, and for your money you shall be forgiven of your sins.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said,

Just as foretold, our days are fast resembling the days of Noah, especially notable for their pattern of corruption and violence.

The difference between our day and Noah's? God will not send a flood this time. It will get worse and worse until the coming of the Savior. (Mathew 24:37)
I remember talking in seminary about why God sent the flood. Sure, everyone was pretty darn wicked and such, but was that really a cause for destroying almost every single human being on the earth? If God is a God of love, then why would He wipe everyone out? At the bottom of Genesis 8 in my Bible, I have written a(nother) quote from Neal A. Maxwell, concerning the flood:

God intervened when corruption reached an agency disrupting point.

Basically, the people of Noah's time had gotten so wicked that it was impossible for free agency to remain intact. Such is the case today, as exhibited by that little boy I mentioned. He is being indoctrinated at such a young age that there is little hope of him ever believing anything other than what he has now learned. His ability to discern right from wrong has been severed in a manner which seriously disrupts his ability to use his free agency.
How sad! How tragic to have one's life so ripped away- not by death, but by wickedness.
But God isn't going to intervene this time like He did before. He has restored His Gospel to the Earth. It is up to us to reach out and teach people- to give them a chance at living their lives happily, instead of being consumed by the wickedness that dominates today. Yet, it is still a sad fact that many people will live out their lives with untapped agency, and thus happiness.
How glad I am for the second Article of Faith, which states that "men will be punished for their own sins," For this I am thankful. Our little boy still has a chance at happiness in life after death.
There is still hope, no matter how wicked the world becomes.