believe it or not, life is really good!

My cousin, Derek, wrote this post a couple days ago.  It got me thinking about similar experiences I've had, particularly recently.
Since last posting on this blog... wow, apparently that really was 6 months ago!  Anyways, since then, I've gone back to school.  My goal is to do some Pre-Med major and in about 4 years apply to med school.  Dream big, right?  Fall quarter went well, and I eased my way into it by taking 1 class- chemistry.  I'm still working part time and after all these years of migraines and other health problems, have finally learned to be kind to myself and not rush things.  I made friends in my class, and we all progressed to the next chemistry class for this current winter quarter.  I also felt like I should take ASL this quarter.  I loved taking ASL in high school, and even remembered a fair amount of it even though it's been... 8 years (wow!).
Anyways, this quarter has proved to be the hardest yet.  I don't know why the Lord has asked so much of me this quarter.  On top of taking 11 credits at school, I'm working an average of 20 hours a week.  That average looks more like... 10 hours 1 week and 40 the next.  Oh, and I still about 30-45 minutes away from my school... that also is tiring.  Oh, and I have an 830 am class.... every day.  And most of my shifts at work run till 10pm or later.  That has meant being sleep deprived at various points.  I'm not a morning person, so 1 week into the quarter I remember praying on the way in to school.  My prayer went something like, "I am not a morning person, how in the world can I do this every day for the rest of this quarter?"  Well, I haven't done it every day, I skipped class a couple times in the interest of my health, and teacher cancelled class a couple times in the interest of his.  Other than these times, I have actually done it.  And I think I'll come out of the quarter with good grades in both classes.
But that's not all I've been dealing with this quarter.  On top of those things (and the migraines that tend to come when I overwork and undersleep), my anxiety has spiked these last few months, and I've had a close friend who has been really sick.  Those two things have taken the most from me emotionally and spiritually.  So I've had stress from every angle, mentally with school, emotionally with anxiety, spiritually/emotionally with my friend, and physically with trying to keep up with it all!  About a month ago I got burnt out, so every day for a week or two I'd come home from work or school and sleep.  But I talked to my teachers and they have been kind.  I went back on preventative medication for my anxiety, and feel more like my normal self.  While not doing perfectly, I've made probably more of a concentrated/conscious effort to get enough sleep than I ever have in the past.  I know who my friends are, and the people I can trust, and I've talked to them.  I have a good team of classmates (particularly in chemistry), who have been kind and helpful when I struggled.
And here's the crux of it: I've had my Savior helping me.  I don't know why this was the quarter I felt like I really should take that extra ASL class.  I don't know why that class had to be at 0830 when I'm still living a 45 minute drive away.  I don't know why work was busier than normal every day I worked for a couple months straight.  I don't know why this was the same time I had to figure out how to juggle all of this, while it was also the same time my dear friend got really sick (maybe my busy schedule kept me from being an overhelpful pain lol).  I don't know why all of these things got thrown into my life at the same time, but now that the quarter is almost done, my reflections lead me to think that I'm better off for all of it.

To learn more about Jesus Christ, visit here

I can honestly say that on my own, I was physically incapable of dealing with all of this.  But I haven't been on my own.  I've been blessed with dear friends who take time for me, kind classmates who make succeeding in class seem like a team effort, family members who are patient when I'm home so little, and above all, I've been blessed with a Savior.  He really has saved me this quarter, I think.  He has made success in this terribly difficult time possible.  Not only that, but partnering with Him has brought me joy.  For the most part, I've been pretty happy for the past couple of months.  Stressed and worried?  Yes.  Sick and tired at times?  Yes.  Sleep-deprived?  Definitely.  Behind in my classes?  Sometimes.  Worried about my friend?  At times, of course.  More anxious than I've been in a couple years?  Yeah.
But despite all of this, I've had this over-arching peace.  I've had bad days, but I haven't felt like my life itself was bad.  I'm in awe that Christ really has helped me get through the impossible.  And to top it all off, I feel like a better, happier person as a result of this experience.

Oh, and I really am blessed.  I don't think I could list all of my blessings here, but here's a big one: I get to move into an apartment with one of my best friends really soon!!

And now I should close.  I've got homework due tonight, and essay due tomorrow, and two tests two days from now!  And some other stuff to do, too haha.

Mormon's advice to Moroni

Moroni 9:25: My son, be faithful in Christ; and may not the things which I have written [pretty much he wrote about the end of their civilization] grieve thee, to weigh thee down unto death; but may Christ lift thee up, and may his sufferings and death, and the showing his body unto our fathers, and his mercy and long-suffering, and the hope of his glory and of eternal life, rest in your mind forever."

I saw in this scripture, instructions on how to deal with the depressing things in life, without actually letting them depress you.
-be faithful in Christ, that he may lift you up
-remember his sufferings and death
-remember his appearance to the Nephites (see 3 Nephi)
-remember his mercy and long-suffering
-remember the hope of his glory and eternal life


Today is September 11th.  I really liked this article which President Monson wrote for the Washington Post.  Read the whole thing, but here are two things I really liked that he said:

We should strive for steadiness, and for a commitment to God that does not ebb and flow with the  years or the crises of our lives.

It is constancy that God would have from us.  Tragedies are not merely opportunities to give Him a fleeting thought, or for momentary insight to His plan for our happiness. Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives in the way He teaches us, and to become something different than we were."

I really like that.  "Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives...."  When we partner with the Savior, even our mistakes can be turned to our advantage.  Try to maintain a consistent attitude of optimism and hope- I try to do this, but of course it is hard to do.  However, I know that through the Atonement, Christ truly can turn mistakes and destruction and horrible things into opportunities for us.  Opportunities for growth, love, happiness, and goodness.  Opportunities to become better people, or discover the true extent of our goodness and the goodness of those around us.

friendship and happiness

"bear one another's burdens, that they may be light"  -Mosiah 18:8
I was talking to a friend today about friendship.  When you choose to be happy- and learn how,  you find that a lot of negative people drop out of your life, and a lot of positive ones drop in.  It's not really a conscious decision, it's just that we attract people like ourselves.  when we're miserable, we tend to hang out with other miserable people.  when we're happy, healthy people, we find ourselves surrounded by other happy people.  you see, sometimes good, well-intending, caring people try to help other people bear their burdens, however they get caught up in it- and then those burdens never become light, they just get shared around and continue to make everyone miserable.  that's not how God wants it to be.
"...and men are that they might have joy." (2 Ne 2:25)  Help someone bear their burden, and then be happy.
The verses following "bear one another's burdens" include mourning with those that mourn, standing with those that are in need of comfort, and standing as a witness of God at all times, in all things, and all places.  And then we are told what the point is for doing all of this: "that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life".
My friend pointed out that the result of loving and helping others is interestingly self-centered in a way.  When I make a pattern of helping people selflessly, the result is an eternity of God-like happiness for me.
So don't get caught up in drama and suffering.  Help people when they're hurting, but don't forget the end goal.  The end goal is to be with God, to be like God, and to be happy.  And while being physically with and truly like God are things that will take quite some time, being happy doesn't have to.  Being happy can happen just as soon as you learn to live your life happily.  And when you remember this end goal, the people you help will be better off.  Your happiness will rub off on them, and truly help their burdens to become light.

faith and answers to prayer

There was a wonderful quote shared either in Sunday School or Relief Society today.  The following quote was shared,

When we seek inspiration to help makes decisions, the Lord gives gentle promptings.  These require us to think, to exercise faith, to work, to struggle at times, and to act.  Seldom does the whole answer to a decisively important matter or complex problem come all at once.  More often, it comes a piece at a time, without the end in sight.

I loved that quote so much, I google searched until I found the talk.  It's from a talk called, "Learning to Recognize Answers to Prayer" by Richard G Scott.  Go read it.  It's great.
I learned that when the answer to prayer is yes, it's encouragement to take confidence.  When the answer is no, it's keep us from making mistakes.  But the real kicker Elder Scott addresses, is that sometimes the answer to a prayer is withheld.  Or it comes in pieces.  When this happens, it is to encourage us to act.  As Elder Scott says:

When he withholds an answer, it is to have us grow through faith in Him, obedience to His commandments, and a willingness to act on truth.  We are expected to assume accountability by acting on decision that is consistent with His teachings without prior confirmation.  we are not to sit passively waiting or to murmur because the Lord has not spoken.  We are to act."

We are to act.  I love it.  I love the principle of action- of how Heavenly Father encourages us to go out and actually use our ability to choose.  Indeed, Paul said to Timothy, "God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  (2 Timothy 1:7)
Faith would not be so powerful if it were easy.  I choose to have faith.  I choose to have faith that Heavenly Father and Christ love me, they are guiding me, and that the things I have felt to be answers to prayer are truly Their wishes for me.  I will have doubts, but in those moments I will again choose faith.

fear not

"One of the biggest challenges about bringing down old barriers is that sometimes old weaknesses return that you thought were long gone. But now instead of burying them, you have to learn to either live with them or control them, so that they don't control you and who you are or want to be!"  -Brian Hanks

Thank you for sharing that thought, sir.  It's quite apropo for me right now.  I don't really have much to add to it, 'cuz he pretty much summed it up.  But I wanted to do something so I'd remember it, so here I am, posting on the blog.

I was reading in Luke yesterday.  In Luke 8 there are a few notable stories.  For the past few years I've been inspired by the story of the woman with an issue of blood.  She'd spent all the money she had on doctors, and not a one had been able to heal her.  She believed that if she just touched the hem of Christ's garment she would be healed.  So she did, and she was.  Despite the throng of people pressing around Him, Christ felt it because, as He says, He felt virtue go out of him.  He asked and asked who it was who had touched him, and she finally came forward.  He said, "Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace."  I love that story, because it inspires me to get nearer to Christ so I may be healed.

In the following versus is a related message about healing.  Right before He healed the woman with an issue of blood, a man named Jairus had come to him, asking him to please come to his house and heal his 12 year old daughter, who was dying.  Jesus was delayed by the crowd which surrounded him, and someone from Jairus' house came saying the girl had died.  Christ said, "fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole."  There's a little more to this story, which I'll let you read for yourself, but the end results (spoiler alert!!) is that the little girl is healed and lives.  What I love is the simple instructions Christ gives us.

Fear not:  believe only, and [you] shall be  made whole

How simple, yet wonderful, is that command.  It gives me hope.  I know I will be healed from my migraines someday, it just takes time.  And frankly, to be honest, I am already being healed of them.  It's just a process.  For some reason, it's best for me to not be healed all at once, but by degrees.

One of my doctors at work the other day was asking about my migraines, how bad they used to be, what I tried, how they are now, etc etc.  I told him of how I barely passed high school, and for the year afterwards couldn't work or go to school for the severity of them.  I finally figured out a few triggers, which made it better, but not enough that I felt comfortable going back to school or working.  But then there came a time when I just felt it was right to go back to school (this was almost 4 years ago), despite the fact that my migraines were still pretty bad.  I didn't go into any detail, but I told him clearly that I can't think of anything I tried that made them better and made it so I was able to be successful in my classes when I went back.  I simply prayed and had faith, and they got better- not all the way better, but enough so that I could go for two semesters with at not quite but almost full time.  It was nice to share that simple and brief testimony as I answered his questions.

The past 2-3 weeks my migraines have been worse, I think because the Botox has worn off.  That's okay.  It just gives me more hope for when I get my next round of Botox (I'm hoping for late March).  I'm still eating more sugar than I should, but it's a lot less than I was previously- so that's good.  I did yoga 3 times last week- go me! I felt like I was going to die because it's hot yoga and I wasn't used to it, etc etc.  But it's getting better.  I've only done it once so far this week, but I'll get in one or two more sessions before the week is out.

Since realizing a couple weeks ago the miracle that I've held a full-time job for over 9 months now, I've felt repeatedly grateful for that.  The last time I did something full time for over 9 months was... about 6 years ago.  Maybe 7, actually.  (It's a marvel to me that it's been so long since I first got sick.)  Looking at things from that perspective, it's easier to not feel so bad about not having a degree yet.  Doing something full-time for 9 months for the first time in 6 or 7 years-- that is a HUGE step!!  HUGE!  As in, humungous, monumental, magnificent, fantastic.... I'll run out of adjectives long before I run out of excitement.  I am learning to choose to appreciate this for what it is-- a huge step, a big deal; and a sign that Christ not only loves me, but is active in my life- guiding me and healing me.

So, fear not.  Believe.  You will be made whole.  It just might take awhile, and that's okay.

me, as of late

Well, as you can probably tell by the time of this post, I have had some trouble sleeping lately. Actually, you could just as easily think that I woke up early, and that would be true.... sort of. I woke up really early. I was doing pretty well at that during summer quarter, but then there was that 3 week period or so between the end of school and the beginning of my job with the school district. I'm pretty sure that wrecked my nice new habit. [note, i began this at about 5:30am... then finally fell back asleep for awhile, then went out and took some pictures. thus why it wasn't submitted at the early time i was talking about. just in case you actually checked the time down at the bottom here and wondered...]

anyways...

First we'll cover the latest on Guyana. (If you don't know what I'm talking about when I say Guyana, please go here.) My fundraising page is up! I'm almost halfway to the $2500 I need to raise! (The fundraising page only says 2,000 but I think that might be because they took my deductible out of the total or something.) I'm amazed at how quickly people have offered their support and how generous so many people have been (whether they have a lot of money or a little). We've still got a little ways to go, but I'm not worried. I truly believe this is what Heavenly Father wants me to be doing right now and I know the the opportunity has come straight from Him. Since this is the case, I am not very worried about it working out. I think of 1 Nephi 3:7~

"I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing he hath commanded them."

I also like the words from the Children's Primary song about Nephi:

"The Lord commanded Nephi to go and build a boat.

Nephi's older brothers said it would not float.

Laughing and mocking they said he should not try.

Nephi was courageous and this was his reply:

I will go, I will do

the things the Lord commands

I know the Lord provides a way

He wants me to obey."

So I finally took the leap and decided to try hot yoga. I LOVE it. Every time I do it I like it even more. The heat/yoga combination is particularly helpful for my angry, trigger-point-filled muscles in my neck, shoulders, and upper back (they are large contributers to my headahces & migraines). Hot yoga helps the muscles to loosen up and calm down enough so that I can work out the knots and also strengthen my muscles without freaking them out and making it worse. It feels sooo good!

Also on the healthfront, I have a deviated septum with a dust mite allergy resulting in chronic allergic rhinits.... an ongoing sinus infection. The amazing doctor of magic, Dr McBride, has done an awesome job of diagnosing and treating me. But because of my pretty marked deviated septum (my left nostril is half as big as my right), we can't cure the sinus infection completely without my getting a septoplasty... a surgical procedure where they fix my deviated septum... aka a "nose job". Because of the trigeminal nerve which hangs out around your sinuses, your forehead, and your jaw, there's a possibility that my headaches are caused by sinus/nasal problems. I am, in the words of a wise YSA Relief Society President, "cautiously optimistic". I am hoping to have the nose surgery before the end of this year, but that'll depend on my doctor and my insurance.

And... the sun is beautiful this morning! With beautiful fog! I just went out took some pictures. I am uploading them now :)

the happy little slugbug

A conversation with a friend of mine got me thinking....

He said-- "some people are very intelligent with the match tendency to doubt and criticize. Such a person is powerful, but with powerful engines, requires a lot of fuel to maintain a happy amount of energy. A smaller engine, may not see or know much, but is quite happy in ignorance of all things, and requires little fuel to sustain"and I said okay i guess, but I didn't like the idea that the little guy was happier just because he didn't know any better.
So, I'm thinking, what if there are levels? What there's the little slugbug level where he's happy just because he doesn't know any better. Then there's the SUV level or whatever where he's having a harder time being happy 'cuz he's learned some stuff. What if after that there's another level (um.... anologie [too late to splele that word!] difficulty-- airplane????), where the guy has learned even more, but because of that finds it easy to be happy.
I guess that's what I disliked about the little car being the happy one-- Knowledge should make us happy. Or rather, the more Truth we know, the happier we will be because, honestly, the Eternal Truths are pretty awesome, exciting things. They shouldn't get us down.If all we know is getting us down, perhaps we're not seeking after or focusing on the right knowledge...or something like that.

jumping into a rabbit hole and letting go of the wheel

"Question: how does a girl who falls- no, actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: she doesn't."

Okay, so, some things to get out of my mind...
Firstly, today's Sunday...
I've noticed a focus on integrity today in my lessons at church. It was good for me- refreshing; edifying; etc. One of those days when pretty much everything you hear seems to be directed directly at you (thank you God).
watched a movie that maybe i shouldn't have watched-- esp. on sunday
and yet it's making me think
because it's one of those that would be a pretty good ice cream... if it weren't for all the bugs in it.
i went on a walk with three of my bestest friends-- so fun.
almost... well, we won't go there, but someone did honk at me.... yikes.
I had a dream in which a Fish was telling me about 1 Peter chapter 1. So I read it. There's some good stuff there. Among other things, I learned that obedience (to our Heavenly Father) increases our ability to love. Awesome. I love the scriptures. And dreams. And dreamy guest stars...
So, there are things I'm wondering and would like to get straightened out in my mind... but I'm remembering the Guidance-- take it easy about those things for another month; focus on what really needs to be focused on right now, and then figure out those other things. Prepare yourself in the meantime.
And so, the questions, I will think about a bit, make my peace with for now, and work out the answers when the time is right.
Sounds like a plan, Stan. (Who is this "Stan" anyway?)
Okay, time to do bedtime (and pre-bedtime) stuff.... like dishes.
Tomorrow's a doctor's appointment. I want to swear off triptans.... we'll see what the doctor says.
It's time to say my prayers and go to sleep.
TTFN. :)

"You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."

"I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't."

(the qoutes are from that little black book movie; pictures are from google searches- gotta love google)

it's a wonderful life!

So, pretty much, I'm in a place where I'm happy with my life at the moment. Not to say that it's not difficult, because it is. There are a lot of things going on that I could very well stress out about-- which I have stressed out about, and even panicked about a time or two.
But overall, I am happy with my life because I know that I'm living it as my Father in Heaven would have me. There are soo many things up in the air (school, friends, health, etc) that I honestly have almost no idea how they'll turn out. I do, however, have the knowledge that I have the Spirit in my life. I have little promptings here and there which remind me that I am living how I should be living. Not perfectly-- definately not perfectly. But I'm dealing with my imperfections and I'm going through the life process of growing and maturing. I can see lessons I'm learning, and I understand that there are many ways I'm growing which I don't even recognize (and of course, many ways I have yet to grow). I might freak out from time to time; there might some trials that are especially difficult; but honestly, this process is nothing new. It's part of that wondrous Plan and I feel comforted in knowing that I am growing as my Father would have me do. Knowing this helps me to have the faith that everything will work out just fine in the end (and the eternal end, too!).

On a sidenote: conference was wonderful. I loved the talks and saw a couple themes there just for me. I took great notes, but not as anal retentively as normal, which left me thinking room for hearing what the Spirit had to tell me (and thus take note of that and not just what the speaker was talking of).
I also got to hold hands with a boy. (gasp!) That also helped to contribute to more conservative note-taking. But don't worry- I didn't let it get in the way of the really important things I had to take note of! (Sorry, I can't hold your hand right now because I need to write something down.... again.... like I did just a moment ago.... and will probably do again in another minute....)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some conference notes to read over and ponder on. (I didn't get the themes I noticed written down for the Sunday sessions like I did for the Saturday ones.) Then some scripture reading. I am making a go at Isaiah. Wish me luck. (I'm currently in the chapters that overlap with 2 Nephi and am thusly reading from there. So far it's not as bad--- tricky-- as I expected. :D) I also have some praying to do, because prayer is awesome.
Oh, that's another thing. You know what's absolutely awesome? When you don't have an answer for someone, being able to say, "I really really don't know! But guess what?! God does! Go ask Him!" I love that! It totally made my day yesterday, and I think it worked out for my Friend, too!

Okay, gute Nacht! Und haben Sie su"sse Trau"me! Schlafen Sie gut!

learning and growing experiences

A few things are bouncing about in my brain tonight. Firstly, is an idea I had while listening to FBI Agent O'Riley talk to us in FHE ("Family Home Evening"-- I've started attending the local singles' ward's FHE) about self defense. Secondly, are some lines from the hymn God Speed the Right. And lastly, some thoughts about peace.

So, first off-- Brother (I'm 95% confident he's Mormon) Agent O'Riley was talking about how adrenaline affects us in situations where we need to defend ourselves. He drilled into our heads the fact that there are inevitable physiological reactions to psychological experiences. Physiology and psychology go hand in. When someone comes after us with a knife, we naturally get kind of freaked out- that is a psychological reaction. Along with it, comes the adrenaline rush (physiological). Tunnel vision. Exaggerated gross motor skills, but poor fine motor skills (don't even try to play the flute when being attacked). And so on. He talked about using those physiological reactions to our advantage and not letting them take advantage of us. (Punching, kicking, and shoving an attacker however you can will be much easier than trying to contort their fingers or strategically land a ninja-style kick.)
Related this same statement he made, was the statement which I wrote down (in the little notebook that travels with me everywhere for just this purpose): We cannot control our physiological reaction, but we can (at least to an extent) control our psychological reactions. I found that piece of advice particularly applicable to me.
I cannot change that fact that when I get really anxious, I also get really nauseous. I can't change the fact that stress- whether it be actually "stressing out" or merely mental or physical exertion- results in a pronounced physiological response for me. I get migraines; I throw up; I become (easily) exhausted; I get sore all over; I can't think clearly; I end up doing nothing but staying at home.
These things I cannot change. That is just how my body and mind are wired togethor. Maybe, over time, that will change, but for now, that's my reality.
What I can do, however, is control (to a significant extent) the psychological triggers for these unpleasant physiological experiences. I can train myself to be more calm. I can manage time better. I can learn and then abide to my limits. I can change those limits by slowly adhering to and then pushing them ever so slightly, yet steadily. I can change the way I think, and thusly, I can change the way I physically feel.
I'm not saying that I can cure myself of my nausea, migraines, IBS.... by changing the way I think-- by changing my instincts-- but I can definately put myself in a much better position. Emotional and Spiritual health are much more important than physical health. Of course the three are related- tightly interwoven- but notice how if one were to take physical health out of the picture it is still possible to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. But a removal spiritual health results in a disintigration of emotional health (and vice versa) and often results in a decline in physical health as well.
Strengthening ourselves emotionally and spiritually gives us the power to deal with physical struggles.
Having the Spirit in our lives can do so much for us in so many different ways. Being spiritually healthy on occasion will cure ailments, but more importantly- it always provides strength to endure. I think, also, that it can help catalyze medical treatment. Let me explain.
Recently (in the past month or so) I have begun to feel better. It's amazing. I keep waiting for this upswing in my health to stop, but so far it hasn't. I still am sick much of the time. I still throw up. I still get migraines. But they affect me less. The migraines are less often and less severe. The nausea is still constant, but less noticeable (yes- thanks in large part to the lovely zofran). I have, overall, been able to do more (I'll post more about that sometime soon, I guess). I have been able to see people more often, stick to commitments, etc. etc. It's been amazing. I was trying to figure out last week or the week prior what might have triggered this change. Was it a change in medication? Diet? Exercise? Routine?.... Something had to trigger this change.
And then I figured it out.
I started feeling better (gradually yes, but still noticeably) right around the time I seriously committed myself to having the Spirit in my life more. In making my spiritual well-being a priority, I was blessed by an improvement in my physical (and emotional) health.
The "little things" (reading your scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping Christ in mind) really do make all the difference. They open the door for the Spirit, and allow us to be influenced and blessed by it. I am so grateful for this. I understand that my physical health will fluctuate, that's just the nature of what I have to endure, but my ability to cope- to deal-, with health problems will continue to improve; as will my happiness and peace.

Peace is very interesting. I have a tendency to freak out. I don't get panic attacks all that often any more, but my anxiety level is still higher than the "average" person's. I usually think of myself as having it under control, but lately, with all the things I've had to worry about, my anxiety levels have been a bit higher than my own average. I have even had a few panic attacks. Nonetheless, I have found that it is still possible to have peace. (I wrote about a particular experience here.) I realized after FHE (and commented on it to Excellent Friend) that I was feeling peaceful. Today has been up and down for me (feeling crappy, but then not too bad; worrying about school, but then having some things resolved; stressful things with family....), and I have a good amount of things that I could be worried about. It wouldn't be unexpected if I had a panic attack as a result. I was definately worrying about these things earlier today. But, once again, I found that Heavenly Father and our Savior- if I let them- can instill in me a sense of peace- a knowledge that everything will turn out alright, even if there appears to be no possible solution. With this peace, I am reassured. I am given the extra boost in faith and strength that I need to endure. The resolution, or Happy Ending, may not happen for quite awhile, but it will happen. That's what matters. And even though there are many reasons for me to "freak out", and even though it would be very reasonable for me to worry, in this moment I am able to be calm and assured.
I understand that this feeling will leave me. But I can find comfort in knowing that what that feeling testifies of will not change. If I get distracted from that feeling and start to freak out, it doesn't change the Truth. Everything will be alright. Christ will take care of me. All I need to do is live my life so that I am allowing Him to.
While talking about this to Excellent Friend, I realized something else about it. I need to actively seek after that feeling of peace more. Instead of waiting to be in a spiritual setting that gives me that peace, I need to adapt my life so that I am bringing that peace to it. I know that I can do this, and I know I'm on the right track to doing it. That's so nice to know. I also know that I will be happier and able to accomplish more and become better by bringing that peace into my life.

E. Friend had a tough evening, and I surprised myself when I sat down next to him by not questioning him about what was on his mind. Normally my curiosity gets the best of me and I try to get people to talk to me. I want to know what's wrong, and how I can help. Tonight I was thoroughly curious and concerned. But somehow, I managed to heed the prompting that I didn't need to ask him all about it. I have recently begun to be more patient. Slowly this new wisdom has been planting itself in my brain. People will tell me things when they're ready to. I just need to let them know I'm there to love them, and that I'm willing to listen IF and when they are ready to talk. If they don't talk to me about it (and I have made sure they understand that I am there for them whenever they need me) then obviously it doesn't need to be talked about to me. So for the most part, I have recently been more able to curb my curiosity. It's fascinating.

So, as I sat with my Friend, I decided that while I let him think, I would do some thinking myself. I prayed. I pondered. And I asked for help and guidance.
Randomly popping into my mind were lines from a hymn. Thankfully (since I could only remember the first two lines), a hymn book was right next to me and I was able to look up the song. God Speed the Right. Part of the second verse caught my attention.

Ne’er despairing, though defeated,
God speed the right.
Like the great and good in story,
If we fail, we fail with glory.

I'm going to be thinking about those lines for the next couple of days. I believe that it's possible to be defeated and yet not despair. To fail, but fail in glory. It is a very intriguing idea to me, because that perspective is not one that comes naturally to me. Man, and especially, I think, the American Culture, has this idea that winning is glory, and to loose, fail, or be defeated-- is awful. We must, at all costs, avoid failure. The idea that failure might not be that bad- that idea is so completely foreign. It is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around it. It just is not how I have been conditioned to think.
Ideas about this are beginning to come to my mind, but they need some serious thinking and time to develop enough for me to come to any conclusion. I want insight from other people.
So, dear readers (yes, that means you, Magnificent Friend; and...- do I have any other readers?), I'd like some feedback. How does it work? --How can we be defeated, and yet not despair? How can fail, yet fail with glory?
It's an intriguing notion. I think that understanding this concept might just be part of "[putting] off the natural man", and coming to see and understand life and everything else as God does.

Those are my thoughts for this evening. Good night, and I'll try to start posting regularly again.