believe it or not, life is really good!

My cousin, Derek, wrote this post a couple days ago.  It got me thinking about similar experiences I've had, particularly recently.
Since last posting on this blog... wow, apparently that really was 6 months ago!  Anyways, since then, I've gone back to school.  My goal is to do some Pre-Med major and in about 4 years apply to med school.  Dream big, right?  Fall quarter went well, and I eased my way into it by taking 1 class- chemistry.  I'm still working part time and after all these years of migraines and other health problems, have finally learned to be kind to myself and not rush things.  I made friends in my class, and we all progressed to the next chemistry class for this current winter quarter.  I also felt like I should take ASL this quarter.  I loved taking ASL in high school, and even remembered a fair amount of it even though it's been... 8 years (wow!).
Anyways, this quarter has proved to be the hardest yet.  I don't know why the Lord has asked so much of me this quarter.  On top of taking 11 credits at school, I'm working an average of 20 hours a week.  That average looks more like... 10 hours 1 week and 40 the next.  Oh, and I still about 30-45 minutes away from my school... that also is tiring.  Oh, and I have an 830 am class.... every day.  And most of my shifts at work run till 10pm or later.  That has meant being sleep deprived at various points.  I'm not a morning person, so 1 week into the quarter I remember praying on the way in to school.  My prayer went something like, "I am not a morning person, how in the world can I do this every day for the rest of this quarter?"  Well, I haven't done it every day, I skipped class a couple times in the interest of my health, and teacher cancelled class a couple times in the interest of his.  Other than these times, I have actually done it.  And I think I'll come out of the quarter with good grades in both classes.
But that's not all I've been dealing with this quarter.  On top of those things (and the migraines that tend to come when I overwork and undersleep), my anxiety has spiked these last few months, and I've had a close friend who has been really sick.  Those two things have taken the most from me emotionally and spiritually.  So I've had stress from every angle, mentally with school, emotionally with anxiety, spiritually/emotionally with my friend, and physically with trying to keep up with it all!  About a month ago I got burnt out, so every day for a week or two I'd come home from work or school and sleep.  But I talked to my teachers and they have been kind.  I went back on preventative medication for my anxiety, and feel more like my normal self.  While not doing perfectly, I've made probably more of a concentrated/conscious effort to get enough sleep than I ever have in the past.  I know who my friends are, and the people I can trust, and I've talked to them.  I have a good team of classmates (particularly in chemistry), who have been kind and helpful when I struggled.
And here's the crux of it: I've had my Savior helping me.  I don't know why this was the quarter I felt like I really should take that extra ASL class.  I don't know why that class had to be at 0830 when I'm still living a 45 minute drive away.  I don't know why work was busier than normal every day I worked for a couple months straight.  I don't know why this was the same time I had to figure out how to juggle all of this, while it was also the same time my dear friend got really sick (maybe my busy schedule kept me from being an overhelpful pain lol).  I don't know why all of these things got thrown into my life at the same time, but now that the quarter is almost done, my reflections lead me to think that I'm better off for all of it.

To learn more about Jesus Christ, visit here

I can honestly say that on my own, I was physically incapable of dealing with all of this.  But I haven't been on my own.  I've been blessed with dear friends who take time for me, kind classmates who make succeeding in class seem like a team effort, family members who are patient when I'm home so little, and above all, I've been blessed with a Savior.  He really has saved me this quarter, I think.  He has made success in this terribly difficult time possible.  Not only that, but partnering with Him has brought me joy.  For the most part, I've been pretty happy for the past couple of months.  Stressed and worried?  Yes.  Sick and tired at times?  Yes.  Sleep-deprived?  Definitely.  Behind in my classes?  Sometimes.  Worried about my friend?  At times, of course.  More anxious than I've been in a couple years?  Yeah.
But despite all of this, I've had this over-arching peace.  I've had bad days, but I haven't felt like my life itself was bad.  I'm in awe that Christ really has helped me get through the impossible.  And to top it all off, I feel like a better, happier person as a result of this experience.

Oh, and I really am blessed.  I don't think I could list all of my blessings here, but here's a big one: I get to move into an apartment with one of my best friends really soon!!

And now I should close.  I've got homework due tonight, and essay due tomorrow, and two tests two days from now!  And some other stuff to do, too haha.

friendship and happiness

"bear one another's burdens, that they may be light"  -Mosiah 18:8
I was talking to a friend today about friendship.  When you choose to be happy- and learn how,  you find that a lot of negative people drop out of your life, and a lot of positive ones drop in.  It's not really a conscious decision, it's just that we attract people like ourselves.  when we're miserable, we tend to hang out with other miserable people.  when we're happy, healthy people, we find ourselves surrounded by other happy people.  you see, sometimes good, well-intending, caring people try to help other people bear their burdens, however they get caught up in it- and then those burdens never become light, they just get shared around and continue to make everyone miserable.  that's not how God wants it to be.
"...and men are that they might have joy." (2 Ne 2:25)  Help someone bear their burden, and then be happy.
The verses following "bear one another's burdens" include mourning with those that mourn, standing with those that are in need of comfort, and standing as a witness of God at all times, in all things, and all places.  And then we are told what the point is for doing all of this: "that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life".
My friend pointed out that the result of loving and helping others is interestingly self-centered in a way.  When I make a pattern of helping people selflessly, the result is an eternity of God-like happiness for me.
So don't get caught up in drama and suffering.  Help people when they're hurting, but don't forget the end goal.  The end goal is to be with God, to be like God, and to be happy.  And while being physically with and truly like God are things that will take quite some time, being happy doesn't have to.  Being happy can happen just as soon as you learn to live your life happily.  And when you remember this end goal, the people you help will be better off.  Your happiness will rub off on them, and truly help their burdens to become light.

faith and answers to prayer

There was a wonderful quote shared either in Sunday School or Relief Society today.  The following quote was shared,

When we seek inspiration to help makes decisions, the Lord gives gentle promptings.  These require us to think, to exercise faith, to work, to struggle at times, and to act.  Seldom does the whole answer to a decisively important matter or complex problem come all at once.  More often, it comes a piece at a time, without the end in sight.

I loved that quote so much, I google searched until I found the talk.  It's from a talk called, "Learning to Recognize Answers to Prayer" by Richard G Scott.  Go read it.  It's great.
I learned that when the answer to prayer is yes, it's encouragement to take confidence.  When the answer is no, it's keep us from making mistakes.  But the real kicker Elder Scott addresses, is that sometimes the answer to a prayer is withheld.  Or it comes in pieces.  When this happens, it is to encourage us to act.  As Elder Scott says:

When he withholds an answer, it is to have us grow through faith in Him, obedience to His commandments, and a willingness to act on truth.  We are expected to assume accountability by acting on decision that is consistent with His teachings without prior confirmation.  we are not to sit passively waiting or to murmur because the Lord has not spoken.  We are to act."

We are to act.  I love it.  I love the principle of action- of how Heavenly Father encourages us to go out and actually use our ability to choose.  Indeed, Paul said to Timothy, "God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  (2 Timothy 1:7)
Faith would not be so powerful if it were easy.  I choose to have faith.  I choose to have faith that Heavenly Father and Christ love me, they are guiding me, and that the things I have felt to be answers to prayer are truly Their wishes for me.  I will have doubts, but in those moments I will again choose faith.

can't sleep, and i've never liked counting sheep

my first interesting (and inane) note, is how on commas. you see, as i was typing the title to this post, i put a comma right up there after "can't sleep".  my elementary school training tells me that's not necessary, but rather optional.  because it's coming before "and".  i believe there was some movement to take commas away from before "and". or at least be okay with a lack of them.  at least, that's what i recall mrs. bowers in the fourth grade telling me.  or was it mrs. rossall in the fifth?  anyways, when i was in training for my absolutely wonderful new scribe job, my supervisor told me i didn't put enough commas in.  she'd go over histories of present illness i'd written, and stick in a bunch of commas(an HPI the part of the patient's chart where you sum up all the stuff they told you about what's wrong with them today). we had a nice discussion about commas following this.  she's only a few years older than i, and so i wonder- did the anti-comma movement begin with my generation?  or is it just me?  so in order to make her happy, i began putting commas in all sorts of grammatically appropriate places which i had never previously done.  and i'm still doing it.  it makes me chuckle.
oh, and i'm not sure if this is related or not, but most physicians (and scribes) seem to be against double spacing between sentences.  i've observed doctors go over my HPI and removethe double spaces.  i adapt, and then remind myself that they probably didn't major in english.  oh, except there is one doctor who does use them, and i get excited because then i can type the way i'm trained to-- with double spaces after my periods.  except i think the habit might be wearing a little thin, because in writing this i'm havign to consciously remind myself to double space.
i flash back to that time in sixth grade when my mom, english major and all, reviewed an essay i wrote.  i remember her informing me that i needed to double space between sentences.  i told her my teacher didn't ask for that.  she responded that it's the proper thing to do, and even if my teacher didn't ask for it, i should do it anyways.  so i did.  and it became a habit.  and i never remember anyone else making a fuss about it during my school career, so either i learned my lesson, or no one cared.  or both.  but i'm glad that my mom taught me to double space.

now, if you didn't consider those previous 3 paragraphs a waste of your time, i'll just keep babbling.  and if you did, but you're still reading for some reason anyways, i'll just keep babbling all the same.

so it's 3am and i can't sleep.  why?  a few reasons.  the first being that i am a night owl by nature.  even if i get into the habit of waking early, it doesn't take much at all to get me back into my night owl-y ways.  second reason, work.  i worked night shift recently, and then some late nights since.  add that to the spring quarter being over and therefore no reason to be out of bed at 7am after working till midnight the previous night, and you have night-owlishness.  on top of that, i didn't really make it to my morning classes regularly for the last two weeks of spring quarter.  'cuz my migraines started acting up.
yeah, i should have expected as much.  and i'm pretty sure i know exactly what happened.  you see, i registered for classes full-time.  and then i started a new job.  and i still tried to spend some time with family, and have a social life, and date.  and go to church.  i was really excited at the beginning of all this, because i feel satisfied when my life is full.  when i am busily engaged in multiple good things, feel like i'm moving forward in my life, and have meaningful relationships with the people around me, i feel content.  more than content, actually.  i'm happy, and excited, and super grateful.
i knew before the quarter started that i should be looking for a job, and that i should be working.  i recall feeling confident about going to school full-time.  i was nervous about adding work to that challenge, but i knew the impression to work and go to school was an impression from my Heavenly Father.  i trusted that since that was what He wanted me to do, i would be able to do it.  and for a few weeks i did.  honestly, if i didn't have the health problems that i do, i think i would have been able to keep it up.  but that's what made me feel so grateful- i knew that there was no way without the aide of God and His angels that i could work and go to school.  and truly, even just the few weeks that i did do it and stay on top of things were nothing short of miraculous, especially when juxtaposed with my academic and health histories.

but let's catch up to where i am now.  the quarter's over and i still haven't finished my classes.  i have an arrangement with my teachers, so there's hope, but it still makes me nervous.  and i'm nervous about my future.  it kind of sucks not being able to count on the long term plans i make because my health problems have a habit of never resolving and popping back up with a vengeance for months at a time at least a few times yearly.  i like doing things, and i like making plans.  it's hard to feel limited in my ability to do both.
oh, and there's the whole thing about wanting to get married.  and have a family.  i don't want to rush into anything, and indeed, i find some fulfillment from simply getting to know and befriend the single guys around me.  i've been pretty happy with the state of my love life as of late.  but my attitude changes a little bit when i get sick, and am subsequently cooped up for days on end (where did that expression come from anyways?  when you break it down, it really doesn't mean anything... reminds me of a conversation my buddy stan and i had about the english language versus ancient languages).  in these cases, i really just want someone to have at home, to cuddle with in bed while i feel like crap and my hair is a mess.  and someone whom i don't have to worry about losing a chance with or dealing with those silly dating situations when i want to cancel, reschedule, or just change what we're doing for a date because i don't feel up to doing much.
and just so we're clear, i'm not saying that i'm looking for a cuddle-buddy.  those are nice, i guess, but mostly useless, and confusing.

also, i'm pretty sure i just babbled about a bunch of stuff to put on my public blog which i wouldn't have if i weren't both sleep-deprived and migraining.  like, my brain does weird things with migraines and pain.  one of them being a lessening somewhat in inhibitions.  dunno if anyone other than those super close to me would notice, but it happens.  i get to the point where i do something or consider doing something and just don't have the mental energy to decide whether or not to actually do it or say it, and then i just decide that it's what i'm really thinking and if the person i'm talking to loves me, or is at least a kind reasonable person, won't judge me if it comes out sounding stupid or crazy or childish or something.  because by rule i'm not stupid, childish, or crazy (technically speaking).

and i have no way to neatly sum up all of these thoughts.  there's a phrase commonly used by scribes to sum up HPI's.  first we say what the patient is complaining of, how long they've been experiencing it, any accompanying symptoms, risk factors or other pertinent information, and then we list a bunch of pertinent things they're not experiencing.  "so-and-so complains of shortness of breath, but denies any loss of consciousness, chest pain, palpitations, nausea, or vomiting" is important to note because it indicates they're probably not having a heart attack.  or "so-and-so complains of a laceration to his forearm after falling off his dirt bike, but denies any weakness, numbness, or tingling" is good to note because it indicates they probably don't have any nerve or muscle damage.
anyways.... after these things in the HPI, there are two magical phrases we use to wrap it all up.  "S/he is otherwise in good health with no additional complaints" and "s/he is otherwise in her normal state of health with no additional complaints."  it sums things up nicely (the latter is particularly good for people with lots of health problems who only come into the ER because they got a scratch that needs to be stitched up).

so, to sum up this post, i am otherwise in my normal state of health, with no additional complaints.

and here's a pretty picture for you to look at, just for making it to the end of this post.  i got these from my dad when i had my sinus surgery back in february.  pretty, eh?

The Guyana Journal... Post #2

23 Oct Sunday

After staying up most of last night packing, my plane left Seattle this morning around 8:30am.  I flew to Chicago, where I met Miriam- our nurse.  I like her.  She has kids my age.  She is Jewish.  I’m excited to get to know some Jewish people and more about their religion- I feel like learning about Judaism is like learning about my own faith.

I got a father’s blessing from Scott this morning before we left for the airport.  As soon as he put his hands on my head and began speaking I started crying.  Oh how I had been yearning for a blessing!  And what a relief to finally receive one!  I was blessed to have a safe trip and reminded of what King Benjamin said in the book of Mosiah, “When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.”  I don’t remember much else that was said, but I remember noting that I wasn’t promised good health.  I may still have good health, or I may struggle.  I personally hope that Guyana proves to be good for my asthma & sinuses and therefore migraines.  Guess we’ll find out.  I remember, though, feeling or sensing the flow of revelation through Scott as he quoted the scripture from Mosiah.

Early today, on my first flight, that scripture helped me through.  I was getting anxious.  Then I remembered that I am on the Lord’s errand!  I am serving Him!  I was reminded and humbled:  this is not about me.  I feel weak and inadequate, but I am going to Guyana to serve my God.

I was reminded that Christ can make weak things strong.  I feel like I may be the weakest link in our team- maybe least prepared, maybe not, but I am the youngest, with no professional experience whatsoever, little money, and on top of it all, I have health problems!  Migraines brought on by stress.  Sinus problems.  Sleep apnea… and I’m going 2 weeks without my CPAP!  I’m pretty irregular with using it, but I haven’t gone 2 weeks without it before.

As I think of all those things, my heart begins to race a little.  Anxiety.  But the Spirit- beneath the light fog of anxiety, whispers to me.  I am reminded that Moses (Aaron?) was slow of speech; Joseph Smith barely had any formal education, and other prophets have at times felt weak and inadequate.

I am also reminded of the pioneers being asked to leave the comfort of their homes in Nauvoo, trust the Lord, and move forward with the very most basic of necessities and sometimes lacking even those.

*~*~*~*

when we were still clean and our clothes didn't smell

On the plane to Trinidad and Tobago I helped two ladies fill out their entry into country form.  They are Chinese, older and I wonder if they are sisters?  Chee Kwan’s passport says it was issued in Trinidad-Tobago.  Chunru’s was issued in Port of Spain, but is a Chinese passport.  Neither of them speak much English, let alone write it, so I had the privilege of filling out the information on their sheet and asking questions like “are you married?” and trying to explain what I as asking.  It was fun.  They were visiting China and are on their way home to Trinidad-Tobago.  What’s in Trinidad-Tobago anyways?  I know absolutely nothing of the country.

Carol, Miriam, and Dr Fred

I like my teammates.  They all seem just as confused as I- excited, but not sure what we’ve gotten ourselves into. J  First there’s Miriam, she’s a nurse who does acupuncture.  She has 3 kids ages 24, 22, and 18.  Her boyfriend didn’t talk to her for a couple days and so she “threatened” to leave the country… and ended up having everything fall into place rather quickly- a lot like me.  We talked about religion and she asked me about mine- she didn’t know much about Mormons.  I was trying to communicate our religious respect for Judaism… it was hard considering I’ve never studied Judaism or had Jewish friends.  I ended up saying something I felt was good to communicate.  Essentially, learning about Judaism and Jewish beliefs adds to and strengthens what I already feel, believe, and know.  When I learn about Judaism, I feel like I’m learning about my own religion.

Okay, Dr. Fred Leitner.  When I first met him, he reminded me of the Uncle Red from the Red-Green show.  He used to do family practice, then went into occupational medicine, from which he just quit and is considering going back to family practice.  He left it in the first place because he felt like he wasn’t able to practice medicine the way he learned to do it—he said the Canadian healthcare system (which has long been socialized) has cut out much of doctors' choices and also demanded less face-to-face time with patients.

Red Green from the RedGreen show.... the guy whom Dr Fred reminded me of :)

it's a wonderful life!

So, pretty much, I'm in a place where I'm happy with my life at the moment. Not to say that it's not difficult, because it is. There are a lot of things going on that I could very well stress out about-- which I have stressed out about, and even panicked about a time or two.
But overall, I am happy with my life because I know that I'm living it as my Father in Heaven would have me. There are soo many things up in the air (school, friends, health, etc) that I honestly have almost no idea how they'll turn out. I do, however, have the knowledge that I have the Spirit in my life. I have little promptings here and there which remind me that I am living how I should be living. Not perfectly-- definately not perfectly. But I'm dealing with my imperfections and I'm going through the life process of growing and maturing. I can see lessons I'm learning, and I understand that there are many ways I'm growing which I don't even recognize (and of course, many ways I have yet to grow). I might freak out from time to time; there might some trials that are especially difficult; but honestly, this process is nothing new. It's part of that wondrous Plan and I feel comforted in knowing that I am growing as my Father would have me do. Knowing this helps me to have the faith that everything will work out just fine in the end (and the eternal end, too!).

On a sidenote: conference was wonderful. I loved the talks and saw a couple themes there just for me. I took great notes, but not as anal retentively as normal, which left me thinking room for hearing what the Spirit had to tell me (and thus take note of that and not just what the speaker was talking of).
I also got to hold hands with a boy. (gasp!) That also helped to contribute to more conservative note-taking. But don't worry- I didn't let it get in the way of the really important things I had to take note of! (Sorry, I can't hold your hand right now because I need to write something down.... again.... like I did just a moment ago.... and will probably do again in another minute....)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some conference notes to read over and ponder on. (I didn't get the themes I noticed written down for the Sunday sessions like I did for the Saturday ones.) Then some scripture reading. I am making a go at Isaiah. Wish me luck. (I'm currently in the chapters that overlap with 2 Nephi and am thusly reading from there. So far it's not as bad--- tricky-- as I expected. :D) I also have some praying to do, because prayer is awesome.
Oh, that's another thing. You know what's absolutely awesome? When you don't have an answer for someone, being able to say, "I really really don't know! But guess what?! God does! Go ask Him!" I love that! It totally made my day yesterday, and I think it worked out for my Friend, too!

Okay, gute Nacht! Und haben Sie su"sse Trau"me! Schlafen Sie gut!

learning and growing experiences

A few things are bouncing about in my brain tonight. Firstly, is an idea I had while listening to FBI Agent O'Riley talk to us in FHE ("Family Home Evening"-- I've started attending the local singles' ward's FHE) about self defense. Secondly, are some lines from the hymn God Speed the Right. And lastly, some thoughts about peace.

So, first off-- Brother (I'm 95% confident he's Mormon) Agent O'Riley was talking about how adrenaline affects us in situations where we need to defend ourselves. He drilled into our heads the fact that there are inevitable physiological reactions to psychological experiences. Physiology and psychology go hand in. When someone comes after us with a knife, we naturally get kind of freaked out- that is a psychological reaction. Along with it, comes the adrenaline rush (physiological). Tunnel vision. Exaggerated gross motor skills, but poor fine motor skills (don't even try to play the flute when being attacked). And so on. He talked about using those physiological reactions to our advantage and not letting them take advantage of us. (Punching, kicking, and shoving an attacker however you can will be much easier than trying to contort their fingers or strategically land a ninja-style kick.)
Related this same statement he made, was the statement which I wrote down (in the little notebook that travels with me everywhere for just this purpose): We cannot control our physiological reaction, but we can (at least to an extent) control our psychological reactions. I found that piece of advice particularly applicable to me.
I cannot change that fact that when I get really anxious, I also get really nauseous. I can't change the fact that stress- whether it be actually "stressing out" or merely mental or physical exertion- results in a pronounced physiological response for me. I get migraines; I throw up; I become (easily) exhausted; I get sore all over; I can't think clearly; I end up doing nothing but staying at home.
These things I cannot change. That is just how my body and mind are wired togethor. Maybe, over time, that will change, but for now, that's my reality.
What I can do, however, is control (to a significant extent) the psychological triggers for these unpleasant physiological experiences. I can train myself to be more calm. I can manage time better. I can learn and then abide to my limits. I can change those limits by slowly adhering to and then pushing them ever so slightly, yet steadily. I can change the way I think, and thusly, I can change the way I physically feel.
I'm not saying that I can cure myself of my nausea, migraines, IBS.... by changing the way I think-- by changing my instincts-- but I can definately put myself in a much better position. Emotional and Spiritual health are much more important than physical health. Of course the three are related- tightly interwoven- but notice how if one were to take physical health out of the picture it is still possible to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. But a removal spiritual health results in a disintigration of emotional health (and vice versa) and often results in a decline in physical health as well.
Strengthening ourselves emotionally and spiritually gives us the power to deal with physical struggles.
Having the Spirit in our lives can do so much for us in so many different ways. Being spiritually healthy on occasion will cure ailments, but more importantly- it always provides strength to endure. I think, also, that it can help catalyze medical treatment. Let me explain.
Recently (in the past month or so) I have begun to feel better. It's amazing. I keep waiting for this upswing in my health to stop, but so far it hasn't. I still am sick much of the time. I still throw up. I still get migraines. But they affect me less. The migraines are less often and less severe. The nausea is still constant, but less noticeable (yes- thanks in large part to the lovely zofran). I have, overall, been able to do more (I'll post more about that sometime soon, I guess). I have been able to see people more often, stick to commitments, etc. etc. It's been amazing. I was trying to figure out last week or the week prior what might have triggered this change. Was it a change in medication? Diet? Exercise? Routine?.... Something had to trigger this change.
And then I figured it out.
I started feeling better (gradually yes, but still noticeably) right around the time I seriously committed myself to having the Spirit in my life more. In making my spiritual well-being a priority, I was blessed by an improvement in my physical (and emotional) health.
The "little things" (reading your scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping Christ in mind) really do make all the difference. They open the door for the Spirit, and allow us to be influenced and blessed by it. I am so grateful for this. I understand that my physical health will fluctuate, that's just the nature of what I have to endure, but my ability to cope- to deal-, with health problems will continue to improve; as will my happiness and peace.

Peace is very interesting. I have a tendency to freak out. I don't get panic attacks all that often any more, but my anxiety level is still higher than the "average" person's. I usually think of myself as having it under control, but lately, with all the things I've had to worry about, my anxiety levels have been a bit higher than my own average. I have even had a few panic attacks. Nonetheless, I have found that it is still possible to have peace. (I wrote about a particular experience here.) I realized after FHE (and commented on it to Excellent Friend) that I was feeling peaceful. Today has been up and down for me (feeling crappy, but then not too bad; worrying about school, but then having some things resolved; stressful things with family....), and I have a good amount of things that I could be worried about. It wouldn't be unexpected if I had a panic attack as a result. I was definately worrying about these things earlier today. But, once again, I found that Heavenly Father and our Savior- if I let them- can instill in me a sense of peace- a knowledge that everything will turn out alright, even if there appears to be no possible solution. With this peace, I am reassured. I am given the extra boost in faith and strength that I need to endure. The resolution, or Happy Ending, may not happen for quite awhile, but it will happen. That's what matters. And even though there are many reasons for me to "freak out", and even though it would be very reasonable for me to worry, in this moment I am able to be calm and assured.
I understand that this feeling will leave me. But I can find comfort in knowing that what that feeling testifies of will not change. If I get distracted from that feeling and start to freak out, it doesn't change the Truth. Everything will be alright. Christ will take care of me. All I need to do is live my life so that I am allowing Him to.
While talking about this to Excellent Friend, I realized something else about it. I need to actively seek after that feeling of peace more. Instead of waiting to be in a spiritual setting that gives me that peace, I need to adapt my life so that I am bringing that peace to it. I know that I can do this, and I know I'm on the right track to doing it. That's so nice to know. I also know that I will be happier and able to accomplish more and become better by bringing that peace into my life.

E. Friend had a tough evening, and I surprised myself when I sat down next to him by not questioning him about what was on his mind. Normally my curiosity gets the best of me and I try to get people to talk to me. I want to know what's wrong, and how I can help. Tonight I was thoroughly curious and concerned. But somehow, I managed to heed the prompting that I didn't need to ask him all about it. I have recently begun to be more patient. Slowly this new wisdom has been planting itself in my brain. People will tell me things when they're ready to. I just need to let them know I'm there to love them, and that I'm willing to listen IF and when they are ready to talk. If they don't talk to me about it (and I have made sure they understand that I am there for them whenever they need me) then obviously it doesn't need to be talked about to me. So for the most part, I have recently been more able to curb my curiosity. It's fascinating.

So, as I sat with my Friend, I decided that while I let him think, I would do some thinking myself. I prayed. I pondered. And I asked for help and guidance.
Randomly popping into my mind were lines from a hymn. Thankfully (since I could only remember the first two lines), a hymn book was right next to me and I was able to look up the song. God Speed the Right. Part of the second verse caught my attention.

Ne’er despairing, though defeated,
God speed the right.
Like the great and good in story,
If we fail, we fail with glory.

I'm going to be thinking about those lines for the next couple of days. I believe that it's possible to be defeated and yet not despair. To fail, but fail in glory. It is a very intriguing idea to me, because that perspective is not one that comes naturally to me. Man, and especially, I think, the American Culture, has this idea that winning is glory, and to loose, fail, or be defeated-- is awful. We must, at all costs, avoid failure. The idea that failure might not be that bad- that idea is so completely foreign. It is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around it. It just is not how I have been conditioned to think.
Ideas about this are beginning to come to my mind, but they need some serious thinking and time to develop enough for me to come to any conclusion. I want insight from other people.
So, dear readers (yes, that means you, Magnificent Friend; and...- do I have any other readers?), I'd like some feedback. How does it work? --How can we be defeated, and yet not despair? How can fail, yet fail with glory?
It's an intriguing notion. I think that understanding this concept might just be part of "[putting] off the natural man", and coming to see and understand life and everything else as God does.

Those are my thoughts for this evening. Good night, and I'll try to start posting regularly again.

this feeling is peace

There's a lot to be grateful for. On my mind at the moment are xenox, my parents, peace(think this song), and eternal truths.

This morning I struggled. I knew I needed to feel the Spirit. I needed the guidance and comfort. I was feeling anxious, and just couldn't shake the feeling. Anxiety has a way of clouding one's mind. It keeps out comfort, guidance, enlightenment- all things that would offer peace. I took my mom up on her offer to take a xenox- not something I do regularly, mind you, but I believe I was having a bit of a panic attack, and in the interest of getting the anxiety enough out of the way for me to be able to accept the peace that Heavenly Father can give, I decided it was worth it.
Church is wonderful. The atmosphere, people, and sense of community are a part of that, but even more- the gospel truths being taught at church are wonderful. The guidance and comfort that can be obtained there are nothing short of amazing. I absolutely love how it causes me to refocus on the important things, and, more specifically, on truths.
Eternal truths are another amazing thing. To think that behind the endless expanse that is the universe, there exist orders and laws that govern not only the motion of the planets, but provide a means to pure and eternal happiness- what joy! What sweet and wonderful, blissful joy.
Just as breathtaking is the fact that we, dust of the Earth that we are, can know and reap the blessings of these truths. Our loving Father in Heaven speaks to us today through prophets so that we may know the truths necessary to our eternal salvation, progression and happiness. I am nothing short of amazed and grateful.
On a more personal note, my parents are wonderful. Sure, I disagree with them about some things (media preferences &c), I may roll my eyes at them from time to time (and sometimes may even be almost justified in it), but when it comes down to it, they are nothing short of amazing, admirable, spiritual, and loving people. They are parents I am glad and grateful to have. Their testimonies, their common sense, ability to teach and lead our family, and their love leaves me with a smile on my face, tears in my eyes, and a sappy warm feeling in my heart. I watch them handle the critical things, and find them not wanting, but excelling. In that- what I think the most necessary parental quality next only to love- I hope to emulate them. For that, I am grateful to them.

Isn't peace an interesting thing? I woke up this morning feeling anxious, and probably got to the point where I was suffering a mild panic attack. None of the things that caused me anxiety this morning have been resolved. Despite this, I feel peace- a quiet reassurance that everything will be alright and I need not worry so much, but trust in my Father.

All may not be right with the world, but I am at peace with it.

the medicine of friendship

I woke up this morning thankfully sans migraine, but unfortunately not sans anything else. Nausea was there, but what I noticed most was the mental and physical feeling of pure fatigue. My muscles felt more than just tired or sore. I felt as if my body were missing some substance which kept it from wilting, for I felt as if I were, indeed wilting.
I'm pretty certain that I've been struggling a bit with my depression. I'm glad I recognize it. I think the fatigue can be blamed partly on some depression. I've had a growing disinterest, or apathy, for things which I normally have a high amount of energy and concern for.
I think I might be trying so hard to not stress out about school that I have become a bit apathetic towards it. Towards my future. Towards my religion. My music. I have even begun to feel apathy towards my friends from time to time. It might be because it's easier to be apathetic than it is to worry overmuch.
But I digress-- I was not feeling well today. Physically I was exhausted, mentally I was foggy at best, and emotionally I was depressed. I felt that feeling of hopelessness weighing on me, even as I dared to hope for little things.
Usually I hope for comfort and company. I miss my friends a great deal.
I played some solitaire (spider- the best kind), hoping to distract myself. I practiced my flute- hoping that playing would get some emotion out, and release the pressure pent up inside my chest. I was texting a friend, trying to figure out when I'd get to see him next. I felt as if I were in a fog of apathetic depression (or would it be depressed apathy??).
Such was my state when the lovely Christine called. Just to say hi. She had plans for the evening with a friend of ours, and I found myself interested... I wanted to see them both. I didn't care so much what we were doing, but the thought of their company thrilled me. I think I may very well have been craving the interaction.
I got ready quickly and was picked up, and off we went. The evening didn't go as I thought it might have-- we did (and didn't do) things I hadn't expected. It didn't matter though. There was conversation- both silly and serious, inane and meaningful. My brain clicked on. By the time I got home (at least a couple hours later than anticipated), my mind felt so much clearer, and my heart so much lighter.
The evening wasn't easy. We did a lot, and talked a lot.
And yet, I came home happy. With a hope in my heart that I may just be able to do things again. That I may be able to live again.
It was good to get out of the house.
It was great to be in the company of dear friends.
It is wonderful to feel rejuvenated.