friendship and happiness

"bear one another's burdens, that they may be light"  -Mosiah 18:8
I was talking to a friend today about friendship.  When you choose to be happy- and learn how,  you find that a lot of negative people drop out of your life, and a lot of positive ones drop in.  It's not really a conscious decision, it's just that we attract people like ourselves.  when we're miserable, we tend to hang out with other miserable people.  when we're happy, healthy people, we find ourselves surrounded by other happy people.  you see, sometimes good, well-intending, caring people try to help other people bear their burdens, however they get caught up in it- and then those burdens never become light, they just get shared around and continue to make everyone miserable.  that's not how God wants it to be.
"...and men are that they might have joy." (2 Ne 2:25)  Help someone bear their burden, and then be happy.
The verses following "bear one another's burdens" include mourning with those that mourn, standing with those that are in need of comfort, and standing as a witness of God at all times, in all things, and all places.  And then we are told what the point is for doing all of this: "that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life".
My friend pointed out that the result of loving and helping others is interestingly self-centered in a way.  When I make a pattern of helping people selflessly, the result is an eternity of God-like happiness for me.
So don't get caught up in drama and suffering.  Help people when they're hurting, but don't forget the end goal.  The end goal is to be with God, to be like God, and to be happy.  And while being physically with and truly like God are things that will take quite some time, being happy doesn't have to.  Being happy can happen just as soon as you learn to live your life happily.  And when you remember this end goal, the people you help will be better off.  Your happiness will rub off on them, and truly help their burdens to become light.

to my future children

I watched a blog video clip from this strong woman (go to her blog, and if you can donate, please do).  It was from the beginning of the year and I just closed out of the page and it would take me awhile to find it again, and it was even on a different blog of hers.  Anyways, in her video clip, the woman speaks to her future children about her anorexia.  She talks about how she loves her anorexia (she talks about this a lot in her blog, too), but how she loves them more, and she wants to beat the anorexia so she can give birth to them and be a good mother to them.  This touched me, and I just felt I had to share my feelings about it.  I pray that I will say what needs to be said, and know to leave out what is not appropriate or kosher to share with the entire web.
Most of my friends and family know I was in love and engaged 2 years ago.  I'm not really shy about sharing this- just as, once asked, I'm not really shy about sharing most things in my life (or mind).  Ironic, considering I was so shy, I used to hide behind my dad's leg when I was little.  Anyways, during my engagement- particularly the beginning (while, imo, it was still pretty healthy and right)- I felt very close to God.  And I felt very close to angels.  And I loved my children.  Not that I have any yet, but I knew I would.  And I felt so close to them.  When we broke up, I felt like I lost them, and in some ways, that was even harder than breaking up.  Because I already loved them.  Somehow, loving them helped me get through that difficult, insane, confusing, upside-down, life-spinning-out-of-control time of my life.
Fast forward to today.  I feel sane, and happy.  Sometimes I really miss feeling close to my children.  I like who I am.  I honestly continue to struggle with being happy with where I am in life (my mind tells me, do more, be more), but I know God loves me, and frankly, I love me, too.  And lately I've had a lot of people tell me they love me, too.  It's weird and often unexpected, but I totally appreciate it.
Anyways...

To my future children
I don't know who you are yet, but I love you.  I don't have a family or a home for you yet (kinda need a husband for that), but I'm excited to have you come.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Thank you for being the wonderful spirits you are.  Loving you motivates me to do hard things.  I hope I can live healthily, so I can teach you how to be healthy.  I hope I live close to Christ so I can teach you to expect His influence in your lives daily.  I hope, despite my weaknesses,  that you never question my commitment to the Kingdom of God.  I hope you always know I love you.  I hope I can teach you what it means to be emotionally healthy- just as my mother, and her mother, have taught me.  I hope you love Heavenly Father, never doubt your divinity, and trust in His Plan.  And lastly, I hope you know how grateful I am for you.


Thank you, Camilla, The Night Baker, for sharing your story.

"stop it!"

President Uchtdorf said something awesome in General Conference last April.  Here's an excerpt from that epic speech (which you can read in its entirety here)

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon.  When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it! 

It's that simple.  We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. 

I think this talk resonated with all who listened for two reasons, 1) we all judge others and need to stop, and 2) President Uchtdorf presented it so matter-of-factly, and lovingly.

I came across the below recently on a blog I enjoy following.  I thought it rather fitting.

(photo from jessica hagy's awesome blog, here)

can't sleep, and i've never liked counting sheep

my first interesting (and inane) note, is how on commas. you see, as i was typing the title to this post, i put a comma right up there after "can't sleep".  my elementary school training tells me that's not necessary, but rather optional.  because it's coming before "and".  i believe there was some movement to take commas away from before "and". or at least be okay with a lack of them.  at least, that's what i recall mrs. bowers in the fourth grade telling me.  or was it mrs. rossall in the fifth?  anyways, when i was in training for my absolutely wonderful new scribe job, my supervisor told me i didn't put enough commas in.  she'd go over histories of present illness i'd written, and stick in a bunch of commas(an HPI the part of the patient's chart where you sum up all the stuff they told you about what's wrong with them today). we had a nice discussion about commas following this.  she's only a few years older than i, and so i wonder- did the anti-comma movement begin with my generation?  or is it just me?  so in order to make her happy, i began putting commas in all sorts of grammatically appropriate places which i had never previously done.  and i'm still doing it.  it makes me chuckle.
oh, and i'm not sure if this is related or not, but most physicians (and scribes) seem to be against double spacing between sentences.  i've observed doctors go over my HPI and removethe double spaces.  i adapt, and then remind myself that they probably didn't major in english.  oh, except there is one doctor who does use them, and i get excited because then i can type the way i'm trained to-- with double spaces after my periods.  except i think the habit might be wearing a little thin, because in writing this i'm havign to consciously remind myself to double space.
i flash back to that time in sixth grade when my mom, english major and all, reviewed an essay i wrote.  i remember her informing me that i needed to double space between sentences.  i told her my teacher didn't ask for that.  she responded that it's the proper thing to do, and even if my teacher didn't ask for it, i should do it anyways.  so i did.  and it became a habit.  and i never remember anyone else making a fuss about it during my school career, so either i learned my lesson, or no one cared.  or both.  but i'm glad that my mom taught me to double space.

now, if you didn't consider those previous 3 paragraphs a waste of your time, i'll just keep babbling.  and if you did, but you're still reading for some reason anyways, i'll just keep babbling all the same.

so it's 3am and i can't sleep.  why?  a few reasons.  the first being that i am a night owl by nature.  even if i get into the habit of waking early, it doesn't take much at all to get me back into my night owl-y ways.  second reason, work.  i worked night shift recently, and then some late nights since.  add that to the spring quarter being over and therefore no reason to be out of bed at 7am after working till midnight the previous night, and you have night-owlishness.  on top of that, i didn't really make it to my morning classes regularly for the last two weeks of spring quarter.  'cuz my migraines started acting up.
yeah, i should have expected as much.  and i'm pretty sure i know exactly what happened.  you see, i registered for classes full-time.  and then i started a new job.  and i still tried to spend some time with family, and have a social life, and date.  and go to church.  i was really excited at the beginning of all this, because i feel satisfied when my life is full.  when i am busily engaged in multiple good things, feel like i'm moving forward in my life, and have meaningful relationships with the people around me, i feel content.  more than content, actually.  i'm happy, and excited, and super grateful.
i knew before the quarter started that i should be looking for a job, and that i should be working.  i recall feeling confident about going to school full-time.  i was nervous about adding work to that challenge, but i knew the impression to work and go to school was an impression from my Heavenly Father.  i trusted that since that was what He wanted me to do, i would be able to do it.  and for a few weeks i did.  honestly, if i didn't have the health problems that i do, i think i would have been able to keep it up.  but that's what made me feel so grateful- i knew that there was no way without the aide of God and His angels that i could work and go to school.  and truly, even just the few weeks that i did do it and stay on top of things were nothing short of miraculous, especially when juxtaposed with my academic and health histories.

but let's catch up to where i am now.  the quarter's over and i still haven't finished my classes.  i have an arrangement with my teachers, so there's hope, but it still makes me nervous.  and i'm nervous about my future.  it kind of sucks not being able to count on the long term plans i make because my health problems have a habit of never resolving and popping back up with a vengeance for months at a time at least a few times yearly.  i like doing things, and i like making plans.  it's hard to feel limited in my ability to do both.
oh, and there's the whole thing about wanting to get married.  and have a family.  i don't want to rush into anything, and indeed, i find some fulfillment from simply getting to know and befriend the single guys around me.  i've been pretty happy with the state of my love life as of late.  but my attitude changes a little bit when i get sick, and am subsequently cooped up for days on end (where did that expression come from anyways?  when you break it down, it really doesn't mean anything... reminds me of a conversation my buddy stan and i had about the english language versus ancient languages).  in these cases, i really just want someone to have at home, to cuddle with in bed while i feel like crap and my hair is a mess.  and someone whom i don't have to worry about losing a chance with or dealing with those silly dating situations when i want to cancel, reschedule, or just change what we're doing for a date because i don't feel up to doing much.
and just so we're clear, i'm not saying that i'm looking for a cuddle-buddy.  those are nice, i guess, but mostly useless, and confusing.

also, i'm pretty sure i just babbled about a bunch of stuff to put on my public blog which i wouldn't have if i weren't both sleep-deprived and migraining.  like, my brain does weird things with migraines and pain.  one of them being a lessening somewhat in inhibitions.  dunno if anyone other than those super close to me would notice, but it happens.  i get to the point where i do something or consider doing something and just don't have the mental energy to decide whether or not to actually do it or say it, and then i just decide that it's what i'm really thinking and if the person i'm talking to loves me, or is at least a kind reasonable person, won't judge me if it comes out sounding stupid or crazy or childish or something.  because by rule i'm not stupid, childish, or crazy (technically speaking).

and i have no way to neatly sum up all of these thoughts.  there's a phrase commonly used by scribes to sum up HPI's.  first we say what the patient is complaining of, how long they've been experiencing it, any accompanying symptoms, risk factors or other pertinent information, and then we list a bunch of pertinent things they're not experiencing.  "so-and-so complains of shortness of breath, but denies any loss of consciousness, chest pain, palpitations, nausea, or vomiting" is important to note because it indicates they're probably not having a heart attack.  or "so-and-so complains of a laceration to his forearm after falling off his dirt bike, but denies any weakness, numbness, or tingling" is good to note because it indicates they probably don't have any nerve or muscle damage.
anyways.... after these things in the HPI, there are two magical phrases we use to wrap it all up.  "S/he is otherwise in good health with no additional complaints" and "s/he is otherwise in her normal state of health with no additional complaints."  it sums things up nicely (the latter is particularly good for people with lots of health problems who only come into the ER because they got a scratch that needs to be stitched up).

so, to sum up this post, i am otherwise in my normal state of health, with no additional complaints.

and here's a pretty picture for you to look at, just for making it to the end of this post.  i got these from my dad when i had my sinus surgery back in february.  pretty, eh?

some thoughts on falling in love

My friend Danilo shared the below quote and this thought on facebook today. I liked it so much I figured I should do something to keep it in mind ;)

Elder Hugh B. Brown concurs: “Infatuation may be romantic, glamorous, thrilling, and even urgent, but genuine love should not be in a hurry. … Time should be taken for serious thought, and opportunity given for [each partner to gain] physical, mental, and spiritual maturity. Longer acquaintances will enable both to evaluate themselves and their proposed companions, to know each other’s likes and dislikes, habits and dispositions, aptitudes and aspirations” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 27, 34). i love this quote genuine Love should not be in a hurry there is no reason for it especially if this love is eternal.

I've had discussions about this idea with a couple of friends recently.  My friend Stan commented recently that if you rush things it can ruin everything because rushing stunts the development of real love. Take it slow.  Don't drag your feet, but don't rush anything, either. Pursue someone you're interested in and let things unfold naturally. Genuine affection, commitment, loyalty, and true Christlike love for one another will develop. And "if it's meant to be, it will be."

"here we are and here we will stay"

Less than four days until I leave for my grand adventure to Guyana. As I finished filling out some insurance claims forms, I came across a quote from President Brigham Young I had carefully copied one day months ago during church. It's a beautiful quote and I felt it a shame to simply place it back inside my big notebook, to be forgotten about for a few more months. So I will share it here that not only may I have more opportunity to reflect on and remember it, but so that you (whoever you are) may enjoy it as well.

If you are LDS, you already know about Brother Brigham. If you are not, I will tell you the basics-- he was the second prophet after Christ's church was restored to this Earth. He is famous for leading the Mormons from Nauvoo, IL to middle-of-nowhere Utah. He was a pivotal person in the movement of people to the West. When he and the Saints first arrived in the Salt Lake Valley in 1847, President Young declared, "this is the right place".

Life was hard in newly settled Utah, and some of the Saints wanted to journey out and find gold. What did Brigham tell them? (enter my awesome quote)

God has appointed this place for the gathering of his saints... Those who stop here and are faithful to God and his people will make more money and get richer than you that run after the god of this world.... We have been kicked out of the frying pan into the fire, out of the fire into the middle of the floor, and here we are and here we will stay. God has shown me that this is the spot to locate his people, and here is where they will prosper; he will temper the elements for the good of his Saints; he will rebuke the frost and the sterility of the soil, and the land shall become fruitful. Brethren, go to now, and plant out your fruit seeds. . . .

What does this mean to me? A lot. During the summer of 2010 I was praying about whether or not I should withdraw from BYU-Idaho and come home that fall. I fasted about it and went to the temple. On the way to the temple I passed by a fellow who was on the phone, reading his scriptures out loud. I heard him say, "go down into the valley which is northward". I was so astonished at this (for those of you who don't know, my home in Washington is in a valley-area... and WA is north of Idaho) that I turned around and asked the young man where he had been reading. He answered "Ether 1", the last two verses of which read

...thou shalt go at the head of them down into the valley which is northward. And there will I meet thee, and I will go before thee into a land which is choice above all the lands of the earth. And there will I bless thee and thy seed, and raise up unto me of thy seed, and of the seed of thy brother, and they who shall go with thee, a great nation. And there shall be none greater than the nation which I will raise up unto me of thy seed, upon all the face of the earth. And thus I will do unto thee because this long time ye have cried unto me.

Jesus Christ has a history of bringing his people away from their comfort zones into a land prepared for them. He led the Israelites out of bondage in Egypt; he led Lehi and his family out of Jerusalem before it was destroyed; and in the above scripture, He is preparing the prophet and his brother, Jared, to lead their families and friends to the promised land. He led Christopher Columbus to discover the Americas! Christ prepares a beautiful land for his people to prosper, multiply, raise children, and grow in freedom as they worship Him. Was not the United States a nation formed by the hand of God?

Our great Captain (or Pilot) does not reserve His hand for mass exoduses. Instead, I believe that He guides us each to our own promised land- sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. He literally led me back home to Washington and I believe "here [I am] and here [I] will stay" (for now... and except for my upcoming trip to Guyana ;) ). And what has He promised me if I am faithful to God, his people, and go to now and plant my seeds? He promises me that He will temper the elements for my good, He will rebuke the frost and sterility of the soil, and this land will become fruitful for me.

I know this is true and I know that this is what He is doing in my life now. I know that He is providing me rich opportunities now- right where I am in my life!-- to do and learn things to not only serve His children, but to also be prepared to be a mother to some of His sacred little ones who so desire to come to Earth and gain bodies. I'm excited (and a bit intimidated haha) to be a mother someday and I am grateful for the opportunities I am given now at my young age to build a foundation for not only my life, but for my future family and my children.

1. An account of the awesome life of Brigham Young is found here and here.
2. "Our Very Survival", a neat talk on prophets given by Elder Kevin R Duncan.
3. The speech, "These Noble Pioneers" (by the prophet Gordon B Hinckley) where this quote and the story surrounding it can be found in entirety.
4. "Christopher Columbus: Inspired Seaman". Written for children.

that's right. i'm a sage.

so the boy she likes happens to like her. he also happens to play city of heroes, which is the online RPG that my dad and step-brother recently got her into. so it's their day off of school and she's complaining that he won't stop texting her to get online and play with him and she keeps telling him that she can't get on the computer right now. so finally she told him that he needs to level up to play with her. he responded by asking when she'd be able to play.

my advice? text him back and say,

"if you don't stop texting me, you will never level up"

backwards superstition, hearts, and some other thoughts

As of today, it's been one year since Roo passed away.
It's hard to believe it. It seems ike it's been such a long time... and yet a year really is quite short. I am an age she will never be. I have done, and will continue to do things, she will never do.
Perhaps there is a goal in life to see how much of our hearts we can give away. What good does our own heart do the world if we keep it to ourselves? But if we give pieces of it to different people, then when we part ways, those people still carry a part of our hearts. We may feel a pain at that piece being carried far away, but it would be good to remember also that we ourselves recieve portions of other peoples' hearts in return... perhaps with those pieces we are given, we can reconstruct our own, so that our heart becomes a patchwork quilt of the lives we have touched and have been touched by.
That idea sounds good to me. It sounds somewhat romantic, and probably a bit silly. Nonetheless, I like it.
I do not hurt for Roo herself-- she is happy, I am sure-- but rather I hurt for the missing of her. For the time I have spent and will have to spend without her. She has a sizeable chunk of my heart. In return, however, she has nestled herself a tender spot in mine.
That is how it should be, I think. By the end of our lives, our hearts will reflect so much about us. The condition of our hearts will reflect the choices we've made. I think also, though, that how much of our hearts we have given away will be important. And we will hold very dearly (treasure) the pieces of other peoples' hearts given to us.
So, what do you call this day? An anniversary of death? But I recognize it to celebrate a life...
Last Friday was the 7th anniversary of Roo's bone marrow transplant. She recieved the transplant in June of the year 2000 on Friday the 13th. She did things her own way, and where Friday the 13th was concerned, she was superstitious backwards: she considered it a lucky day. That specific day was definately a special one, with a solid miracle.
I wanted to do something special on these days, to remember Roo by. Well, I had a Red Cross appointment today to start volunteering... does that count? Eh, I don't think so much. However, a week from this Friday I'll job shadow at Children's in the oncology ward. So it's not on the 13th or 18th- it's coming up, and I'm excited. I just hope I won't get emotional or anything. I did fine in the Ped's ICU... but then again, I didn't interact much with kids that reminded me of Roo. We'll see how it goes. And-- if I come home at the end of the day and bawl, that's just fine. Every once in a while, a good bawl is called for. I think it has something to do with the heart.

So, Roo... here are some thoughts for you. Thank you for being a sister to me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for your patience with me. Understanding, sympathy, and empathy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and most of all- your heart-, with me. Thank you for helping me to grow. And thank you for the mark you left on me which will be with me throughout the entire rest of my life. In this way, you are still in my life, and I in yours, I'm sure. I pray for you often, and think of you even more. I hope for your happiness, and for the happiness of those dear to you. You continue to be an amazing example to me, and a cherished friend.
God be with you till we meet again. :)
Love,
~Cassanndre

jumping into a rabbit hole and letting go of the wheel

"Question: how does a girl who falls- no, actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: she doesn't."

Okay, so, some things to get out of my mind...
Firstly, today's Sunday...
I've noticed a focus on integrity today in my lessons at church. It was good for me- refreshing; edifying; etc. One of those days when pretty much everything you hear seems to be directed directly at you (thank you God).
watched a movie that maybe i shouldn't have watched-- esp. on sunday
and yet it's making me think
because it's one of those that would be a pretty good ice cream... if it weren't for all the bugs in it.
i went on a walk with three of my bestest friends-- so fun.
almost... well, we won't go there, but someone did honk at me.... yikes.
I had a dream in which a Fish was telling me about 1 Peter chapter 1. So I read it. There's some good stuff there. Among other things, I learned that obedience (to our Heavenly Father) increases our ability to love. Awesome. I love the scriptures. And dreams. And dreamy guest stars...
So, there are things I'm wondering and would like to get straightened out in my mind... but I'm remembering the Guidance-- take it easy about those things for another month; focus on what really needs to be focused on right now, and then figure out those other things. Prepare yourself in the meantime.
And so, the questions, I will think about a bit, make my peace with for now, and work out the answers when the time is right.
Sounds like a plan, Stan. (Who is this "Stan" anyway?)
Okay, time to do bedtime (and pre-bedtime) stuff.... like dishes.
Tomorrow's a doctor's appointment. I want to swear off triptans.... we'll see what the doctor says.
It's time to say my prayers and go to sleep.
TTFN. :)

"You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."

"I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't."

(the qoutes are from that little black book movie; pictures are from google searches- gotta love google)

it's a wonderful life!

So, pretty much, I'm in a place where I'm happy with my life at the moment. Not to say that it's not difficult, because it is. There are a lot of things going on that I could very well stress out about-- which I have stressed out about, and even panicked about a time or two.
But overall, I am happy with my life because I know that I'm living it as my Father in Heaven would have me. There are soo many things up in the air (school, friends, health, etc) that I honestly have almost no idea how they'll turn out. I do, however, have the knowledge that I have the Spirit in my life. I have little promptings here and there which remind me that I am living how I should be living. Not perfectly-- definately not perfectly. But I'm dealing with my imperfections and I'm going through the life process of growing and maturing. I can see lessons I'm learning, and I understand that there are many ways I'm growing which I don't even recognize (and of course, many ways I have yet to grow). I might freak out from time to time; there might some trials that are especially difficult; but honestly, this process is nothing new. It's part of that wondrous Plan and I feel comforted in knowing that I am growing as my Father would have me do. Knowing this helps me to have the faith that everything will work out just fine in the end (and the eternal end, too!).

On a sidenote: conference was wonderful. I loved the talks and saw a couple themes there just for me. I took great notes, but not as anal retentively as normal, which left me thinking room for hearing what the Spirit had to tell me (and thus take note of that and not just what the speaker was talking of).
I also got to hold hands with a boy. (gasp!) That also helped to contribute to more conservative note-taking. But don't worry- I didn't let it get in the way of the really important things I had to take note of! (Sorry, I can't hold your hand right now because I need to write something down.... again.... like I did just a moment ago.... and will probably do again in another minute....)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some conference notes to read over and ponder on. (I didn't get the themes I noticed written down for the Sunday sessions like I did for the Saturday ones.) Then some scripture reading. I am making a go at Isaiah. Wish me luck. (I'm currently in the chapters that overlap with 2 Nephi and am thusly reading from there. So far it's not as bad--- tricky-- as I expected. :D) I also have some praying to do, because prayer is awesome.
Oh, that's another thing. You know what's absolutely awesome? When you don't have an answer for someone, being able to say, "I really really don't know! But guess what?! God does! Go ask Him!" I love that! It totally made my day yesterday, and I think it worked out for my Friend, too!

Okay, gute Nacht! Und haben Sie su"sse Trau"me! Schlafen Sie gut!

learning and growing experiences

A few things are bouncing about in my brain tonight. Firstly, is an idea I had while listening to FBI Agent O'Riley talk to us in FHE ("Family Home Evening"-- I've started attending the local singles' ward's FHE) about self defense. Secondly, are some lines from the hymn God Speed the Right. And lastly, some thoughts about peace.

So, first off-- Brother (I'm 95% confident he's Mormon) Agent O'Riley was talking about how adrenaline affects us in situations where we need to defend ourselves. He drilled into our heads the fact that there are inevitable physiological reactions to psychological experiences. Physiology and psychology go hand in. When someone comes after us with a knife, we naturally get kind of freaked out- that is a psychological reaction. Along with it, comes the adrenaline rush (physiological). Tunnel vision. Exaggerated gross motor skills, but poor fine motor skills (don't even try to play the flute when being attacked). And so on. He talked about using those physiological reactions to our advantage and not letting them take advantage of us. (Punching, kicking, and shoving an attacker however you can will be much easier than trying to contort their fingers or strategically land a ninja-style kick.)
Related this same statement he made, was the statement which I wrote down (in the little notebook that travels with me everywhere for just this purpose): We cannot control our physiological reaction, but we can (at least to an extent) control our psychological reactions. I found that piece of advice particularly applicable to me.
I cannot change that fact that when I get really anxious, I also get really nauseous. I can't change the fact that stress- whether it be actually "stressing out" or merely mental or physical exertion- results in a pronounced physiological response for me. I get migraines; I throw up; I become (easily) exhausted; I get sore all over; I can't think clearly; I end up doing nothing but staying at home.
These things I cannot change. That is just how my body and mind are wired togethor. Maybe, over time, that will change, but for now, that's my reality.
What I can do, however, is control (to a significant extent) the psychological triggers for these unpleasant physiological experiences. I can train myself to be more calm. I can manage time better. I can learn and then abide to my limits. I can change those limits by slowly adhering to and then pushing them ever so slightly, yet steadily. I can change the way I think, and thusly, I can change the way I physically feel.
I'm not saying that I can cure myself of my nausea, migraines, IBS.... by changing the way I think-- by changing my instincts-- but I can definately put myself in a much better position. Emotional and Spiritual health are much more important than physical health. Of course the three are related- tightly interwoven- but notice how if one were to take physical health out of the picture it is still possible to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. But a removal spiritual health results in a disintigration of emotional health (and vice versa) and often results in a decline in physical health as well.
Strengthening ourselves emotionally and spiritually gives us the power to deal with physical struggles.
Having the Spirit in our lives can do so much for us in so many different ways. Being spiritually healthy on occasion will cure ailments, but more importantly- it always provides strength to endure. I think, also, that it can help catalyze medical treatment. Let me explain.
Recently (in the past month or so) I have begun to feel better. It's amazing. I keep waiting for this upswing in my health to stop, but so far it hasn't. I still am sick much of the time. I still throw up. I still get migraines. But they affect me less. The migraines are less often and less severe. The nausea is still constant, but less noticeable (yes- thanks in large part to the lovely zofran). I have, overall, been able to do more (I'll post more about that sometime soon, I guess). I have been able to see people more often, stick to commitments, etc. etc. It's been amazing. I was trying to figure out last week or the week prior what might have triggered this change. Was it a change in medication? Diet? Exercise? Routine?.... Something had to trigger this change.
And then I figured it out.
I started feeling better (gradually yes, but still noticeably) right around the time I seriously committed myself to having the Spirit in my life more. In making my spiritual well-being a priority, I was blessed by an improvement in my physical (and emotional) health.
The "little things" (reading your scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping Christ in mind) really do make all the difference. They open the door for the Spirit, and allow us to be influenced and blessed by it. I am so grateful for this. I understand that my physical health will fluctuate, that's just the nature of what I have to endure, but my ability to cope- to deal-, with health problems will continue to improve; as will my happiness and peace.

Peace is very interesting. I have a tendency to freak out. I don't get panic attacks all that often any more, but my anxiety level is still higher than the "average" person's. I usually think of myself as having it under control, but lately, with all the things I've had to worry about, my anxiety levels have been a bit higher than my own average. I have even had a few panic attacks. Nonetheless, I have found that it is still possible to have peace. (I wrote about a particular experience here.) I realized after FHE (and commented on it to Excellent Friend) that I was feeling peaceful. Today has been up and down for me (feeling crappy, but then not too bad; worrying about school, but then having some things resolved; stressful things with family....), and I have a good amount of things that I could be worried about. It wouldn't be unexpected if I had a panic attack as a result. I was definately worrying about these things earlier today. But, once again, I found that Heavenly Father and our Savior- if I let them- can instill in me a sense of peace- a knowledge that everything will turn out alright, even if there appears to be no possible solution. With this peace, I am reassured. I am given the extra boost in faith and strength that I need to endure. The resolution, or Happy Ending, may not happen for quite awhile, but it will happen. That's what matters. And even though there are many reasons for me to "freak out", and even though it would be very reasonable for me to worry, in this moment I am able to be calm and assured.
I understand that this feeling will leave me. But I can find comfort in knowing that what that feeling testifies of will not change. If I get distracted from that feeling and start to freak out, it doesn't change the Truth. Everything will be alright. Christ will take care of me. All I need to do is live my life so that I am allowing Him to.
While talking about this to Excellent Friend, I realized something else about it. I need to actively seek after that feeling of peace more. Instead of waiting to be in a spiritual setting that gives me that peace, I need to adapt my life so that I am bringing that peace to it. I know that I can do this, and I know I'm on the right track to doing it. That's so nice to know. I also know that I will be happier and able to accomplish more and become better by bringing that peace into my life.

E. Friend had a tough evening, and I surprised myself when I sat down next to him by not questioning him about what was on his mind. Normally my curiosity gets the best of me and I try to get people to talk to me. I want to know what's wrong, and how I can help. Tonight I was thoroughly curious and concerned. But somehow, I managed to heed the prompting that I didn't need to ask him all about it. I have recently begun to be more patient. Slowly this new wisdom has been planting itself in my brain. People will tell me things when they're ready to. I just need to let them know I'm there to love them, and that I'm willing to listen IF and when they are ready to talk. If they don't talk to me about it (and I have made sure they understand that I am there for them whenever they need me) then obviously it doesn't need to be talked about to me. So for the most part, I have recently been more able to curb my curiosity. It's fascinating.

So, as I sat with my Friend, I decided that while I let him think, I would do some thinking myself. I prayed. I pondered. And I asked for help and guidance.
Randomly popping into my mind were lines from a hymn. Thankfully (since I could only remember the first two lines), a hymn book was right next to me and I was able to look up the song. God Speed the Right. Part of the second verse caught my attention.

Ne’er despairing, though defeated,
God speed the right.
Like the great and good in story,
If we fail, we fail with glory.

I'm going to be thinking about those lines for the next couple of days. I believe that it's possible to be defeated and yet not despair. To fail, but fail in glory. It is a very intriguing idea to me, because that perspective is not one that comes naturally to me. Man, and especially, I think, the American Culture, has this idea that winning is glory, and to loose, fail, or be defeated-- is awful. We must, at all costs, avoid failure. The idea that failure might not be that bad- that idea is so completely foreign. It is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around it. It just is not how I have been conditioned to think.
Ideas about this are beginning to come to my mind, but they need some serious thinking and time to develop enough for me to come to any conclusion. I want insight from other people.
So, dear readers (yes, that means you, Magnificent Friend; and...- do I have any other readers?), I'd like some feedback. How does it work? --How can we be defeated, and yet not despair? How can fail, yet fail with glory?
It's an intriguing notion. I think that understanding this concept might just be part of "[putting] off the natural man", and coming to see and understand life and everything else as God does.

Those are my thoughts for this evening. Good night, and I'll try to start posting regularly again.

the medicine of friendship

I woke up this morning thankfully sans migraine, but unfortunately not sans anything else. Nausea was there, but what I noticed most was the mental and physical feeling of pure fatigue. My muscles felt more than just tired or sore. I felt as if my body were missing some substance which kept it from wilting, for I felt as if I were, indeed wilting.
I'm pretty certain that I've been struggling a bit with my depression. I'm glad I recognize it. I think the fatigue can be blamed partly on some depression. I've had a growing disinterest, or apathy, for things which I normally have a high amount of energy and concern for.
I think I might be trying so hard to not stress out about school that I have become a bit apathetic towards it. Towards my future. Towards my religion. My music. I have even begun to feel apathy towards my friends from time to time. It might be because it's easier to be apathetic than it is to worry overmuch.
But I digress-- I was not feeling well today. Physically I was exhausted, mentally I was foggy at best, and emotionally I was depressed. I felt that feeling of hopelessness weighing on me, even as I dared to hope for little things.
Usually I hope for comfort and company. I miss my friends a great deal.
I played some solitaire (spider- the best kind), hoping to distract myself. I practiced my flute- hoping that playing would get some emotion out, and release the pressure pent up inside my chest. I was texting a friend, trying to figure out when I'd get to see him next. I felt as if I were in a fog of apathetic depression (or would it be depressed apathy??).
Such was my state when the lovely Christine called. Just to say hi. She had plans for the evening with a friend of ours, and I found myself interested... I wanted to see them both. I didn't care so much what we were doing, but the thought of their company thrilled me. I think I may very well have been craving the interaction.
I got ready quickly and was picked up, and off we went. The evening didn't go as I thought it might have-- we did (and didn't do) things I hadn't expected. It didn't matter though. There was conversation- both silly and serious, inane and meaningful. My brain clicked on. By the time I got home (at least a couple hours later than anticipated), my mind felt so much clearer, and my heart so much lighter.
The evening wasn't easy. We did a lot, and talked a lot.
And yet, I came home happy. With a hope in my heart that I may just be able to do things again. That I may be able to live again.
It was good to get out of the house.
It was great to be in the company of dear friends.
It is wonderful to feel rejuvenated.

I am Jane Bennett...

... at least sometimes.
Jane was thought indifferent to Bingley because she wasn't overly demonstrative of her affections for him.
Do people think me, at times, indifferent because I am not overly demonstrative?
I think that may very well be a possibility. I can be very conservative with my affections. Why is that? Is it caution? Fear? Out of propriety? Shyness? Or is it simply inexperience or insecurity?
What would happen if I amde an effort to be more demonstrative of my affections for those daer to me? Would it frighten or unsettle them? Or would it merely endear me to them, and them to me all the more.
I'm willing to give it a try.

he's a keeper

Laurie Edwards over at A Chronic Dose said the following in a recent post on Gratitude:

...I am especially grateful for a husband who anticipates my needs better than I do, who can tell by the tone of my voice how much air I am moving, and who brings the world to my doorstep when he knows I’m feeling isolated by illness.

The whole post was great, but that, especially, I thought was cool.

Having been in Young Womens' at church for 6 years now, I have given much thought to my "future eternal companion" (cue cheesy music). Both at the encouragement of leaders and of my own volition, I have made numerous lists over the years about the qualities I want in my future hubby. The earlier lists had a few more silly (or rather- irrelevant in the grand scheme of things) characteristics than the later ones. Overall they tend to go something like this:

-active in the church
-strong testimony
-temple worthy/can take me to the temple
-holds the priesthood
-will be a good father
-loves me
-respects me
-gets along w/ my family
...

...and so on.

What Laurie said about her husband... that struck me. He watches her closely. Knows her well. Loves her so deeply that he concerns himself with not just her needs, but her comforts.
That is the sort of love I want to have with my husband.
And I think I would be justified in not accepting anything less.

The bit about illness, "...[he] brings the world to my doorstep when he knows I’m feeling isolated by illness" I could identify with as well. I hope that by the time I am married, my health will be stabilized and the isolation that has come with my chronic illness will be resolved and no longer a worry.
But in the back of my head, I hear a whisper that I may find myself facing it more than once in life. If it winds up being the case that my health is stupid for longer than expected, then it will take a very special guy to be able to deal with that with me. He will have to be understanding- or be willing to learn-, and patient. Long-suffering, even. It would be a burden on him. One I hope he won't have to deal with, but he'd have to be willing to take it on if needed.
But wow... someone who would "[bring] the world to my doorstep when he knows I'm feeling isolated by illness"... that would be lovely indeed. He'd be a keeper.

...worth it...

I wish I could put something insightful here. I feel like writing. I just don't know what to write about- while still having it mean something.
I've been thinking about "the future". 1) Where I'm going for school next year- tho I will probably stay home and finish off my AA. 2) If I will still be sick or not, and if (at least mostly) not, 3) Where I will work. I've been thinking I'd like to get trained as a CNA and find some sort of job as one (hopefully not in a nursing home- those places just kinda give me the heebie-jeebies), but I just recently started thinking about being a paraeducater. I think I would like being a para-ed, since that's almost what I was when I volunteered a lot in the spec. ed department last year. I have over 200 hours volunteering there, I think, and the teachers love me, so I think it wouldn't be too difficult to get a job as a para-ed for spec. ed at the local school district. Getting trained as an EMT is also an idea- one my step-dad finds particularly good (partly because he's currently being trained as one for his work in emergency management). I would like, possibly even love it. It would be great. However, getting trained to be an EMT is a lot more intensive and expensive than CNA training and passing the para-ed test combined. It would be great, but might be worth it putting off until I wouldn't have to worry so much about the cost.
We'll see how it all turns out. Heavenly Father will take care of me. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and also that trials are for my benefit. I can learn a lot from being sick, so I'd better take advantage of the opportunity. I guess that's the idea, for me, behind blogging. Sorting out what's going, what I think and feel about it, and- most importantly- what I can learn from it.
There are a lot of things I could complain about, but in the long run, complaining won't get me anywhere. That pretty much means I can't justify complaining. Dangit. (I'll probably still try and get away with it, though.)
So, what have I learned so far?
A good deal about health care, medicine, and my own body. I've learned what it's like to have people doubt your intentions. I've seen how wonderfully kind/compassionate/caring people can be, and thusly had wonderful experiences that I really wouldn't trade for anything. I've come to understand, at least a bit, how scary it is to be isolated from one's community. I'm learning how to take things as they come; to not try and micromanage every aspect of my life; to trust that Father has a plan for me. I'm learning about how to rely on other people for some things, and from that I hope to learn how to be reliable for others. I'm learning compassion and empathy. I've learned what it's like to have hopes dashed, plans changed. I'm learning a new system to evaluate a person's "worth". I'm learning to value the moment, and milk it for all I can- especially if it's a moment when I feel (comparatively) well. I'm learning how to be a realist, while still maintaining optimism. I'm learning how to smile when I feel like crap.
I'll come out of this a better person. The time that I can't serve or help others now will be more than made up for when I am well again and can use my new arsenal of knowledge to help people in ways I couldn't have without that "wealth of wisdom". Remembering that helps me, especially when I start to beat myself up about the things I'm not doing (can't do).
I just have to remember the thing that matters most about being sick- if this experience enables me to help/serve even one person, it will be worth it.

here nor there? be here

Someone else to add to my gratitude list. This Friend is one of those people who drops me messages here and there, usually when I need them the most.
Friend just told me (via internet) to "lemme know how I can help you!". I began a reply and a couple paragraphs into it, realized it was going to be a bit long, but I liked where I was going, so decided to continue and that I would post it here when I was done. Here it is:

and... Thank you! It gets sucky when I have to spend more time at home, and then passing sucky when people doubt (the severity of) my illness, and thereby question my character. ([Friend] mentioned to me that "people are starting to talk"... that was pleasant (sarcasm), and somewhat diminished my looking-forward to seminary, and I miss that place!!)
I guess what it is is that some days, especially those when I feel above averagely unwell and miss out on things, I just feel like I'm becoming isolated from people that live even just 5 minutes away from me. I've gone from seeing most of the people I care about almost every day- even multiple times a day- to once or twice a week, if I'm feeling up to it. At a time when emotional support and connection with my friends is most needed, it had become the hardest to get. My parents are really stressed out, and so [Step-Dad] isn't always able to be as understanding as I would like him to be, and my Mom doesn't always have the energy to help me out when I'm scared, stressed, or just sick.
I've been slacking on the "basics"- things like scriptures and prayer- when I need to be devoting more time to them. I know there is a lot of strength to be gained from them, but sometimes I'm just too tired to get up the motivation for it. I think I do well at having heartfelt prayers, but I need to have them more than just once a day, and to give more time to them. Gospel study is especially important, especially with me not being able to go to seminary or institute most of the time- I have a deficit to make up for.
I remember talking to someone my freshman or early-sophmore year, (I can't recall who it was) and saying something to the effect that if I were ever to get sick, my friends wouldn't let me get isolated. I had somewhat of an idealistic image of people rallying around me, and going out of their way to be supportive.
I don't doubt in my friends' ability to do this, nor do I doubt their good intentions and love, but I must realize that my previous idea was unrealistic. I have to alter that idea- if I were to have a severe, acute problem (such as might land me in the hospital), I am confident that my friends and community (I speak of the church and family community- which are pretty much the same thing) would rally around me and my family and be amazingly supportive, helpful, and well-intentioned. I have seen them do such before for other people.
It's different, however, when one descends slowly into bad health. There is no message that makes its way around the community- "So-and-so is not doing well and needs some extra love!" There is no sudden resection from all facets of life. The resection is gradual, and by the time people realize what has happened, they have become accustomed to it. There is no internal burn to go aid the person, to reach out. With a chronic illness, the aid is continually needed, and people- despite their best intentions and truly good natures- burn out, get lazy, busy, or simply distracted.
The world moves on- rapidly, radically, constantly- as the chronic illness sufferer fights the pull of isolation. The threads that tie one to society begin fray, sometimes even snapping, and the person can be left more and more isolated as the world moves more and more forward.
I know there is a way to fight this impending isolation, but I'm not sure what it is. Sometimes I even doubt that I would even have the energy to fight. It's tempting to just sit back and let the threads snap.
Despite this, I have decided to not give in to the loneliness. I will pick the threads that matter most- my God, my family, my dear friends, and my future- and devote my energy to maintaining and strengthening those. Let the other, lesser threads to the world, to life, fray and snap. I may yearn- and even cry- for them, but I can survive- happily even- without them.
You want to know how you can help? What would mean the most to me would be helping me to not become isolated. I am afraid of it. I am afraid that it will happen, and I may not even be able to stop it. Call me when you're thinking of me. Invite me to do things- even if you know I probably can't. Keep me updated and informed on the things I miss. Drop me an email, or a message on facebook. Read my blog and leave a comment. Take pictures for me. Stick up for me. Stop by randomly- just to say hi and maybe even hang out. You're always welcome, and will always be recieved with gratitude (just don't have very high expectations on the state of the house ;D). Advise me, counsel me, listen to me, love me. Most of all- don't just "be there" for me, because I can't always be wherever "there" is. Please- be HERE for me.

Who'da thunk it?

Is it possible that, when it comes to relationships with guys, I err strongly on the side of caution? I have always told myself that I would be really careful when I started to date someone. I wouldn't get seriously involved in a really short amount of time. I wouldn't commit myself to someone without careful consideration, discussion, prayer, and most likely even fasting. I would be sure to know a guy really well and that he really was "Mr. Right" before marrying him. All of this because of how prevalant divorce is in the world, and especially because of how prevalant it is in my family.
I guess what I need to recognize is that not everyone thinks like that. And they may not even be wrong.