to my future children

I watched a blog video clip from this strong woman (go to her blog, and if you can donate, please do).  It was from the beginning of the year and I just closed out of the page and it would take me awhile to find it again, and it was even on a different blog of hers.  Anyways, in her video clip, the woman speaks to her future children about her anorexia.  She talks about how she loves her anorexia (she talks about this a lot in her blog, too), but how she loves them more, and she wants to beat the anorexia so she can give birth to them and be a good mother to them.  This touched me, and I just felt I had to share my feelings about it.  I pray that I will say what needs to be said, and know to leave out what is not appropriate or kosher to share with the entire web.
Most of my friends and family know I was in love and engaged 2 years ago.  I'm not really shy about sharing this- just as, once asked, I'm not really shy about sharing most things in my life (or mind).  Ironic, considering I was so shy, I used to hide behind my dad's leg when I was little.  Anyways, during my engagement- particularly the beginning (while, imo, it was still pretty healthy and right)- I felt very close to God.  And I felt very close to angels.  And I loved my children.  Not that I have any yet, but I knew I would.  And I felt so close to them.  When we broke up, I felt like I lost them, and in some ways, that was even harder than breaking up.  Because I already loved them.  Somehow, loving them helped me get through that difficult, insane, confusing, upside-down, life-spinning-out-of-control time of my life.
Fast forward to today.  I feel sane, and happy.  Sometimes I really miss feeling close to my children.  I like who I am.  I honestly continue to struggle with being happy with where I am in life (my mind tells me, do more, be more), but I know God loves me, and frankly, I love me, too.  And lately I've had a lot of people tell me they love me, too.  It's weird and often unexpected, but I totally appreciate it.
Anyways...

To my future children
I don't know who you are yet, but I love you.  I don't have a family or a home for you yet (kinda need a husband for that), but I'm excited to have you come.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Thank you for being the wonderful spirits you are.  Loving you motivates me to do hard things.  I hope I can live healthily, so I can teach you how to be healthy.  I hope I live close to Christ so I can teach you to expect His influence in your lives daily.  I hope, despite my weaknesses,  that you never question my commitment to the Kingdom of God.  I hope you always know I love you.  I hope I can teach you what it means to be emotionally healthy- just as my mother, and her mother, have taught me.  I hope you love Heavenly Father, never doubt your divinity, and trust in His Plan.  And lastly, I hope you know how grateful I am for you.


Thank you, Camilla, The Night Baker, for sharing your story.