fear not

"One of the biggest challenges about bringing down old barriers is that sometimes old weaknesses return that you thought were long gone. But now instead of burying them, you have to learn to either live with them or control them, so that they don't control you and who you are or want to be!"  -Brian Hanks

Thank you for sharing that thought, sir.  It's quite apropo for me right now.  I don't really have much to add to it, 'cuz he pretty much summed it up.  But I wanted to do something so I'd remember it, so here I am, posting on the blog.

I was reading in Luke yesterday.  In Luke 8 there are a few notable stories.  For the past few years I've been inspired by the story of the woman with an issue of blood.  She'd spent all the money she had on doctors, and not a one had been able to heal her.  She believed that if she just touched the hem of Christ's garment she would be healed.  So she did, and she was.  Despite the throng of people pressing around Him, Christ felt it because, as He says, He felt virtue go out of him.  He asked and asked who it was who had touched him, and she finally came forward.  He said, "Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace."  I love that story, because it inspires me to get nearer to Christ so I may be healed.

In the following versus is a related message about healing.  Right before He healed the woman with an issue of blood, a man named Jairus had come to him, asking him to please come to his house and heal his 12 year old daughter, who was dying.  Jesus was delayed by the crowd which surrounded him, and someone from Jairus' house came saying the girl had died.  Christ said, "fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole."  There's a little more to this story, which I'll let you read for yourself, but the end results (spoiler alert!!) is that the little girl is healed and lives.  What I love is the simple instructions Christ gives us.

Fear not:  believe only, and [you] shall be  made whole

How simple, yet wonderful, is that command.  It gives me hope.  I know I will be healed from my migraines someday, it just takes time.  And frankly, to be honest, I am already being healed of them.  It's just a process.  For some reason, it's best for me to not be healed all at once, but by degrees.

One of my doctors at work the other day was asking about my migraines, how bad they used to be, what I tried, how they are now, etc etc.  I told him of how I barely passed high school, and for the year afterwards couldn't work or go to school for the severity of them.  I finally figured out a few triggers, which made it better, but not enough that I felt comfortable going back to school or working.  But then there came a time when I just felt it was right to go back to school (this was almost 4 years ago), despite the fact that my migraines were still pretty bad.  I didn't go into any detail, but I told him clearly that I can't think of anything I tried that made them better and made it so I was able to be successful in my classes when I went back.  I simply prayed and had faith, and they got better- not all the way better, but enough so that I could go for two semesters with at not quite but almost full time.  It was nice to share that simple and brief testimony as I answered his questions.

The past 2-3 weeks my migraines have been worse, I think because the Botox has worn off.  That's okay.  It just gives me more hope for when I get my next round of Botox (I'm hoping for late March).  I'm still eating more sugar than I should, but it's a lot less than I was previously- so that's good.  I did yoga 3 times last week- go me! I felt like I was going to die because it's hot yoga and I wasn't used to it, etc etc.  But it's getting better.  I've only done it once so far this week, but I'll get in one or two more sessions before the week is out.

Since realizing a couple weeks ago the miracle that I've held a full-time job for over 9 months now, I've felt repeatedly grateful for that.  The last time I did something full time for over 9 months was... about 6 years ago.  Maybe 7, actually.  (It's a marvel to me that it's been so long since I first got sick.)  Looking at things from that perspective, it's easier to not feel so bad about not having a degree yet.  Doing something full-time for 9 months for the first time in 6 or 7 years-- that is a HUGE step!!  HUGE!  As in, humungous, monumental, magnificent, fantastic.... I'll run out of adjectives long before I run out of excitement.  I am learning to choose to appreciate this for what it is-- a huge step, a big deal; and a sign that Christ not only loves me, but is active in my life- guiding me and healing me.

So, fear not.  Believe.  You will be made whole.  It just might take awhile, and that's okay.

sometimes i like to drive in circles...

Usually, I end up driving in circles because I've gotten lost. I'm proud to say, however, that since I've gotten lost so many times, I actually have a decent sense of direction now (if not a decent sense of distance). So yesterday I was scheduled to work, but had to get there a few hours early to take care of something. I had a couple hours to chill before my shift started and so went to Fred Meyer, and then decided to take a different way back to the hospital. Now, Fred Meyer is relatively close to Swedish Hospital (the red SH on the map above), but somehow I went further than i expected, took the really really long way back. I was pretty chill for the first 10-20 minutes- it was an adventure, after all! In the back of my brain I had a sense of where the hospital was relative to me, but I was on this road that just didn't end! And it had nothing come off of it except private driveways. Eventually I found myself in Fall City (thinking, wow, that's an actual city? i thought it was just part of a street name...), and saw a sign saying I-90 this way. That was good, because I knew I-90 would take me back to the hospital. Now, for those of you who don't know, Fall City on this map is on the upper R hand corner, where my blue line lies near hwy 202. Here I am thinking that I-90 is just around the corner. It's a windy road, so I spent the next 15 minutes thinking maybe I-90 is right around the next corner. It wasn't. However, I did see a number of places I'd either like to hike, camp, or take pictures (somewhere along Preston-Fall City Rd there is what appears to be an abandoned mine... oh boy- how picturesque!). So, nice drive, but it was getting late and I'd been driving for 30 minutes and had 45 till work started. I was just about to turn back, when finally I started seeing more houses and less trees. I found I-90 about 5 minutes later, and hopped on it going west (because I had a vague sense that Preston and Fall City are east of Issaquah... I'm rather glad I had this sense, because without I may well be in Spokane by now), and found my way back to work. Yay!
And then I looked up on google the route I took and laughed, because I totally went in a big circle.

What life lessons can we learn here?
Keep going... I-90 is right around the next curve! Well, there's actually a few curves to go around first...

me, as of late

Well, as you can probably tell by the time of this post, I have had some trouble sleeping lately. Actually, you could just as easily think that I woke up early, and that would be true.... sort of. I woke up really early. I was doing pretty well at that during summer quarter, but then there was that 3 week period or so between the end of school and the beginning of my job with the school district. I'm pretty sure that wrecked my nice new habit. [note, i began this at about 5:30am... then finally fell back asleep for awhile, then went out and took some pictures. thus why it wasn't submitted at the early time i was talking about. just in case you actually checked the time down at the bottom here and wondered...]

anyways...

First we'll cover the latest on Guyana. (If you don't know what I'm talking about when I say Guyana, please go here.) My fundraising page is up! I'm almost halfway to the $2500 I need to raise! (The fundraising page only says 2,000 but I think that might be because they took my deductible out of the total or something.) I'm amazed at how quickly people have offered their support and how generous so many people have been (whether they have a lot of money or a little). We've still got a little ways to go, but I'm not worried. I truly believe this is what Heavenly Father wants me to be doing right now and I know the the opportunity has come straight from Him. Since this is the case, I am not very worried about it working out. I think of 1 Nephi 3:7~

"I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing he hath commanded them."

I also like the words from the Children's Primary song about Nephi:

"The Lord commanded Nephi to go and build a boat.

Nephi's older brothers said it would not float.

Laughing and mocking they said he should not try.

Nephi was courageous and this was his reply:

I will go, I will do

the things the Lord commands

I know the Lord provides a way

He wants me to obey."

So I finally took the leap and decided to try hot yoga. I LOVE it. Every time I do it I like it even more. The heat/yoga combination is particularly helpful for my angry, trigger-point-filled muscles in my neck, shoulders, and upper back (they are large contributers to my headahces & migraines). Hot yoga helps the muscles to loosen up and calm down enough so that I can work out the knots and also strengthen my muscles without freaking them out and making it worse. It feels sooo good!

Also on the healthfront, I have a deviated septum with a dust mite allergy resulting in chronic allergic rhinits.... an ongoing sinus infection. The amazing doctor of magic, Dr McBride, has done an awesome job of diagnosing and treating me. But because of my pretty marked deviated septum (my left nostril is half as big as my right), we can't cure the sinus infection completely without my getting a septoplasty... a surgical procedure where they fix my deviated septum... aka a "nose job". Because of the trigeminal nerve which hangs out around your sinuses, your forehead, and your jaw, there's a possibility that my headaches are caused by sinus/nasal problems. I am, in the words of a wise YSA Relief Society President, "cautiously optimistic". I am hoping to have the nose surgery before the end of this year, but that'll depend on my doctor and my insurance.

And... the sun is beautiful this morning! With beautiful fog! I just went out took some pictures. I am uploading them now :)

backwards superstition, hearts, and some other thoughts

As of today, it's been one year since Roo passed away.
It's hard to believe it. It seems ike it's been such a long time... and yet a year really is quite short. I am an age she will never be. I have done, and will continue to do things, she will never do.
Perhaps there is a goal in life to see how much of our hearts we can give away. What good does our own heart do the world if we keep it to ourselves? But if we give pieces of it to different people, then when we part ways, those people still carry a part of our hearts. We may feel a pain at that piece being carried far away, but it would be good to remember also that we ourselves recieve portions of other peoples' hearts in return... perhaps with those pieces we are given, we can reconstruct our own, so that our heart becomes a patchwork quilt of the lives we have touched and have been touched by.
That idea sounds good to me. It sounds somewhat romantic, and probably a bit silly. Nonetheless, I like it.
I do not hurt for Roo herself-- she is happy, I am sure-- but rather I hurt for the missing of her. For the time I have spent and will have to spend without her. She has a sizeable chunk of my heart. In return, however, she has nestled herself a tender spot in mine.
That is how it should be, I think. By the end of our lives, our hearts will reflect so much about us. The condition of our hearts will reflect the choices we've made. I think also, though, that how much of our hearts we have given away will be important. And we will hold very dearly (treasure) the pieces of other peoples' hearts given to us.
So, what do you call this day? An anniversary of death? But I recognize it to celebrate a life...
Last Friday was the 7th anniversary of Roo's bone marrow transplant. She recieved the transplant in June of the year 2000 on Friday the 13th. She did things her own way, and where Friday the 13th was concerned, she was superstitious backwards: she considered it a lucky day. That specific day was definately a special one, with a solid miracle.
I wanted to do something special on these days, to remember Roo by. Well, I had a Red Cross appointment today to start volunteering... does that count? Eh, I don't think so much. However, a week from this Friday I'll job shadow at Children's in the oncology ward. So it's not on the 13th or 18th- it's coming up, and I'm excited. I just hope I won't get emotional or anything. I did fine in the Ped's ICU... but then again, I didn't interact much with kids that reminded me of Roo. We'll see how it goes. And-- if I come home at the end of the day and bawl, that's just fine. Every once in a while, a good bawl is called for. I think it has something to do with the heart.

So, Roo... here are some thoughts for you. Thank you for being a sister to me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for your patience with me. Understanding, sympathy, and empathy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and most of all- your heart-, with me. Thank you for helping me to grow. And thank you for the mark you left on me which will be with me throughout the entire rest of my life. In this way, you are still in my life, and I in yours, I'm sure. I pray for you often, and think of you even more. I hope for your happiness, and for the happiness of those dear to you. You continue to be an amazing example to me, and a cherished friend.
God be with you till we meet again. :)
Love,
~Cassanndre

jumping into a rabbit hole and letting go of the wheel

"Question: how does a girl who falls- no, actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: she doesn't."

Okay, so, some things to get out of my mind...
Firstly, today's Sunday...
I've noticed a focus on integrity today in my lessons at church. It was good for me- refreshing; edifying; etc. One of those days when pretty much everything you hear seems to be directed directly at you (thank you God).
watched a movie that maybe i shouldn't have watched-- esp. on sunday
and yet it's making me think
because it's one of those that would be a pretty good ice cream... if it weren't for all the bugs in it.
i went on a walk with three of my bestest friends-- so fun.
almost... well, we won't go there, but someone did honk at me.... yikes.
I had a dream in which a Fish was telling me about 1 Peter chapter 1. So I read it. There's some good stuff there. Among other things, I learned that obedience (to our Heavenly Father) increases our ability to love. Awesome. I love the scriptures. And dreams. And dreamy guest stars...
So, there are things I'm wondering and would like to get straightened out in my mind... but I'm remembering the Guidance-- take it easy about those things for another month; focus on what really needs to be focused on right now, and then figure out those other things. Prepare yourself in the meantime.
And so, the questions, I will think about a bit, make my peace with for now, and work out the answers when the time is right.
Sounds like a plan, Stan. (Who is this "Stan" anyway?)
Okay, time to do bedtime (and pre-bedtime) stuff.... like dishes.
Tomorrow's a doctor's appointment. I want to swear off triptans.... we'll see what the doctor says.
It's time to say my prayers and go to sleep.
TTFN. :)

"You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."

"I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't."

(the qoutes are from that little black book movie; pictures are from google searches- gotta love google)

learning and growing experiences

A few things are bouncing about in my brain tonight. Firstly, is an idea I had while listening to FBI Agent O'Riley talk to us in FHE ("Family Home Evening"-- I've started attending the local singles' ward's FHE) about self defense. Secondly, are some lines from the hymn God Speed the Right. And lastly, some thoughts about peace.

So, first off-- Brother (I'm 95% confident he's Mormon) Agent O'Riley was talking about how adrenaline affects us in situations where we need to defend ourselves. He drilled into our heads the fact that there are inevitable physiological reactions to psychological experiences. Physiology and psychology go hand in. When someone comes after us with a knife, we naturally get kind of freaked out- that is a psychological reaction. Along with it, comes the adrenaline rush (physiological). Tunnel vision. Exaggerated gross motor skills, but poor fine motor skills (don't even try to play the flute when being attacked). And so on. He talked about using those physiological reactions to our advantage and not letting them take advantage of us. (Punching, kicking, and shoving an attacker however you can will be much easier than trying to contort their fingers or strategically land a ninja-style kick.)
Related this same statement he made, was the statement which I wrote down (in the little notebook that travels with me everywhere for just this purpose): We cannot control our physiological reaction, but we can (at least to an extent) control our psychological reactions. I found that piece of advice particularly applicable to me.
I cannot change that fact that when I get really anxious, I also get really nauseous. I can't change the fact that stress- whether it be actually "stressing out" or merely mental or physical exertion- results in a pronounced physiological response for me. I get migraines; I throw up; I become (easily) exhausted; I get sore all over; I can't think clearly; I end up doing nothing but staying at home.
These things I cannot change. That is just how my body and mind are wired togethor. Maybe, over time, that will change, but for now, that's my reality.
What I can do, however, is control (to a significant extent) the psychological triggers for these unpleasant physiological experiences. I can train myself to be more calm. I can manage time better. I can learn and then abide to my limits. I can change those limits by slowly adhering to and then pushing them ever so slightly, yet steadily. I can change the way I think, and thusly, I can change the way I physically feel.
I'm not saying that I can cure myself of my nausea, migraines, IBS.... by changing the way I think-- by changing my instincts-- but I can definately put myself in a much better position. Emotional and Spiritual health are much more important than physical health. Of course the three are related- tightly interwoven- but notice how if one were to take physical health out of the picture it is still possible to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. But a removal spiritual health results in a disintigration of emotional health (and vice versa) and often results in a decline in physical health as well.
Strengthening ourselves emotionally and spiritually gives us the power to deal with physical struggles.
Having the Spirit in our lives can do so much for us in so many different ways. Being spiritually healthy on occasion will cure ailments, but more importantly- it always provides strength to endure. I think, also, that it can help catalyze medical treatment. Let me explain.
Recently (in the past month or so) I have begun to feel better. It's amazing. I keep waiting for this upswing in my health to stop, but so far it hasn't. I still am sick much of the time. I still throw up. I still get migraines. But they affect me less. The migraines are less often and less severe. The nausea is still constant, but less noticeable (yes- thanks in large part to the lovely zofran). I have, overall, been able to do more (I'll post more about that sometime soon, I guess). I have been able to see people more often, stick to commitments, etc. etc. It's been amazing. I was trying to figure out last week or the week prior what might have triggered this change. Was it a change in medication? Diet? Exercise? Routine?.... Something had to trigger this change.
And then I figured it out.
I started feeling better (gradually yes, but still noticeably) right around the time I seriously committed myself to having the Spirit in my life more. In making my spiritual well-being a priority, I was blessed by an improvement in my physical (and emotional) health.
The "little things" (reading your scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping Christ in mind) really do make all the difference. They open the door for the Spirit, and allow us to be influenced and blessed by it. I am so grateful for this. I understand that my physical health will fluctuate, that's just the nature of what I have to endure, but my ability to cope- to deal-, with health problems will continue to improve; as will my happiness and peace.

Peace is very interesting. I have a tendency to freak out. I don't get panic attacks all that often any more, but my anxiety level is still higher than the "average" person's. I usually think of myself as having it under control, but lately, with all the things I've had to worry about, my anxiety levels have been a bit higher than my own average. I have even had a few panic attacks. Nonetheless, I have found that it is still possible to have peace. (I wrote about a particular experience here.) I realized after FHE (and commented on it to Excellent Friend) that I was feeling peaceful. Today has been up and down for me (feeling crappy, but then not too bad; worrying about school, but then having some things resolved; stressful things with family....), and I have a good amount of things that I could be worried about. It wouldn't be unexpected if I had a panic attack as a result. I was definately worrying about these things earlier today. But, once again, I found that Heavenly Father and our Savior- if I let them- can instill in me a sense of peace- a knowledge that everything will turn out alright, even if there appears to be no possible solution. With this peace, I am reassured. I am given the extra boost in faith and strength that I need to endure. The resolution, or Happy Ending, may not happen for quite awhile, but it will happen. That's what matters. And even though there are many reasons for me to "freak out", and even though it would be very reasonable for me to worry, in this moment I am able to be calm and assured.
I understand that this feeling will leave me. But I can find comfort in knowing that what that feeling testifies of will not change. If I get distracted from that feeling and start to freak out, it doesn't change the Truth. Everything will be alright. Christ will take care of me. All I need to do is live my life so that I am allowing Him to.
While talking about this to Excellent Friend, I realized something else about it. I need to actively seek after that feeling of peace more. Instead of waiting to be in a spiritual setting that gives me that peace, I need to adapt my life so that I am bringing that peace to it. I know that I can do this, and I know I'm on the right track to doing it. That's so nice to know. I also know that I will be happier and able to accomplish more and become better by bringing that peace into my life.

E. Friend had a tough evening, and I surprised myself when I sat down next to him by not questioning him about what was on his mind. Normally my curiosity gets the best of me and I try to get people to talk to me. I want to know what's wrong, and how I can help. Tonight I was thoroughly curious and concerned. But somehow, I managed to heed the prompting that I didn't need to ask him all about it. I have recently begun to be more patient. Slowly this new wisdom has been planting itself in my brain. People will tell me things when they're ready to. I just need to let them know I'm there to love them, and that I'm willing to listen IF and when they are ready to talk. If they don't talk to me about it (and I have made sure they understand that I am there for them whenever they need me) then obviously it doesn't need to be talked about to me. So for the most part, I have recently been more able to curb my curiosity. It's fascinating.

So, as I sat with my Friend, I decided that while I let him think, I would do some thinking myself. I prayed. I pondered. And I asked for help and guidance.
Randomly popping into my mind were lines from a hymn. Thankfully (since I could only remember the first two lines), a hymn book was right next to me and I was able to look up the song. God Speed the Right. Part of the second verse caught my attention.

Ne’er despairing, though defeated,
God speed the right.
Like the great and good in story,
If we fail, we fail with glory.

I'm going to be thinking about those lines for the next couple of days. I believe that it's possible to be defeated and yet not despair. To fail, but fail in glory. It is a very intriguing idea to me, because that perspective is not one that comes naturally to me. Man, and especially, I think, the American Culture, has this idea that winning is glory, and to loose, fail, or be defeated-- is awful. We must, at all costs, avoid failure. The idea that failure might not be that bad- that idea is so completely foreign. It is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around it. It just is not how I have been conditioned to think.
Ideas about this are beginning to come to my mind, but they need some serious thinking and time to develop enough for me to come to any conclusion. I want insight from other people.
So, dear readers (yes, that means you, Magnificent Friend; and...- do I have any other readers?), I'd like some feedback. How does it work? --How can we be defeated, and yet not despair? How can fail, yet fail with glory?
It's an intriguing notion. I think that understanding this concept might just be part of "[putting] off the natural man", and coming to see and understand life and everything else as God does.

Those are my thoughts for this evening. Good night, and I'll try to start posting regularly again.

this feeling is peace

There's a lot to be grateful for. On my mind at the moment are xenox, my parents, peace(think this song), and eternal truths.

This morning I struggled. I knew I needed to feel the Spirit. I needed the guidance and comfort. I was feeling anxious, and just couldn't shake the feeling. Anxiety has a way of clouding one's mind. It keeps out comfort, guidance, enlightenment- all things that would offer peace. I took my mom up on her offer to take a xenox- not something I do regularly, mind you, but I believe I was having a bit of a panic attack, and in the interest of getting the anxiety enough out of the way for me to be able to accept the peace that Heavenly Father can give, I decided it was worth it.
Church is wonderful. The atmosphere, people, and sense of community are a part of that, but even more- the gospel truths being taught at church are wonderful. The guidance and comfort that can be obtained there are nothing short of amazing. I absolutely love how it causes me to refocus on the important things, and, more specifically, on truths.
Eternal truths are another amazing thing. To think that behind the endless expanse that is the universe, there exist orders and laws that govern not only the motion of the planets, but provide a means to pure and eternal happiness- what joy! What sweet and wonderful, blissful joy.
Just as breathtaking is the fact that we, dust of the Earth that we are, can know and reap the blessings of these truths. Our loving Father in Heaven speaks to us today through prophets so that we may know the truths necessary to our eternal salvation, progression and happiness. I am nothing short of amazed and grateful.
On a more personal note, my parents are wonderful. Sure, I disagree with them about some things (media preferences &c), I may roll my eyes at them from time to time (and sometimes may even be almost justified in it), but when it comes down to it, they are nothing short of amazing, admirable, spiritual, and loving people. They are parents I am glad and grateful to have. Their testimonies, their common sense, ability to teach and lead our family, and their love leaves me with a smile on my face, tears in my eyes, and a sappy warm feeling in my heart. I watch them handle the critical things, and find them not wanting, but excelling. In that- what I think the most necessary parental quality next only to love- I hope to emulate them. For that, I am grateful to them.

Isn't peace an interesting thing? I woke up this morning feeling anxious, and probably got to the point where I was suffering a mild panic attack. None of the things that caused me anxiety this morning have been resolved. Despite this, I feel peace- a quiet reassurance that everything will be alright and I need not worry so much, but trust in my Father.

All may not be right with the world, but I am at peace with it.

sitting waiting wishing

The Church's Worldwide Leardership Training Meeting was excellent. I'm glad I went. There were many things that stood out to me there. Perhaps I'll go back through my notes later and post the ones with the nifty little asterisk beside them.
The feeling I had in the wee hours of the morning is still there, but in a different form, I suppose. Be up. Wait. I fought off sleep last night for it. Will I do the same tonight? It's warm and fuzzy and feels like it's pushing my chest outward. If it didn't feel right, I'd chalk it up to anxiety.
I'm glad I went to the meeting. We'll see what happens with the other.