believe it or not, life is really good!

My cousin, Derek, wrote this post a couple days ago.  It got me thinking about similar experiences I've had, particularly recently.
Since last posting on this blog... wow, apparently that really was 6 months ago!  Anyways, since then, I've gone back to school.  My goal is to do some Pre-Med major and in about 4 years apply to med school.  Dream big, right?  Fall quarter went well, and I eased my way into it by taking 1 class- chemistry.  I'm still working part time and after all these years of migraines and other health problems, have finally learned to be kind to myself and not rush things.  I made friends in my class, and we all progressed to the next chemistry class for this current winter quarter.  I also felt like I should take ASL this quarter.  I loved taking ASL in high school, and even remembered a fair amount of it even though it's been... 8 years (wow!).
Anyways, this quarter has proved to be the hardest yet.  I don't know why the Lord has asked so much of me this quarter.  On top of taking 11 credits at school, I'm working an average of 20 hours a week.  That average looks more like... 10 hours 1 week and 40 the next.  Oh, and I still about 30-45 minutes away from my school... that also is tiring.  Oh, and I have an 830 am class.... every day.  And most of my shifts at work run till 10pm or later.  That has meant being sleep deprived at various points.  I'm not a morning person, so 1 week into the quarter I remember praying on the way in to school.  My prayer went something like, "I am not a morning person, how in the world can I do this every day for the rest of this quarter?"  Well, I haven't done it every day, I skipped class a couple times in the interest of my health, and teacher cancelled class a couple times in the interest of his.  Other than these times, I have actually done it.  And I think I'll come out of the quarter with good grades in both classes.
But that's not all I've been dealing with this quarter.  On top of those things (and the migraines that tend to come when I overwork and undersleep), my anxiety has spiked these last few months, and I've had a close friend who has been really sick.  Those two things have taken the most from me emotionally and spiritually.  So I've had stress from every angle, mentally with school, emotionally with anxiety, spiritually/emotionally with my friend, and physically with trying to keep up with it all!  About a month ago I got burnt out, so every day for a week or two I'd come home from work or school and sleep.  But I talked to my teachers and they have been kind.  I went back on preventative medication for my anxiety, and feel more like my normal self.  While not doing perfectly, I've made probably more of a concentrated/conscious effort to get enough sleep than I ever have in the past.  I know who my friends are, and the people I can trust, and I've talked to them.  I have a good team of classmates (particularly in chemistry), who have been kind and helpful when I struggled.
And here's the crux of it: I've had my Savior helping me.  I don't know why this was the quarter I felt like I really should take that extra ASL class.  I don't know why that class had to be at 0830 when I'm still living a 45 minute drive away.  I don't know why work was busier than normal every day I worked for a couple months straight.  I don't know why this was the same time I had to figure out how to juggle all of this, while it was also the same time my dear friend got really sick (maybe my busy schedule kept me from being an overhelpful pain lol).  I don't know why all of these things got thrown into my life at the same time, but now that the quarter is almost done, my reflections lead me to think that I'm better off for all of it.

To learn more about Jesus Christ, visit here

I can honestly say that on my own, I was physically incapable of dealing with all of this.  But I haven't been on my own.  I've been blessed with dear friends who take time for me, kind classmates who make succeeding in class seem like a team effort, family members who are patient when I'm home so little, and above all, I've been blessed with a Savior.  He really has saved me this quarter, I think.  He has made success in this terribly difficult time possible.  Not only that, but partnering with Him has brought me joy.  For the most part, I've been pretty happy for the past couple of months.  Stressed and worried?  Yes.  Sick and tired at times?  Yes.  Sleep-deprived?  Definitely.  Behind in my classes?  Sometimes.  Worried about my friend?  At times, of course.  More anxious than I've been in a couple years?  Yeah.
But despite all of this, I've had this over-arching peace.  I've had bad days, but I haven't felt like my life itself was bad.  I'm in awe that Christ really has helped me get through the impossible.  And to top it all off, I feel like a better, happier person as a result of this experience.

Oh, and I really am blessed.  I don't think I could list all of my blessings here, but here's a big one: I get to move into an apartment with one of my best friends really soon!!

And now I should close.  I've got homework due tonight, and essay due tomorrow, and two tests two days from now!  And some other stuff to do, too haha.

Mormon's advice to Moroni

Moroni 9:25: My son, be faithful in Christ; and may not the things which I have written [pretty much he wrote about the end of their civilization] grieve thee, to weigh thee down unto death; but may Christ lift thee up, and may his sufferings and death, and the showing his body unto our fathers, and his mercy and long-suffering, and the hope of his glory and of eternal life, rest in your mind forever."

I saw in this scripture, instructions on how to deal with the depressing things in life, without actually letting them depress you.
-be faithful in Christ, that he may lift you up
-remember his sufferings and death
-remember his appearance to the Nephites (see 3 Nephi)
-remember his mercy and long-suffering
-remember the hope of his glory and eternal life


Today is September 11th.  I really liked this article which President Monson wrote for the Washington Post.  Read the whole thing, but here are two things I really liked that he said:

We should strive for steadiness, and for a commitment to God that does not ebb and flow with the  years or the crises of our lives.

It is constancy that God would have from us.  Tragedies are not merely opportunities to give Him a fleeting thought, or for momentary insight to His plan for our happiness. Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives in the way He teaches us, and to become something different than we were."

I really like that.  "Destruction allows us to rebuild our lives...."  When we partner with the Savior, even our mistakes can be turned to our advantage.  Try to maintain a consistent attitude of optimism and hope- I try to do this, but of course it is hard to do.  However, I know that through the Atonement, Christ truly can turn mistakes and destruction and horrible things into opportunities for us.  Opportunities for growth, love, happiness, and goodness.  Opportunities to become better people, or discover the true extent of our goodness and the goodness of those around us.

friendship and happiness

"bear one another's burdens, that they may be light"  -Mosiah 18:8
I was talking to a friend today about friendship.  When you choose to be happy- and learn how,  you find that a lot of negative people drop out of your life, and a lot of positive ones drop in.  It's not really a conscious decision, it's just that we attract people like ourselves.  when we're miserable, we tend to hang out with other miserable people.  when we're happy, healthy people, we find ourselves surrounded by other happy people.  you see, sometimes good, well-intending, caring people try to help other people bear their burdens, however they get caught up in it- and then those burdens never become light, they just get shared around and continue to make everyone miserable.  that's not how God wants it to be.
"...and men are that they might have joy." (2 Ne 2:25)  Help someone bear their burden, and then be happy.
The verses following "bear one another's burdens" include mourning with those that mourn, standing with those that are in need of comfort, and standing as a witness of God at all times, in all things, and all places.  And then we are told what the point is for doing all of this: "that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life".
My friend pointed out that the result of loving and helping others is interestingly self-centered in a way.  When I make a pattern of helping people selflessly, the result is an eternity of God-like happiness for me.
So don't get caught up in drama and suffering.  Help people when they're hurting, but don't forget the end goal.  The end goal is to be with God, to be like God, and to be happy.  And while being physically with and truly like God are things that will take quite some time, being happy doesn't have to.  Being happy can happen just as soon as you learn to live your life happily.  And when you remember this end goal, the people you help will be better off.  Your happiness will rub off on them, and truly help their burdens to become light.

PS- dreams come true

1 year (and a couple weeks) ago, I wrote this post- a general update on my life.  In it, I wrote the following paragraph regarding work:

I like being a paraeducator and I really enjoy working in special ed.  It's also fun, as a substitute, to go around the district and see how different teachers run their different classrooms.  Very educational for me and helpful in generating ideas for how I want to teach my own kids someday.
But the scheduling of a substitute sucks and is something that has ended up being really hard for me.  It used to be good because I would work work work and then get sick and take time off no problem.  And then I went to school and was able to cut way back my working hours so I could study... no problem (except a decrease in income, obviously).  But now it's to the point for me that I don't really like my job.  I mean, I often enjoy it when I get to wherever I'm subbing, but at the same time, I don't come home from work with a sense of satisfaction that I made a difference and stretched myself today.  Usually I come home with a sense of satisfaction from simply knowing that I made money today.  I don't want that out of a job and to be honest, it is not enough to get me out of bed in the morning when I don't feel well.  This may be a character flaw in me, but it is the way I am (at least for the time being).  Last summer I made a "bucket list" of sorts and on that list is "work in an emergency room".  I think I might just pursue that.  It appeals to me, I think would really enjoy the job, learn and see a lot, make decent money, and be doing something that will be good for whatever career in medicine/health care I decide to go into.  I've still got more praying to do about it, but at this point I'm thinking I'll start pursuing it after I have recovered from my upcoming surgery.

It just tickles my fancy to think that 1 year ago, I had a dream to work in an ER.  And it really was a dream-- I didn't have much reason to see it happening, as I wasn't even a certified CNA, let alone my only experience was in CNA school-- and almost zero brand new CNA's get a job anywhere other than a nursing home.  But I had this dream, and I decided to pursue it.  And Heavenly Father helped me out.  1-2 months after this post, I found out about scribing.  It sounded like a dream job to me-- I couldn't believe it actually existed!!  I wanted this job sooo bad!  And I talked to my family about how awesome it would be all the time.  I could see myself doing the job and enjoying it.  I knew that's what I wanted to do.  I could have spent a lot of time doubting whether or not I'd get it- how competitive would I be anyways?  And then come Easter, my current job fell in my lap.  I now work in an emergency room.  And you know what?  I absolutely love it.

fear not

"One of the biggest challenges about bringing down old barriers is that sometimes old weaknesses return that you thought were long gone. But now instead of burying them, you have to learn to either live with them or control them, so that they don't control you and who you are or want to be!"  -Brian Hanks

Thank you for sharing that thought, sir.  It's quite apropo for me right now.  I don't really have much to add to it, 'cuz he pretty much summed it up.  But I wanted to do something so I'd remember it, so here I am, posting on the blog.

I was reading in Luke yesterday.  In Luke 8 there are a few notable stories.  For the past few years I've been inspired by the story of the woman with an issue of blood.  She'd spent all the money she had on doctors, and not a one had been able to heal her.  She believed that if she just touched the hem of Christ's garment she would be healed.  So she did, and she was.  Despite the throng of people pressing around Him, Christ felt it because, as He says, He felt virtue go out of him.  He asked and asked who it was who had touched him, and she finally came forward.  He said, "Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace."  I love that story, because it inspires me to get nearer to Christ so I may be healed.

In the following versus is a related message about healing.  Right before He healed the woman with an issue of blood, a man named Jairus had come to him, asking him to please come to his house and heal his 12 year old daughter, who was dying.  Jesus was delayed by the crowd which surrounded him, and someone from Jairus' house came saying the girl had died.  Christ said, "fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole."  There's a little more to this story, which I'll let you read for yourself, but the end results (spoiler alert!!) is that the little girl is healed and lives.  What I love is the simple instructions Christ gives us.

Fear not:  believe only, and [you] shall be  made whole

How simple, yet wonderful, is that command.  It gives me hope.  I know I will be healed from my migraines someday, it just takes time.  And frankly, to be honest, I am already being healed of them.  It's just a process.  For some reason, it's best for me to not be healed all at once, but by degrees.

One of my doctors at work the other day was asking about my migraines, how bad they used to be, what I tried, how they are now, etc etc.  I told him of how I barely passed high school, and for the year afterwards couldn't work or go to school for the severity of them.  I finally figured out a few triggers, which made it better, but not enough that I felt comfortable going back to school or working.  But then there came a time when I just felt it was right to go back to school (this was almost 4 years ago), despite the fact that my migraines were still pretty bad.  I didn't go into any detail, but I told him clearly that I can't think of anything I tried that made them better and made it so I was able to be successful in my classes when I went back.  I simply prayed and had faith, and they got better- not all the way better, but enough so that I could go for two semesters with at not quite but almost full time.  It was nice to share that simple and brief testimony as I answered his questions.

The past 2-3 weeks my migraines have been worse, I think because the Botox has worn off.  That's okay.  It just gives me more hope for when I get my next round of Botox (I'm hoping for late March).  I'm still eating more sugar than I should, but it's a lot less than I was previously- so that's good.  I did yoga 3 times last week- go me! I felt like I was going to die because it's hot yoga and I wasn't used to it, etc etc.  But it's getting better.  I've only done it once so far this week, but I'll get in one or two more sessions before the week is out.

Since realizing a couple weeks ago the miracle that I've held a full-time job for over 9 months now, I've felt repeatedly grateful for that.  The last time I did something full time for over 9 months was... about 6 years ago.  Maybe 7, actually.  (It's a marvel to me that it's been so long since I first got sick.)  Looking at things from that perspective, it's easier to not feel so bad about not having a degree yet.  Doing something full-time for 9 months for the first time in 6 or 7 years-- that is a HUGE step!!  HUGE!  As in, humungous, monumental, magnificent, fantastic.... I'll run out of adjectives long before I run out of excitement.  I am learning to choose to appreciate this for what it is-- a huge step, a big deal; and a sign that Christ not only loves me, but is active in my life- guiding me and healing me.

So, fear not.  Believe.  You will be made whole.  It just might take awhile, and that's okay.

a new year?

Hmmm.... it's a new year and I haven't posted since last year!  It's late and I should be sleeping, but we'll do a quick update.

1) work continues to be awesome and I love it.  a couple weeks ago a man passed out in the radiology department.  ER staff was called over, and I followed my doc- let's call him Fred.  They started CPR.  Fred grabbed some trauma shears, and starting cutting the man's coat off him.  Well, it was one of those coats which is packed with feathers, so when he cut into it, the feathers exploded.  All of a sudden, you had 6 people in a radiology lobby, crowded around a man, performing CPR and breathing for him with a bag-valve mask.... with feathers which appeared like snow, floating all around them.  There was something kind of magical about it, and I'm afraid I can't begin to do it justice in this description.  It was kind of like a movie... with some Sarah McLachlen song playing in the background.

2)  I've started exercising again recently!  (And by recently, I mean-- this week haha.)  For the next few weeks, it will be hot yoga.  After that, my special groupon deal (20 sessions for $40) will expire, and then I'll probably just join a gym or something.  I made a deal with my physiatrist that I have to be exercising regularly to get another round of Botox.  And (dun dun dun!) if I don't, he has permission to give me a talking-to.  Yikes!

3)  Speaking of Botox, I got some back in October.  No, it's not for wrinkles (which I wouldn't have anyways, as I'm in my early-mid 20's), it's for migraines.  The idea is that it paralyzes muscles in the head which contribute to the migraines.  My insurance approved 2 rounds of it.  1 round usually lasts 2-3 months. I think it really helped-- the fact that I was able to work like crazy without any intense, long-lasting, or hard-to-treat migraines popping up is my testament to that.  I believe it's worn off now, as in the past couple weeks I feel like I'm starting to get migraines a little more frequently.  Another thing the Botox seemed to help with was my constant, low-grade headache.  I've had that headache 24/7 for 5 or 6 years now.  I think there were a couple points about a month or two ago when that headache was almost gone.  I remember driving and thinking "do I have a headache?"  It's a little hard to tell sometimes when you're used to it being there all the time, so it took me a moment.  I had just the slightest pressure in my forehead, so it was still there, but just barely.  Tiny enough that I almost wonder if I thought it into existence.  On a pain scale of 1-10, I would have rated it in that moment as a 0.5.  Which is awesome.  The idea with the second round of Botox is that even after the Botox wears off, the relaxing effect on my muscles will be more permanent, leaving a long-term relief.  Last time my doc only gave me shots in a few places in my head (a couple in the forehead, a couple on each side of the head, and a couple at the back of the head).  Next time we'll do a bunch of shots all over.  That will kind of suck while it's happening, but I'm positive will be more than worth it 5 days later when the stuff starts kicking in.

In case you couldn't tell, I get really excited about medical stuff and the prospect of my migraines being better.

4)  I've started thinking about Med school.  It's a long way off as I don't even have an AA yet (which fact I have accepted and is only slightly distressing to me nowadays), but the more I work at my job, the more I could see myself being a doctor.  I think it's work I would really really enjoy.  What would I want to specialize in?  I dunno.... Emergency medicine, neurology, physiatry, and hem/onc are all on my mind.  Surgery would be cool because I like looking at guts, but I have a feeling I wouldn't actually go with it.  Anyways, that's all far off, and so for now, jsut a dream.  ... Just a dream that I'll start working towards.

5)  Related to that, I'm sad to not be in school right now.  But I prayed about it, and I really feel that right now is a time to take a break from school.  Focus on my health.  Pay off some debt.  Save up some money. Etc etc.  I also think that it's been good for my pride to have my education pursue a more delayed, alternate route.  If I had graduated at age 21 or 22 like I had planned, there's a chance I might be a bit of a snoot.  Not on purpose, of course, but I think it could happen.  It's also been good to learn that God is in charge of my life- not me.  Oh, and perhaps one of the most important lessons is something along the line of Heavenly Father loves me, no matter what, and I am of value to Him even if I have not accomplished what I thought I should have by now.  One can be a good, successful person, without achieving many milestones which the world values as most important.  That whole idea is a whole other post in itself.

6)  My auntie got me a kindle for Christmas.  I've had my nose stuck in that thing ever since.  It's nice to feel like a book worm again.

7)  I'm tired from being extroverted and peppy last year.  It's time for sleep and time to myself.  And family.  And close friends.


I think we'll call that it for now.  It's super late, as I didn't get off work till after midnight.  I'll leave something amusing with you.  Was talking to a friend when he asked, "have you ever wondered how someone feels having a disease named after them?"  naturally, the conversation turned to naming a disease after him.

Meet the Rutherford Reaction: a temporary, psychosomatic reaction, usually in un-married persons, triggered by interactions with the opposite sex.  criteria for diagnosis: 1) an erythematous, non-pruritic, non-maculopapular rash of the skin over the zygomatic arch, 2) a subjective fever, 3) disequilibrium, and 4) agoraphobia.

What would the Sager Syndrome be??

I'm going to Guyana. Please help.

UPDATE:

my fundraising site is up!

I'm going to Guyana!

for two weeks. and i'll be camping. and hanging out with lots of sick people.

october 23-november 6.

i'm stoked.

[it's on facebook, too!]

What?

So over the past year, I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life. I took a CNA class- absolutely loved it. Then I worked for a few months with the school district, and in the spring decided to go back to the local community college. Spring and Summer quarters I attended part-time so if I had any migraine problems it wouldn't set me back in school. This plan worked excellently because both quarters I got a 3.9! Yay! Overjoyed, I quite happily signed up for Fall classes, ready to keep going.

And then there was that Sunday I sat in church and felt really strongly like something would come up this fall and I should withdraw from classes so I could devote myself to that opportunity. My thoughts were something like, "wha?!" So a few days later I took a big gulp and withdrew from my classes. Yikes! I thought and prayed about it and decided that hey, this would be a really good opportunity to do something I've always wanted to do-- go volunteer abroad!

I started researching various volunteer programs like crazy. After about a month of research I'd seen a few programs that caught my eye, but none of them occurring this fall. Then I got an email from Ve'ahavta. They told me that they had an upcoming medical trip to Guyana and were in need of a support person for their team and the information they had about me suggested that I might be a good fit for this role. The trip is scheduled to leave Oct 23, so would I please get back to them quickly about whether or not I'm interested? I took a weekend to pray about it and decided that this is something I really want to do and to go for it.

Well that's nice, Cassanndre, but what're you actually gonna do?

Well, this is so cool. Short answer: I'm going to be a support person on a medical team. My job will be multi-fold. Part of it will be to help our team leader logistically, make sure we don't forget anything on the little boats or airplanes (like medicine, tents, food, and other not-so-important items), and remind my teammates to stay hydrated and wear mosquito repellant. The other part of it will be using my medical skills and enthusiasm to learn by helping the doctors and nurses in the clinic. I will help with basic patient care (taking vitals, basic first aid, etc), triaging our incoming patients, and educating patients on things like hygiene, sexual health, diabetes, and preventative measures. I will also have opportunities to observe the doctors and nurses in action.

We will travel by "puddle jumper" (little plane), boat, canoe, and.... well, I imagine there will be a vehicle here or there :) We will be going to the rural Guyanese people who have less access to primary care and working with the local healthcare workers to meet the medical needs of each village.

If you want to know more in depth, check out the Ve'ahavta Guyana project information page.

You said "please help"... are you asking me for money?

Yes, yes, I am. I will be completely honest with you about this. And y'know what makes it great? I really don't have the ability to afford it on my own!

Are you crazy?

Yeah, maybe I am. However, I feel really strongly that this medical trip to Guyana is something my Heavenly Father is giving me the opportunity to do and it is something I really, really want to do. That's an understatement. I am enthused, excited, and committed to this trip. Worst case scenario here? I go to Guyana and am in debt to Ve'ahavta and arrange a payment plan with them to pay off the cost of the trip within the next year or so. I believe in working for a living as well as working to make dreams possible. I don't like the idea of debt and try to avoid it as much as possible. I feel strongly that if I do everything I can to prepare myself for this trip and take advantage of all of the resources available to me that I will be provided for- in whatever form that comes about. It might sound crazy to plan this trip on such short notice with such little resources of my own, but I am not ashamed of my situation nor my decision to go.

The cost of the trip is termed a donation (and thus is tax-deductible). It is typically $3,000 but because I'm awesome, Ve'ahavta has reduced it to $2,500 for me. What does this cover? This covers not only my personal airfare, food, in-country travel, insurance, etc. but it also helps cover the cost of the medical supplies we will be using and supplying the Guyanese people.

What do I get out of it?

Well, that depends on what you want out of it. If you want me to have a great time, expand my educational experiences, and help people- I promise you'll get that. You'll even get some people in Guyana who are healthier, happier, and more knowledgeable about taking care of themselves. Personally, though, I want to give back to the people who help me to go. I have a few ideas about this, and honestly, I can't think of one to make the single gift back to those of you who help sponsor me. So how about this? I'll give you guys a list of things I can do, and you let me know what you would like in return.

• a printed photo of guyana. your choice from my pictures of people and land. (since i am a photographer)
• a photoshoot of you, your family, your pets, whatever.
• professional editing or restoration of photos you already have.
• babysitting. (for an evening, a day, a few times a week, a month....)
• cleaning. with my special genetic-anal-retentive skills.
• a massage. (i have no training whatsoever, but i do have a reputation for awesome massages.)
• buy doTERRA oils from me at retail price (i believe i get 25% of your purchase). feel free to ask me about essential oils if you don't know about them or what might be a good fit for you. i love them. maybe i'll put a post regarding oils here on my blog sometime soon...
• caregiving. i am trained to be a nursing assistant. i can help you or a loved one in a number of ways, from personal hygiene and basic medical attention to preparing meals and rearranging furniture for greater accessibility. and many things in between.
• tutoring. i have extensive experience working with special needs kids. i also am a college student and can help with most subjects up to high school level. i took two years of ASL and can teach you basic sign language.
• anything else you can think of.

well that's nice that you can do stuff, but I only have a little bit of money. can I just get a picture or something?

Of course! And you know what, if 50 people donated $20, that would be $1000. Now, I probably won't be able to send an 8x10 glossy to each of those 50 people because that would get expensive. But if you want one, let me know and we'll make it happen. If you want an hour of tutoring or a small handful of photos edited, let's talk about it. If you want to just donate and you don't want anything in return, that's really sweet and I'll accept that, but please give me your address so I can at least send you a picture or something. Pretty much, I'm a reasonable person, and I expect that anyone who reads this is probably a reasonable person. Want to help me out? Let's talk and see what I can do for you!

I have more questions!

Okay, post them below, give me a call (if you have my number), or shoot me an email (cassanndre [at] gmail [dot] com). I will also probably come back and add more information as I think of things people might want to know/ I want to share.

backwards superstition, hearts, and some other thoughts

As of today, it's been one year since Roo passed away.
It's hard to believe it. It seems ike it's been such a long time... and yet a year really is quite short. I am an age she will never be. I have done, and will continue to do things, she will never do.
Perhaps there is a goal in life to see how much of our hearts we can give away. What good does our own heart do the world if we keep it to ourselves? But if we give pieces of it to different people, then when we part ways, those people still carry a part of our hearts. We may feel a pain at that piece being carried far away, but it would be good to remember also that we ourselves recieve portions of other peoples' hearts in return... perhaps with those pieces we are given, we can reconstruct our own, so that our heart becomes a patchwork quilt of the lives we have touched and have been touched by.
That idea sounds good to me. It sounds somewhat romantic, and probably a bit silly. Nonetheless, I like it.
I do not hurt for Roo herself-- she is happy, I am sure-- but rather I hurt for the missing of her. For the time I have spent and will have to spend without her. She has a sizeable chunk of my heart. In return, however, she has nestled herself a tender spot in mine.
That is how it should be, I think. By the end of our lives, our hearts will reflect so much about us. The condition of our hearts will reflect the choices we've made. I think also, though, that how much of our hearts we have given away will be important. And we will hold very dearly (treasure) the pieces of other peoples' hearts given to us.
So, what do you call this day? An anniversary of death? But I recognize it to celebrate a life...
Last Friday was the 7th anniversary of Roo's bone marrow transplant. She recieved the transplant in June of the year 2000 on Friday the 13th. She did things her own way, and where Friday the 13th was concerned, she was superstitious backwards: she considered it a lucky day. That specific day was definately a special one, with a solid miracle.
I wanted to do something special on these days, to remember Roo by. Well, I had a Red Cross appointment today to start volunteering... does that count? Eh, I don't think so much. However, a week from this Friday I'll job shadow at Children's in the oncology ward. So it's not on the 13th or 18th- it's coming up, and I'm excited. I just hope I won't get emotional or anything. I did fine in the Ped's ICU... but then again, I didn't interact much with kids that reminded me of Roo. We'll see how it goes. And-- if I come home at the end of the day and bawl, that's just fine. Every once in a while, a good bawl is called for. I think it has something to do with the heart.

So, Roo... here are some thoughts for you. Thank you for being a sister to me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for your patience with me. Understanding, sympathy, and empathy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and most of all- your heart-, with me. Thank you for helping me to grow. And thank you for the mark you left on me which will be with me throughout the entire rest of my life. In this way, you are still in my life, and I in yours, I'm sure. I pray for you often, and think of you even more. I hope for your happiness, and for the happiness of those dear to you. You continue to be an amazing example to me, and a cherished friend.
God be with you till we meet again. :)
Love,
~Cassanndre

the happy little slugbug

A conversation with a friend of mine got me thinking....

He said-- "some people are very intelligent with the match tendency to doubt and criticize. Such a person is powerful, but with powerful engines, requires a lot of fuel to maintain a happy amount of energy. A smaller engine, may not see or know much, but is quite happy in ignorance of all things, and requires little fuel to sustain"and I said okay i guess, but I didn't like the idea that the little guy was happier just because he didn't know any better.
So, I'm thinking, what if there are levels? What there's the little slugbug level where he's happy just because he doesn't know any better. Then there's the SUV level or whatever where he's having a harder time being happy 'cuz he's learned some stuff. What if after that there's another level (um.... anologie [too late to splele that word!] difficulty-- airplane????), where the guy has learned even more, but because of that finds it easy to be happy.
I guess that's what I disliked about the little car being the happy one-- Knowledge should make us happy. Or rather, the more Truth we know, the happier we will be because, honestly, the Eternal Truths are pretty awesome, exciting things. They shouldn't get us down.If all we know is getting us down, perhaps we're not seeking after or focusing on the right knowledge...or something like that.