freewrite #?

Hmm... Thinking thinking thinking. It's another freewrite (yippee!). What is going on with me today? Well, I'm not quite sure. Oh, well I went in the special ed room and it was kinda funny... I went up and said hi to people (like normal) and when I went up and said hi to t____ he leaned his head against me! I thought, whoa... weird... I guess he likes me! While out doing the recycling T____ found this large rolled up piece of cardstock paper with a bunch of writing on it. He decided he liked it and kept it. I asked him if I could see it (he wouldn't let me at first) and then put it up to his ear and said "Helloooo, T____!!" Later on asked him if I could see it (he hid it under the desk for a moment) and placed to my ear and told him to say something. He burps. Just a little one. I laughed and told him that burping is bad manners.

I really like playing in the orchestra. Today I guess I was a bit closer to getting my timing right in some of the more difficult places. When we stopped playing, Mr. Harrison talked to me about those spots just a little bit, and then he told me "good playing". That made me happy because I have been concerned w/ this piece... It's a very difficult piece. The eighth notes are trick because we're playing so fast and I just can't tongue that fast on many of them, so I tend to slur two tongue two. But the more difficult thing about this piece is the timing. It's not like I can't play the notes or the rythms, those aren't difficult. It's just the actual coming in on time and knowing how I fit into the whole orchestra.

I think that life is a lot like that. We all feel we're our own instrument and trying to figure out how our part fits into what the rest of the orchestra is playing- what is the significance of our individual parts? It's hard to tell sometimes, and we feel like we're doing more harm than good othertimes because we are trying our best and still messing up at parts. But that's okay, because eventually we'll be able to play those parts, and everything will be fine. We will eventually be able to see how we fit in and what we bring as individual musicians to the orchestra.

"Good playing" makes me think of M____ and F____. When M____ tells F____ "wait please!", and F____ waits well, M___ says "good waiting!". He does this with other things, too... I just can't think of them at the moment. I really like the people in special ed- the teachers, students, and other peer tutors. I feel wary around I___, just because he's a bit less predictable I suppose- the teachers tell me to watch out for him because he likes to grab. And F____- today I felt wary around him, but that was just because the teachers told me, "he's having a bad day today."
"worse than yesterday?" I ask, curious.
"yes"
"oh... wow"
"so, if we say 'clear the room' we need to get all of the students out as quickly as possible, okay?"
"... okay..."
Strange, isn't it? F____ to me usually seems harmless. I guess I forget that he hit R____ because I didn't see it. In fact, I haven't been around when he gets aggressive... I've been around when the teachers were worried about him getting aggressive. Like yesterday, when M____ was telling me to watch out during lunch because he's waiting for F____ to lunge at him.
"why... do you think that'll happen?" I ask, phrasing my words carefully so he understands me.
"because I'm eating"
"what does that have to do with....? I mean, why would he lunge at you because you're eating?"
"I don't know. If we knew then we could fix it."
I accepted that. It's interesting that there are things like that with developmentally disabled students. So much we don't understand about what life is like for them, and what they see and understand of the world around them. I'm sure that to F____ it makes perfect sense to lunge at M____ when M____'s eating. At least when he does it. Other times when he doesn't, I'm sure it doesn't make sense.

I'd like to know more about CPI. It's interesting to me. M____ once described himself as a punching bag. That confused me, but I didn't ask more about it because I was questioning him on a different line. Does he mean that when F____ gets violent, M____ is the one that is around to calm him down? Whether it be (preferably) verbal de-escalation, or physical restraint (hopefully unnecessary)? Or that working with F____ is bound to bring some cuts and scratches? Perhaps someday when F____ isn't having a difficult day I'll ask M____ about why he works as a behavioral specialist. I mean, it's different to focus on one particular student from 7:00 to 2:00 or whatever his hours are every day than to work with multiple students. I'm also interested in Community Cares. If I go to the UW, perhaps I'll see if I can get a job there. Or maybe I'll be able to find a place like that near BYU or MAC. I guess we'll just see how things play out.