testing, testing, 1,2,3...

I have been cowed by being sick for awhile now. Really. I have stopped doing things at the limitations I have observed. I have erred strongly on the side of caution.
Maybe it's time to try erring on the other side a bit.
I need to not feel depressed about being sick. I recognize the depression, and fight it, but honestly- the best way to fight it isn't by going around in circles in my head, but by doing something.
I need to push my limitations. I need to see not just where they currently lie, but where they could, with some work, eventually lie.
I don't know what I can do, and I believe that learning to cope with chronic illness is becoming intimately acquainted with what one can and cannot do.
So, I'm going to have a practice run. Starting after I finish this post.
From this moment until Thursday morning, I am going to push myself.
What's the worst that can happen? I could throw up? Been there, done that; a couple more times doesn't make a difference. I could get a migraine? Yeah, vacationed frequently there, too. It's nothing new. It might suck, but I've dealt with it before and I can deal with it again.
And so, I am going to clean my room. I am going to put the romance novels and sundry on a shelf- not to be touched when ill, but when I have accomplished something.
I will be in bed by ten o'clock. If I think I might need, I'll take a sleeping pill at 8:30. I will wake up at 4:30 and go to seminary and school. I will come home and get things done. I will, once again, be in bed by ten o'clock.
I will take Thursday as a personal day, and evaluate how things went and what I learned.
I will pace myself, but I am also going to push.
What does a little pain matter?
I guess we'll find out.
So that's my resolution. Posted on the world wide web, for anyone who actually looks at my blog to read.
Great, now if I don't follow through it'll be more than just me that knows.
A nice incentive, I suppose.
Besides, it feels better to say "I feel like crap" when I've done things, than when I've done nothing.
And I think I really need to know how much I can do.
So I'm setting aside my doubts and reservations for a day and a half.
I will square my shoulders, turn up the music, turn off my brain (okay, at least mostly), and see what I can do.

Wish me luck.