Oh, what do you do in the morning-time when all the world is black?
Do you lay in your bed, write blogs to be read, and yawn a big yawn and sigh?
Is that what you do? So do I!
(inspired by Oh, What Do You Do in the Summertime?)
A lot of these posts get written in the wee hours of the night or the wee hours of the morning. Today I woke up and wasn't feeling good enough to work, but was too awake to go back to sleep. The time was o'dark-thirty. Much, much too early to be awake with nothing to do if you ask me. So two posts that have been sitting unfinished in my drafts folder got finished and published today. And the above song (or ditty) was written as my facebook status. I was so proud of it that I figured I just had to share it here on my blog so it would be less likely to get lost in the flood of social information.
So really-- what do you do in the morning-time when all the world is black? Leave comments!
30 January 2012
useful babblings... gatorade, kidney stones, diet, and salt
This post is very apropos to the given name of this blog: "Constructive Babblings". It's really just me babbling, but it's also organized information! There's this lady I know whose daughter was throwing up like nobody's business. We were talking about that and the question of whether gatorade is good or bad for you came up. She said her nurse practitioner told her it's bad for one's kidneys but neither of us were sure of the veracity of that information.
So what did I do? What Cassanndre does at all times when struck with curiosity about medical things... I went to Medscape and Google! I read several articles and thought I would only link to one but then I did more reading... so there will be at least a few interesting links at the bottom of this post. Check them out (some will not even be heavily laden with medicalese).
Alright, alright, to the point-- what did I learn?
Gatorade
I have come to the conclusion that, like many things, Gatorade is bad in excess. It has a lot of salt, which is good and bad. If you have been sweating a lot or experiencing diarrhea and lost a lot of electrolytes, the sodium (and other electrolytes) in gatorade is wonderful. My neurologist also recommended using G2 as an abortive at the onset of a migraine. I find that it is effective at least 1/2 the time. Electrolytes are probably to thank for this. [Migraine side note: I recommend drinking 16 oz of G2 with 2 magnesium supplements at the very first signs of a migraine. If you find 15 minutes later that the migraine is still threatening to attack, then pursue your normal course of action, whether it be a triptan, painkiller, nap, or whatever.]
Now for the bad about Gatorade: if you haven't been exercising & sweating like crazy, or losing lots of fluid and electrolytes another way (eg: diarrhea), then Gatorade is not the drink for you. Go for water. Water is good and under regular circumstances it's all you really need to stay hydrated and happy. There is evidence to say that Gatorade is bad for your kidneys, but according to what I've learned that is only the case if you drink too much or are prone to hypercalciuria (too much calcium in the urine).
This discovery led to some curiosity for the effect of excess dietary sodium on calcium production. So, without further ado...
Sodium, diet, and hypercalciuria
Excess calcium in the urine can form stones and get lodged in the kidney or elsewhere along the urinary tract (kidney stones!).
First, about kidney stones and hypercalciuria:
Regularly eating a lot of salt increases your chances of getting kidney stones and having too much calcium in your urine. Doing so also affects levels of other chemicals, such as calcium, cystine, parathyroid hormone, vitamin D-3, and even urinary pH; in your digestive and urinary systems. In regards to calcium, medical evidence suggests that a high-sodium diet leads to extra released calcium from your bones and so if you have this kind of diet, not only are you more likely to get kidney stones and have hypercalicuriea, but you're also more likely to have lower bone density, which leads to osteoporosis.
Isn't that interesting? And a little bit frightening? Footnote [4] takes you to this awesome slideshow which tells you things you never knew about salt. It tells you some things that have a lot of salt in them (like TV dinners, cereals, vegetable juices, canned veggies, packaged meats, soups, spaghetti sauce, spices, headache and heartburn medicines, and more) and how to keep yourself within a healthy dietary sodium range. It's kind of fun, I highly suggest checking it out.
So there you go-- all you may have never wanted to know about Gatorade, salt, and kidney stones. Yay.
[1] "Hypercalciuria: Overview of Hypercalciuria" from Medscape Referance
[2] "Hypercalciuria: Overview of Dietary Factors" also from Medscape Referance
[3] "Hypercalciuria: Dietary Management of Hypercalciuria" from the same article as the above two
[4] "Salt Shockers Slideshow: High Sodium Surprises" a very neat photo + commentary. I highly recommend it.
So what did I do? What Cassanndre does at all times when struck with curiosity about medical things... I went to Medscape and Google! I read several articles and thought I would only link to one but then I did more reading... so there will be at least a few interesting links at the bottom of this post. Check them out (some will not even be heavily laden with medicalese).
Alright, alright, to the point-- what did I learn?
Gatorade
I have come to the conclusion that, like many things, Gatorade is bad in excess. It has a lot of salt, which is good and bad. If you have been sweating a lot or experiencing diarrhea and lost a lot of electrolytes, the sodium (and other electrolytes) in gatorade is wonderful. My neurologist also recommended using G2 as an abortive at the onset of a migraine. I find that it is effective at least 1/2 the time. Electrolytes are probably to thank for this. [Migraine side note: I recommend drinking 16 oz of G2 with 2 magnesium supplements at the very first signs of a migraine. If you find 15 minutes later that the migraine is still threatening to attack, then pursue your normal course of action, whether it be a triptan, painkiller, nap, or whatever.]
Now for the bad about Gatorade: if you haven't been exercising & sweating like crazy, or losing lots of fluid and electrolytes another way (eg: diarrhea), then Gatorade is not the drink for you. Go for water. Water is good and under regular circumstances it's all you really need to stay hydrated and happy. There is evidence to say that Gatorade is bad for your kidneys, but according to what I've learned that is only the case if you drink too much or are prone to hypercalciuria (too much calcium in the urine).
This discovery led to some curiosity for the effect of excess dietary sodium on calcium production. So, without further ado...
Sodium, diet, and hypercalciuria
Excess calcium in the urine can form stones and get lodged in the kidney or elsewhere along the urinary tract (kidney stones!).
First, about kidney stones and hypercalciuria:
About 80% of all kidney stones contain calcium, and at least one third of all calcium stone formers are found to have hypercalciuria when tested. Hypercalciuria contributes to kidney stone disease and osteoporosis... [1]Consuming too much sodium (whether it be gatorade, potato chips, yummy sauces, or prepackaged foods) leads to an increase of calcium being released from your bones. This also can be associated with lower bone density. Here are a couple extracts from Medscape (probably my favorite place to research medical stuff):
Sodium intake is another significant dietary risk factor for kidney stone disease and hypercalciuria. High dietary sodium is associated with increased calcium release from bone, further contributing to any existing hypercalciuria. It also causes an increase in urinary calcium excretion through a direct effect on the kidneys.... [2]and
A high sodium intake promotes various effects that enhance urinary calcium excretion and increase overall kidney stone formation rates. These effects include a rise in urinary pH, higher urinary calcium and cystine levels, and a decrease in urinary citrate excretion. In healthy adults, a high sodium intake has been associated with higher fractional intestinal calcium absorption as well as increased parathyroid hormone (PTH) and vitamin D-3 levels....
Increased calcium excretion is thought to be due to an increase in the extracellular fluid volume, which ultimately results in an inhibition of calcium reabsorption in the distal renal tubule. Reducing dietary sodium has been shown to decrease urinary calcium excretion in hypercalciuric stone formers, whereas high dietary sodium is associated with both increased urinary calcium excretion and low bone density.
Sodium intake among stone formers is equal to or higher than the intake in control groups of non–stone formers. Enhanced renal calcium excretion from high dietary sodium is thought to be due to an increase in the extracellular fluid volume, which ultimately results in an inhibition of renal tubular calcium reabsorption. Sodium and calcium share common sites for reabsorption in the renal tubules. Patients with recurrent nephrolithiasis and hypercalciuria are also the most sensitive to the hypercalciuric actions of a high-sodium diet. Finally, in postmenopausal women, high sodium intake has been directly associated with low bone density in calcium stone formers. [3]What the heck does all of this mean? Um... give me a moment to reread it and jot down a few notes so I can figure out how to explain it in layman's terms... Alright, here's my sparknotes version:
Regularly eating a lot of salt increases your chances of getting kidney stones and having too much calcium in your urine. Doing so also affects levels of other chemicals, such as calcium, cystine, parathyroid hormone, vitamin D-3, and even urinary pH; in your digestive and urinary systems. In regards to calcium, medical evidence suggests that a high-sodium diet leads to extra released calcium from your bones and so if you have this kind of diet, not only are you more likely to get kidney stones and have hypercalicuriea, but you're also more likely to have lower bone density, which leads to osteoporosis.
Isn't that interesting? And a little bit frightening? Footnote [4] takes you to this awesome slideshow which tells you things you never knew about salt. It tells you some things that have a lot of salt in them (like TV dinners, cereals, vegetable juices, canned veggies, packaged meats, soups, spaghetti sauce, spices, headache and heartburn medicines, and more) and how to keep yourself within a healthy dietary sodium range. It's kind of fun, I highly suggest checking it out.
So there you go-- all you may have never wanted to know about Gatorade, salt, and kidney stones. Yay.
[1] "Hypercalciuria: Overview of Hypercalciuria" from Medscape Referance
[2] "Hypercalciuria: Overview of Dietary Factors" also from Medscape Referance
[3] "Hypercalciuria: Dietary Management of Hypercalciuria" from the same article as the above two
[4] "Salt Shockers Slideshow: High Sodium Surprises" a very neat photo + commentary. I highly recommend it.
on photo editing: a process reader
When I first attended college, I took English 110: College Writing. I had an excellent teacher who thoroughly introduced me to the beautiful processes of writing. She even required analyses of each essay we wrote- a sort of personal review of the process we went through. Indeed, the textbook for our class was all about analyzing the process of writing, not just what makes a finished product good and what it might mean. (I am keeping that textbook... probably forever.)
I was thinking about this this evening and thought of how it is valuable to stop and do that from time to time on everything we do- particularly in my mind, to sit down and really think about what processes I go through as a photographer. The following is written as if to a client, explaining why I do things certain ways in my photo-editing process and what to expect.
It normally takes me about 4-8 weeks to finish editing a full batch of photos (end product 15-20 photos). In the week following your photoshoot, I will upload originals from the photoshoot to a private online album which you may review and leave comments- helping me to know which photos are your favorite. That same week you will also see about 5 finished photos published to a public web album for your enjoyment, as well as my blog and facebook page. Thereafter I tend to edit 2-5 photos a week (depending on my work schedule and the amount of editing required per photo) until I have completed at least 15 edits with which I personally feel satisfied. A single photo may require only 5 minutes of editing (this is rare) or it may require 60 minutes (a little on the excessive side, but in no way unheard of with the perfection I strive to achieve with each photo). I will spend on average probably about 30 minutes per photo. With this amount of time required and understanding that photography is not a full-time job for me, it easy to see how I (along with other portrait photographers) may take 6 weeks to finish editing photos for my clients.
I have never produced just 15 edited photos for a client- I often produce multiple edits of one photo (and count that as only 1 of your 15-20 finished), and will end up producing less than 20 only if the edits required were of a more time-consuming nature. It is important to me to have your feedback on which photos are your favorite and I make it a priority to produce edited photos that will satisfy you based on what you have told me and what I know about you. However, I rarely edit all photos you may have marked as favorites. My artistic opinion and professional experience and knowledge guide my decision of which photos to edit, weighing in mind the primary factors of the finished quality, potential and client satisfaction of each photo I work on. (I ask myself questions like: how will this look when i am done? do i feel that this is a photo i would personally want to display in my home if it were of me? will it make my client smile? does it evoke an emotion? how can i enhance this photo- what would it take to achieve the vision i have of what this image could be? etc etc.)
With every photoshoot, I learn and employ a new skill. Sometimes that skill is behind the camera, during the photoshoot. Sometimes that skill is something nifty I've learned in photoshop or using a new photo-editing program. With every shoot, the end result is a product created from hard work and creative detail. The photos are not only added to my portfolio, but the experience of producing them expands my photographic capabilities and skills.
It normally takes me about 4-8 weeks to finish editing a full batch of photos (end product 15-20 photos). In the week following your photoshoot, I will upload originals from the photoshoot to a private online album which you may review and leave comments- helping me to know which photos are your favorite. That same week you will also see about 5 finished photos published to a public web album for your enjoyment, as well as my blog and facebook page. Thereafter I tend to edit 2-5 photos a week (depending on my work schedule and the amount of editing required per photo) until I have completed at least 15 edits with which I personally feel satisfied. A single photo may require only 5 minutes of editing (this is rare) or it may require 60 minutes (a little on the excessive side, but in no way unheard of with the perfection I strive to achieve with each photo). I will spend on average probably about 30 minutes per photo. With this amount of time required and understanding that photography is not a full-time job for me, it easy to see how I (along with other portrait photographers) may take 6 weeks to finish editing photos for my clients.
I have never produced just 15 edited photos for a client- I often produce multiple edits of one photo (and count that as only 1 of your 15-20 finished), and will end up producing less than 20 only if the edits required were of a more time-consuming nature. It is important to me to have your feedback on which photos are your favorite and I make it a priority to produce edited photos that will satisfy you based on what you have told me and what I know about you. However, I rarely edit all photos you may have marked as favorites. My artistic opinion and professional experience and knowledge guide my decision of which photos to edit, weighing in mind the primary factors of the finished quality, potential and client satisfaction of each photo I work on. (I ask myself questions like: how will this look when i am done? do i feel that this is a photo i would personally want to display in my home if it were of me? will it make my client smile? does it evoke an emotion? how can i enhance this photo- what would it take to achieve the vision i have of what this image could be? etc etc.)
14 January 2012
those holes in my head
The two big black holes in the middle are my maxillary sinuses. You can see pointing to these sinuses a green captain saying "pus (yay!)". The pus is from inflammation in my sinuses & nose and mucus not being able to drain. My understanding is that the mucus turns into pus under these conditions. (Don't take my word as law.)
Do you see the green captain that says "more pus?" ? The arrows are pointing to my ethmoid sinuses. I'm wondering if the gray splotches (not the lines- those are just dividing walls between sinuses) are pus, too.
Ah, "deviated septum". That is one of the key features in this CT. Notice the dotted line marked "A" by the radiologist? That's the line my septum (the white line the green arrow points to) should follow, but doesn't. Thus why my septum is called a deviated one. See the blue circled part labeled "bad"? I believe that is where my Dr said the septum is making contact with the bone or the turbinates or something. Anyways, it's not supposed to happen and when it does it can cause pain along the trigeminal nerve pathway.
Which brings us to the trigeminal nerve. I drew it for you since it doesn't show up on CTs. As you can see, the trigeminal nerve has 3 major branches- one to the temples/sides of the forehead, one to the nasal area, and one to the jaw. This nerve is a major player in migraine headaches and you can see why sinus or jaw problems might cause migraines, or why a migraine may involve facial pain and/or jaw stiffness. This is because if something painful happens at one branch of the trigeminal nerve, the pain messages can get sent all along the other branches. Youch! This is the reason why my Dr thinks my sinus problems might be the problem that is sending my migraines and headaches over the top.
One last note, look at the yellow arrows labeled "R&L nasal passages". You can see how the L nasal passage is half the size of the R one. This is the reason why my mucus can't drain and also the reason why I get short of breath more easily when I'm breathing through my L nostril.
The abnormal size of my L nasal passage, plus all the collected mucus/pus in my sinuses aggravates my asthma and sleep apnea. Since this picture (CT scan) was taken, I believe the pus in my R maxillary sinus has decreased... I wouldn't be surprised if it had disappeared. This is because the magic Dr treated me for sinus infection and the R side of my face can actually drain, whereas the L still has problems.
I will note an interesting Cassanndre-Sinus-Migraine factoid: I can tell if a particular migraine is triggered by sinus problems because the pain is localized to the L side of my head (the side to which my septum deviates).
Fascinating, eh?
For a real lesson on sinus anatomy, see the American Rhinologic Society here.
UPDATE: on account of the crazy snow storm which hit the seattle area, my surgery on the 19th was cancelled. it is now scheduled for weds, feb 1st. :)
have any pennies for my thoughts?
So, I have a few partially-thought-out posts either in the "drafts" category of this blog or still in my head... I'm a bit surprised at myself for actually blogging often enough to have a backlog of blog posts. Who'da thunk it? (Maybe you, but certainly not me.)
Anyways, now is not the time I am going to address those. Now is the time I'm just going to talk about me as of late and some things on my mind. The three things that have been on my mind the most (in no particular order), are boys, finances, work, and my health.
Guys
I won't say much on this blog about guys (unless it's a scripturally based post like the recent "every girl's dream man"), but I will say that I like guys who know how to treat girls. I have a few new guy friends whom I really appreciate because they are kind to me- not just kinda kind, but thoughtful and go out of their way to be thoughtful. I appreciate this. I also appreciate receiving genuine compliments. I could go on and on about so many different thoughts about guys but unless you're my mom, my counselor, or one of my best friends you probably won't hear it. I hope you're not too disappointed ;)
Finances
In the past couple of months I haven't been able to work much for various reasons and that has been frustrating for me, my checkbook, and my psyche. However, I have come to be grateful for my dearth of income for it has required me to budget and track my spending better and also rely on the Lord more. He is totally providing for me- I truly do have sufficient to meet my needs! I even have sufficient for a 'want' here or there, such as buying Christmas presents for family last month, going dancing tonight with a friend, and through the generous birthday and Christmas presents of family, I am getting a new camera on Monday! (A real Canon DSLR.... I am stoked! I could go on and on about the camera but I'll save that for another time.)
I talked to my grandma on the phone today (okay, it's 2am, so technically yesterday) and commented to her that I'm really grateful for how tight my financial situation has become because it is really helping me to develop the habits I need to be financially responsible for the rest of my life. I talked about how long-term, I feel that it's more important to develop these skills than it is for me to work every day and make good money (such that I don't need to budget as much and I forget to rely on the Lord for my very bread and water). I have seen people have financial strain and I want to learn not only how to avoid it, but how to make the best of it. I also want to become an expert budget-er so that someday when I have kids I can start teaching them about it young.
I find it almost odd that I feel so grateful to be flirting with the line of being broke. I never thought I would feel that way about, well, having a lack of money haha. Money can't buy happiness- it's a well-known cliche, true, but it's well-known for good reason: it is so true. Happiness, or self-satisfaction and peace, comes from having agency: the ability to choose. When we manage our money poorly, it controls us and we become bound and lose many options. When manage our money wiself- whether we are rich or poor- we are exercising agency or power over it, and so we are in control and able to continously generate and chose options for action.
On ProvidentLiving.org's Financial Self-Reliance page, there is an awesome quote from President N. Eldon Tanner:
Work
I like being a paraeducator and I really enjoy working in special ed. It's also fun, as a substitute, to go around the district and see how different teachers run their different classrooms. Very educational for me and helpful in generating ideas for how I want to teach my own kids someday.
But the scheduling of a substitute sucks and is something that has ended up being really hard for me. It used to be good because I would work work work and then get sick and take time off no problem. And then I went to school and was able to cut way back my working hours so I could study... no problem (except a decrease in income, obviously). But now it's to the point for me that I don't really like my job. I mean, I often enjoy it when I get to wherever I'm subbing, but at the same time, I don't come home from work with a sense of satisfaction that I made a difference and stretched myself today. Usually I come home with a sense of satisfaction from simply knowing that I made money today. I don't want that out of a job and to be honest, it is not enough to get me out of bed in the morning when I don't feel well. This may be a character flaw in me, but it is the way I am (at least for the time being). Last summer I made a "bucket list" of sorts and on that list is "work in an emergency room". I think I might just pursue that. It appeals to me, I think would really enjoy the job, learn and see a lot, make decent money, and be doing something that will be good for whatever career in medicine/health care I decide to go into. I've still got more praying to do about it, but at this point I'm thinking I'll start pursuing it after I have recovered from my upcoming surgery.
Which brings me to...
Health
I have endoscopic sinus surgery scheduled for Thursday the 19th. My surgeon is going to fix my deviated septum and open up my sinuses a bit more. I am hoping that this will help cure my sleep apnea, improve my asthma, allow my sinuses to drain and therefore get rid of my chronic sinus infection, improve my migraines, and maybe even alleviate my daily headache. I'm not expecting it to fix everything or even fix any one thing all the way, but I believe (and my awesome asthma & allergy Dr believes as well) that fixing my deviated septum will improve a lot of things for me. Thus far I have just been excited for the surgery and interested in the anatomy of it all.
But now I'm getting a bit more nervous. I'm nervous about the migraine that I will assuredly get from the surgery. I'm nervous about taking painkillers and getting a horrible rebound migraine like I did last February (2010) when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I was on painkillers for a week and then as soon as I got off of them I had a migraine essentially for a week straight. It was miserable. I stayed in bed pretty much every day all day and read, watched TV on my laptop, and photoshopped. Anytime I got out of bed and stood up or moved around for more than a couple minutes, my migraine would return with an eager vengeance... The week after this constant migraine I was better, but still recovering from the physical and mental toll a migriane like that takes on a person. I essentially ended up needing a full month to recover before I could go back to working full-time. It sucked.
I'm worried that will happen again. Okay, say it does, what's the worst case scenario? I essentially have no paycheck for the month of February. Okay. That wouldn't be fun, but I believe this surgery is needed at tis time in my life and the Lord will take care of me. The lack of work may mean that some bills don't get paid or debts paid off and I don't have money to go to school in the spring, but I'll be back to work eventually and it'll be okay.
I'm also just a bit nervous about the pain itself. Normally I'm not too worried about pain... I don't know. Maybe that's not true. One thing I'm worried about is the fact that I'll have to sinus rinses after the surgery. The one time I tried doing a sinus rinse (last fall... september I think) I ended up with a migraine so horrible that I had a friend take me to urgent care. This was the second time ever in my history of migraines that I have been taken to urgent care to be treated for one. But it just hurt so badly and there was nothing I could do and I started panicking because of how surprising, strong and persistant the pain was. My awesome asthma & allergy Dr. explaind to me that this probably happened because of my deviated septum- the migraine was localised to that side of my face and it was probably triggered by my trigeminal nerve flipping out over the water I was attempting to force through my sinuses (again- couldn't drain properly or even enter properly via the left nostril due to that deviation). So hopefully with the deviated septum fixed i won't have a problem with sinus rinses. I'm really hoping that's the case cuz I'm trying not to be nervous about all of this...
Okay, so my sleep schedule is way off. Whether or not I use my CPAP I seem to be waking up after only a few hours of sleep. It used to be I'd wake up after 5hrs with the CPAP and be good to go for the day... now I'm waking up after 3 or 4 with or without it and am not good to go for the day. What the heck? For example I started writing this post at 0130 or something like that. I didn't fall asleep probably till about 3... it's now 0655 and I've been up for maybe an hour now- can't get back to sleep. I wonder if those chocolate truffles sitting on the counter which I couldn't resist when I got home around midnight have something to do with it...
and that brings us to a subcategory under health... Sugar. Which I am going to give it's own post because it deserves that.
Stay tuned.
Anyways, now is not the time I am going to address those. Now is the time I'm just going to talk about me as of late and some things on my mind. The three things that have been on my mind the most (in no particular order), are boys, finances, work, and my health.
Guys
I won't say much on this blog about guys (unless it's a scripturally based post like the recent "every girl's dream man"), but I will say that I like guys who know how to treat girls. I have a few new guy friends whom I really appreciate because they are kind to me- not just kinda kind, but thoughtful and go out of their way to be thoughtful. I appreciate this. I also appreciate receiving genuine compliments. I could go on and on about so many different thoughts about guys but unless you're my mom, my counselor, or one of my best friends you probably won't hear it. I hope you're not too disappointed ;)
Finances
In the past couple of months I haven't been able to work much for various reasons and that has been frustrating for me, my checkbook, and my psyche. However, I have come to be grateful for my dearth of income for it has required me to budget and track my spending better and also rely on the Lord more. He is totally providing for me- I truly do have sufficient to meet my needs! I even have sufficient for a 'want' here or there, such as buying Christmas presents for family last month, going dancing tonight with a friend, and through the generous birthday and Christmas presents of family, I am getting a new camera on Monday! (A real Canon DSLR.... I am stoked! I could go on and on about the camera but I'll save that for another time.)
I talked to my grandma on the phone today (okay, it's 2am, so technically yesterday) and commented to her that I'm really grateful for how tight my financial situation has become because it is really helping me to develop the habits I need to be financially responsible for the rest of my life. I talked about how long-term, I feel that it's more important to develop these skills than it is for me to work every day and make good money (such that I don't need to budget as much and I forget to rely on the Lord for my very bread and water). I have seen people have financial strain and I want to learn not only how to avoid it, but how to make the best of it. I also want to become an expert budget-er so that someday when I have kids I can start teaching them about it young.
I find it almost odd that I feel so grateful to be flirting with the line of being broke. I never thought I would feel that way about, well, having a lack of money haha. Money can't buy happiness- it's a well-known cliche, true, but it's well-known for good reason: it is so true. Happiness, or self-satisfaction and peace, comes from having agency: the ability to choose. When we manage our money poorly, it controls us and we become bound and lose many options. When manage our money wiself- whether we are rich or poor- we are exercising agency or power over it, and so we are in control and able to continously generate and chose options for action.
On ProvidentLiving.org's Financial Self-Reliance page, there is an awesome quote from President N. Eldon Tanner:
Those who structure their standard of living to allow a little surplus, control their circumstances. Those who spend a little more than they earn are controlled by their circumstances. They are in bondage”
Work
I like being a paraeducator and I really enjoy working in special ed. It's also fun, as a substitute, to go around the district and see how different teachers run their different classrooms. Very educational for me and helpful in generating ideas for how I want to teach my own kids someday.
But the scheduling of a substitute sucks and is something that has ended up being really hard for me. It used to be good because I would work work work and then get sick and take time off no problem. And then I went to school and was able to cut way back my working hours so I could study... no problem (except a decrease in income, obviously). But now it's to the point for me that I don't really like my job. I mean, I often enjoy it when I get to wherever I'm subbing, but at the same time, I don't come home from work with a sense of satisfaction that I made a difference and stretched myself today. Usually I come home with a sense of satisfaction from simply knowing that I made money today. I don't want that out of a job and to be honest, it is not enough to get me out of bed in the morning when I don't feel well. This may be a character flaw in me, but it is the way I am (at least for the time being). Last summer I made a "bucket list" of sorts and on that list is "work in an emergency room". I think I might just pursue that. It appeals to me, I think would really enjoy the job, learn and see a lot, make decent money, and be doing something that will be good for whatever career in medicine/health care I decide to go into. I've still got more praying to do about it, but at this point I'm thinking I'll start pursuing it after I have recovered from my upcoming surgery.
Which brings me to...
Health
I have endoscopic sinus surgery scheduled for Thursday the 19th. My surgeon is going to fix my deviated septum and open up my sinuses a bit more. I am hoping that this will help cure my sleep apnea, improve my asthma, allow my sinuses to drain and therefore get rid of my chronic sinus infection, improve my migraines, and maybe even alleviate my daily headache. I'm not expecting it to fix everything or even fix any one thing all the way, but I believe (and my awesome asthma & allergy Dr believes as well) that fixing my deviated septum will improve a lot of things for me. Thus far I have just been excited for the surgery and interested in the anatomy of it all.
But now I'm getting a bit more nervous. I'm nervous about the migraine that I will assuredly get from the surgery. I'm nervous about taking painkillers and getting a horrible rebound migraine like I did last February (2010) when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I was on painkillers for a week and then as soon as I got off of them I had a migraine essentially for a week straight. It was miserable. I stayed in bed pretty much every day all day and read, watched TV on my laptop, and photoshopped. Anytime I got out of bed and stood up or moved around for more than a couple minutes, my migraine would return with an eager vengeance... The week after this constant migraine I was better, but still recovering from the physical and mental toll a migriane like that takes on a person. I essentially ended up needing a full month to recover before I could go back to working full-time. It sucked.
I'm worried that will happen again. Okay, say it does, what's the worst case scenario? I essentially have no paycheck for the month of February. Okay. That wouldn't be fun, but I believe this surgery is needed at tis time in my life and the Lord will take care of me. The lack of work may mean that some bills don't get paid or debts paid off and I don't have money to go to school in the spring, but I'll be back to work eventually and it'll be okay.
I'm also just a bit nervous about the pain itself. Normally I'm not too worried about pain... I don't know. Maybe that's not true. One thing I'm worried about is the fact that I'll have to sinus rinses after the surgery. The one time I tried doing a sinus rinse (last fall... september I think) I ended up with a migraine so horrible that I had a friend take me to urgent care. This was the second time ever in my history of migraines that I have been taken to urgent care to be treated for one. But it just hurt so badly and there was nothing I could do and I started panicking because of how surprising, strong and persistant the pain was. My awesome asthma & allergy Dr. explaind to me that this probably happened because of my deviated septum- the migraine was localised to that side of my face and it was probably triggered by my trigeminal nerve flipping out over the water I was attempting to force through my sinuses (again- couldn't drain properly or even enter properly via the left nostril due to that deviation). So hopefully with the deviated septum fixed i won't have a problem with sinus rinses. I'm really hoping that's the case cuz I'm trying not to be nervous about all of this...
Okay, so my sleep schedule is way off. Whether or not I use my CPAP I seem to be waking up after only a few hours of sleep. It used to be I'd wake up after 5hrs with the CPAP and be good to go for the day... now I'm waking up after 3 or 4 with or without it and am not good to go for the day. What the heck? For example I started writing this post at 0130 or something like that. I didn't fall asleep probably till about 3... it's now 0655 and I've been up for maybe an hour now- can't get back to sleep. I wonder if those chocolate truffles sitting on the counter which I couldn't resist when I got home around midnight have something to do with it...
and that brings us to a subcategory under health... Sugar. Which I am going to give it's own post because it deserves that.
Stay tuned.
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