03 July 2008
Goals
So, there's this 90 Days Goals group that I am doing. You can see the post on my goals. I think this will be a really good thing for me. I'll put updates on here every once in awhile. :)
18 June 2008
backwards superstition, hearts, and some other thoughts
As of today, it's been one year since Roo passed away.
It's hard to believe it. It seems ike it's been such a long time... and yet a year really is quite short. I am an age she will never be. I have done, and will continue to do things, she will never do.
Perhaps there is a goal in life to see how much of our hearts we can give away. What good does our own heart do the world if we keep it to ourselves? But if we give pieces of it to different people, then when we part ways, those people still carry a part of our hearts. We may feel a pain at that piece being carried far away, but it would be good to remember also that we ourselves recieve portions of other peoples' hearts in return... perhaps with those pieces we are given, we can reconstruct our own, so that our heart becomes a patchwork quilt of the lives we have touched and have been touched by.
That idea sounds good to me. It sounds somewhat romantic, and probably a bit silly. Nonetheless, I like it.
I do not hurt for Roo herself-- she is happy, I am sure-- but rather I hurt for the missing of her. For the time I have spent and will have to spend without her. She has a sizeable chunk of my heart. In return, however, she has nestled herself a tender spot in mine.
That is how it should be, I think. By the end of our lives, our hearts will reflect so much about us. The condition of our hearts will reflect the choices we've made. I think also, though, that how much of our hearts we have given away will be important. And we will hold very dearly (treasure) the pieces of other peoples' hearts given to us.
So, what do you call this day? An anniversary of death? But I recognize it to celebrate a life...
Last Friday was the 7th anniversary of Roo's bone marrow transplant. She recieved the transplant in June of the year 2000 on Friday the 13th. She did things her own way, and where Friday the 13th was concerned, she was superstitious backwards: she considered it a lucky day. That specific day was definately a special one, with a solid miracle.
I wanted to do something special on these days, to remember Roo by. Well, I had a Red Cross appointment today to start volunteering... does that count? Eh, I don't think so much. However, a week from this Friday I'll job shadow at Children's in the oncology ward. So it's not on the 13th or 18th- it's coming up, and I'm excited. I just hope I won't get emotional or anything. I did fine in the Ped's ICU... but then again, I didn't interact much with kids that reminded me of Roo. We'll see how it goes. And-- if I come home at the end of the day and bawl, that's just fine. Every once in a while, a good bawl is called for. I think it has something to do with the heart.
So, Roo... here are some thoughts for you. Thank you for being a sister to me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for your patience with me. Understanding, sympathy, and empathy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and most of all- your heart-, with me. Thank you for helping me to grow. And thank you for the mark you left on me which will be with me throughout the entire rest of my life. In this way, you are still in my life, and I in yours, I'm sure. I pray for you often, and think of you even more. I hope for your happiness, and for the happiness of those dear to you. You continue to be an amazing example to me, and a cherished friend.
God be with you till we meet again. :)
Love,
~Cassanndre
It's hard to believe it. It seems ike it's been such a long time... and yet a year really is quite short. I am an age she will never be. I have done, and will continue to do things, she will never do.
Perhaps there is a goal in life to see how much of our hearts we can give away. What good does our own heart do the world if we keep it to ourselves? But if we give pieces of it to different people, then when we part ways, those people still carry a part of our hearts. We may feel a pain at that piece being carried far away, but it would be good to remember also that we ourselves recieve portions of other peoples' hearts in return... perhaps with those pieces we are given, we can reconstruct our own, so that our heart becomes a patchwork quilt of the lives we have touched and have been touched by.
That idea sounds good to me. It sounds somewhat romantic, and probably a bit silly. Nonetheless, I like it.
I do not hurt for Roo herself-- she is happy, I am sure-- but rather I hurt for the missing of her. For the time I have spent and will have to spend without her. She has a sizeable chunk of my heart. In return, however, she has nestled herself a tender spot in mine.
That is how it should be, I think. By the end of our lives, our hearts will reflect so much about us. The condition of our hearts will reflect the choices we've made. I think also, though, that how much of our hearts we have given away will be important. And we will hold very dearly (treasure) the pieces of other peoples' hearts given to us.
So, what do you call this day? An anniversary of death? But I recognize it to celebrate a life...
Last Friday was the 7th anniversary of Roo's bone marrow transplant. She recieved the transplant in June of the year 2000 on Friday the 13th. She did things her own way, and where Friday the 13th was concerned, she was superstitious backwards: she considered it a lucky day. That specific day was definately a special one, with a solid miracle.
I wanted to do something special on these days, to remember Roo by. Well, I had a Red Cross appointment today to start volunteering... does that count? Eh, I don't think so much. However, a week from this Friday I'll job shadow at Children's in the oncology ward. So it's not on the 13th or 18th- it's coming up, and I'm excited. I just hope I won't get emotional or anything. I did fine in the Ped's ICU... but then again, I didn't interact much with kids that reminded me of Roo. We'll see how it goes. And-- if I come home at the end of the day and bawl, that's just fine. Every once in a while, a good bawl is called for. I think it has something to do with the heart.
So, Roo... here are some thoughts for you. Thank you for being a sister to me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for your patience with me. Understanding, sympathy, and empathy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and most of all- your heart-, with me. Thank you for helping me to grow. And thank you for the mark you left on me which will be with me throughout the entire rest of my life. In this way, you are still in my life, and I in yours, I'm sure. I pray for you often, and think of you even more. I hope for your happiness, and for the happiness of those dear to you. You continue to be an amazing example to me, and a cherished friend.
God be with you till we meet again. :)
Love,
~Cassanndre
12 June 2008
the happy little slugbug
A conversation with a friend of mine got me thinking....
He said-- "some people are very intelligent with the match tendency to doubt and criticize. Such a person is powerful, but with powerful engines, requires a lot of fuel to maintain a happy amount of energy. A smaller engine, may not see or know much, but is quite happy in ignorance of all things, and requires little fuel to sustain"and I said okay i guess, but I didn't like the idea that the little guy was happier just because he didn't know any better.
So, I'm thinking, what if there are levels? What there's the little slugbug level where he's happy just because he doesn't know any better. Then there's the SUV level or whatever where he's having a harder time being happy 'cuz he's learned some stuff. What if after that there's another level (um.... anologie [too late to splele that word!] difficulty-- airplane????), where the guy has learned even more, but because of that finds it easy to be happy.
I guess that's what I disliked about the little car being the happy one-- Knowledge should make us happy. Or rather, the more Truth we know, the happier we will be because, honestly, the Eternal Truths are pretty awesome, exciting things. They shouldn't get us down.If all we know is getting us down, perhaps we're not seeking after or focusing on the right knowledge...or something like that.
18 May 2008
jumping into a rabbit hole and letting go of the wheel
"Question: how does a girl who falls- no, actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: she doesn't."
Okay, so, some things to get out of my mind...
Firstly, today's Sunday...
I've noticed a focus on integrity today in my lessons at church. It was good for me- refreshing; edifying; etc. One of those days when pretty much everything you hear seems to be directed directly at you (thank you God).
watched a movie that maybe i shouldn't have watched-- esp. on sunday
and yet it's making me think
because it's one of those that would be a pretty good ice cream... if it weren't for all the bugs in it.
i went on a walk with three of my bestest friends-- so fun.
almost... well, we won't go there, but someone did honk at me.... yikes.
I had a dream in which a Fish was telling me about 1 Peter chapter 1. So I read it. There's some good stuff there. Among other things, I learned that obedience (to our Heavenly Father) increases our ability to love. Awesome. I love the scriptures. And dreams. And dreamy guest stars...
So, there are things I'm wondering and would like to get straightened out in my mind... but I'm remembering the Guidance-- take it easy about those things for another month; focus on what really needs to be focused on right now, and then figure out those other things. Prepare yourself in the meantime.
And so, the questions, I will think about a bit, make my peace with for now, and work out the answers when the time is right.
Sounds like a plan, Stan. (Who is this "Stan" anyway?)
Okay, time to do bedtime (and pre-bedtime) stuff.... like dishes.
Tomorrow's a doctor's appointment. I want to swear off triptans.... we'll see what the doctor says.
It's time to say my prayers and go to sleep.
TTFN. :)
"You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."
"I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't."
(the qoutes are from that little black book movie; pictures are from google searches- gotta love google)
09 May 2008
some favorite qoutes
Because I decided to change my "about me" on facebook (shorten it) and that means I need to store these awesome qoutes somewhere....
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
- Albert Einstein
(with a redneck accent) "This book here is a part of me; it counts as my own flesh and blood!" -Marianne
(me and marianne)
-(qouting bertrand russell) "In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."
-telephone? carpet?? ...
"Live your life as though there is great joy to be experienced... an abundance of goodness in each person you come in contact with, and the knowledge that you have enough inner wisdom to answer the mysteries that challenge you." -Meladee McCarty
"Those who truly understand love know it must be basically simple, continuing, and sincere." ~Marvin J Ashton
♫ “Patience … helps us to realize that while we may be ready to move on, having had enough of a particular learning experience, our continuing presence is often a needed part of the learning environment of others.” -Neal A Maxwell
♫ "For now, we simply concentrate on … what we have been asked to do today.” -Dallin H Oaks
♫ "Indecision may or may not be my problem." -Jimmy Buffett
"Dressing like a bum is one thing; dressing like a hungover bum is another entirely." -Rob
"If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?" -Laurence J Peter
"Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal." -unknown (qouted by pres. monson)
“Don’t save something only for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion.” -unknown (qouted by pres monson)
"Marianne has her awesome Pride and Prejudice force" -Mary
"You must dare to disassociate yourself from those who would delay your journey... Leave, depart, if not physically, then mentally. Go your own way, quietly, undramatically, and venture toward trueness at last." -Vernon Howard (its beautiful!)
"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." --teddy roosevelt
"Hi God! Let's talk about boys!" -Mary
"I am Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios!" -Christine
"...we are born again by degrees, and we are born again to added light and added knowledge and added desires for righteousness as we keep the commandments.” -Bruce R. McConkie
"The Atonement of Jesus Christ and the healing it offers do much more than provide the opportunity for repentance from sins. The Atonement also gives us the strength to endure 'pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind,' because our Savior also took upon Him 'the pains and the sicknesses of his people' (Alma 7:11). Brothers and sisters, if your faith and prayers and the power of the priesthood do not heal you from an affliction, the power of the Atonement will surely give you the strength to bear the burden."
-Dallin H. Oaks
"How's it feel to be 18?!"
"well, I'm not 18 for another 10 minutes..."
"If facebook has updated your age, then your 18" -Coral & me
"you only liked him because if you stuck him in the right light, you could see through him" -peter
"I'm a little worried- it has an unusual smell radiating from it..." -mary about her soup concoction
"I want hominy in my hamburger!" -bro chesley
"Are you anything akin to me, do you think, Jane? ... Because... I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you — especially when you are near to me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous Channel, and two hundred miles or so of land, come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapped; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly." (Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre)
"Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God's feet, equal — as we are!" (Jane from Jane Eyre)
"You have to understand that the pursuit of happiness is a mistake. It's like, you don't chase happiness out there. You learn that you're happy inside you, and then you go running." -some guy qouting some other guy
"I was a little afraid because I thought he was a mental [asylum] escapee and he wouldn't hand me my soap!" -mary
"Welcome to real life, Cassanndre, where we have ceilings and roofs. ... It's a ceiling, and to people on the other side, it's a roof!" -Marianne
"There's no smell!" -me, apparently, a year ago
"We are without a lack of no no smell" -me, also, but not a year ago
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
- Albert Einstein
(with a redneck accent) "This book here is a part of me; it counts as my own flesh and blood!" -Marianne
(me and marianne)
-(qouting bertrand russell) "In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."
-telephone? carpet?? ...
"Live your life as though there is great joy to be experienced... an abundance of goodness in each person you come in contact with, and the knowledge that you have enough inner wisdom to answer the mysteries that challenge you." -Meladee McCarty
"Those who truly understand love know it must be basically simple, continuing, and sincere." ~Marvin J Ashton
♫ “Patience … helps us to realize that while we may be ready to move on, having had enough of a particular learning experience, our continuing presence is often a needed part of the learning environment of others.” -Neal A Maxwell
♫ "For now, we simply concentrate on … what we have been asked to do today.” -Dallin H Oaks
♫ "Indecision may or may not be my problem." -Jimmy Buffett
"Dressing like a bum is one thing; dressing like a hungover bum is another entirely." -Rob
"If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?" -Laurence J Peter
"Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal." -unknown (qouted by pres. monson)
“Don’t save something only for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion.” -unknown (qouted by pres monson)
"Marianne has her awesome Pride and Prejudice force" -Mary
"You must dare to disassociate yourself from those who would delay your journey... Leave, depart, if not physically, then mentally. Go your own way, quietly, undramatically, and venture toward trueness at last." -Vernon Howard (its beautiful!)
"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." --teddy roosevelt
"Hi God! Let's talk about boys!" -Mary
"I am Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios!" -Christine
"...we are born again by degrees, and we are born again to added light and added knowledge and added desires for righteousness as we keep the commandments.” -Bruce R. McConkie
"The Atonement of Jesus Christ and the healing it offers do much more than provide the opportunity for repentance from sins. The Atonement also gives us the strength to endure 'pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind,' because our Savior also took upon Him 'the pains and the sicknesses of his people' (Alma 7:11). Brothers and sisters, if your faith and prayers and the power of the priesthood do not heal you from an affliction, the power of the Atonement will surely give you the strength to bear the burden."
-Dallin H. Oaks
"How's it feel to be 18?!"
"well, I'm not 18 for another 10 minutes..."
"If facebook has updated your age, then your 18" -Coral & me
"you only liked him because if you stuck him in the right light, you could see through him" -peter
"I'm a little worried- it has an unusual smell radiating from it..." -mary about her soup concoction
"I want hominy in my hamburger!" -bro chesley
"Are you anything akin to me, do you think, Jane? ... Because... I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you — especially when you are near to me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous Channel, and two hundred miles or so of land, come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapped; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly." (Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre)
"Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God's feet, equal — as we are!" (Jane from Jane Eyre)
"You have to understand that the pursuit of happiness is a mistake. It's like, you don't chase happiness out there. You learn that you're happy inside you, and then you go running." -some guy qouting some other guy
"I was a little afraid because I thought he was a mental [asylum] escapee and he wouldn't hand me my soap!" -mary
"Welcome to real life, Cassanndre, where we have ceilings and roofs. ... It's a ceiling, and to people on the other side, it's a roof!" -Marianne
"There's no smell!" -me, apparently, a year ago
"We are without a lack of no no smell" -me, also, but not a year ago
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