on page 328 in On Writing: A Process Reader by Wendy Bishop, Toby Fulwiler says that in doing a revision of an essay one should focus more on action, dialogue, detail, and minimizing summary and judgements.
Cassànndrè Sager
Whetham Engl 110
Fulwiler’s Revision Sequence
12 November 2006
5:20 and the alarm buzzes at me like a bee. I swat at it, successfully gaining myself a few more minutes of snoozing time. 5:40 and I hear my brother in the shower. I should probably get up. A few minutes later I’m eating breakfast and reading my scriptures. Then pulling my clothes on and negotiating with my belt to buckle in the right spot. Grab my bag, my flute, my water, a quick glance at the mirror, and I’m out the door- still wishing Mom would let me drive to the church. Oh well, at least I get “shotgun”.
Arrive at the church and it’s 6:20. I’m late. Again. I get out of the car and join the ten or so other students spilling into the church foyer and joining the pool of students standing and chatting there.
“Hi Cassànndrè…” Courtney says almost shyly, but I know better than to believe she is.
“Hey Courtney! Christine! Why aren’t you two in class yet, huh?”
“’cuz I don’t feel like it yet!!” I give Christine “the look” in response. “I’ll be there in a moment!!!” She exasperates, sounding defeated.
I nod at students from other classrooms, saying hello to some, on my way to my classroom. Past the stairs, the restroom, the drinking fountain…. There’s the door. Grab the handle and slowly open while peeking through the crack. Are they saying prayer? No. Good. I open the door the rest of the way and hesitantly step inside, keeping my hand steadily on the door as it closes- I don’t want to be too much of a distraction. I head to my seat, sit down, take out my “triple-combo” (book containing three different sets of scripture. A “quad” has for sets of scripture in it- including the Bible), pen, paper, and water bottle. I then grab the hymn book and turn to the right page and fumble while trying to sing the alto line for a certain song. Marianne turns back to look at me and I can tell from her glare that she’s thinking to me, “you’re flat!!!” Get over it, Marianne. Of course I’m flat. I’m always flat. You know this. So move on already!! Gosh…. The student attempting to conduct the music at the head of the room finishes spelling his name in the air in cursive and tries to make the end look like he really is ending the song. He grabs his scriptures and opens to a random page (this is an interpretation of one’s assignment of giving the daily “spiritual thought”), finds a verse of scripture that has been marked by himself sometime ago. He reads it out loud, and stumbles through some sort of explanation of what the verse is getting at and what it means to him.
“Uh… the spiritual thought today is on James ….. er, one…. Five…. ‘If any of you lack wisdom… let him ask of God… that giveth to all men .... literary…. No, literally?.... oh, thanks, Josh… liberally and …. What Michael? Oh, upbraid… eth not…. And it shall be given… him.’” A pause. The class looks at him as he shifts his weight…. “Um… this scripture is an important one…. ‘cuz, um, if we ever like have a question about something about the church or school or whatever… yeah, we can ask God about it… and he won’t um…. Upbraid us… which is nice, ‘cuz I don’t have enough hair for a braid anyhow. Um… Amen.” And then the opening prayer is started.
TIME-OUT!! Are you confused, Reader? Where are we, you ask. A church. Make sense, can I go on with my story yet? No? Fine, what’s your next question. Why the heck are we at a church at six thirty in the morning on a weekday? (I actually didn’t tell you about the weekday part, reader, I forgot that detail, so I’ll tell you now. It’s a weekday. Doesn’t matter which one, really… just a weekday.) Oh, so is that why you’re confused, Reader? We’re at seminary. Okay, there I answered your question, let’s go. What? You mean to say that you don’t know what seminary is? That’s weird… Oh well, I guess I can explain it to you. Every morning on weekdays I wake up at this time and go through the above ritual to attend seminary. Seminary takes place in the church because it is a church class the high school students of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It’s like a Sunday School class, except for the fact that it’s not on Sundays. I learn about my religion, the scriptures, and Church history at seminary. There, is that better now? Can I go on with my story, now? Oh good, thank you so very much. Okay, where was I? Oh, right. ACTION!!
“Today,” Sister Utterback tells us “we are studying ‘D and C’ sections 35, 36, and part of 37. That’s a lot to cover, so pay attention everyone, okay? Spencer… pay attention. Thank you. Yes, you too Derek. Thank you, David.” Many of the class members are chatting quietly while Sister Utterback delivers her lesson. I shoot them an evil glare here and there, somewhat reminiscent of my freshman days when I really was perturbed by their babble. Now it doesn’t bother me much, just as long as it doesn’t get out of hand and I can still concentrate on the lesson.
In all truthfulness, the students aren’t that bad. They participate in the lesson. “What do you think is being said right here?” Says Sister Utterback. A few students raise their hands and volunteer answers. “Good. Can you think of any ways that you can relate to what happened in this scripture?” We all think very hard (except for the couple students that are sleeping very hard), but most of us come up empty, and those of us that don’t are too shy to offer our opinion. Sister Utterback volunteers her own example of how (for example) her sons were like Nephi and Laman and Lemuel, with one son eager to do the chores asked of him, while the other two sons complained and continued to watch cartoons. (In the story with Nephi, Laman, and Lemuel, Nephi went and did what his father asked him to do, while Laman and Lemuel basically sat on their butts complaining about having to do soo much that they really didn’t care about and didn’t see a point to doing.) “What are things that each of us can do to be more like Nephi and less like Laman and Lemuel?” She is standing at the whiteboard, pen in hand, ready to write down whatever answers we produce. We know some answers- the answers that are normally given to questions in church like these. The answers are colloquially referred to as the “Mormon Standard Answers”. Read your scriptures, says one student. Pray every day, says another. Go to church every Sunday. Go to seminary!!! (This answer gets a look of appraise from the teacher.) Listen to my parents. Listen to the prophets. Choose the right (the teacher just writes down “CTR” on the whiteboard for this one).
The class ends with a prayer, and I go throughout my day thinking about Nephi, and remembering what Sister Utterback said about being like Nephi, not like Laman and Lemuel.
I walk from the church to the high school, where I go for orchestra first period and to be a peer tutor second period. I then walk home from school and get on the computer. Time for my college classes.
I type in the password to actually use the computer. My step-dad is very protective of his computer, and more-so of us, his kids. He doesn’t want us getting on the internet and accessing inappropriate material, so he locks the computer when he doesn’t want us going on. I happen to have a password that will get me logged on, but with minimal “security clearance” online- basically, my online activity is severely restricted. However, that doesn’t bother me much, because everything that is restricted I don’t surf for anyhow.
Open up Internet Explorer. Thinking of a friend of mine who hates Windows and who calls Internet Explorer, “the evil blue ‘E’”. What a silly boy. F6 takes me to the URL address field. Greenriver.blackboard.com I type, with what I would like to feel is lightning-quick speed. Login. And Now I’m at college.
My English class offers the most peer interacting opportunities of my three classes. In Pyschology we are enoucarged to interact in the student interaction section, however barely anyone does. In my history, the only possible interaction would be to reply to other peoples’ discussion posts. (Which aren’t really necessarily discussion-type of posts, that’s just what they’re called. They’re basically just responses to a discussion-type of prompt.) However, in English, there are many activities that require interaction with the other students. I enjoy this, actually- it is a nice change of pace to me. Many times I don’t like the effort of such assignments as peer reviews, but I do appreciate the oppurtunites to get to know the other students through reading their work. It is a very peculiar thing- what you discover about people through their writing.
Jen says it’s time for another crappy rough draft. Jen is the teacher. If I were in high school I’d be calling her Ms. Whetham; in seminary it would be Sister Whetham; but here in college, she says to call her Jen, and so I am on a first name basis with a teacher I have never met.
I write about very personal things in this class sometimes. Especially in my freewrites and in this essay. Yes, this essay especially is a difficulty for me. Why? Well, I suppose the fact that I’m writing about seminary makes it difficult. You see, feelings about my religion come easily for expression surrounded by church members. However, even with other church members around, it is rather difficult for me to articulate these ideas and feelings, while still trying to be curteous to others’ beliefs and slightly aloof emotionally, so as to not cause anyone uncomfort at the intensity of my religious “ferocity” or whatever. I have a stigma- do not discuss church topics in school. The fact that I have “church” spelled all over this paper is an interesting thing for me. Quite a change. Not orthodox.
So, Jen says to work on our crappy rough drafts. The only things is, she doesn’t say “crappy”. She uses tha awful “s-word”, which is okay, because I’m sure it’s not a bad thing to her, but to me, however, it is out of place. Little things like that are big differences to me. I am so used to polite and curteous young men to interact with. When I begin to regularly set foot on the college campus, will the men/young men there be curteous? Or will they just continue babbling about sex and breasts as do most high school boys? I am preparing myself so that I will not be surprised when I enter on to the college campus.
I am sitting at the computer typing typing typing. I have been reading today and doing chores. It is late and I am tired and hoping that my state of conciousness will not affect my writing too severely. As soon as I finish this essay, or essay revision (whichever), I will submit the work to my English class online. And look, I’m done. So now it’s time to copy and paste.
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