a sobering truth, and hope

My step-dad's career is in Emergency Management. As a result, he gets some pretty interesting training. He's had medical training, gone to "bomb camp" (learned how devastating IED's can be and how to deal with them), and this week had some training concerning terrorism. He commented to me on how today they had shown him some pretty sobering videos. One was a terrorist attack targeting elementary aged students.
Another was a five year-old boy talking about how he couldn't wait to grow up. Pretty normal, right? Except that this little boy wasn't excited about being able to drive, not having chores, becoming president, having money, or getting to do whatever he wanted, like most five year-olds I know are. This little boy (from somewhere on the other side of the world) couldn't wait to grow up because then he could help kill Jews and Americans.
What can you say to that?
How do you fight that level of indoctrination?
Can it be fought?
For me, it brings to mind the flood.

And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually....The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for th earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. -Genesis 6:5,7,11-13

In the third chapter of 2 Timothy Paul talks about the last days- our days:

This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.... men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof...

Nephi talked about it:

But, behold, in the last days, or in the days of the Gentiles—yea, behold all the nations of the Gentiles and also the Jews, both those who shall come upon this land and those who shall be upon other lands, yea, even upon all the lands of the earth, behold, they will be drunken with iniquity and all manner of abominations—

Mormon talked about how the earth would be in our days as well:

And it shall come in a day when the blood of saints shall cry unto the Lord, because of secret combinations and the works of darkness. Yea, it shall come in a day when the power of God shall be denied, and churches become defiled and be lifted up in the pride of their hearts; yea, even in a day when leaders of churches and teachers shall rise in the pride of their hearts, even to the envying of them who belong to their churches. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be heard of fires, and tempests, and vapors of smoke in foreign lands; And there shall also be heard of wars, rumors of wars, and earthquakes in divers places. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth; there shall be murders, and robbing, and lying, and deceivings, and whoredoms, and all manner of abominations; when there shall be many who will say, Do this, or do that, and it mattereth not, for the Lord will uphold such at the last. But wo unto such, for they are in the gall of bitterness and in the bonds of iniquity. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be churches built up that shall say: Come unto me, and for your money you shall be forgiven of your sins.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said,

Just as foretold, our days are fast resembling the days of Noah, especially notable for their pattern of corruption and violence.

The difference between our day and Noah's? God will not send a flood this time. It will get worse and worse until the coming of the Savior. (Mathew 24:37)
I remember talking in seminary about why God sent the flood. Sure, everyone was pretty darn wicked and such, but was that really a cause for destroying almost every single human being on the earth? If God is a God of love, then why would He wipe everyone out? At the bottom of Genesis 8 in my Bible, I have written a(nother) quote from Neal A. Maxwell, concerning the flood:

God intervened when corruption reached an agency disrupting point.

Basically, the people of Noah's time had gotten so wicked that it was impossible for free agency to remain intact. Such is the case today, as exhibited by that little boy I mentioned. He is being indoctrinated at such a young age that there is little hope of him ever believing anything other than what he has now learned. His ability to discern right from wrong has been severed in a manner which seriously disrupts his ability to use his free agency.
How sad! How tragic to have one's life so ripped away- not by death, but by wickedness.
But God isn't going to intervene this time like He did before. He has restored His Gospel to the Earth. It is up to us to reach out and teach people- to give them a chance at living their lives happily, instead of being consumed by the wickedness that dominates today. Yet, it is still a sad fact that many people will live out their lives with untapped agency, and thus happiness.
How glad I am for the second Article of Faith, which states that "men will be punished for their own sins," For this I am thankful. Our little boy still has a chance at happiness in life after death.
There is still hope, no matter how wicked the world becomes.

jon arbuckle has migraines....

From the lovely Garfield Minus Garfield website.

some awesome qoutes

The ultimate defining fact for all of us is that we are children of Heavenly Parents, born on this earth for a purpose, and born with a divine destiny. Whenever any of those other notions, whatever they may be, gets in the way of that ultimate defining fact, then it is destructive and it leads us down the wrong path.

Dallin H Oaks

Patience … helps us to realize that while we may be ready to move on, having had enough of a particular learning experience, our continuing presence is often a needed part of the learning environment of others.

Neal A Maxwell

For now, we simply concentrate on … what we have been asked to do today.

Dallin H Oaks

Mr. Devil, shut up.

Heber J Grant

because i am just awesome like that

95 words

Speedtest

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Thanks to EE.

update:

104 words
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this feeling is peace

There's a lot to be grateful for. On my mind at the moment are xenox, my parents, peace(think this song), and eternal truths.

This morning I struggled. I knew I needed to feel the Spirit. I needed the guidance and comfort. I was feeling anxious, and just couldn't shake the feeling. Anxiety has a way of clouding one's mind. It keeps out comfort, guidance, enlightenment- all things that would offer peace. I took my mom up on her offer to take a xenox- not something I do regularly, mind you, but I believe I was having a bit of a panic attack, and in the interest of getting the anxiety enough out of the way for me to be able to accept the peace that Heavenly Father can give, I decided it was worth it.
Church is wonderful. The atmosphere, people, and sense of community are a part of that, but even more- the gospel truths being taught at church are wonderful. The guidance and comfort that can be obtained there are nothing short of amazing. I absolutely love how it causes me to refocus on the important things, and, more specifically, on truths.
Eternal truths are another amazing thing. To think that behind the endless expanse that is the universe, there exist orders and laws that govern not only the motion of the planets, but provide a means to pure and eternal happiness- what joy! What sweet and wonderful, blissful joy.
Just as breathtaking is the fact that we, dust of the Earth that we are, can know and reap the blessings of these truths. Our loving Father in Heaven speaks to us today through prophets so that we may know the truths necessary to our eternal salvation, progression and happiness. I am nothing short of amazed and grateful.
On a more personal note, my parents are wonderful. Sure, I disagree with them about some things (media preferences &c), I may roll my eyes at them from time to time (and sometimes may even be almost justified in it), but when it comes down to it, they are nothing short of amazing, admirable, spiritual, and loving people. They are parents I am glad and grateful to have. Their testimonies, their common sense, ability to teach and lead our family, and their love leaves me with a smile on my face, tears in my eyes, and a sappy warm feeling in my heart. I watch them handle the critical things, and find them not wanting, but excelling. In that- what I think the most necessary parental quality next only to love- I hope to emulate them. For that, I am grateful to them.

Isn't peace an interesting thing? I woke up this morning feeling anxious, and probably got to the point where I was suffering a mild panic attack. None of the things that caused me anxiety this morning have been resolved. Despite this, I feel peace- a quiet reassurance that everything will be alright and I need not worry so much, but trust in my Father.

All may not be right with the world, but I am at peace with it.

the medicine of friendship

I woke up this morning thankfully sans migraine, but unfortunately not sans anything else. Nausea was there, but what I noticed most was the mental and physical feeling of pure fatigue. My muscles felt more than just tired or sore. I felt as if my body were missing some substance which kept it from wilting, for I felt as if I were, indeed wilting.
I'm pretty certain that I've been struggling a bit with my depression. I'm glad I recognize it. I think the fatigue can be blamed partly on some depression. I've had a growing disinterest, or apathy, for things which I normally have a high amount of energy and concern for.
I think I might be trying so hard to not stress out about school that I have become a bit apathetic towards it. Towards my future. Towards my religion. My music. I have even begun to feel apathy towards my friends from time to time. It might be because it's easier to be apathetic than it is to worry overmuch.
But I digress-- I was not feeling well today. Physically I was exhausted, mentally I was foggy at best, and emotionally I was depressed. I felt that feeling of hopelessness weighing on me, even as I dared to hope for little things.
Usually I hope for comfort and company. I miss my friends a great deal.
I played some solitaire (spider- the best kind), hoping to distract myself. I practiced my flute- hoping that playing would get some emotion out, and release the pressure pent up inside my chest. I was texting a friend, trying to figure out when I'd get to see him next. I felt as if I were in a fog of apathetic depression (or would it be depressed apathy??).
Such was my state when the lovely Christine called. Just to say hi. She had plans for the evening with a friend of ours, and I found myself interested... I wanted to see them both. I didn't care so much what we were doing, but the thought of their company thrilled me. I think I may very well have been craving the interaction.
I got ready quickly and was picked up, and off we went. The evening didn't go as I thought it might have-- we did (and didn't do) things I hadn't expected. It didn't matter though. There was conversation- both silly and serious, inane and meaningful. My brain clicked on. By the time I got home (at least a couple hours later than anticipated), my mind felt so much clearer, and my heart so much lighter.
The evening wasn't easy. We did a lot, and talked a lot.
And yet, I came home happy. With a hope in my heart that I may just be able to do things again. That I may be able to live again.
It was good to get out of the house.
It was great to be in the company of dear friends.
It is wonderful to feel rejuvenated.

I am Jane Bennett...

... at least sometimes.
Jane was thought indifferent to Bingley because she wasn't overly demonstrative of her affections for him.
Do people think me, at times, indifferent because I am not overly demonstrative?
I think that may very well be a possibility. I can be very conservative with my affections. Why is that? Is it caution? Fear? Out of propriety? Shyness? Or is it simply inexperience or insecurity?
What would happen if I amde an effort to be more demonstrative of my affections for those daer to me? Would it frighten or unsettle them? Or would it merely endear me to them, and them to me all the more.
I'm willing to give it a try.

sitting waiting wishing

The Church's Worldwide Leardership Training Meeting was excellent. I'm glad I went. There were many things that stood out to me there. Perhaps I'll go back through my notes later and post the ones with the nifty little asterisk beside them.
The feeling I had in the wee hours of the morning is still there, but in a different form, I suppose. Be up. Wait. I fought off sleep last night for it. Will I do the same tonight? It's warm and fuzzy and feels like it's pushing my chest outward. If it didn't feel right, I'd chalk it up to anxiety.
I'm glad I went to the meeting. We'll see what happens with the other.

a tap on the shoulder

It's nearly two o'clock in the morning. And I'm awake. Why? I am tired. I was getting ready to fall asleep. Open up my scriptures, read a bit, say a prayer, and then off into sleep land with me. So why am I not there?
Perhaps because I had this thought cross my head, and it went something like, "you should be on the computer right now". I thought, "wha-?". But, nonetheless, here I am. Maybe you'll even get some sleep typing out of me. That always proves interesting.
Until we get there, shall I write? What about? I'm going to stay on until I feel like it's a good idea to go back to bed. I don't know how long that will be, but it's annoying that it's not right now.

I get promptings. More often than I realize, I'm sure. There are instances when I've ignored those promptings and regretted it. There are many more instances, I believe, where I've listened to them and found them extremely beneficial.
I feel silly about it sometimes. I think, "what if it's just my overactive imagination again?" (I can be very imaginative, let me tell you...). Despite doubts, I usually act on it, because I'd rather risk making a fool of myself than ignore an important prompting.
So, just in case this is an important prompting, I am online. After two am (yich). If it's just my imagination, well, then I'll feel a little sleep deprived later on today and maybe even a little silly. But at least I'll know that had it really been a prompting, I would have followed it.

new year's resolutions?- a month late...

Haha.... okay... so today wasn't the best resolution following-through day. I think, tho, that I am going to continue to try and push myself. I really do need to find out what my limits are.
So, resolutions-
Get dressed every day by 2pm.
Go out and jog that one blog every day, eventually extending it and going faster.
Yoga. At least 30 min 3x/wk.
Do homework every day.
Get my room cleaned (and put those tempting novels on a shelf).
Give myself time limits- for leisure, homework, etc.
Practice my flute at least 3x a week.
Read scriptures. Every day.

That's it for now. Those are pretty doable, I think.
OK, later.


Oh, by the by, I discovered the nifty Hindi transliteration feature. Check it out!
माय नेम इस कास्संन्द्रे, ऎंड थिस इस माय ब्लोग। निफ्टी, एह? इ विष इ अच्तुअल्ली क्नेव हिन्दी, 'कज थें इ कोउल्ड रीड थिस स्तुफ्फ़... और रठेर, अच्तुअल्ली राइट रियल हिन्दी वोर्ड्स इन्स्टाद ऑफ़ ट्रांस्लितेरातिंग सिल्ली इंग्लिश ओंस। ओह वेल्ल... आईटी स्टील लूक्स कूल। :)

testing testing update

Obviously, I am going to bed later than intended.
I got things done. I even attempted to study (my youngest sister rendered that pretty much impossible). I practiced my flute a little bit (mostly to keep myself from strangling said sister). I took a nap somewhere in there. I got some things done. I started on my room. I don't feel too bad, but I also don't feel too tired.
I'm thinking not-so-much on seminary and school tomorrow. I think I'll stay home and push myself to get things done here. I'm pushing myself, but I don't think I'm quite ready to push myself that much.
So, stand by for a post tomorrow night/Thursday morning.
This is Cassanndre, signing off. :)

testing, testing, 1,2,3...

I have been cowed by being sick for awhile now. Really. I have stopped doing things at the limitations I have observed. I have erred strongly on the side of caution.
Maybe it's time to try erring on the other side a bit.
I need to not feel depressed about being sick. I recognize the depression, and fight it, but honestly- the best way to fight it isn't by going around in circles in my head, but by doing something.
I need to push my limitations. I need to see not just where they currently lie, but where they could, with some work, eventually lie.
I don't know what I can do, and I believe that learning to cope with chronic illness is becoming intimately acquainted with what one can and cannot do.
So, I'm going to have a practice run. Starting after I finish this post.
From this moment until Thursday morning, I am going to push myself.
What's the worst that can happen? I could throw up? Been there, done that; a couple more times doesn't make a difference. I could get a migraine? Yeah, vacationed frequently there, too. It's nothing new. It might suck, but I've dealt with it before and I can deal with it again.
And so, I am going to clean my room. I am going to put the romance novels and sundry on a shelf- not to be touched when ill, but when I have accomplished something.
I will be in bed by ten o'clock. If I think I might need, I'll take a sleeping pill at 8:30. I will wake up at 4:30 and go to seminary and school. I will come home and get things done. I will, once again, be in bed by ten o'clock.
I will take Thursday as a personal day, and evaluate how things went and what I learned.
I will pace myself, but I am also going to push.
What does a little pain matter?
I guess we'll find out.
So that's my resolution. Posted on the world wide web, for anyone who actually looks at my blog to read.
Great, now if I don't follow through it'll be more than just me that knows.
A nice incentive, I suppose.
Besides, it feels better to say "I feel like crap" when I've done things, than when I've done nothing.
And I think I really need to know how much I can do.
So I'm setting aside my doubts and reservations for a day and a half.
I will square my shoulders, turn up the music, turn off my brain (okay, at least mostly), and see what I can do.

Wish me luck.

a necessity

What is love?
Love is this strange force which binds people together.
It is the undefinable antimatter all around.
It pushes and shoves.
Stubborn. Persistant. Unrelenting.
It sits and waits.
Silent. Patient. Understanding.
It questions.
And believes.
It hopes.
And doubts.

Love guides a path
that would never have been followed.
It strengthens.
It conquers what should have killed.

Love invades
as an army.
It comes in slow, quiet breaths or
In one quick gasp.
It seizes every cell, every thought-
every wish, hope and dream-
and shapes them.
Commands them.
It kills errant desires,
useless daydreams,
and arrogant planning.
It invades
and takes control.

Love stops
where others passed by.
It lifts up
and gives of its strength.
It grows,
and causes growth.
It is steady
and leads change.
Love heals.

Fuel.
Poison.
Medicine.

Love is essential.

the end of an era

Okay, I should have written something on this by now, but I haven't been able to get my thoughts aligned to anywhere where I felt like I could write something down about it.
Despite the shock and surprise I felt when I learned President Hinckley passes away, I felt it was right. He's been heading in this direction for awhile, and I think he knew it. I wouldn't put it past him to be excited for it. I know I'd be excited to go to heaven and see the love of my life again.
He will be sore missed. I am old enough that I was alive during one or two previous prophets' times, but young enough to not remember them. I have grown up in this church with President Hinckley at its head- under the direction of our Savior, Jesus Christ, of course.
He was described as "cute". It's true. He was very cute. Honestly, I don't think I could look at a picture of any other prophet or apostle, and think them as cute as Pres. Hinckley. Impressively, he had the ability to pull off being both "cute" and powerful at the same time.
Powerful, in the sense of- called by God, and ordained to act in His name for the sake of everyone on the Earth.
I'm grateful for his example, leadership, laughs, and love.
Gordon B. Hinckley was- and is- truly a great man.
I will miss him.

dear friends

I am grateful for friends that I can call up at odd hours. I am grateful that they listen to me as I just talk- trying to get all of the percolating thoughts to simmer. I am grateful for their feedback, their input, whether it be extensive or brief. Most of all, I'm grateful for the comfort they give me. For their spirits. For how these friends can uplift me by just being there for me. I am grateful for their friendship, their souls, and their love.

So, to you dear friends-

Thank you. I can not begin to express my appreciation. I can not begin to describe how you have left your stamp on me. You have changed me, and left me better for it.
For that you have both my gratitude, and my love.

he's a keeper

Laurie Edwards over at A Chronic Dose said the following in a recent post on Gratitude:

...I am especially grateful for a husband who anticipates my needs better than I do, who can tell by the tone of my voice how much air I am moving, and who brings the world to my doorstep when he knows I’m feeling isolated by illness.

The whole post was great, but that, especially, I thought was cool.

Having been in Young Womens' at church for 6 years now, I have given much thought to my "future eternal companion" (cue cheesy music). Both at the encouragement of leaders and of my own volition, I have made numerous lists over the years about the qualities I want in my future hubby. The earlier lists had a few more silly (or rather- irrelevant in the grand scheme of things) characteristics than the later ones. Overall they tend to go something like this:

-active in the church
-strong testimony
-temple worthy/can take me to the temple
-holds the priesthood
-will be a good father
-loves me
-respects me
-gets along w/ my family
...

...and so on.

What Laurie said about her husband... that struck me. He watches her closely. Knows her well. Loves her so deeply that he concerns himself with not just her needs, but her comforts.
That is the sort of love I want to have with my husband.
And I think I would be justified in not accepting anything less.

The bit about illness, "...[he] brings the world to my doorstep when he knows I’m feeling isolated by illness" I could identify with as well. I hope that by the time I am married, my health will be stabilized and the isolation that has come with my chronic illness will be resolved and no longer a worry.
But in the back of my head, I hear a whisper that I may find myself facing it more than once in life. If it winds up being the case that my health is stupid for longer than expected, then it will take a very special guy to be able to deal with that with me. He will have to be understanding- or be willing to learn-, and patient. Long-suffering, even. It would be a burden on him. One I hope he won't have to deal with, but he'd have to be willing to take it on if needed.
But wow... someone who would "[bring] the world to my doorstep when he knows I'm feeling isolated by illness"... that would be lovely indeed. He'd be a keeper.

zofran

In case you can't read it, it says:
U&C: $708.99
Pay: $10.00

Having insurance: priceless (well, sorta)

and my body lived happily ever after... but not yet

This is the essay I wrote to submit w/ my college applications. Since it deals w/ health, and whole host of other things which I either have addressed on this here blog, or would address, I figured that it may just be appropriate to stick the essay here. (btw, feedback is never a bad thing. *hint hint*)

I had my future all planned out when I was ten years old. I would graduate from high school with straight A’s and go on to the university my parents attended. I would graduate with honors, probably in “cat behaviorology”. I would then serve a mission for my church. Help troubled kitties. Get married. And maybe go on to cure cancer. I have since discovered that life rarely goes according to plan.

It was discovered in my eighth grade year that I struggled with both depression and anxiety. With the help of my mother, psychologist and medication, I learned how to assess my emotions and thoughts, to recognize those influenced by depression/anxiety, and slowly I was able to replace negative thought patterns with positive and healthy ones. I now consider my depression and anxiety to be under control. Neither bothers me frequently, and when one does I am able to recognize what is happening quickly and deal with it in an efficient and effective manner. As a result of this experience, I was able to relate to and help when people I knew struggle with mental illness.

It would seem that gaining an understanding of mental illness was not the only empathetic quality I was bound to develop. The spring of my sophomore year (2006) I began to be physically ill. I missed more and more school and extracurricular activities due to stomach pains, headaches, nausea, weakness, fatigue and other such vague but irritatingly interfering symptoms. My mother and I began to trot from doctor to doctor, trying to pin down a diagnosis. Multiple tests, scans, appointments and a few months later I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I was shocked. Pleased to have a diagnosis. Ecstatic that there was treatment. And comforted that all I endured was real and treatable- not just my imagination. I followed not quite, but almost, religiously my treatment routine, educated myself exhaustively on the functional disorder, and found my body back to nearly normal within the next few months (barring the occasional flare-up of symptoms).

I gained empathy for those suffering with chronic illness, for those who live with the fear that accompanies a “mystery diagnosis”, and for those whose lives consisted of medical appointments. I also developed a strong awareness of and gratitude for my health. I was more than ready to bounce back into challenging course loads at school, and busy days due to multiple extracurriculars. I was ready to move on, utilizing my new wisdom, and live my life just like all of the other over-achievers my age.

The spring of my junior year (2007) marked the beginning in a chronic change of health which made my experience the year prior seem a simple warm-up exercise. My IBS flared up. Medicine was adjusted and the IBS was placated. Left in its wake, however, were severe and frequent headaches which rendered me, once again, frequently absent from school and other activities. A few tests and many Excedrin later I was diagnosed with migraine headaches. Severe. Chronic. And really annoying. More difficulties ensued when I began to have difficulty keeping solid foods down. Suspected medications were eliminated, but did not result in an abatement of my symptoms. More tests were run. More doctors’ appointments. More medicines. It didn’t take long for me to realize that perhaps the Fates (or God) had in mind a different course for me than I had ever imagined or planned; and a few lessons to learn along the way.

I like to plan. I make lists. I get excited. It has been quite a shock to me to have my carefully formulated planning completely usurped. After my second round of illness (spring 2007), I decided that it might be a good idea to work on being more flexible. Since then, I have had to constantly readjust, reevaluate, and even sometimes abandon my plans due to illness. It’s stressful. It’s terrifying. It’s just plain annoying. Being forced to do this, though, has helped me to learn a critical lesson. I have learned to be humble and to trust in my Heavenly Father’s plan for me. I have had to surrender my desires, goals, and plans to His for me. It is an ongoing struggle to remember to do this and have faith. But it gets easier. I have seen seemingly impossible situations turn out not just fine, but wonderfully.

Another struggle has been restructuring how I measure my own self-worth. I used to be pleased with who I was and how I was doing in life based on my challenging course load and numerous extracurricular activities. The busier I was, and the more I accomplished, the better I felt about myself. Having developed a chronic illness, I can no longer maintain even a normal course load, and have had to drop most of my extracurriculars. I am so far from busy as to feel, at times, isolated from anything outside of my own home. This has been one of the hardest things about being sick for me. I love to be active, to challenge myself, and to help people. I have, out of necessity, been forced to learn that my value, or self-worth, is not based on what I have accomplished nor how busy I am, but rather, who I have become and who I am becoming.

My parents have instilled in me a strong sense of obligation to serve. Since my migraines began, I have constantly struggled to not “beat myself over the head” for not being able to serve as I would like. I do my best now to serve when and where I can as my body allows, but what I work to remember is that I am learning and growing a lot from this experience, and that when I have my health under control once more, I will be able to use that wisdom to help people in ways I would never have been able to without this trial.

Illness, in any form, is not by any stretch of the imagination pleasurable. My doctors and I continue to try and straighten out my health through trial, error, and brute determination. I continue to work on juggling life with health. Nonetheless, I would not trade my experiences with it.

I have been blessed in many ways which help me to keep going. I have received assistance from wonderful people ranging from health care providers to my everyday peers. My pharmacist, doctors and their nurses have gone above and beyond to help me out. The Disability Support Services staff at my community college has been a vital asset to any attempt I have made at school since my migraines began. Teachers have gone above the legal requirement of my Letters of Accommodation in being not only flexible but sympathetic and accessible. My high school counselor has been nothing short of amazing in the aid and direction he has provided me. My family, friends, and fellow church members have served me in countless ways, allowing me frequent reminders of the love given me which I have to be grateful for.

The most valuable blessing I have received from this trial, however, has been an increased ability to help others. What I have struggled with is by no means as disabling as what I have seen others struggle with, but it has given me a solid glimpse and firm understanding of what people with more troubling problems experience. My wish is that what I am learning now will allow me to someday render service similar to what I have received. Being able to do so would make all that I have endured valuable, precious, and ultimately- worth it.