the seedy underbelly of the relief society

I am expecting that most of you reading this blog are Mormon and are familiar not only with our various organizations, but also with our culture (which is at times quite seperate from our religion, ie: jello with pears, carrots, or other add-ins is not actually doctrine, and some Mormons even drink Dr Pepper, though gross caffeine intake is advised against).
What is the Relief Society?  to quote Mormon.org:

The Relief Society is the oldest and largest women's organization in the world. Relief Society was established in 1842 for women 18 years of age and older. Its purpose is to build faith and personal righteousness, strengthen families and homes, and help those in need.

So I attend a ward or congregation for young single adults (also known as YSA's) .  It consists of a bunch of unmarried adults ranging in age from 18-31.  Every ward has a Relief Society- each individual relief society being a part of the worldwide organization.  As you can imagine, there is some mystique to this organization in a YSA ward.... because it consists of a bunch of single sisters in their 20's (mwahaha).  So every once in a while when we have an activity, gentlemen friends of mine ask, "what do you guys do at those activities anyways?  Gossip?  Cook?  Sew?  Plan to take over the world?"

Well.... I can't tell you about all relief societies, but ours is pretty good at not gossiping, I think.  When we talk about others I've always heard it be with affection.  We've done some sewing and cooking before, among other things.  Take over the world?  Not usually discussed.

Unless you happen to have what we might call an "unofficial" Relief Society activity.  First, what makes it a relief society activity?  The fact that we're meeting at the relief society president's house and she's invited all of the sisters.  What makes it unofficial?  Pretty much it comes down to not having an opening prayer and maybe even watching a PG-13 movie.

So what did we do yesterday?  We had various forms of holiday candy and chocolate, as well as lemonade and popcorn.  Sisters brought movies and we selected Bride and Prejudice.  Pretty kosher Mormon-girl activity, right?  Yep.  So what happens after the movie?  I'm really not sure how to describe it all, so perhaps I will just share some of the things I learned last night.

• dark meat is mostly anaerobic muscle- used for shorter bursts of activity
• white meat is mostly aerobic muscle- used for sustained activity
• 4/5 ladies present at this activity prefer white meat to dark
• a long distance runner would have more white meat on his bones, while a sprinter would have more dark meat
• which men in our ward are long distance runners
• the location of the nearest dump

There was also a discussion on guys that one of the sisters has made cry.  Now that I recall, she also described how it happened, what tools she used, and the way she angled these tools up into this man's face...  There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this, I promise.

Oh, and by no means did I come home from this lovely event borrowing a book entitled, How to be a Villain.  And this book that I did not carry home did not at all contain a mad-libs styled format for creating evil plans.

But if I had come home with such a book, and perhaps shared it with my siblings, the following would be the result.

stage one

To begin, you must first seduce and incinerate Mick Jagger.  This will cause the world to slaughter a sacred calf to the Force and look bewildered and paralyzed by your arrival.  Who is this criminal mastermind that is the destroyer of all things good and nice?  Where did they come from?  And why do they look so good in another person's skin?

stage two

Next, you must vaporize the internet.  This will all be done from your hidden, ancient tomb, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory.  Upon seeing this, the world will fall into a catatonic trance, as countless hordes of undead ninjas and demented corporate clowns hasten to do your every bidding.

stage three

Finally, you must unleash the secret Doomsday Machine, bringing about the Antichrist.  Your name shall become synonymous with fuzzy bunnies, and no man will ever again dare to take your lunch money.  Everyone will bow before your unmatched physical prowess, and the world will have no choice but to restore your credit rating.

I promise- Mormonism is not a cult (truly! go read the link!).

still raising money for Guyana...

Okay, so I have been incredibly blessed by friends and family and so far have $1625 raised to help cover the expenses of my Guyana trip.  I actually raised more than that, but about $500 went to cover preparatory expenses of the trip (supplies, clothing, some medical things, etc.-- expenses which I thankfully will not have next time I travel out of the country!).  I have $875 left to fundraise.  Again, worst case scenario is that I pay it off on my own over the next few months, but to be honest, things are tight (I know- such a surprise in this economy!) and I actually have surgery scheduled for the middle of next month, the recovery of which I expect to keep me from work for 2-4 weeks.
So that's my situation.  I would absolutely LOVE it if people donated, but I would also be terribly pleased if anyone wanted to purchase services or goods, which I will list below.  All prices are minimum, but you are welcome to pay me more!  ;)

• housework- with my wonderful OCD skills~ $15/hour ($50 for 5 hours)
• tutoring- with my excellent teaching skills.  I specialize in working with kids with disabilities, but am also good with other subjects up through high school level (and some college level) as well.~ $20/hour
• photography for you, your family, your pets~ from $70 (see list of services at my photography blog here)
• 8x10 prints- floral, tropical, temples, and more (link to come)~ $20 each, 5 for $50, 10 for $90
• professional editing or restoration of photos you already have~ $15 each
• babysitting~ $12/hour
• massage with doTERRA oils~ $25 for one half hour
• caregiving (I am a trained caregiver and can assist with housecleaning, basic medical attention, home physical therapy exercises (as prescribed by a PT), transportation for errands/doctor appointments, and rearranging the home for greater accessibility for the disabled.  I am able to assist bedridden patients and wheelcheer-bound patients.) ~$15/hour, $100 for 8-hour day, $150 for 12-hour shift [+ potential cost of gas]
• anything else you can think of!

Now, my Ve'ahavta fundraising site has been taken down, so I have a new way to fund raise- it goes directly to my paypal account, from where I will send it directly to Ve'ahavta (minus 10% for tithing if it is in exchange for a product or services).

One last note- if you are not able to help financially but would like to help, spread the word to your friends!  If you know of anyone who would be willing to donate or could use some of my services, please send them my way!  Also, if some of the prices above are more than you could afford, contact me anyways and we can work something out.  Anything helps.  My email is cassanndre[at]gmail[dot]com.  (I love my name.  Thank you Mom and Dad.)

samples of photos for sale!  check my picasa web albums for more!  (i add more photos frequently)

every girl's dream man

 One day when I was in high school I sat next to the amazing Kaitlyn Shea in church.  As she flipped through her scriptures, I noticed a page with a heart on the upper right hand margin.  That intrigued me and and so I asked her about it.  She told me it was a passage describing the character of Captain Moroni- the kind of man she wants to marry some day.  This intrigued me and so I read the following underlined passages from chapter 48 of the book of Alma:

...and thus he was preparing to support their liberty, their lands, their wives, and their children, and their peace, and that they might live unto the Lord their God, and that they might maintain that which was called by the their enemies the cause of Christians.
And Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery; Yea, a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God, for the many privileges and blessings which he bestowed upon his people; a man who did labor exceedingly for hte welfare and safety of his people.  Yea and he was a man who was firm in the faith of Christ, and he had sworn with an oath to defend his people, his rights, and his country, and his religion, even to the loss of his blood.
Now the Nephites were taught to defend themselves against their enemies, even to the shedding of blood if it were necessary yea, and they were also taught never to give an offense, yea, and never to raise the sword except it were against an enemy, except it were to preserve their lives.
And this was their faith, that by so doing God would prosper them in the land, or in other words, if they were faithful in keeping the commandments of God that he would prosper them in the land; yea, warn them to flee or to prepare for war, according to their danger;  And also, that God would make it known unto them whither they should go to defend themselves against their enemies, and by so doing, the Lord would deliver them; and this was the faith of Moroni, and his heart did glory in it; not in the shedding of blood but in doing good, in preserving his people, yea, in keeping the commandments of God, yea, and resisting iniquity.
Yea, verily, verily, I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men.

 Yeah, not cool at all.  Nor impressive.  Nor awesome.  Definitely doesn't sound like the kind of guy that would make a girl go weak in the knees.  Nuh uh.  Let's go over the listed character traits, shall we?

• an effective and inspiring leader and organizer
• patriot- believed in defending liberty, land, family, peace, and the right to worship as one pleases; his "soul did joy in liberty and freedom of his people"; "had sworn with an oath to defend his people, [rights, country, and religion]
• a strong and mighty man
• wise, educated- "a man of perfect understanding"
• peaceful- "did not delight in bloodshed", believed in never raising the sword except in defense
• grateful- "heart 
• hardworking- "labor exceedingly for the welfare of his people"
• faithful, valiant- "firm in the faith of Christ"
• trusted that his obedience would result in God blessing & delivering him
• believed in obedience, doing good, defending his people
• resisted iniquity

Sounds good to me!
Now in verse 18 there is something interesting:

Behold, he was a man like unto Ammon, the son of Mosiah, yea, and even the other sons of Mosiah, yea, and also Alma and his sons, for they were all men of God.

Who were the sons of Mosiah- these men that the magnificent Captain Moroni is compared to?

Well, when we are first introduced to them they were the "very vilest of sinners" (Mosiah 28:4).  Now that's quite a thing to be called- they weren't just plane vile, very vile, or sinners.  Nor are they referred to simply as "the vilest of sinners", but rather the "very vilest of sinners".  That's not just a superlative... it's like a super superlative! Interestingly, the definition of superlative is "of the highest quality or degree". So effectively we could say that the sons of Mosiah were sinners of the highest degree.  Yikes!

Now the sons of Mosiah were numbered among the unbelievers; and also one of the sons of Alma was numbered among them, he being called Alma, after his father; nevertheless, he became a very wicked and an idolatrous man.  And he was a man of many words, and he did speak much flattery to the people; therefore he led many of the people to do after the manner of iniquities.  And he became a great hinderment of the prosperity of the church of God; stealing away the hearts of the people; causing much dissension among the people; giving a chance for the enemy of God to exercise his power over them.  [And he] was going about to destroy the church of God, for he did go about secretly with the sons of Mosiah seeking to destroy the church, and to lead astray the people of the Lord, contrary to the commands of God, or even the king... *

So the sons of Mosiah hung out with Alma and they were pretty much breaking the law and trying to destroy the church.  That's all, y'know- not that big of a deal...  But you see, Alma's dad was the Prophet and he prayed that Heavenly Father would help Alma and his friends turn their lives around.  What happens next is a pretty awesome story that I really couldn't do justice to try and sum up.

...as they were going about rebelling against God, behold, the angel of Lord appeared unto them... [and said]: Behold, the Lord hath heard the prayers of his speople, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; therefore, for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God.... And now behold, can ye dispute the power of God?... Now I say unto thee: Go, and remember the captivity of thy fathers... and remember how great things he has done for them; for they were in bondage and he has delivered them.  And now I say unto thee... go thy way, and seek to destroy the church no more...  And now Alma and those that were with him fell again to the earth, for great was their astonishment; for with their own eyes they had beheld an angel of the Lord; and his voice was as thunder, which shook the earth; and they knew that there was nothing save the power of God that could shake the earth and cause it to tremble as though it would part asunder.

Okay, so they were visited and called to repentance by an angel.  Did it work?

And now the astonishment of Alma was so great that he became dumb, that he could not open his mouth; yea, and he became weak, even that he could not move his hands; therefore was taken by those that were with him, and carried helpless, even until he was laid before his father.... and it came to pass after they had fasted and prayed for the space of two days and two nights, the limbs of Alma received their strength, and he stood up and began to speak unto them, bidding them to be of good comfort:
For, said he, I have repented of my sins, and have been redeemed of the Lord; behold I am born of the Spirit.  And the Lord said unto me: Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters; and thus they become new creatures; and unless this be the case, they must be cast off; and this I know because I was like to be cast off.  Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulation, repenting night unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God.  My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity.  I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God.  My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more.  I rejected my Redeemer, and denied that which had been spoken of by our fathers; but now that they may foresee that he will come, and that he remembered every creature of his creating, he will make himself manifest unto all....                     

So Alma went through a big fat repentance process.  What became of him and the sons of Mosiah?

And now it came to pass that Alma began from this time forward to teach the people, and those who were with Alma at the time the angel appeared unto them, traveling round about through all the land, publishing to all the people the things which they had heard and seen, and preaching the word of God in much tribulation, being greatly persecuted by those who were unbelievers, being smitten by many of them.  But nothwithstanding all this, they did impart much consolation to the church, confirming their faith, and exhorting them with long-suffering and much travail to keep the commandments of God.
And four of them were the sons of Mosiah; and their names were Ammon, and Aaron, and Omner, and Himni.... And they traveled throughout all the land of Zarahemla, and among all the people who were under the reign of king Mosiah, zealously striving to repair all the injuries which they had done to the church, confessing all their sins, and publishing all the things which they had seen, and explaining the prophecies and the scriptures to all who desired to hear them.  And thus they were instruments in the hands of God in bringing many to the knowledge of the truth, yea, to the knowledge of their Redeemer.
And how blessed are they!  For they did publish peace; they did publish good tidings of good; and they did declare unto the people that the Lord reigneth.                          

copyright 2011 CSager Photography

They became men of the highest calibre.  These men went from being the "very vilest of sinners" and "like to be cast off" to setting the standard of righteousness against which men in future generations would be judged.    This strikes me.  Christ snatched them from everlasting burning and redeemed them!  What does it mean to be redeemed?  It means to be bought back.  They had, with their sins, sold themselves to Satan and Christ brought them back from the darkest abyss to behold the marvelous light of God.  Alma says that his soul was "racked with eternal torment" but after he accepted Christ and the power of the Atonement into his life, Alma's "soul [was] pained no more".

This is one of the greatest stories of hope I can think of.  No matter what we have done, we can always repent. It is never too late.

The discouraging idea that a mistake (or even a series of them) makes it everlastingly too late, does not come from the Lord. He has said that if we will repent, not only will He forgive us our transgressions, but He will forget them and remember our sins no more. … Repentance is like soap; it can wash sin away. Ground-in dirt may take the strong detergent of discipline to get the stains out, but out they will come.  -Boyd K. Packer

Do not only hope to be forgiven of your sins- to have them washed away.  Hope to among the noble and great ones of this generation.  Hope to be like Alma and the sons of Mosiah, men so great they set a precedent of virtue and goodness which influenced and guided men to greatness for generations to come.

Additional Reading
"God Will Forgive" an excerpt from The Miracle of Forgiveness by the excellent Spencer W. Kimball
"Alma, Son of Alma" {the lessons we learn from his life give us hope...} by Jeffrey R. Holland
*The story of Alma, Ammon, Aaron, Omner, and Himni comes from the twenty-seventh chapter of the book of Mosiah
"Amazed at the Love Jesus Offers Me"  also by Elder Holland

The Guyana Journal... Post #4

25 Oct Tuesday

Busy day.  I enjoyed myself.  To be honest, I wish I got to see more patient care, but Bekkie told me that tomorrow we’d practice a few things, like BP.

Issenuru.
1. nurse miriam 2. issenuru health post 3. steward and sister smith 4. dr mike 5. dr fred's room 6. carol & dr mike in the pharmacy 7. carol preparing prescriptions 8. sylvester and medex 9. dr fred, carol, medex

26 Oct Weds

About today: this morning Dr. Fred and I took a boat with Medex Jackie to see a man name Ove.  8 years ago he had a piece of machinery at the mine fall on his back- crush him.  He was 24 at the time.  Now he lays in bed- a mattress under tarps held up by sticks which is where his family lives.  He has no feeling from the waist down and cannot use his legs.  His skin down there is shiny and tight and his feet are contracted.  Recently he had to start using a catheter to empty his bladder.  It drains into a coke bottle.  His BP was fine, his heart rate was fine- he is otherwise a young, healthy, handsome man of 32.

We left Issenuru today and traveled to Fall’s Top, aka Kamarunga [sinc—Kangaruma].  We had a hill to carry all our gear up.  People from the village came to help; they were so kind.

Got to know our Dentex, Sylvester, better today.  I taught him how to tango tonight- the basic and promenade.  He wanted to do a spin and dip and tried it, but everything went wrong when he dipped me down too far and we both fell down!  I fell on my “bumsy” and he fell forward on his knee towards me.  It was a pretty funny.  We laughed and wiped the sand off of ourselves.

Sylvester went to secondary school in Georgetown, but he’s actually Amerindian from the Upper Mazaruni (where we go next week).  As the only Amerindian in school, he said he was treated like a prince, which I thought very interesting.

1. delicious stuffed chicken by auntie irene
2 & 3. hanging out at night
4. someone's home 5. issenuru health post
6. health post with patients 7. patients waiting
8. a child and me 9. cute little boy!
10. little boy and sister 11. man and daughter
12. burnsley 13. people waiting for jet boat
14. sylvester and carol stuffing a bedroll
15. carol and me

A healthcare worker here named David was answering a bunch of Carol’s questions about Amerindian culture and life.  That was very interesting.  If we have time, Carol, Auntie Irene and I will go to church in Issano this Sunday.  I hope we are able to- I don’t like going without church and it will be interesting see an Amerindian Anglican Church Meeting.

We had a migraine patient come in today.  I asked Dr. Fred if I could sit in on his meeting with him.  He said yes and when he was done talking to the patient, I asked if I could ask some questions and talked to the patient about lifestyle things that will trigger migraines- eat and sleep on regular schedule, no alcohol, smoking, etc.  I asked Dr. Fred later if it was OK that I did that and he said “absolutely, yes!  Especially in this environment.”  Then he told me that I did well, I am very empathic, and I should go into medicine.  That was so nice to hear.

Well, I’m drifting off now… busy day tomorrow since we just arrived Kamarunga [sinc] today.

Oh, I don’t know if I mentioned- yesterday I watched Sylvester do an extraction.  That was very interesting.  They’re not able to do fillings or whatever here so if someone ever has a problem with a tooth, it just gets extracted- that’s the best option.  I’m grateful for the country I live in and the medical care I receive.  I’m grateful that my brothers and other friends in their 20’s don’t work at the mines, risking life and limb.

About dental care in the interior (23 Nov 2011):  They can do a lot of things other than extractions in Guyana, but when a dental professional such as a Dentex* goes to visit the villages in the interior, they can only bring so much with them and so the extraction tools are what is brought.  If a patient’s tooth isn’t bad enough to warrant an extraction the Dentex will recommend boating to the nearest hospital to come and get a filling.  Medical services are free to all Guyanese, but often the distance to the nearest hospital is prohibitive.

“Dentex” means dentist-extension or something like that and requires 3-4 years of college technical training.  Dentexes can not only do extractions, but also fillings and cleanings.

“Medex” means medical-extension or something like that and likewise requires 3-4 years of college technical training.  I think of medexes as being like a Physician’s Assistant or Nurse Practitioner here in the states.  From what I saw, medexes would be in charge of an area encompassing several villages.  Working under the medexes are healthcare workers.  We saw a healthcare worker stationed at each village we visited- excepting Kangaruma because she was on maternity leave.  Healthcare Worker David Joseph from Issano came to Kangaruma to prepare the village for our arrival, and then went back to Issano to prepare that area for us.  We loved him.  He’s awesome.  Healthcare workers have, I believe, about 3 months training… and they are responsible for a lot.  Including diagnosing things like malaria and worms using a blood smear and a microscope.  They do have opportunities for continuing education.  Most are underpaid, overworked, and undersupplied.  Despite this, there are still some awesome, highly competent, and knowledgeable healthcare workers- such as David Joseph.

boatride from issenuru to kangaruma.
1. ovaltine cookie! 2. house with writing 3. houses along the river
4. burnsley and bekkie 5. dr mike 6. dr fred 7. some girls on the boat
9. mazaruni river 10. sylvester & carol on the jet boat with boxes of our stuff
11. maz 12 & 13. houses along river

I met a mother named Elizabeth.  She told me something is going on with her foot and her two children have fever and one vomits pretty much all the food he eats.  We had just arrived here in Kangaruma and didn’t have the clinic set-up.  I told her we’d have to set up and I wasn’t sure when we’d be able to see her, but we could definitely help.  She went home, I found out later, which is a bit of a long walk.  Unfortunate because we were later able to see a few patients with more severe cases.  Tomorrow we will see many, many people from the village.  80+ I’m sure.

I really enjoy how readily Dr. Fred, Miriam, and Carol work and are willing to meet with patients, even when they’re tired, sweaty, and need to take care of packing o unpacking their own stuff.  There is always time to see those who need to be seen.  That is Christlike.  That is caring about the one.  That is the way medicine should operate.  Strange how out here we have much less that we can do, but we also can live up to some ideals better.

The Guyana Journal... Post #3

24 Oct Mon 7:23 am

I am in South America.

Our plane just touched down.

Let the journey begin!

~10:30pm

What a day!  After going through customs and getting our baggage, we hopped on a beer bus donated for our services generously by a member of the Lion’s Club of Bartica.  We went to another international airport, this one was only for small planes.  We had to wait 2 or 3 hours for the weather to clear up.  We slept and ate some Indo-Caribbean food in the meantime.

The plane ride was spectacular- just like something out of a National Geographic magazine- except I’m really there!  I took a ton of pictures.  I really wanted to sleep but I couldn’t tear my eyes and camera away.

pictures from our plane ride from georgetown to middle mazaruni
from L to R, top to bottom: 1 & 2- rainforest mountains,
3- mine 4- rainforest 5- city on the coast
6- world's longest floating bridge
7- city on the coast 8- road from the coast to the interior
9- from the cockpit 10- miriam, bekkie, and dr fred on the plane

We landed on a dirt road and some mining guys unloaded our stuff from the plane into a couple of boats.  We met Bekkie’s partner, a Guyanese man whose name starts with “B”.  The boat ride was only supposed to be an hour, but it was probably more like two.  I assume it was the Mazaruni River.  The boat ride was beautiful and interesting- floating mills?  Or something.  I think Bekkie might have said “floating community”.  I took pictures.

Carol, Fred, Miriam and I were all happy to have blood flow return to our buttockses when we finally reached Isenuru…  We were greeted warmly.  Added to our team is Dr. Michael [sinc-- Maykal] from Cuba, Sylvester a Dentex, Sister Smith, a big wig lady from Bartica, and another big wig lady whose name I’m forgetting.  Ministry of Health people.  Auntie Irene prepared a wonderful lunch for us.  Delicious steak, rice, salad, and plantain.  I discovered today that I like plantain, “leechies”, and “doubles”.

The village is very humble.  Haven’t seen many people yet, but tomorrow they will all come for clinic and we will see plenty of people! …And I just drifted off and tipped over my light.  I think it’s time to sleep.

Trip of a lifetime.

Put God first in your life.

The Guyana Journal... Post #2

23 Oct Sunday

After staying up most of last night packing, my plane left Seattle this morning around 8:30am.  I flew to Chicago, where I met Miriam- our nurse.  I like her.  She has kids my age.  She is Jewish.  I’m excited to get to know some Jewish people and more about their religion- I feel like learning about Judaism is like learning about my own faith.

I got a father’s blessing from Scott this morning before we left for the airport.  As soon as he put his hands on my head and began speaking I started crying.  Oh how I had been yearning for a blessing!  And what a relief to finally receive one!  I was blessed to have a safe trip and reminded of what King Benjamin said in the book of Mosiah, “When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.”  I don’t remember much else that was said, but I remember noting that I wasn’t promised good health.  I may still have good health, or I may struggle.  I personally hope that Guyana proves to be good for my asthma & sinuses and therefore migraines.  Guess we’ll find out.  I remember, though, feeling or sensing the flow of revelation through Scott as he quoted the scripture from Mosiah.

Early today, on my first flight, that scripture helped me through.  I was getting anxious.  Then I remembered that I am on the Lord’s errand!  I am serving Him!  I was reminded and humbled:  this is not about me.  I feel weak and inadequate, but I am going to Guyana to serve my God.

I was reminded that Christ can make weak things strong.  I feel like I may be the weakest link in our team- maybe least prepared, maybe not, but I am the youngest, with no professional experience whatsoever, little money, and on top of it all, I have health problems!  Migraines brought on by stress.  Sinus problems.  Sleep apnea… and I’m going 2 weeks without my CPAP!  I’m pretty irregular with using it, but I haven’t gone 2 weeks without it before.

As I think of all those things, my heart begins to race a little.  Anxiety.  But the Spirit- beneath the light fog of anxiety, whispers to me.  I am reminded that Moses (Aaron?) was slow of speech; Joseph Smith barely had any formal education, and other prophets have at times felt weak and inadequate.

I am also reminded of the pioneers being asked to leave the comfort of their homes in Nauvoo, trust the Lord, and move forward with the very most basic of necessities and sometimes lacking even those.

*~*~*~*

when we were still clean and our clothes didn't smell

On the plane to Trinidad and Tobago I helped two ladies fill out their entry into country form.  They are Chinese, older and I wonder if they are sisters?  Chee Kwan’s passport says it was issued in Trinidad-Tobago.  Chunru’s was issued in Port of Spain, but is a Chinese passport.  Neither of them speak much English, let alone write it, so I had the privilege of filling out the information on their sheet and asking questions like “are you married?” and trying to explain what I as asking.  It was fun.  They were visiting China and are on their way home to Trinidad-Tobago.  What’s in Trinidad-Tobago anyways?  I know absolutely nothing of the country.

Carol, Miriam, and Dr Fred

I like my teammates.  They all seem just as confused as I- excited, but not sure what we’ve gotten ourselves into. J  First there’s Miriam, she’s a nurse who does acupuncture.  She has 3 kids ages 24, 22, and 18.  Her boyfriend didn’t talk to her for a couple days and so she “threatened” to leave the country… and ended up having everything fall into place rather quickly- a lot like me.  We talked about religion and she asked me about mine- she didn’t know much about Mormons.  I was trying to communicate our religious respect for Judaism… it was hard considering I’ve never studied Judaism or had Jewish friends.  I ended up saying something I felt was good to communicate.  Essentially, learning about Judaism and Jewish beliefs adds to and strengthens what I already feel, believe, and know.  When I learn about Judaism, I feel like I’m learning about my own religion.

Okay, Dr. Fred Leitner.  When I first met him, he reminded me of the Uncle Red from the Red-Green show.  He used to do family practice, then went into occupational medicine, from which he just quit and is considering going back to family practice.  He left it in the first place because he felt like he wasn’t able to practice medicine the way he learned to do it—he said the Canadian healthcare system (which has long been socialized) has cut out much of doctors' choices and also demanded less face-to-face time with patients.

Red Green from the RedGreen show.... the guy whom Dr Fred reminded me of :)

The Guyana Journal... Post #1

I promised to post about my trip to Guyana... well, I've typed up parts of my journal so I will start sharing those journal entries in different posts.  This entries in this post are all from the week prior to my leaving for Guyana.


Note: some of the more personal, spiritual, and irrelevant entries will be withheld from these posts (indicated by a "..." or "[ ]" to sum up what I've taken out)

17 Oct 2011 Monday

dr fred doing what we all
tried to do chance we got-
 exactly one week from this entry

One week from right now, it will be noon in Guyana.  And I have no idea what I’ll be doing- sitting in a bush plane, flying to the jungle?  Relaxing for a couple hours after 20 hours of ravel to fly from Seattle to Toronto to Trinidad-Tobago, to Guyana?  Setting up camp in some rural, jungle village?  Eating lunch in Georgetown?  In the jungle?  Puking my guts out from traveling?  Being briefed on what we’ll be doing and where we’ll be going over the next two weeks?  Becoming acquainted with my fellow teammates?  Being propelled through the jungle by canoe?  Taking pictures?  Reading my scriptures?  Writing in my journal?

I could go on.

I have so much to do to prepare.

….

I pray that I will be everything I need to be for this trip.  The Spirit whispers in response that the Savior qualifies whom He calls- He does not (always) call the qualified.  I suppose that would be me.  Unqualified, inexperienced, and weak.  But mine is an errand of angels; a mission given by my Savior.  Have faith in Him and confidence that with Him and His Holy Spirit, I can do all things.  Even hard things.

18 Oct Tues

….

Now, to be honest with myself-

·         I haven’t been drinking anywhere near enough water.  (Probably cuz I ran out of H2) bottles haha.)

·         My room is much too dusty and is a part of my sinus problem.  If I want to get healthy, I absolutely must deep clean it.  That means under the bed.  I’m a little frightened and wish I had a mask.

·         While avoiding sugar has been good for mental health, I haven’t been eating enough things of nutritional value.  Low-sugar cereal is not good enough for me to live off of.

I’ve lost weight!  Yay!  I weight myself at Katie’s the other day—165lbs!  I don’t remember the last time I was below 170!  Yay!  Yay!  Yay!

Guyana is getting closer.  I’m excited.

I’ve had a couple moments of nervousness, but those largely passed when I prayed or thought of my Heavenly Father.

….

20 Oct Thurs

….

[A friend of mine gave me some advice for my upcoming trip to Guyana.  He said to get to know the people and their families.]  There are things they can teach or bring to me which will help me live and appreciate a good life.

Budgeting.  Finances.  Don’t spend more than you have.  I think I may not go to Kaieteur Falls.  Maybe another day.  I would rather roam Georgetown, have money to buy some things for myself and my family, and have money left over for when I come back home so I’m not completely broke.  There is life after Guyana.   I don’t know what I’m going to do with it, but it is there!

I’m excited.

…

21 Oct Friday @ the temple

This morning I didn’t want to drive all the way up here, but I read my scriptures and was encouraged to not be slothful (Alma 32 or 33) but have faith and look to Christ for healing.  So I came and blessedly arrived at the same time as a husband and wife who wanted to do baptisms.  Right after I was done with baptisms, I noticed my sinuses felt more open and the mucus and pus had started to drain.  That was nice.  And it wasn’t the chlorine water (I’ve been swimming and not had the same effect).  I believe it’s because Baptism is a cleansing ordinance and the temple is a holy, consecrated space.  I believe that even though I am performing the baptisms as a proxy for other sisters, I still receive some of the cleansing benefits.

I love the temple.  I so glad I came.  I’m so glad Heavenly Father helped me read my scriptures, get out of bed, and come.  I’m grateful that those Hungarian sisters were able to be confirmed or baptized today.  I welcome them to the Church.

I know that angels will be with me in Guyana and I am so thankful for that…. Indeed, I rely on the promise that angels will be round me to bear me up.  I’ll need it.

….

2 Corin 10:4 “the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds.”

Nothing physical we do will pull down the barriers that exist between us and others.  Cuddling, holding hands, and kissing are not weapons.  Hitting, kicking, shooting, intimidating, and yelling will not do it either.  Rather, courage, testimony, strength- might! - given by God, will pull down those strongholds.

·         Courage

·         Strength

·         Testimony

·         Truth

·         Transparency

And always remember the scripture: “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ”.

Don’t be afraid to tell people what I believe and allow them to act.  God has given me no commandment or advice of action aside from share the things I am blessed to have with my neighbor so that he may also be blessed by them and stand with boldness and meekness for the things Christ has given me faith in.

Do not apologize for the words of angels.

Share with courage what I know.

Love people for themselves.

Forgive people.  Go to them privately with injuries and anxieties that they may be resolved.  Invite people to come to me with injuries and anxieties that they may be resolved.

Journey.

Trust the Savior to lead those I love and worry about through intensive healing.

Love my future children.  Share that love with others.

Open up my heart to others, trusting the Lord to care for it.  When is the opportunity to do this?  Always.

[23 Nov 2011 Weds]  Conducting oneself this way towards those you love most is difficult, but possible.  Conducting oneself this way towards those with whom you have disagreements is, at least- daunting, and at most- terrifying.  I feel inadequate.  Yet I know that this is the way those of us who have Judeo-Christian values have been commanded to live.  We know it is best, it is right, and we know that God will help us.

“Lay aside the things of this world and seek for things of a better.”

Lift up my heart and rejoice!  Cleave unto my covenants:

·         Baptismal

·         Pre-earth

·         Covenants to come

“Continue in meekness and beware of PRIDE.”

The journey to Guyana begins!

all things

i feel... a little lost.

and yet as i sat here watching castle, i felt inspiration. i reflected on how when hard things happen i need time to cope. that is the way my body works. i need space and time from the world to just get myself settled. and then i understood-- good things that happen to me are like this, too. i need time to cope with them, to absorb my experience into my system. what have i been through in the past month? guyana. that's a big, good, thing. and probably, just as i was adjusting to being home and, in a way, becoming one with my experience, we move suddenly and somewhat unexpectedly. for a week and half, everything changes. i went through two experiences in under a month where my entire world changed for more than a week. that's huge! and my body and mind take time to process that. i know the two are connected. and i think that the sensitivity of my body and mind are something special my Heavenly Father has given me to help me learn to rely on Him. i really can't do anything on my own, but when i rely on Him and listen for His promptings, His suggestions, and obey His commandments-- He can make so much out of my life! i mean, really-- I went to Guyana! a year ago i never would have thought i would travel the world and now i'm thinking i need to find a way to make it my profession... and y'know what? God willing, I will.

"God willing." that's all that matters. if it's His will or something He's willing to support, then I can do it. "I can do all things through Christ, which strengtheneth me." -Philippians 4:13

a quote found when packing

"I grew up with gangster people... they're not that scary- they all love me!" -Roo

and a note to those of who who actually read my blog: i finally approved peoples' comments! even though it's been like... 5 months for some of them haha.

Ryanair and pornography

Ryanair, a european airline company known for cheap airline tickets, just announced that they will provide a new in-flight app that will allow passengers to view pornography during flights. Customers could simply log into a Ryanair app using their iPads or smartphones and then pay to gamble, play games or view sex scenes.

As a professional airline business, Ryanair's decision to promote pornography is a surprise to me. It is not professional for a CEO or employee of any company to view pornography while at work and it certainly wouldn't be professional to provide pornographic material for the employee break room. Providing pornography on its flights will degrade Ryanair's professional integrity as well as its public image.

Pornography is a degrading business for both men and women. It glorifies violence and abuse of women and casts us as a human race in a role less than that of the animals- for animals mate to reproduce in response to their natural urges. What the pornography industry distributes is an image of sex which is anything but natural. It is not reflective of how kind, successful, civilized people show affection and love and it certainly is no reflection of how a man in love truly treats his partner. Instead, pornography casts men in the role of soulless, hungry animals without any modicum of self-restraint and women in the role of play things, slaves, who must not only endure some of the worst forms of abuse but act as if they truly enjoy it.

The truth is that many pornography workers have sexually transmitted infections, drug and alcohol addictions, massive debt, depression, panic attacks, and chronically low self esteem. Women in the pornography and sex trafficking industries experience physical and sexual abuse routinely as a part of their job in ways that are not only emotionally damaging but often physically damaging as well. The aggressive and unnatural sex they participate in often leads to severe damage of a woman's reproductive system. Sexually Transmitted Infections are a frequent problem for sex workers. The profession puts women in situation where they are at high risk for developing gynecological and urinary problems. The multiple sex partners, the high likelihood of sexually transmitted diseases, and anatomy of a women's urological system makes urinary tract and bladder infections a serious concern. Lack of protection and contraction of HIV/AIDS, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and other STI's drastically increase the chances of devoloping cervical cancer. Far from uncommon is a prolapsed uterus- caused by the damage of repeated, rough, hard sex. The muscles and tissues which hold the uterus in a womens's abdominal cavity are torn and weakened to the point that the uterus may actually fall down through the vaginal opening. Infections, hemorrhoids, and herniation involving the bladder and rectum are all possible complications.

Pornography is not glamorous. It is not a respectable industry. To protect the future of our society, we can not condone in any way the principles of violence, abuse, degradation, and objectification of self and fellow human beings. For your husband or wife, your children, your sacred honor, and the future of your country, please stand against pornography. Keep it out of our homes and away from our children.

For more information, including peer reviewed research, please visit the Pornography Harms website.

To participate in the effort to keep pornography off of Ryanair- and far away from other airlines, please go here to send a message to the Ryanair leaders.

"here we are and here we will stay"

Less than four days until I leave for my grand adventure to Guyana. As I finished filling out some insurance claims forms, I came across a quote from President Brigham Young I had carefully copied one day months ago during church. It's a beautiful quote and I felt it a shame to simply place it back inside my big notebook, to be forgotten about for a few more months. So I will share it here that not only may I have more opportunity to reflect on and remember it, but so that you (whoever you are) may enjoy it as well.

If you are LDS, you already know about Brother Brigham. If you are not, I will tell you the basics-- he was the second prophet after Christ's church was restored to this Earth. He is famous for leading the Mormons from Nauvoo, IL to middle-of-nowhere Utah. He was a pivotal person in the movement of people to the West. When he and the Saints first arrived in the Salt Lake Valley in 1847, President Young declared, "this is the right place".

Life was hard in newly settled Utah, and some of the Saints wanted to journey out and find gold. What did Brigham tell them? (enter my awesome quote)

God has appointed this place for the gathering of his saints... Those who stop here and are faithful to God and his people will make more money and get richer than you that run after the god of this world.... We have been kicked out of the frying pan into the fire, out of the fire into the middle of the floor, and here we are and here we will stay. God has shown me that this is the spot to locate his people, and here is where they will prosper; he will temper the elements for the good of his Saints; he will rebuke the frost and the sterility of the soil, and the land shall become fruitful. Brethren, go to now, and plant out your fruit seeds. . . .

What does this mean to me? A lot. During the summer of 2010 I was praying about whether or not I should withdraw from BYU-Idaho and come home that fall. I fasted about it and went to the temple. On the way to the temple I passed by a fellow who was on the phone, reading his scriptures out loud. I heard him say, "go down into the valley which is northward". I was so astonished at this (for those of you who don't know, my home in Washington is in a valley-area... and WA is north of Idaho) that I turned around and asked the young man where he had been reading. He answered "Ether 1", the last two verses of which read

...thou shalt go at the head of them down into the valley which is northward. And there will I meet thee, and I will go before thee into a land which is choice above all the lands of the earth. And there will I bless thee and thy seed, and raise up unto me of thy seed, and of the seed of thy brother, and they who shall go with thee, a great nation. And there shall be none greater than the nation which I will raise up unto me of thy seed, upon all the face of the earth. And thus I will do unto thee because this long time ye have cried unto me.

Jesus Christ has a history of bringing his people away from their comfort zones into a land prepared for them. He led the Israelites out of bondage in Egypt; he led Lehi and his family out of Jerusalem before it was destroyed; and in the above scripture, He is preparing the prophet and his brother, Jared, to lead their families and friends to the promised land. He led Christopher Columbus to discover the Americas! Christ prepares a beautiful land for his people to prosper, multiply, raise children, and grow in freedom as they worship Him. Was not the United States a nation formed by the hand of God?

Our great Captain (or Pilot) does not reserve His hand for mass exoduses. Instead, I believe that He guides us each to our own promised land- sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. He literally led me back home to Washington and I believe "here [I am] and here [I] will stay" (for now... and except for my upcoming trip to Guyana ;) ). And what has He promised me if I am faithful to God, his people, and go to now and plant my seeds? He promises me that He will temper the elements for my good, He will rebuke the frost and sterility of the soil, and this land will become fruitful for me.

I know this is true and I know that this is what He is doing in my life now. I know that He is providing me rich opportunities now- right where I am in my life!-- to do and learn things to not only serve His children, but to also be prepared to be a mother to some of His sacred little ones who so desire to come to Earth and gain bodies. I'm excited (and a bit intimidated haha) to be a mother someday and I am grateful for the opportunities I am given now at my young age to build a foundation for not only my life, but for my future family and my children.

1. An account of the awesome life of Brigham Young is found here and here.
2. "Our Very Survival", a neat talk on prophets given by Elder Kevin R Duncan.
3. The speech, "These Noble Pioneers" (by the prophet Gordon B Hinckley) where this quote and the story surrounding it can be found in entirety.
4. "Christopher Columbus: Inspired Seaman". Written for children.

my camera. note to self.

why do i always feel embarrassed when professionals ask me what kind of camera i have? honestly, i love taking pictures, i like making money for it when i can, my camera was a very generous gift from my grandfather, photoshop was something my father was blessedly in the position to give, and someday (hopefully soon) i'll be able to start saving up for a nice canon or nikon body + lens, but in the meantime i'm totally privileged to associate with and learn from wonderful photographers!

so i need not have an inferiority complex when asked what kind of camera i have. so what if my camera isn't a DSLR, or i don't have a really cool f/1.8 lens (drool), or a telefoto lens (again, drool)? at very little cost to myself, i have the tools i need to develop photographic skill and that, in the long run, is extraordinarily valuable.

i feel like i'm fighting a cultural thing that teaches if you don't have the latest and greatest toy (piece of technology or whatever that "toy" be), you can't succeed. you must be competitive on every level as soon as possible and (here's the real kicker), if you have to go into debt for this, then do it.

i'm okay with taking the risk of calculated debt. that's what i'm doing for this guyana trip. but as things stand, i can't afford expensive camera equipment, and i have more important things to save up for in the meantime. so for now, i will drool over my friends' and peers' cameras and enjoy the wonderful camera and tools i have and use them to develop the best photography skill i can.

that is my reply to the "i should"s i have inside my brain that needed silencing.

the end.

this is crazy!

"i gotta share this on facebook, this is some crazy stuff!"

- what i would say about what i learn about occupy wallstreet, occupy seattle, etc.

- what my sister says about the newly discovered cyclops shark

that's right. i'm a sage.

so the boy she likes happens to like her. he also happens to play city of heroes, which is the online RPG that my dad and step-brother recently got her into. so it's their day off of school and she's complaining that he won't stop texting her to get online and play with him and she keeps telling him that she can't get on the computer right now. so finally she told him that he needs to level up to play with her. he responded by asking when she'd be able to play.

my advice? text him back and say,

"if you don't stop texting me, you will never level up"

mission accomplishment before personal safety

My brother had his first ever migraine last night. He said "I'd rather get kicked in the nuts."

I got to advise him a lot on what's good and bad for migraines and what they actually are. That was fun. I always like talking about the pathophysiology of migraines.

He even made a comment about having more sympathy for me now. My response of "yeah, I felt that for about 2 years straight" was the closest I came to saying "I told you so". He was very nice about it and laughed. It's nice to have someone in my home now who has had a migraine. He agreed that you truly don't understand what they're like until you've had one. Now, he had whopper of a migraine which involved a night long of dry heaving, but I'm grateful he understands now. It's encouraging to me.

He was a little worried about them coming frequently, but he doesn't have a family history of migraines so I think he's pretty safe. he seemed relieved to hear that.

Part of my routine when I get a migraine is to stop. Just stop. And take care of myself, so when I'm feeling better I can get back into things full swing. This is mostly bred out of self-preservation-- I tried the keep-going-with-a-migraine thing and the result was constant migraines for a long time, failed classes, lost weight (muscle mass, unfortunately), couldn't eat much.... you get the picture. So to avoid total incapacitation, I generally don't "push through" a migraine. Rob is now sitting and reading a book, per non-doctor's orders, but that was only after doing some work on chores. I told him he really should sit down and take care of himself before doing all that so it didn't get worse, but the movement seemed to help the muscular component and he proclaimed the USMC mindset of "mission accomplishment before personal safety". I admire that, and so long as he doesn't get recurrent migraines, that will work in his favor (and given his family history, I don't think he's likely to have recurrent migraines).

I don't think that mindset would work for me, but then again, maybe it would? I think the key is in following the prophetic counsel of King Benjamin,

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order. (Mosiah 4:27)

So, don't run faster than you have strength. But use the strength you have-- discover it, increase it, and diligently pursue your dreams.

you're being watched!

So I was looking at the stats for both this blog and my photo blog. Recently most people have gotten here from facebook directing them to my Guyana post. No surprise there. What's fun is to see the countries viewers are from.... Mostly the US, some Canada, UK, Netherlands, and China. Wow surprising.

Even more surprising, however, are the stats of viewers for my photo blog. By the way, go to google images and do a search for Seahawks drumline. the 7th picture that comes up is mine... as well as a few others. Apparently I've gotten traffic that way. Awesome. But that also makes me feel like I should've put my name on those photos. I think I uploaded them at a small size, though, so that's okay. I put my name on all photos now.

Anyways, here's a screenshot of the viewer stats for my photo blog. Interesting, eh?

me, as of late

Well, as you can probably tell by the time of this post, I have had some trouble sleeping lately. Actually, you could just as easily think that I woke up early, and that would be true.... sort of. I woke up really early. I was doing pretty well at that during summer quarter, but then there was that 3 week period or so between the end of school and the beginning of my job with the school district. I'm pretty sure that wrecked my nice new habit. [note, i began this at about 5:30am... then finally fell back asleep for awhile, then went out and took some pictures. thus why it wasn't submitted at the early time i was talking about. just in case you actually checked the time down at the bottom here and wondered...]

anyways...

First we'll cover the latest on Guyana. (If you don't know what I'm talking about when I say Guyana, please go here.) My fundraising page is up! I'm almost halfway to the $2500 I need to raise! (The fundraising page only says 2,000 but I think that might be because they took my deductible out of the total or something.) I'm amazed at how quickly people have offered their support and how generous so many people have been (whether they have a lot of money or a little). We've still got a little ways to go, but I'm not worried. I truly believe this is what Heavenly Father wants me to be doing right now and I know the the opportunity has come straight from Him. Since this is the case, I am not very worried about it working out. I think of 1 Nephi 3:7~

"I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing he hath commanded them."

I also like the words from the Children's Primary song about Nephi:

"The Lord commanded Nephi to go and build a boat.

Nephi's older brothers said it would not float.

Laughing and mocking they said he should not try.

Nephi was courageous and this was his reply:

I will go, I will do

the things the Lord commands

I know the Lord provides a way

He wants me to obey."

So I finally took the leap and decided to try hot yoga. I LOVE it. Every time I do it I like it even more. The heat/yoga combination is particularly helpful for my angry, trigger-point-filled muscles in my neck, shoulders, and upper back (they are large contributers to my headahces & migraines). Hot yoga helps the muscles to loosen up and calm down enough so that I can work out the knots and also strengthen my muscles without freaking them out and making it worse. It feels sooo good!

Also on the healthfront, I have a deviated septum with a dust mite allergy resulting in chronic allergic rhinits.... an ongoing sinus infection. The amazing doctor of magic, Dr McBride, has done an awesome job of diagnosing and treating me. But because of my pretty marked deviated septum (my left nostril is half as big as my right), we can't cure the sinus infection completely without my getting a septoplasty... a surgical procedure where they fix my deviated septum... aka a "nose job". Because of the trigeminal nerve which hangs out around your sinuses, your forehead, and your jaw, there's a possibility that my headaches are caused by sinus/nasal problems. I am, in the words of a wise YSA Relief Society President, "cautiously optimistic". I am hoping to have the nose surgery before the end of this year, but that'll depend on my doctor and my insurance.

And... the sun is beautiful this morning! With beautiful fog! I just went out took some pictures. I am uploading them now :)

guyana note

had a skype meeting with ve'ahavta this morning. getting so so excited about going! learned more about what we'll be doing, who we'll be helping, and the culture, politics, history and economy of guyana. did you know that guyana is home to one of two "untouched" rainforests on the earth? that's where the indiginous amerindian people live, and that's where we'll spend our time helping. (yes, i may wake up to the sound of a howler monkey.) most of the population actually lives on the coast, however, where it's a mix of various cultures but predominatly people of indian and african descent (from the history of slavery and then indentured servitude when it was a dutch/british colony).

interesting, eh?

next thought-- anyone in the kent area have a pelican box i could borrow for the trip? (or something similar-- to keep my camera dry when there's a storm or in case my bag falls out of the canoe or whatever)

words of the prophets & to the anonymous young man

Words of the Prophets

(or other church leaders)

Some Church members feel weighed down with discouragement about the circumstances of their personal lives, even when they are making sustained and admirable efforts. Frequently, these feelings of self-disappointment come not from wrongdoing, but from stresses and troubles for which we may not be fully to blame. The Atonement of Jesus Christ applies to these experiences because it applies to all of life. The Savi

or can wipe away all of our tears, after all we can do....

Mercy and repentance are rehabilitative, not retributive. The Savior asks us to repent not just to repay him for paying our debt to justice, but also to induce us to undergo the personal development that will purify our very nature. The “natural man” will remain an enemy to God forever—even after paying for his own sins—unless he also “becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord.” (Mosiah 3:19.)...

Life is a school, a place for us to learn and grow. We, like Adam and Eve, experience “growing pains” through the sorrow and contamination of a lone and dreary world. These experiences may include sin, but they also include mistakes, disappointments, and the undeserved pain of adversity. The blessed news of the gospel is that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can purify all the uncleanness and sweeten all the bitterness we taste....

...the Savior’s grace can bless us, beyond its compensation for our sins, in our quest for divine perfection. While much of the perfection process involves a healing from sin and bitterness, the process involves an additional, affirmative dimension through which we may acquire a Christlike nature, becoming even as the Father and Son are.

...while no other success of ours can compensate for our failures within or outside our homes, there is a success that can compensate when we cannot, after we conscientiously do all we can. That success is the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which can mend what for us is beyond repair. Perhaps, I thought, that holy influence could even do for this man’s son what it did for the younger Alma.

Bruce C. Hafen "Beauty for Ashes"

So I occasionally follow this blog. I don't remember how I got started on it. Seems like it has something to do with EFY or Hannah (Bush) Ryan. I don't always agree with Bro Jo's stance on things (mostly it seems like he makes general rules out of things that should be guidelines and with consideration prayerfully adopted or adapted to a person's individual situation. but that's a whole other discussion), but in this most recent post, I agreed with him 100% and my heart went out to the anonymous young man who sent the email. I ended up leaving a comment and figured I'd post it here.

missions are good but at this point, you absolutely need to be focused on repenting. many a young man has gone through addiction and served an honorable mission (i know some). many have also have not, but still turned out to be admirable men who married in the temple and are wonderful fathers and priesthood holders (i know some of those as well). if you don't go on a mission right away at 19 or even at all, it will be hard because at your age everyone asks about it. your bishop, close friends, and loving family can help you figure out how to navigate in an honest and dignified way.

my heart goes out to you. it is soo good that you chose to take this step and email bro jo. let your bishop become one of your best friends. i've had bishops i felt it difficult to connect with, but when i prayed about it the Lord eventually blessed me with the experiences i needed to know, trust, and truly love my bishop.

be completely honest with yourself- about your mistakes, the consequences, your future, and also your talents, skills, and gifts. pornography is definitely destructive to the soul, but satan would have you believe that it has taken over and eliminated everything else. this is simply not true. remember that you DO have righteous desires and cherish those. keep them in that special, sacred place in your heart and never, ever, stop hoping and having faith that through the Atonement and mercy of Christ, those desires will surely be fulfilled. focus on the repentance process, particularly using the church's addiction recovery program and other similar resources. this 12-step program will teach you how to utilize the Atonement in your every day life to overcome addiction, codependency, depression, self-hate, self-destructive thinking, and other unproductive habits.

the Lord loves you. i've no idea who you are, but i love you. my heart goes out to you and i sense that, like many who struggle with this same problem, you are truly a valiant soul who feels deeply, is intelligent and talented.

God bless.

Resources

• LDS Addiction Recovery Program (includes 12-step group locations and times and the 12-step book)
• Heart t' Heart a 12-step LDS group run by a couple experienced with the devestation pornography can bring and the joy the Atonement can restore. this group has many great resources.
• Clean Hands, Pure Heart book, written by Bro. Harrison of Heart t' Heart. he shares his own experience in achieving recovery from pornography addiction and has written this book as a guide through the 12 steps. (he and Sis Harrison have written other books as well-- I highly recommend them to anyone who struggles with addiction- whether it be their own or that of a loved one.)