here nor there? be here

Someone else to add to my gratitude list. This Friend is one of those people who drops me messages here and there, usually when I need them the most.
Friend just told me (via internet) to "lemme know how I can help you!". I began a reply and a couple paragraphs into it, realized it was going to be a bit long, but I liked where I was going, so decided to continue and that I would post it here when I was done. Here it is:

and... Thank you! It gets sucky when I have to spend more time at home, and then passing sucky when people doubt (the severity of) my illness, and thereby question my character. ([Friend] mentioned to me that "people are starting to talk"... that was pleasant (sarcasm), and somewhat diminished my looking-forward to seminary, and I miss that place!!)
I guess what it is is that some days, especially those when I feel above averagely unwell and miss out on things, I just feel like I'm becoming isolated from people that live even just 5 minutes away from me. I've gone from seeing most of the people I care about almost every day- even multiple times a day- to once or twice a week, if I'm feeling up to it. At a time when emotional support and connection with my friends is most needed, it had become the hardest to get. My parents are really stressed out, and so [Step-Dad] isn't always able to be as understanding as I would like him to be, and my Mom doesn't always have the energy to help me out when I'm scared, stressed, or just sick.
I've been slacking on the "basics"- things like scriptures and prayer- when I need to be devoting more time to them. I know there is a lot of strength to be gained from them, but sometimes I'm just too tired to get up the motivation for it. I think I do well at having heartfelt prayers, but I need to have them more than just once a day, and to give more time to them. Gospel study is especially important, especially with me not being able to go to seminary or institute most of the time- I have a deficit to make up for.
I remember talking to someone my freshman or early-sophmore year, (I can't recall who it was) and saying something to the effect that if I were ever to get sick, my friends wouldn't let me get isolated. I had somewhat of an idealistic image of people rallying around me, and going out of their way to be supportive.
I don't doubt in my friends' ability to do this, nor do I doubt their good intentions and love, but I must realize that my previous idea was unrealistic. I have to alter that idea- if I were to have a severe, acute problem (such as might land me in the hospital), I am confident that my friends and community (I speak of the church and family community- which are pretty much the same thing) would rally around me and my family and be amazingly supportive, helpful, and well-intentioned. I have seen them do such before for other people.
It's different, however, when one descends slowly into bad health. There is no message that makes its way around the community- "So-and-so is not doing well and needs some extra love!" There is no sudden resection from all facets of life. The resection is gradual, and by the time people realize what has happened, they have become accustomed to it. There is no internal burn to go aid the person, to reach out. With a chronic illness, the aid is continually needed, and people- despite their best intentions and truly good natures- burn out, get lazy, busy, or simply distracted.
The world moves on- rapidly, radically, constantly- as the chronic illness sufferer fights the pull of isolation. The threads that tie one to society begin fray, sometimes even snapping, and the person can be left more and more isolated as the world moves more and more forward.
I know there is a way to fight this impending isolation, but I'm not sure what it is. Sometimes I even doubt that I would even have the energy to fight. It's tempting to just sit back and let the threads snap.
Despite this, I have decided to not give in to the loneliness. I will pick the threads that matter most- my God, my family, my dear friends, and my future- and devote my energy to maintaining and strengthening those. Let the other, lesser threads to the world, to life, fray and snap. I may yearn- and even cry- for them, but I can survive- happily even- without them.
You want to know how you can help? What would mean the most to me would be helping me to not become isolated. I am afraid of it. I am afraid that it will happen, and I may not even be able to stop it. Call me when you're thinking of me. Invite me to do things- even if you know I probably can't. Keep me updated and informed on the things I miss. Drop me an email, or a message on facebook. Read my blog and leave a comment. Take pictures for me. Stick up for me. Stop by randomly- just to say hi and maybe even hang out. You're always welcome, and will always be recieved with gratitude (just don't have very high expectations on the state of the house ;D). Advise me, counsel me, listen to me, love me. Most of all- don't just "be there" for me, because I can't always be wherever "there" is. Please- be HERE for me.

puke n' plunge

I would like to say that vomiting, clogging up the toilet (honestly, I think it had problems before I came along), and then having to obtain a garbage can to go vomit in one's bedroom is passing unpleasant. But don't say- at least it can't get worse, because, oh man, it can. It's not too bad when it's just family- you just have to avoid the little sister who always asks too many questions about vomiting-, but when there's a guest, well, then comes the embarrasment factor. You have to plunge that toilet so other people can use the bathroom, but you're still vomiting, so you carry the garbage can with you to the bathroom and alternate between plunging and puke. It goes something like this:
Plunge, plunge, plunge. Stop! Puke, puke. Breath. Plunge, plunge, plunge. Stop! Gag, gag, gag, puke! (repeat)
Really, I think I have a new rap song in the making... (don't you think it's catchy?)
And then you come out of the bathroom with your garbage can and proceed quite quickly to your bedroom for some peace, while the exchange student looks at you in surprise.
No doubt Little Sister has told him what you're probably doing by now. And how often it happens. And she probably doesn't even have the sense or knowledge to explain it so that it doesn't sound like you're bulimic.
Great. Guess I'll have some damage control to do.

It's passing unpleasant, I tell you.

If it were further in the past than this morning, I'm quite positive I'd be laughing about it. Go ahead and laugh- you have my permission.

Fröhlich

take no thought for the morrow

Okay, so I can't sleep. Again.
Do I feel anxious? Maybe that's part of it... the other part is the stinkin' migraine that new drug: Zomig, isn't helping. Ugh. And I'm planning on getting up an extra hour early just to see if giving myself that extra time in the morning will help me to be able to go to seminary.
I hear that seminary people are starting to talk about me. Questioning- why is it conveniently worse in the morning? Is she really sick?
That kind of hurts, but I'm working on just letting it hurt, and not letting it make me mad. People doubting my health problems really can make me mad because it puts into question my character. I'm nowhere near perfect, but making myself out to be ill just so I don't have to do as much is most definately not one of my character flaws. It's not like I enjoy being sick. It sucks. I love being busy. I love people. Being sick doesn't allow me to be busy, or to see people. I know that a lot of people think it would be nice to not have to go to school, seminary, or church, but I'm weird. I like school, seminary, and church. I miss them!
So when people question how sick I am and if I use it as an excuse to slack off, it really frustrates me and I have to realize that they must not know me at all.
All the more reason to treasure the people that know the truth.
I think I might go take a sleeping pill. I never have before, but I really want to go to sleep.
I have a semi-full day tomorrow- I actually have to leave the house. I'm excited about this- seeing people, being elsewhere, but it also makes me nervous because I don't know how much it will affect my health.
That's all for tonight. I'll just hope tomorrow goes well and leave off worrying about things until then. "Sufficient is the evil thereof..."

Matt. 6: 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take ^athought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

New Years' Resolutions from Others

1. "About one arcminute, with my glasses on." This is actually pretty funny- once you understand it (I had to look it up). from BadAstronomy
2. "Quit prostituting my taste buds". I don't think I'm really in much danger of that, unless one considers my tastebuds to be "easy", which very well might be the case. (they're even starting to go for nutrition drinks and plain toats!) This one is from The Cheerful Oncologist.
3. "Uphold Magnanimity". This is a really great one that may just warrant its own post sometime in the near future! Also from Cheerful Onco.

I'll update this if I find any other cool resolutions.
Look for a list of my own to come!