to my future children

I watched a blog video clip from this strong woman (go to her blog, and if you can donate, please do).  It was from the beginning of the year and I just closed out of the page and it would take me awhile to find it again, and it was even on a different blog of hers.  Anyways, in her video clip, the woman speaks to her future children about her anorexia.  She talks about how she loves her anorexia (she talks about this a lot in her blog, too), but how she loves them more, and she wants to beat the anorexia so she can give birth to them and be a good mother to them.  This touched me, and I just felt I had to share my feelings about it.  I pray that I will say what needs to be said, and know to leave out what is not appropriate or kosher to share with the entire web.
Most of my friends and family know I was in love and engaged 2 years ago.  I'm not really shy about sharing this- just as, once asked, I'm not really shy about sharing most things in my life (or mind).  Ironic, considering I was so shy, I used to hide behind my dad's leg when I was little.  Anyways, during my engagement- particularly the beginning (while, imo, it was still pretty healthy and right)- I felt very close to God.  And I felt very close to angels.  And I loved my children.  Not that I have any yet, but I knew I would.  And I felt so close to them.  When we broke up, I felt like I lost them, and in some ways, that was even harder than breaking up.  Because I already loved them.  Somehow, loving them helped me get through that difficult, insane, confusing, upside-down, life-spinning-out-of-control time of my life.
Fast forward to today.  I feel sane, and happy.  Sometimes I really miss feeling close to my children.  I like who I am.  I honestly continue to struggle with being happy with where I am in life (my mind tells me, do more, be more), but I know God loves me, and frankly, I love me, too.  And lately I've had a lot of people tell me they love me, too.  It's weird and often unexpected, but I totally appreciate it.
Anyways...

To my future children
I don't know who you are yet, but I love you.  I don't have a family or a home for you yet (kinda need a husband for that), but I'm excited to have you come.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Thank you for being the wonderful spirits you are.  Loving you motivates me to do hard things.  I hope I can live healthily, so I can teach you how to be healthy.  I hope I live close to Christ so I can teach you to expect His influence in your lives daily.  I hope, despite my weaknesses,  that you never question my commitment to the Kingdom of God.  I hope you always know I love you.  I hope I can teach you what it means to be emotionally healthy- just as my mother, and her mother, have taught me.  I hope you love Heavenly Father, never doubt your divinity, and trust in His Plan.  And lastly, I hope you know how grateful I am for you.


Thank you, Camilla, The Night Baker, for sharing your story.

jumping into a rabbit hole and letting go of the wheel

"Question: how does a girl who falls- no, actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: she doesn't."

Okay, so, some things to get out of my mind...
Firstly, today's Sunday...
I've noticed a focus on integrity today in my lessons at church. It was good for me- refreshing; edifying; etc. One of those days when pretty much everything you hear seems to be directed directly at you (thank you God).
watched a movie that maybe i shouldn't have watched-- esp. on sunday
and yet it's making me think
because it's one of those that would be a pretty good ice cream... if it weren't for all the bugs in it.
i went on a walk with three of my bestest friends-- so fun.
almost... well, we won't go there, but someone did honk at me.... yikes.
I had a dream in which a Fish was telling me about 1 Peter chapter 1. So I read it. There's some good stuff there. Among other things, I learned that obedience (to our Heavenly Father) increases our ability to love. Awesome. I love the scriptures. And dreams. And dreamy guest stars...
So, there are things I'm wondering and would like to get straightened out in my mind... but I'm remembering the Guidance-- take it easy about those things for another month; focus on what really needs to be focused on right now, and then figure out those other things. Prepare yourself in the meantime.
And so, the questions, I will think about a bit, make my peace with for now, and work out the answers when the time is right.
Sounds like a plan, Stan. (Who is this "Stan" anyway?)
Okay, time to do bedtime (and pre-bedtime) stuff.... like dishes.
Tomorrow's a doctor's appointment. I want to swear off triptans.... we'll see what the doctor says.
It's time to say my prayers and go to sleep.
TTFN. :)

"You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."

"I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't."

(the qoutes are from that little black book movie; pictures are from google searches- gotta love google)

he's a keeper

Laurie Edwards over at A Chronic Dose said the following in a recent post on Gratitude:

...I am especially grateful for a husband who anticipates my needs better than I do, who can tell by the tone of my voice how much air I am moving, and who brings the world to my doorstep when he knows I’m feeling isolated by illness.

The whole post was great, but that, especially, I thought was cool.

Having been in Young Womens' at church for 6 years now, I have given much thought to my "future eternal companion" (cue cheesy music). Both at the encouragement of leaders and of my own volition, I have made numerous lists over the years about the qualities I want in my future hubby. The earlier lists had a few more silly (or rather- irrelevant in the grand scheme of things) characteristics than the later ones. Overall they tend to go something like this:

-active in the church
-strong testimony
-temple worthy/can take me to the temple
-holds the priesthood
-will be a good father
-loves me
-respects me
-gets along w/ my family
...

...and so on.

What Laurie said about her husband... that struck me. He watches her closely. Knows her well. Loves her so deeply that he concerns himself with not just her needs, but her comforts.
That is the sort of love I want to have with my husband.
And I think I would be justified in not accepting anything less.

The bit about illness, "...[he] brings the world to my doorstep when he knows I’m feeling isolated by illness" I could identify with as well. I hope that by the time I am married, my health will be stabilized and the isolation that has come with my chronic illness will be resolved and no longer a worry.
But in the back of my head, I hear a whisper that I may find myself facing it more than once in life. If it winds up being the case that my health is stupid for longer than expected, then it will take a very special guy to be able to deal with that with me. He will have to be understanding- or be willing to learn-, and patient. Long-suffering, even. It would be a burden on him. One I hope he won't have to deal with, but he'd have to be willing to take it on if needed.
But wow... someone who would "[bring] the world to my doorstep when he knows I'm feeling isolated by illness"... that would be lovely indeed. He'd be a keeper.

Who'da thunk it?

Is it possible that, when it comes to relationships with guys, I err strongly on the side of caution? I have always told myself that I would be really careful when I started to date someone. I wouldn't get seriously involved in a really short amount of time. I wouldn't commit myself to someone without careful consideration, discussion, prayer, and most likely even fasting. I would be sure to know a guy really well and that he really was "Mr. Right" before marrying him. All of this because of how prevalant divorce is in the world, and especially because of how prevalant it is in my family.
I guess what I need to recognize is that not everyone thinks like that. And they may not even be wrong.