to the man whose face i never saw

we stood in a semi-circle
waiting for you.
they rolled you in
pounding, pounding, pounding.
on your chest.

in the corner i stood,
never was one more
a fly on the wall
than me.
i saw it all.
pen in hand.
yellow notepad.
my job was to scribble. scribble. scribble.
everything i heard....

27 year old male.
epinephrine times seven.
he said ten minutes ago.
it's 1050 now.

tall man in blue suit.
pounding on your chest.
down. up, down. pound, pound, pound.

atropine. duoneb.
what are those drugs?
calcium. magnesium.
those can be used for the heart?
history of asthma.
collapsed in driveway.
you were on your way here.

purple scrubs. middle aged woman.
down, up, down. pound, pound, pound.

cordarone.
how do i spell that?
epi-pen
twice by family, IM.

man in green scrubs,
badge dangling over your body-

why do you have an epi-pen?

up, down. up, down. pound, pound, pound.

twelve minutes of CPR
before the ambulance came.
they found you in PEA.
he thinks he heard breath sounds on scene.
atropine.
what is atropine?

x-ray. ultrasound.
pound, pound, pound.
never stopping.

at the computer,
the lead nurse is typing.
“how many milligrams?”
“what size tube?”

the pounding arms get weary.
the second blue-suited man
moves fluidly to your side.
with a towel around his neck,
(he’s getting a work-out)
he moves his body
down, up, down.
over you, his hands go 
pound, pound, pound.

pound. pound. pound.
down, up, down.
with each impact of coupled fists,
I see, side to side,
your protuberant mass shift..

another nurse. he is pulling off your pants.
"do we have any scissors?"
naked.
you're all naked.
will someone please cover him up?
they keep pounding on your chest.
and the bag-valve mask goes,
pump. pump. pump.

i say nothing, but the nurse sees what i mean.
naked. you’re all naked.
except the blanket now covering your groin.
a small sign of respect.

your doctor is by your side.
you’ve never met him.
he's trying to save your life.

"a sterile gown!"
over his suit and tie.
shoes only a little more mature
than convers
peep out beneath his pants.

everyone gets a turn.
now it’s curly ponytail girl, in her green scrubs.
she moves down, up, down.
her hands go, pound, pound, pound.

blade and scissors in hand,
your doctor cuts into your side.
your blood on his hands.
he's trying to save your life.

“it’s been 45 minutes,” he says
“5 more and he’s dead.”
and as an afterthought,
“he’s already dead”
...by definition.

your body moves up, down, up,
with each fists’ pound, pound, and pump, pump.


until the doctor is at your side,
ultrasound in hand.
the pounding and pumping stop.
all voices stop.he finds
your blood flow has stopped.

blood on his sterile gown,
blood on his outstretched hands-
he turns-
facing the nurses, the techs, and the EMTs
(and the random hospitalist, too):
“does anyone have any more ideas?”

silence.

1102.

jumping into a rabbit hole and letting go of the wheel

"Question: how does a girl who falls- no, actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: she doesn't."

Okay, so, some things to get out of my mind...
Firstly, today's Sunday...
I've noticed a focus on integrity today in my lessons at church. It was good for me- refreshing; edifying; etc. One of those days when pretty much everything you hear seems to be directed directly at you (thank you God).
watched a movie that maybe i shouldn't have watched-- esp. on sunday
and yet it's making me think
because it's one of those that would be a pretty good ice cream... if it weren't for all the bugs in it.
i went on a walk with three of my bestest friends-- so fun.
almost... well, we won't go there, but someone did honk at me.... yikes.
I had a dream in which a Fish was telling me about 1 Peter chapter 1. So I read it. There's some good stuff there. Among other things, I learned that obedience (to our Heavenly Father) increases our ability to love. Awesome. I love the scriptures. And dreams. And dreamy guest stars...
So, there are things I'm wondering and would like to get straightened out in my mind... but I'm remembering the Guidance-- take it easy about those things for another month; focus on what really needs to be focused on right now, and then figure out those other things. Prepare yourself in the meantime.
And so, the questions, I will think about a bit, make my peace with for now, and work out the answers when the time is right.
Sounds like a plan, Stan. (Who is this "Stan" anyway?)
Okay, time to do bedtime (and pre-bedtime) stuff.... like dishes.
Tomorrow's a doctor's appointment. I want to swear off triptans.... we'll see what the doctor says.
It's time to say my prayers and go to sleep.
TTFN. :)

"You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."

"I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't."

(the qoutes are from that little black book movie; pictures are from google searches- gotta love google)

learning and growing experiences

A few things are bouncing about in my brain tonight. Firstly, is an idea I had while listening to FBI Agent O'Riley talk to us in FHE ("Family Home Evening"-- I've started attending the local singles' ward's FHE) about self defense. Secondly, are some lines from the hymn God Speed the Right. And lastly, some thoughts about peace.

So, first off-- Brother (I'm 95% confident he's Mormon) Agent O'Riley was talking about how adrenaline affects us in situations where we need to defend ourselves. He drilled into our heads the fact that there are inevitable physiological reactions to psychological experiences. Physiology and psychology go hand in. When someone comes after us with a knife, we naturally get kind of freaked out- that is a psychological reaction. Along with it, comes the adrenaline rush (physiological). Tunnel vision. Exaggerated gross motor skills, but poor fine motor skills (don't even try to play the flute when being attacked). And so on. He talked about using those physiological reactions to our advantage and not letting them take advantage of us. (Punching, kicking, and shoving an attacker however you can will be much easier than trying to contort their fingers or strategically land a ninja-style kick.)
Related this same statement he made, was the statement which I wrote down (in the little notebook that travels with me everywhere for just this purpose): We cannot control our physiological reaction, but we can (at least to an extent) control our psychological reactions. I found that piece of advice particularly applicable to me.
I cannot change that fact that when I get really anxious, I also get really nauseous. I can't change the fact that stress- whether it be actually "stressing out" or merely mental or physical exertion- results in a pronounced physiological response for me. I get migraines; I throw up; I become (easily) exhausted; I get sore all over; I can't think clearly; I end up doing nothing but staying at home.
These things I cannot change. That is just how my body and mind are wired togethor. Maybe, over time, that will change, but for now, that's my reality.
What I can do, however, is control (to a significant extent) the psychological triggers for these unpleasant physiological experiences. I can train myself to be more calm. I can manage time better. I can learn and then abide to my limits. I can change those limits by slowly adhering to and then pushing them ever so slightly, yet steadily. I can change the way I think, and thusly, I can change the way I physically feel.
I'm not saying that I can cure myself of my nausea, migraines, IBS.... by changing the way I think-- by changing my instincts-- but I can definately put myself in a much better position. Emotional and Spiritual health are much more important than physical health. Of course the three are related- tightly interwoven- but notice how if one were to take physical health out of the picture it is still possible to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. But a removal spiritual health results in a disintigration of emotional health (and vice versa) and often results in a decline in physical health as well.
Strengthening ourselves emotionally and spiritually gives us the power to deal with physical struggles.
Having the Spirit in our lives can do so much for us in so many different ways. Being spiritually healthy on occasion will cure ailments, but more importantly- it always provides strength to endure. I think, also, that it can help catalyze medical treatment. Let me explain.
Recently (in the past month or so) I have begun to feel better. It's amazing. I keep waiting for this upswing in my health to stop, but so far it hasn't. I still am sick much of the time. I still throw up. I still get migraines. But they affect me less. The migraines are less often and less severe. The nausea is still constant, but less noticeable (yes- thanks in large part to the lovely zofran). I have, overall, been able to do more (I'll post more about that sometime soon, I guess). I have been able to see people more often, stick to commitments, etc. etc. It's been amazing. I was trying to figure out last week or the week prior what might have triggered this change. Was it a change in medication? Diet? Exercise? Routine?.... Something had to trigger this change.
And then I figured it out.
I started feeling better (gradually yes, but still noticeably) right around the time I seriously committed myself to having the Spirit in my life more. In making my spiritual well-being a priority, I was blessed by an improvement in my physical (and emotional) health.
The "little things" (reading your scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping Christ in mind) really do make all the difference. They open the door for the Spirit, and allow us to be influenced and blessed by it. I am so grateful for this. I understand that my physical health will fluctuate, that's just the nature of what I have to endure, but my ability to cope- to deal-, with health problems will continue to improve; as will my happiness and peace.

Peace is very interesting. I have a tendency to freak out. I don't get panic attacks all that often any more, but my anxiety level is still higher than the "average" person's. I usually think of myself as having it under control, but lately, with all the things I've had to worry about, my anxiety levels have been a bit higher than my own average. I have even had a few panic attacks. Nonetheless, I have found that it is still possible to have peace. (I wrote about a particular experience here.) I realized after FHE (and commented on it to Excellent Friend) that I was feeling peaceful. Today has been up and down for me (feeling crappy, but then not too bad; worrying about school, but then having some things resolved; stressful things with family....), and I have a good amount of things that I could be worried about. It wouldn't be unexpected if I had a panic attack as a result. I was definately worrying about these things earlier today. But, once again, I found that Heavenly Father and our Savior- if I let them- can instill in me a sense of peace- a knowledge that everything will turn out alright, even if there appears to be no possible solution. With this peace, I am reassured. I am given the extra boost in faith and strength that I need to endure. The resolution, or Happy Ending, may not happen for quite awhile, but it will happen. That's what matters. And even though there are many reasons for me to "freak out", and even though it would be very reasonable for me to worry, in this moment I am able to be calm and assured.
I understand that this feeling will leave me. But I can find comfort in knowing that what that feeling testifies of will not change. If I get distracted from that feeling and start to freak out, it doesn't change the Truth. Everything will be alright. Christ will take care of me. All I need to do is live my life so that I am allowing Him to.
While talking about this to Excellent Friend, I realized something else about it. I need to actively seek after that feeling of peace more. Instead of waiting to be in a spiritual setting that gives me that peace, I need to adapt my life so that I am bringing that peace to it. I know that I can do this, and I know I'm on the right track to doing it. That's so nice to know. I also know that I will be happier and able to accomplish more and become better by bringing that peace into my life.

E. Friend had a tough evening, and I surprised myself when I sat down next to him by not questioning him about what was on his mind. Normally my curiosity gets the best of me and I try to get people to talk to me. I want to know what's wrong, and how I can help. Tonight I was thoroughly curious and concerned. But somehow, I managed to heed the prompting that I didn't need to ask him all about it. I have recently begun to be more patient. Slowly this new wisdom has been planting itself in my brain. People will tell me things when they're ready to. I just need to let them know I'm there to love them, and that I'm willing to listen IF and when they are ready to talk. If they don't talk to me about it (and I have made sure they understand that I am there for them whenever they need me) then obviously it doesn't need to be talked about to me. So for the most part, I have recently been more able to curb my curiosity. It's fascinating.

So, as I sat with my Friend, I decided that while I let him think, I would do some thinking myself. I prayed. I pondered. And I asked for help and guidance.
Randomly popping into my mind were lines from a hymn. Thankfully (since I could only remember the first two lines), a hymn book was right next to me and I was able to look up the song. God Speed the Right. Part of the second verse caught my attention.

Ne’er despairing, though defeated,
God speed the right.
Like the great and good in story,
If we fail, we fail with glory.

I'm going to be thinking about those lines for the next couple of days. I believe that it's possible to be defeated and yet not despair. To fail, but fail in glory. It is a very intriguing idea to me, because that perspective is not one that comes naturally to me. Man, and especially, I think, the American Culture, has this idea that winning is glory, and to loose, fail, or be defeated-- is awful. We must, at all costs, avoid failure. The idea that failure might not be that bad- that idea is so completely foreign. It is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around it. It just is not how I have been conditioned to think.
Ideas about this are beginning to come to my mind, but they need some serious thinking and time to develop enough for me to come to any conclusion. I want insight from other people.
So, dear readers (yes, that means you, Magnificent Friend; and...- do I have any other readers?), I'd like some feedback. How does it work? --How can we be defeated, and yet not despair? How can fail, yet fail with glory?
It's an intriguing notion. I think that understanding this concept might just be part of "[putting] off the natural man", and coming to see and understand life and everything else as God does.

Those are my thoughts for this evening. Good night, and I'll try to start posting regularly again.

this feeling is peace

There's a lot to be grateful for. On my mind at the moment are xenox, my parents, peace(think this song), and eternal truths.

This morning I struggled. I knew I needed to feel the Spirit. I needed the guidance and comfort. I was feeling anxious, and just couldn't shake the feeling. Anxiety has a way of clouding one's mind. It keeps out comfort, guidance, enlightenment- all things that would offer peace. I took my mom up on her offer to take a xenox- not something I do regularly, mind you, but I believe I was having a bit of a panic attack, and in the interest of getting the anxiety enough out of the way for me to be able to accept the peace that Heavenly Father can give, I decided it was worth it.
Church is wonderful. The atmosphere, people, and sense of community are a part of that, but even more- the gospel truths being taught at church are wonderful. The guidance and comfort that can be obtained there are nothing short of amazing. I absolutely love how it causes me to refocus on the important things, and, more specifically, on truths.
Eternal truths are another amazing thing. To think that behind the endless expanse that is the universe, there exist orders and laws that govern not only the motion of the planets, but provide a means to pure and eternal happiness- what joy! What sweet and wonderful, blissful joy.
Just as breathtaking is the fact that we, dust of the Earth that we are, can know and reap the blessings of these truths. Our loving Father in Heaven speaks to us today through prophets so that we may know the truths necessary to our eternal salvation, progression and happiness. I am nothing short of amazed and grateful.
On a more personal note, my parents are wonderful. Sure, I disagree with them about some things (media preferences &c), I may roll my eyes at them from time to time (and sometimes may even be almost justified in it), but when it comes down to it, they are nothing short of amazing, admirable, spiritual, and loving people. They are parents I am glad and grateful to have. Their testimonies, their common sense, ability to teach and lead our family, and their love leaves me with a smile on my face, tears in my eyes, and a sappy warm feeling in my heart. I watch them handle the critical things, and find them not wanting, but excelling. In that- what I think the most necessary parental quality next only to love- I hope to emulate them. For that, I am grateful to them.

Isn't peace an interesting thing? I woke up this morning feeling anxious, and probably got to the point where I was suffering a mild panic attack. None of the things that caused me anxiety this morning have been resolved. Despite this, I feel peace- a quiet reassurance that everything will be alright and I need not worry so much, but trust in my Father.

All may not be right with the world, but I am at peace with it.

zofran

In case you can't read it, it says:
U&C: $708.99
Pay: $10.00

Having insurance: priceless (well, sorta)

and my body lived happily ever after... but not yet

This is the essay I wrote to submit w/ my college applications. Since it deals w/ health, and whole host of other things which I either have addressed on this here blog, or would address, I figured that it may just be appropriate to stick the essay here. (btw, feedback is never a bad thing. *hint hint*)

I had my future all planned out when I was ten years old. I would graduate from high school with straight A’s and go on to the university my parents attended. I would graduate with honors, probably in “cat behaviorology”. I would then serve a mission for my church. Help troubled kitties. Get married. And maybe go on to cure cancer. I have since discovered that life rarely goes according to plan.

It was discovered in my eighth grade year that I struggled with both depression and anxiety. With the help of my mother, psychologist and medication, I learned how to assess my emotions and thoughts, to recognize those influenced by depression/anxiety, and slowly I was able to replace negative thought patterns with positive and healthy ones. I now consider my depression and anxiety to be under control. Neither bothers me frequently, and when one does I am able to recognize what is happening quickly and deal with it in an efficient and effective manner. As a result of this experience, I was able to relate to and help when people I knew struggle with mental illness.

It would seem that gaining an understanding of mental illness was not the only empathetic quality I was bound to develop. The spring of my sophomore year (2006) I began to be physically ill. I missed more and more school and extracurricular activities due to stomach pains, headaches, nausea, weakness, fatigue and other such vague but irritatingly interfering symptoms. My mother and I began to trot from doctor to doctor, trying to pin down a diagnosis. Multiple tests, scans, appointments and a few months later I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I was shocked. Pleased to have a diagnosis. Ecstatic that there was treatment. And comforted that all I endured was real and treatable- not just my imagination. I followed not quite, but almost, religiously my treatment routine, educated myself exhaustively on the functional disorder, and found my body back to nearly normal within the next few months (barring the occasional flare-up of symptoms).

I gained empathy for those suffering with chronic illness, for those who live with the fear that accompanies a “mystery diagnosis”, and for those whose lives consisted of medical appointments. I also developed a strong awareness of and gratitude for my health. I was more than ready to bounce back into challenging course loads at school, and busy days due to multiple extracurriculars. I was ready to move on, utilizing my new wisdom, and live my life just like all of the other over-achievers my age.

The spring of my junior year (2007) marked the beginning in a chronic change of health which made my experience the year prior seem a simple warm-up exercise. My IBS flared up. Medicine was adjusted and the IBS was placated. Left in its wake, however, were severe and frequent headaches which rendered me, once again, frequently absent from school and other activities. A few tests and many Excedrin later I was diagnosed with migraine headaches. Severe. Chronic. And really annoying. More difficulties ensued when I began to have difficulty keeping solid foods down. Suspected medications were eliminated, but did not result in an abatement of my symptoms. More tests were run. More doctors’ appointments. More medicines. It didn’t take long for me to realize that perhaps the Fates (or God) had in mind a different course for me than I had ever imagined or planned; and a few lessons to learn along the way.

I like to plan. I make lists. I get excited. It has been quite a shock to me to have my carefully formulated planning completely usurped. After my second round of illness (spring 2007), I decided that it might be a good idea to work on being more flexible. Since then, I have had to constantly readjust, reevaluate, and even sometimes abandon my plans due to illness. It’s stressful. It’s terrifying. It’s just plain annoying. Being forced to do this, though, has helped me to learn a critical lesson. I have learned to be humble and to trust in my Heavenly Father’s plan for me. I have had to surrender my desires, goals, and plans to His for me. It is an ongoing struggle to remember to do this and have faith. But it gets easier. I have seen seemingly impossible situations turn out not just fine, but wonderfully.

Another struggle has been restructuring how I measure my own self-worth. I used to be pleased with who I was and how I was doing in life based on my challenging course load and numerous extracurricular activities. The busier I was, and the more I accomplished, the better I felt about myself. Having developed a chronic illness, I can no longer maintain even a normal course load, and have had to drop most of my extracurriculars. I am so far from busy as to feel, at times, isolated from anything outside of my own home. This has been one of the hardest things about being sick for me. I love to be active, to challenge myself, and to help people. I have, out of necessity, been forced to learn that my value, or self-worth, is not based on what I have accomplished nor how busy I am, but rather, who I have become and who I am becoming.

My parents have instilled in me a strong sense of obligation to serve. Since my migraines began, I have constantly struggled to not “beat myself over the head” for not being able to serve as I would like. I do my best now to serve when and where I can as my body allows, but what I work to remember is that I am learning and growing a lot from this experience, and that when I have my health under control once more, I will be able to use that wisdom to help people in ways I would never have been able to without this trial.

Illness, in any form, is not by any stretch of the imagination pleasurable. My doctors and I continue to try and straighten out my health through trial, error, and brute determination. I continue to work on juggling life with health. Nonetheless, I would not trade my experiences with it.

I have been blessed in many ways which help me to keep going. I have received assistance from wonderful people ranging from health care providers to my everyday peers. My pharmacist, doctors and their nurses have gone above and beyond to help me out. The Disability Support Services staff at my community college has been a vital asset to any attempt I have made at school since my migraines began. Teachers have gone above the legal requirement of my Letters of Accommodation in being not only flexible but sympathetic and accessible. My high school counselor has been nothing short of amazing in the aid and direction he has provided me. My family, friends, and fellow church members have served me in countless ways, allowing me frequent reminders of the love given me which I have to be grateful for.

The most valuable blessing I have received from this trial, however, has been an increased ability to help others. What I have struggled with is by no means as disabling as what I have seen others struggle with, but it has given me a solid glimpse and firm understanding of what people with more troubling problems experience. My wish is that what I am learning now will allow me to someday render service similar to what I have received. Being able to do so would make all that I have endured valuable, precious, and ultimately- worth it.

...worth it...

I wish I could put something insightful here. I feel like writing. I just don't know what to write about- while still having it mean something.
I've been thinking about "the future". 1) Where I'm going for school next year- tho I will probably stay home and finish off my AA. 2) If I will still be sick or not, and if (at least mostly) not, 3) Where I will work. I've been thinking I'd like to get trained as a CNA and find some sort of job as one (hopefully not in a nursing home- those places just kinda give me the heebie-jeebies), but I just recently started thinking about being a paraeducater. I think I would like being a para-ed, since that's almost what I was when I volunteered a lot in the spec. ed department last year. I have over 200 hours volunteering there, I think, and the teachers love me, so I think it wouldn't be too difficult to get a job as a para-ed for spec. ed at the local school district. Getting trained as an EMT is also an idea- one my step-dad finds particularly good (partly because he's currently being trained as one for his work in emergency management). I would like, possibly even love it. It would be great. However, getting trained to be an EMT is a lot more intensive and expensive than CNA training and passing the para-ed test combined. It would be great, but might be worth it putting off until I wouldn't have to worry so much about the cost.
We'll see how it all turns out. Heavenly Father will take care of me. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and also that trials are for my benefit. I can learn a lot from being sick, so I'd better take advantage of the opportunity. I guess that's the idea, for me, behind blogging. Sorting out what's going, what I think and feel about it, and- most importantly- what I can learn from it.
There are a lot of things I could complain about, but in the long run, complaining won't get me anywhere. That pretty much means I can't justify complaining. Dangit. (I'll probably still try and get away with it, though.)
So, what have I learned so far?
A good deal about health care, medicine, and my own body. I've learned what it's like to have people doubt your intentions. I've seen how wonderfully kind/compassionate/caring people can be, and thusly had wonderful experiences that I really wouldn't trade for anything. I've come to understand, at least a bit, how scary it is to be isolated from one's community. I'm learning how to take things as they come; to not try and micromanage every aspect of my life; to trust that Father has a plan for me. I'm learning about how to rely on other people for some things, and from that I hope to learn how to be reliable for others. I'm learning compassion and empathy. I've learned what it's like to have hopes dashed, plans changed. I'm learning a new system to evaluate a person's "worth". I'm learning to value the moment, and milk it for all I can- especially if it's a moment when I feel (comparatively) well. I'm learning how to be a realist, while still maintaining optimism. I'm learning how to smile when I feel like crap.
I'll come out of this a better person. The time that I can't serve or help others now will be more than made up for when I am well again and can use my new arsenal of knowledge to help people in ways I couldn't have without that "wealth of wisdom". Remembering that helps me, especially when I start to beat myself up about the things I'm not doing (can't do).
I just have to remember the thing that matters most about being sick- if this experience enables me to help/serve even one person, it will be worth it.

thoughts for today

Exchange student left this morning. I'm going to miss him. It took about a week for him to integrate into our family, or rather, for him to feel comfortable enough to start teasing and being sarcastic. It was great. He chatted with Sister and I a couple of nights. Both were very fun conversations filled with all manner of remarks from insightful to inane. Now he's gone, however, and life is back to at least semi-normal. It's too bad. He was a good brother.

I think the new anti-emetic might be working. It's called Ondansetron (Zofran), and I was grateful that the insurance was willing to pay for it. Apparently it's expensive and they don't like to cover it unless you have cancer or have tried a bunch of anti-emetics already. I haven't been eating much, still, but I think it's still about the same as it has been for awhile now. Since the end of the holidays I have been eating less and less sweets- trying to avoid them, for the most part, and that seems to be very good for me. I think all this is why it's been over a week since I last threw up- yay!! Maybe it'll continue- that'd be nice-, but I have a suspicion that it won't. That might just be nerves talking, which may just result in a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Oh well, we'll wait and see....
Migraine medicine is less promising. We just upped my Verapamil from 120 2x/day to 120/morning and 240/night. I am still trying Zomig, and it seems like it works... sometimes. I don't know, it's hard to tell. I'll give it a couple more weeks to see. I think, though, that it works slightly better than the Amerge, but not as well as is ideal. There's one triptan left for me to try, and then I don't know what if we have to try more.... The doctor talked about prescribing Prednisone again to "break the cycle", but after hearing about how it made me anxious the last two times around decided not to (I think also because I was kind of wishy-washy on how well it worked). She said it was good that I'm doing yoga, and told me to do it 3x a week. This should help with my baseline tension-headaches. Sounds good to me.

I like yoga. I like how it stretches out my muscles. How it is relaxing and meditative. How it makes me more "aware" of my body. I like how it helps with my nausea, and even how it stimulates my digestive system (ie- relieves, somewhat, my constipation; though the resulting flatulence can be a bit embarrassing in class if I'm not careful). I think I even like how it is a bit cheesy and makes me laugh to myself as I think about things like happy babies, planks, cats, dogs, fire hydrants, corpses...

I'm working on discovering a study method that works for me. So far I've decided on two things. I need to minimize the amount of time I spend with my neck bent down (the sub-occipital trigger point gets to me), and I need to be aware of my mental status. If my thinking starts to get cloudy, then I should stop and do something that doesn't involve a lot of thinking, or rest, and then come back later. I won't get anywhere with cloudy thinking and it's better to just go and take care of it then to allow it to continue and frustrate me.
It's been difficult to get back into the swing of studying. I really quite have gotten out of it- starting last spring when I got sick. It's been eve more difficult to get back into the habit of studying and doing homework because I'm still sick. Hopefully I'll learn more about what works for me for studying, and develop some more self-discipline along the way (I'm smart enough to realise that I lack some). It's difficult, but I just have to remind myself to keep trying and learning and growing; and to not beat myself up too much when I struggle.

There was a fireside last Friday and Elder Bednar of the qourum of the twelve apostles came. It was an amazing fireside. He and Elder Merrill of the seventy conducted a Q&A fireside which turned out very well, despite most of us thinking he was a bit loony for trying to get us to ask him questions. I think my two favorite things about the fireside were when I asked him a question, and when he bore his testimony at the end. After I had asked my question and sat back down, he deferred to Elder Merrill to answer it, then answered it himself. I'd like to say that it is a very strange experience to have two people with such authority looking straight at you. That was something. Then, when he bore his testimony, it was interesting how when he said "I witness..." that he was using the word "witness" in a way that not many people can. Most of us use it as synonymous for things like "bear my testimony", "believe", and "know". The way Elder Bednar said it, one could tell that not only was he bearing witness of the gospel, but he himself is a witness. That was something. Amazing. The power and authority that backed his statements were quite evident. The leaders of this Church are called by our Father in Heaven. It's amazing.