to my future children

I watched a blog video clip from this strong woman (go to her blog, and if you can donate, please do).  It was from the beginning of the year and I just closed out of the page and it would take me awhile to find it again, and it was even on a different blog of hers.  Anyways, in her video clip, the woman speaks to her future children about her anorexia.  She talks about how she loves her anorexia (she talks about this a lot in her blog, too), but how she loves them more, and she wants to beat the anorexia so she can give birth to them and be a good mother to them.  This touched me, and I just felt I had to share my feelings about it.  I pray that I will say what needs to be said, and know to leave out what is not appropriate or kosher to share with the entire web.
Most of my friends and family know I was in love and engaged 2 years ago.  I'm not really shy about sharing this- just as, once asked, I'm not really shy about sharing most things in my life (or mind).  Ironic, considering I was so shy, I used to hide behind my dad's leg when I was little.  Anyways, during my engagement- particularly the beginning (while, imo, it was still pretty healthy and right)- I felt very close to God.  And I felt very close to angels.  And I loved my children.  Not that I have any yet, but I knew I would.  And I felt so close to them.  When we broke up, I felt like I lost them, and in some ways, that was even harder than breaking up.  Because I already loved them.  Somehow, loving them helped me get through that difficult, insane, confusing, upside-down, life-spinning-out-of-control time of my life.
Fast forward to today.  I feel sane, and happy.  Sometimes I really miss feeling close to my children.  I like who I am.  I honestly continue to struggle with being happy with where I am in life (my mind tells me, do more, be more), but I know God loves me, and frankly, I love me, too.  And lately I've had a lot of people tell me they love me, too.  It's weird and often unexpected, but I totally appreciate it.
Anyways...

To my future children
I don't know who you are yet, but I love you.  I don't have a family or a home for you yet (kinda need a husband for that), but I'm excited to have you come.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Thank you for being the wonderful spirits you are.  Loving you motivates me to do hard things.  I hope I can live healthily, so I can teach you how to be healthy.  I hope I live close to Christ so I can teach you to expect His influence in your lives daily.  I hope, despite my weaknesses,  that you never question my commitment to the Kingdom of God.  I hope you always know I love you.  I hope I can teach you what it means to be emotionally healthy- just as my mother, and her mother, have taught me.  I hope you love Heavenly Father, never doubt your divinity, and trust in His Plan.  And lastly, I hope you know how grateful I am for you.


Thank you, Camilla, The Night Baker, for sharing your story.

"stop it!"

President Uchtdorf said something awesome in General Conference last April.  Here's an excerpt from that epic speech (which you can read in its entirety here)

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon.  When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it! 

It's that simple.  We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. 

I think this talk resonated with all who listened for two reasons, 1) we all judge others and need to stop, and 2) President Uchtdorf presented it so matter-of-factly, and lovingly.

I came across the below recently on a blog I enjoy following.  I thought it rather fitting.

(photo from jessica hagy's awesome blog, here)

can't sleep, and i've never liked counting sheep

my first interesting (and inane) note, is how on commas. you see, as i was typing the title to this post, i put a comma right up there after "can't sleep".  my elementary school training tells me that's not necessary, but rather optional.  because it's coming before "and".  i believe there was some movement to take commas away from before "and". or at least be okay with a lack of them.  at least, that's what i recall mrs. bowers in the fourth grade telling me.  or was it mrs. rossall in the fifth?  anyways, when i was in training for my absolutely wonderful new scribe job, my supervisor told me i didn't put enough commas in.  she'd go over histories of present illness i'd written, and stick in a bunch of commas(an HPI the part of the patient's chart where you sum up all the stuff they told you about what's wrong with them today). we had a nice discussion about commas following this.  she's only a few years older than i, and so i wonder- did the anti-comma movement begin with my generation?  or is it just me?  so in order to make her happy, i began putting commas in all sorts of grammatically appropriate places which i had never previously done.  and i'm still doing it.  it makes me chuckle.
oh, and i'm not sure if this is related or not, but most physicians (and scribes) seem to be against double spacing between sentences.  i've observed doctors go over my HPI and removethe double spaces.  i adapt, and then remind myself that they probably didn't major in english.  oh, except there is one doctor who does use them, and i get excited because then i can type the way i'm trained to-- with double spaces after my periods.  except i think the habit might be wearing a little thin, because in writing this i'm havign to consciously remind myself to double space.
i flash back to that time in sixth grade when my mom, english major and all, reviewed an essay i wrote.  i remember her informing me that i needed to double space between sentences.  i told her my teacher didn't ask for that.  she responded that it's the proper thing to do, and even if my teacher didn't ask for it, i should do it anyways.  so i did.  and it became a habit.  and i never remember anyone else making a fuss about it during my school career, so either i learned my lesson, or no one cared.  or both.  but i'm glad that my mom taught me to double space.

now, if you didn't consider those previous 3 paragraphs a waste of your time, i'll just keep babbling.  and if you did, but you're still reading for some reason anyways, i'll just keep babbling all the same.

so it's 3am and i can't sleep.  why?  a few reasons.  the first being that i am a night owl by nature.  even if i get into the habit of waking early, it doesn't take much at all to get me back into my night owl-y ways.  second reason, work.  i worked night shift recently, and then some late nights since.  add that to the spring quarter being over and therefore no reason to be out of bed at 7am after working till midnight the previous night, and you have night-owlishness.  on top of that, i didn't really make it to my morning classes regularly for the last two weeks of spring quarter.  'cuz my migraines started acting up.
yeah, i should have expected as much.  and i'm pretty sure i know exactly what happened.  you see, i registered for classes full-time.  and then i started a new job.  and i still tried to spend some time with family, and have a social life, and date.  and go to church.  i was really excited at the beginning of all this, because i feel satisfied when my life is full.  when i am busily engaged in multiple good things, feel like i'm moving forward in my life, and have meaningful relationships with the people around me, i feel content.  more than content, actually.  i'm happy, and excited, and super grateful.
i knew before the quarter started that i should be looking for a job, and that i should be working.  i recall feeling confident about going to school full-time.  i was nervous about adding work to that challenge, but i knew the impression to work and go to school was an impression from my Heavenly Father.  i trusted that since that was what He wanted me to do, i would be able to do it.  and for a few weeks i did.  honestly, if i didn't have the health problems that i do, i think i would have been able to keep it up.  but that's what made me feel so grateful- i knew that there was no way without the aide of God and His angels that i could work and go to school.  and truly, even just the few weeks that i did do it and stay on top of things were nothing short of miraculous, especially when juxtaposed with my academic and health histories.

but let's catch up to where i am now.  the quarter's over and i still haven't finished my classes.  i have an arrangement with my teachers, so there's hope, but it still makes me nervous.  and i'm nervous about my future.  it kind of sucks not being able to count on the long term plans i make because my health problems have a habit of never resolving and popping back up with a vengeance for months at a time at least a few times yearly.  i like doing things, and i like making plans.  it's hard to feel limited in my ability to do both.
oh, and there's the whole thing about wanting to get married.  and have a family.  i don't want to rush into anything, and indeed, i find some fulfillment from simply getting to know and befriend the single guys around me.  i've been pretty happy with the state of my love life as of late.  but my attitude changes a little bit when i get sick, and am subsequently cooped up for days on end (where did that expression come from anyways?  when you break it down, it really doesn't mean anything... reminds me of a conversation my buddy stan and i had about the english language versus ancient languages).  in these cases, i really just want someone to have at home, to cuddle with in bed while i feel like crap and my hair is a mess.  and someone whom i don't have to worry about losing a chance with or dealing with those silly dating situations when i want to cancel, reschedule, or just change what we're doing for a date because i don't feel up to doing much.
and just so we're clear, i'm not saying that i'm looking for a cuddle-buddy.  those are nice, i guess, but mostly useless, and confusing.

also, i'm pretty sure i just babbled about a bunch of stuff to put on my public blog which i wouldn't have if i weren't both sleep-deprived and migraining.  like, my brain does weird things with migraines and pain.  one of them being a lessening somewhat in inhibitions.  dunno if anyone other than those super close to me would notice, but it happens.  i get to the point where i do something or consider doing something and just don't have the mental energy to decide whether or not to actually do it or say it, and then i just decide that it's what i'm really thinking and if the person i'm talking to loves me, or is at least a kind reasonable person, won't judge me if it comes out sounding stupid or crazy or childish or something.  because by rule i'm not stupid, childish, or crazy (technically speaking).

and i have no way to neatly sum up all of these thoughts.  there's a phrase commonly used by scribes to sum up HPI's.  first we say what the patient is complaining of, how long they've been experiencing it, any accompanying symptoms, risk factors or other pertinent information, and then we list a bunch of pertinent things they're not experiencing.  "so-and-so complains of shortness of breath, but denies any loss of consciousness, chest pain, palpitations, nausea, or vomiting" is important to note because it indicates they're probably not having a heart attack.  or "so-and-so complains of a laceration to his forearm after falling off his dirt bike, but denies any weakness, numbness, or tingling" is good to note because it indicates they probably don't have any nerve or muscle damage.
anyways.... after these things in the HPI, there are two magical phrases we use to wrap it all up.  "S/he is otherwise in good health with no additional complaints" and "s/he is otherwise in her normal state of health with no additional complaints."  it sums things up nicely (the latter is particularly good for people with lots of health problems who only come into the ER because they got a scratch that needs to be stitched up).

so, to sum up this post, i am otherwise in my normal state of health, with no additional complaints.

and here's a pretty picture for you to look at, just for making it to the end of this post.  i got these from my dad when i had my sinus surgery back in february.  pretty, eh?

some thoughts on falling in love

My friend Danilo shared the below quote and this thought on facebook today. I liked it so much I figured I should do something to keep it in mind ;)

Elder Hugh B. Brown concurs: “Infatuation may be romantic, glamorous, thrilling, and even urgent, but genuine love should not be in a hurry. … Time should be taken for serious thought, and opportunity given for [each partner to gain] physical, mental, and spiritual maturity. Longer acquaintances will enable both to evaluate themselves and their proposed companions, to know each other’s likes and dislikes, habits and dispositions, aptitudes and aspirations” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 27, 34). i love this quote genuine Love should not be in a hurry there is no reason for it especially if this love is eternal.

I've had discussions about this idea with a couple of friends recently.  My friend Stan commented recently that if you rush things it can ruin everything because rushing stunts the development of real love. Take it slow.  Don't drag your feet, but don't rush anything, either. Pursue someone you're interested in and let things unfold naturally. Genuine affection, commitment, loyalty, and true Christlike love for one another will develop. And "if it's meant to be, it will be."

every girl's dream man

 One day when I was in high school I sat next to the amazing Kaitlyn Shea in church.  As she flipped through her scriptures, I noticed a page with a heart on the upper right hand margin.  That intrigued me and and so I asked her about it.  She told me it was a passage describing the character of Captain Moroni- the kind of man she wants to marry some day.  This intrigued me and so I read the following underlined passages from chapter 48 of the book of Alma:

...and thus he was preparing to support their liberty, their lands, their wives, and their children, and their peace, and that they might live unto the Lord their God, and that they might maintain that which was called by the their enemies the cause of Christians.
And Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery; Yea, a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God, for the many privileges and blessings which he bestowed upon his people; a man who did labor exceedingly for hte welfare and safety of his people.  Yea and he was a man who was firm in the faith of Christ, and he had sworn with an oath to defend his people, his rights, and his country, and his religion, even to the loss of his blood.
Now the Nephites were taught to defend themselves against their enemies, even to the shedding of blood if it were necessary yea, and they were also taught never to give an offense, yea, and never to raise the sword except it were against an enemy, except it were to preserve their lives.
And this was their faith, that by so doing God would prosper them in the land, or in other words, if they were faithful in keeping the commandments of God that he would prosper them in the land; yea, warn them to flee or to prepare for war, according to their danger;  And also, that God would make it known unto them whither they should go to defend themselves against their enemies, and by so doing, the Lord would deliver them; and this was the faith of Moroni, and his heart did glory in it; not in the shedding of blood but in doing good, in preserving his people, yea, in keeping the commandments of God, yea, and resisting iniquity.
Yea, verily, verily, I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men.

 Yeah, not cool at all.  Nor impressive.  Nor awesome.  Definitely doesn't sound like the kind of guy that would make a girl go weak in the knees.  Nuh uh.  Let's go over the listed character traits, shall we?

• an effective and inspiring leader and organizer
• patriot- believed in defending liberty, land, family, peace, and the right to worship as one pleases; his "soul did joy in liberty and freedom of his people"; "had sworn with an oath to defend his people, [rights, country, and religion]
• a strong and mighty man
• wise, educated- "a man of perfect understanding"
• peaceful- "did not delight in bloodshed", believed in never raising the sword except in defense
• grateful- "heart 
• hardworking- "labor exceedingly for the welfare of his people"
• faithful, valiant- "firm in the faith of Christ"
• trusted that his obedience would result in God blessing & delivering him
• believed in obedience, doing good, defending his people
• resisted iniquity

Sounds good to me!
Now in verse 18 there is something interesting:

Behold, he was a man like unto Ammon, the son of Mosiah, yea, and even the other sons of Mosiah, yea, and also Alma and his sons, for they were all men of God.

Who were the sons of Mosiah- these men that the magnificent Captain Moroni is compared to?

Well, when we are first introduced to them they were the "very vilest of sinners" (Mosiah 28:4).  Now that's quite a thing to be called- they weren't just plane vile, very vile, or sinners.  Nor are they referred to simply as "the vilest of sinners", but rather the "very vilest of sinners".  That's not just a superlative... it's like a super superlative! Interestingly, the definition of superlative is "of the highest quality or degree". So effectively we could say that the sons of Mosiah were sinners of the highest degree.  Yikes!

Now the sons of Mosiah were numbered among the unbelievers; and also one of the sons of Alma was numbered among them, he being called Alma, after his father; nevertheless, he became a very wicked and an idolatrous man.  And he was a man of many words, and he did speak much flattery to the people; therefore he led many of the people to do after the manner of iniquities.  And he became a great hinderment of the prosperity of the church of God; stealing away the hearts of the people; causing much dissension among the people; giving a chance for the enemy of God to exercise his power over them.  [And he] was going about to destroy the church of God, for he did go about secretly with the sons of Mosiah seeking to destroy the church, and to lead astray the people of the Lord, contrary to the commands of God, or even the king... *

So the sons of Mosiah hung out with Alma and they were pretty much breaking the law and trying to destroy the church.  That's all, y'know- not that big of a deal...  But you see, Alma's dad was the Prophet and he prayed that Heavenly Father would help Alma and his friends turn their lives around.  What happens next is a pretty awesome story that I really couldn't do justice to try and sum up.

...as they were going about rebelling against God, behold, the angel of Lord appeared unto them... [and said]: Behold, the Lord hath heard the prayers of his speople, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; therefore, for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God.... And now behold, can ye dispute the power of God?... Now I say unto thee: Go, and remember the captivity of thy fathers... and remember how great things he has done for them; for they were in bondage and he has delivered them.  And now I say unto thee... go thy way, and seek to destroy the church no more...  And now Alma and those that were with him fell again to the earth, for great was their astonishment; for with their own eyes they had beheld an angel of the Lord; and his voice was as thunder, which shook the earth; and they knew that there was nothing save the power of God that could shake the earth and cause it to tremble as though it would part asunder.

Okay, so they were visited and called to repentance by an angel.  Did it work?

And now the astonishment of Alma was so great that he became dumb, that he could not open his mouth; yea, and he became weak, even that he could not move his hands; therefore was taken by those that were with him, and carried helpless, even until he was laid before his father.... and it came to pass after they had fasted and prayed for the space of two days and two nights, the limbs of Alma received their strength, and he stood up and began to speak unto them, bidding them to be of good comfort:
For, said he, I have repented of my sins, and have been redeemed of the Lord; behold I am born of the Spirit.  And the Lord said unto me: Marvel not that all mankind, yea, men and women, all nations, kindreds, tongues and people, must be born again; yea, born of God, changed from their carnal and fallen state, to a state of righteousness, being redeemed of God, becoming his sons and daughters; and thus they become new creatures; and unless this be the case, they must be cast off; and this I know because I was like to be cast off.  Nevertheless, after wading through much tribulation, repenting night unto death, the Lord in mercy hath seen fit to snatch me out of an everlasting burning, and I am born of God.  My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity.  I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God.  My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more.  I rejected my Redeemer, and denied that which had been spoken of by our fathers; but now that they may foresee that he will come, and that he remembered every creature of his creating, he will make himself manifest unto all....                     

So Alma went through a big fat repentance process.  What became of him and the sons of Mosiah?

And now it came to pass that Alma began from this time forward to teach the people, and those who were with Alma at the time the angel appeared unto them, traveling round about through all the land, publishing to all the people the things which they had heard and seen, and preaching the word of God in much tribulation, being greatly persecuted by those who were unbelievers, being smitten by many of them.  But nothwithstanding all this, they did impart much consolation to the church, confirming their faith, and exhorting them with long-suffering and much travail to keep the commandments of God.
And four of them were the sons of Mosiah; and their names were Ammon, and Aaron, and Omner, and Himni.... And they traveled throughout all the land of Zarahemla, and among all the people who were under the reign of king Mosiah, zealously striving to repair all the injuries which they had done to the church, confessing all their sins, and publishing all the things which they had seen, and explaining the prophecies and the scriptures to all who desired to hear them.  And thus they were instruments in the hands of God in bringing many to the knowledge of the truth, yea, to the knowledge of their Redeemer.
And how blessed are they!  For they did publish peace; they did publish good tidings of good; and they did declare unto the people that the Lord reigneth.                          

copyright 2011 CSager Photography

They became men of the highest calibre.  These men went from being the "very vilest of sinners" and "like to be cast off" to setting the standard of righteousness against which men in future generations would be judged.    This strikes me.  Christ snatched them from everlasting burning and redeemed them!  What does it mean to be redeemed?  It means to be bought back.  They had, with their sins, sold themselves to Satan and Christ brought them back from the darkest abyss to behold the marvelous light of God.  Alma says that his soul was "racked with eternal torment" but after he accepted Christ and the power of the Atonement into his life, Alma's "soul [was] pained no more".

This is one of the greatest stories of hope I can think of.  No matter what we have done, we can always repent. It is never too late.

The discouraging idea that a mistake (or even a series of them) makes it everlastingly too late, does not come from the Lord. He has said that if we will repent, not only will He forgive us our transgressions, but He will forget them and remember our sins no more. … Repentance is like soap; it can wash sin away. Ground-in dirt may take the strong detergent of discipline to get the stains out, but out they will come.  -Boyd K. Packer

Do not only hope to be forgiven of your sins- to have them washed away.  Hope to among the noble and great ones of this generation.  Hope to be like Alma and the sons of Mosiah, men so great they set a precedent of virtue and goodness which influenced and guided men to greatness for generations to come.

Additional Reading
"God Will Forgive" an excerpt from The Miracle of Forgiveness by the excellent Spencer W. Kimball
"Alma, Son of Alma" {the lessons we learn from his life give us hope...} by Jeffrey R. Holland
*The story of Alma, Ammon, Aaron, Omner, and Himni comes from the twenty-seventh chapter of the book of Mosiah
"Amazed at the Love Jesus Offers Me"  also by Elder Holland

backwards superstition, hearts, and some other thoughts

As of today, it's been one year since Roo passed away.
It's hard to believe it. It seems ike it's been such a long time... and yet a year really is quite short. I am an age she will never be. I have done, and will continue to do things, she will never do.
Perhaps there is a goal in life to see how much of our hearts we can give away. What good does our own heart do the world if we keep it to ourselves? But if we give pieces of it to different people, then when we part ways, those people still carry a part of our hearts. We may feel a pain at that piece being carried far away, but it would be good to remember also that we ourselves recieve portions of other peoples' hearts in return... perhaps with those pieces we are given, we can reconstruct our own, so that our heart becomes a patchwork quilt of the lives we have touched and have been touched by.
That idea sounds good to me. It sounds somewhat romantic, and probably a bit silly. Nonetheless, I like it.
I do not hurt for Roo herself-- she is happy, I am sure-- but rather I hurt for the missing of her. For the time I have spent and will have to spend without her. She has a sizeable chunk of my heart. In return, however, she has nestled herself a tender spot in mine.
That is how it should be, I think. By the end of our lives, our hearts will reflect so much about us. The condition of our hearts will reflect the choices we've made. I think also, though, that how much of our hearts we have given away will be important. And we will hold very dearly (treasure) the pieces of other peoples' hearts given to us.
So, what do you call this day? An anniversary of death? But I recognize it to celebrate a life...
Last Friday was the 7th anniversary of Roo's bone marrow transplant. She recieved the transplant in June of the year 2000 on Friday the 13th. She did things her own way, and where Friday the 13th was concerned, she was superstitious backwards: she considered it a lucky day. That specific day was definately a special one, with a solid miracle.
I wanted to do something special on these days, to remember Roo by. Well, I had a Red Cross appointment today to start volunteering... does that count? Eh, I don't think so much. However, a week from this Friday I'll job shadow at Children's in the oncology ward. So it's not on the 13th or 18th- it's coming up, and I'm excited. I just hope I won't get emotional or anything. I did fine in the Ped's ICU... but then again, I didn't interact much with kids that reminded me of Roo. We'll see how it goes. And-- if I come home at the end of the day and bawl, that's just fine. Every once in a while, a good bawl is called for. I think it has something to do with the heart.

So, Roo... here are some thoughts for you. Thank you for being a sister to me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for your patience with me. Understanding, sympathy, and empathy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and most of all- your heart-, with me. Thank you for helping me to grow. And thank you for the mark you left on me which will be with me throughout the entire rest of my life. In this way, you are still in my life, and I in yours, I'm sure. I pray for you often, and think of you even more. I hope for your happiness, and for the happiness of those dear to you. You continue to be an amazing example to me, and a cherished friend.
God be with you till we meet again. :)
Love,
~Cassanndre

jumping into a rabbit hole and letting go of the wheel

"Question: how does a girl who falls- no, actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: she doesn't."

Okay, so, some things to get out of my mind...
Firstly, today's Sunday...
I've noticed a focus on integrity today in my lessons at church. It was good for me- refreshing; edifying; etc. One of those days when pretty much everything you hear seems to be directed directly at you (thank you God).
watched a movie that maybe i shouldn't have watched-- esp. on sunday
and yet it's making me think
because it's one of those that would be a pretty good ice cream... if it weren't for all the bugs in it.
i went on a walk with three of my bestest friends-- so fun.
almost... well, we won't go there, but someone did honk at me.... yikes.
I had a dream in which a Fish was telling me about 1 Peter chapter 1. So I read it. There's some good stuff there. Among other things, I learned that obedience (to our Heavenly Father) increases our ability to love. Awesome. I love the scriptures. And dreams. And dreamy guest stars...
So, there are things I'm wondering and would like to get straightened out in my mind... but I'm remembering the Guidance-- take it easy about those things for another month; focus on what really needs to be focused on right now, and then figure out those other things. Prepare yourself in the meantime.
And so, the questions, I will think about a bit, make my peace with for now, and work out the answers when the time is right.
Sounds like a plan, Stan. (Who is this "Stan" anyway?)
Okay, time to do bedtime (and pre-bedtime) stuff.... like dishes.
Tomorrow's a doctor's appointment. I want to swear off triptans.... we'll see what the doctor says.
It's time to say my prayers and go to sleep.
TTFN. :)

"You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."

"I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't."

(the qoutes are from that little black book movie; pictures are from google searches- gotta love google)

i love my little sister

(I almost titled this note: "A Child's Prayer")

So, my youngest sister is ten years old and, as anyone who knows me well knows, annoys the heck out of me regularly (actually, that's not true, because if she really had "annoyed the heck" out of me, i would "have no more disposition to do evil"...). Despite this, I do acknowledge that the girl has a gift for saying beautiful prayers.

Today's prayer on dinner was... well... I just give you the highlights:

"We thank thee for this beautiful family which thou hast created and for the love we've built and have for each other..." (absolutely beautiful- I totally agree with her gratitude in that!)

a few sentences later came:

"...and please bless the ill that they may be a little ill, but not die..."

Do you think God will forgive me for my barely contained and irreverent laughter?

a sobering truth, and hope

My step-dad's career is in Emergency Management. As a result, he gets some pretty interesting training. He's had medical training, gone to "bomb camp" (learned how devastating IED's can be and how to deal with them), and this week had some training concerning terrorism. He commented to me on how today they had shown him some pretty sobering videos. One was a terrorist attack targeting elementary aged students.
Another was a five year-old boy talking about how he couldn't wait to grow up. Pretty normal, right? Except that this little boy wasn't excited about being able to drive, not having chores, becoming president, having money, or getting to do whatever he wanted, like most five year-olds I know are. This little boy (from somewhere on the other side of the world) couldn't wait to grow up because then he could help kill Jews and Americans.
What can you say to that?
How do you fight that level of indoctrination?
Can it be fought?
For me, it brings to mind the flood.

And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually....The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for th earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. -Genesis 6:5,7,11-13

In the third chapter of 2 Timothy Paul talks about the last days- our days:

This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.... men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof...

Nephi talked about it:

But, behold, in the last days, or in the days of the Gentiles—yea, behold all the nations of the Gentiles and also the Jews, both those who shall come upon this land and those who shall be upon other lands, yea, even upon all the lands of the earth, behold, they will be drunken with iniquity and all manner of abominations—

Mormon talked about how the earth would be in our days as well:

And it shall come in a day when the blood of saints shall cry unto the Lord, because of secret combinations and the works of darkness. Yea, it shall come in a day when the power of God shall be denied, and churches become defiled and be lifted up in the pride of their hearts; yea, even in a day when leaders of churches and teachers shall rise in the pride of their hearts, even to the envying of them who belong to their churches. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be heard of fires, and tempests, and vapors of smoke in foreign lands; And there shall also be heard of wars, rumors of wars, and earthquakes in divers places. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth; there shall be murders, and robbing, and lying, and deceivings, and whoredoms, and all manner of abominations; when there shall be many who will say, Do this, or do that, and it mattereth not, for the Lord will uphold such at the last. But wo unto such, for they are in the gall of bitterness and in the bonds of iniquity. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be churches built up that shall say: Come unto me, and for your money you shall be forgiven of your sins.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said,

Just as foretold, our days are fast resembling the days of Noah, especially notable for their pattern of corruption and violence.

The difference between our day and Noah's? God will not send a flood this time. It will get worse and worse until the coming of the Savior. (Mathew 24:37)
I remember talking in seminary about why God sent the flood. Sure, everyone was pretty darn wicked and such, but was that really a cause for destroying almost every single human being on the earth? If God is a God of love, then why would He wipe everyone out? At the bottom of Genesis 8 in my Bible, I have written a(nother) quote from Neal A. Maxwell, concerning the flood:

God intervened when corruption reached an agency disrupting point.

Basically, the people of Noah's time had gotten so wicked that it was impossible for free agency to remain intact. Such is the case today, as exhibited by that little boy I mentioned. He is being indoctrinated at such a young age that there is little hope of him ever believing anything other than what he has now learned. His ability to discern right from wrong has been severed in a manner which seriously disrupts his ability to use his free agency.
How sad! How tragic to have one's life so ripped away- not by death, but by wickedness.
But God isn't going to intervene this time like He did before. He has restored His Gospel to the Earth. It is up to us to reach out and teach people- to give them a chance at living their lives happily, instead of being consumed by the wickedness that dominates today. Yet, it is still a sad fact that many people will live out their lives with untapped agency, and thus happiness.
How glad I am for the second Article of Faith, which states that "men will be punished for their own sins," For this I am thankful. Our little boy still has a chance at happiness in life after death.
There is still hope, no matter how wicked the world becomes.

the medicine of friendship

I woke up this morning thankfully sans migraine, but unfortunately not sans anything else. Nausea was there, but what I noticed most was the mental and physical feeling of pure fatigue. My muscles felt more than just tired or sore. I felt as if my body were missing some substance which kept it from wilting, for I felt as if I were, indeed wilting.
I'm pretty certain that I've been struggling a bit with my depression. I'm glad I recognize it. I think the fatigue can be blamed partly on some depression. I've had a growing disinterest, or apathy, for things which I normally have a high amount of energy and concern for.
I think I might be trying so hard to not stress out about school that I have become a bit apathetic towards it. Towards my future. Towards my religion. My music. I have even begun to feel apathy towards my friends from time to time. It might be because it's easier to be apathetic than it is to worry overmuch.
But I digress-- I was not feeling well today. Physically I was exhausted, mentally I was foggy at best, and emotionally I was depressed. I felt that feeling of hopelessness weighing on me, even as I dared to hope for little things.
Usually I hope for comfort and company. I miss my friends a great deal.
I played some solitaire (spider- the best kind), hoping to distract myself. I practiced my flute- hoping that playing would get some emotion out, and release the pressure pent up inside my chest. I was texting a friend, trying to figure out when I'd get to see him next. I felt as if I were in a fog of apathetic depression (or would it be depressed apathy??).
Such was my state when the lovely Christine called. Just to say hi. She had plans for the evening with a friend of ours, and I found myself interested... I wanted to see them both. I didn't care so much what we were doing, but the thought of their company thrilled me. I think I may very well have been craving the interaction.
I got ready quickly and was picked up, and off we went. The evening didn't go as I thought it might have-- we did (and didn't do) things I hadn't expected. It didn't matter though. There was conversation- both silly and serious, inane and meaningful. My brain clicked on. By the time I got home (at least a couple hours later than anticipated), my mind felt so much clearer, and my heart so much lighter.
The evening wasn't easy. We did a lot, and talked a lot.
And yet, I came home happy. With a hope in my heart that I may just be able to do things again. That I may be able to live again.
It was good to get out of the house.
It was great to be in the company of dear friends.
It is wonderful to feel rejuvenated.

I am Jane Bennett...

... at least sometimes.
Jane was thought indifferent to Bingley because she wasn't overly demonstrative of her affections for him.
Do people think me, at times, indifferent because I am not overly demonstrative?
I think that may very well be a possibility. I can be very conservative with my affections. Why is that? Is it caution? Fear? Out of propriety? Shyness? Or is it simply inexperience or insecurity?
What would happen if I amde an effort to be more demonstrative of my affections for those daer to me? Would it frighten or unsettle them? Or would it merely endear me to them, and them to me all the more.
I'm willing to give it a try.

a necessity

What is love?
Love is this strange force which binds people together.
It is the undefinable antimatter all around.
It pushes and shoves.
Stubborn. Persistant. Unrelenting.
It sits and waits.
Silent. Patient. Understanding.
It questions.
And believes.
It hopes.
And doubts.

Love guides a path
that would never have been followed.
It strengthens.
It conquers what should have killed.

Love invades
as an army.
It comes in slow, quiet breaths or
In one quick gasp.
It seizes every cell, every thought-
every wish, hope and dream-
and shapes them.
Commands them.
It kills errant desires,
useless daydreams,
and arrogant planning.
It invades
and takes control.

Love stops
where others passed by.
It lifts up
and gives of its strength.
It grows,
and causes growth.
It is steady
and leads change.
Love heals.

Fuel.
Poison.
Medicine.

Love is essential.

dear friends

I am grateful for friends that I can call up at odd hours. I am grateful that they listen to me as I just talk- trying to get all of the percolating thoughts to simmer. I am grateful for their feedback, their input, whether it be extensive or brief. Most of all, I'm grateful for the comfort they give me. For their spirits. For how these friends can uplift me by just being there for me. I am grateful for their friendship, their souls, and their love.

So, to you dear friends-

Thank you. I can not begin to express my appreciation. I can not begin to describe how you have left your stamp on me. You have changed me, and left me better for it.
For that you have both my gratitude, and my love.