school papers and prayer

i was asked by a friend with an upcoming research paper due for school, if i had any advice on how to research?  i am by far not an expert (i do know some experts!), but i am comfortable with the research process, so i shared what i could and tried to be helpful.  after our conversation, i pulled out the magic book i have from my intro to college writing class which i took several years ago (On Writing, by Wendy Bishop) to see if I found any useful tidbits to pass along.

the author says (p 398) to think of research as it really is, "a process of finding out; that is, learning, as well as finding support for your ideas and presenting your thinking and arguments in the company of the thinking and arguments of others."

she goes on--
"all writers research.  they do this because they love to learn about the world in ways that inform their writing.  writers study the world: they observe it, they interview its inhabitants, they record the results of their studies and thoughts. ... whether consulting your memory or an on-line database, you're searching for information and voices to strengthen your own voice.  when you quote an authority, you show that you've considered the thoughts and positions of others.  you also align yourself with that individual in an ongoing, community discussion....  when readers realize you're grounded and connected- that you've done your researcher's homework, they begin to listen to your points with less resistance.  you gain a hearing and your views are respected."

i like the perspective she offers here-- it makes research seem like a more natural task and less daunting.  and maybe, just maybe, even fun!

i was thinking about this and realized that research for writing is a lot like praying (or giving a talk in church).  you start with a question, and then you research to come to an answer.  that research involves asking God, and it also involves utilizing the materials He's made available to us.  scriptures, conference talks, the ensign, other published materials, church leaders, friends and family, as well as more secular, non-religious materials.  in the process of getting information from all these sources, we become informed on our topic in question.  in fact, we become informed on more than just our specific question, but also on the general topics surrounding it.  eventually, we are able to consider all of this information and obtain an answer to our question.  sometimes we figure out that answer step by step as we ponder all we have researched.  sometimes, that answer is spoken by the Holy Spirit directly to our minds.  either way, the research we have done is critical to prepare our minds, so the answer can not only be accepted, but also understood.  when an answer to prayer comes to a prepared mind, the recipient is able to act upon it and then reap blessings and further direction.

Richard G Scott said, "it is a mistake to assume that every prayer we offer will be answered immediately.  some prayers require considerable effort on our part."  (see conference talk from 1989)  sometimes we have to do a lot of research to come to an answer.

let's consider the story of Joseph Smith Jr when he was just a young teenager.  he wanted to know which church to join, so he researched it.  not only did he go to the different churches in his area, but he spoke with the pastors and members and he spoke with with his family.  he considered all that each had to say.  he also read the scriptures and prayed about it.  he heeded he prompting of james 1:5 which addresses all those who lack wisdom, and prompts them to ask of God, who "giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not".  Joseph was determined to obtain an answer, so he heeded this call and went to a quiet place in the woods to pray vocally.  after a great struggle, he relates "I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me.  ... When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and glory defy all description, standing above me in the air.  One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other- This is My Beloved Son.  Hear Him!"  Joseph was visited by none other than God the Father and Jesus Christ.  his question was answered by Christ, who instructed him to join none of the religions- for they were all wrong and incomplete.  Joseph then became an instrument for Jesus Christ, to restore His gospel in its entirety upon the earth.  (See Joseph Smith-History)

research also informs answers we have already received.  D&C 8:1-2 reads "I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost."  Elder Scott elaborates, "When we receive an impression in our heart, we can use our mind either to rationalize it away or to accomplish it."  when we use our mind to help us accomplish impressions given to our hearts, that also often involves research.

a few years ago i was wanting to go back to school, but felt that my health at the time would not permit it.  i had spent a couple years praying, going to doctors, trying new medicines and treatments, going to the temple, and receiving priesthood blessings.  one summer i visited some friends at BYU-Idaho for a vacation.  while there, i also wanted to scope out the place, hoping that someday i may be well enough to attend.  during this trip, i felt impressed that i should start school there that very fall.  the semester was to start within 2 months from my vacation.  i had a to do a lot of work and research to make this happen.  i spoke with multiple administrative people on campus, sent a petition to the appeals committee, got a letter from my doctor, scouted out housing, and discussed my decision with my family (who all then rallied behind me in support).  it happened, and about 2 months after receiving the answer to go to school, i began my studies at BYU-Idaho.  it was nothing short of a series of miracles which enabled me to make it there.  but i had to prepare myself for those miracles, and i had to research all of the options available to me.

i know that through prayer, personal study, and action, we can receive answers to our questions and direction in our lives.  i know that as we pattern our life in all ways after gospel principles, we will be blessed.  asking God and then studying out our concerns is a gospel process- an eternal method- for obtaining knowledge and answers.  if this process is followed, we will be blessed in all aspects of our lives.

a new year?

Hmmm.... it's a new year and I haven't posted since last year!  It's late and I should be sleeping, but we'll do a quick update.

1) work continues to be awesome and I love it.  a couple weeks ago a man passed out in the radiology department.  ER staff was called over, and I followed my doc- let's call him Fred.  They started CPR.  Fred grabbed some trauma shears, and starting cutting the man's coat off him.  Well, it was one of those coats which is packed with feathers, so when he cut into it, the feathers exploded.  All of a sudden, you had 6 people in a radiology lobby, crowded around a man, performing CPR and breathing for him with a bag-valve mask.... with feathers which appeared like snow, floating all around them.  There was something kind of magical about it, and I'm afraid I can't begin to do it justice in this description.  It was kind of like a movie... with some Sarah McLachlen song playing in the background.

2)  I've started exercising again recently!  (And by recently, I mean-- this week haha.)  For the next few weeks, it will be hot yoga.  After that, my special groupon deal (20 sessions for $40) will expire, and then I'll probably just join a gym or something.  I made a deal with my physiatrist that I have to be exercising regularly to get another round of Botox.  And (dun dun dun!) if I don't, he has permission to give me a talking-to.  Yikes!

3)  Speaking of Botox, I got some back in October.  No, it's not for wrinkles (which I wouldn't have anyways, as I'm in my early-mid 20's), it's for migraines.  The idea is that it paralyzes muscles in the head which contribute to the migraines.  My insurance approved 2 rounds of it.  1 round usually lasts 2-3 months. I think it really helped-- the fact that I was able to work like crazy without any intense, long-lasting, or hard-to-treat migraines popping up is my testament to that.  I believe it's worn off now, as in the past couple weeks I feel like I'm starting to get migraines a little more frequently.  Another thing the Botox seemed to help with was my constant, low-grade headache.  I've had that headache 24/7 for 5 or 6 years now.  I think there were a couple points about a month or two ago when that headache was almost gone.  I remember driving and thinking "do I have a headache?"  It's a little hard to tell sometimes when you're used to it being there all the time, so it took me a moment.  I had just the slightest pressure in my forehead, so it was still there, but just barely.  Tiny enough that I almost wonder if I thought it into existence.  On a pain scale of 1-10, I would have rated it in that moment as a 0.5.  Which is awesome.  The idea with the second round of Botox is that even after the Botox wears off, the relaxing effect on my muscles will be more permanent, leaving a long-term relief.  Last time my doc only gave me shots in a few places in my head (a couple in the forehead, a couple on each side of the head, and a couple at the back of the head).  Next time we'll do a bunch of shots all over.  That will kind of suck while it's happening, but I'm positive will be more than worth it 5 days later when the stuff starts kicking in.

In case you couldn't tell, I get really excited about medical stuff and the prospect of my migraines being better.

4)  I've started thinking about Med school.  It's a long way off as I don't even have an AA yet (which fact I have accepted and is only slightly distressing to me nowadays), but the more I work at my job, the more I could see myself being a doctor.  I think it's work I would really really enjoy.  What would I want to specialize in?  I dunno.... Emergency medicine, neurology, physiatry, and hem/onc are all on my mind.  Surgery would be cool because I like looking at guts, but I have a feeling I wouldn't actually go with it.  Anyways, that's all far off, and so for now, jsut a dream.  ... Just a dream that I'll start working towards.

5)  Related to that, I'm sad to not be in school right now.  But I prayed about it, and I really feel that right now is a time to take a break from school.  Focus on my health.  Pay off some debt.  Save up some money. Etc etc.  I also think that it's been good for my pride to have my education pursue a more delayed, alternate route.  If I had graduated at age 21 or 22 like I had planned, there's a chance I might be a bit of a snoot.  Not on purpose, of course, but I think it could happen.  It's also been good to learn that God is in charge of my life- not me.  Oh, and perhaps one of the most important lessons is something along the line of Heavenly Father loves me, no matter what, and I am of value to Him even if I have not accomplished what I thought I should have by now.  One can be a good, successful person, without achieving many milestones which the world values as most important.  That whole idea is a whole other post in itself.

6)  My auntie got me a kindle for Christmas.  I've had my nose stuck in that thing ever since.  It's nice to feel like a book worm again.

7)  I'm tired from being extroverted and peppy last year.  It's time for sleep and time to myself.  And family.  And close friends.


I think we'll call that it for now.  It's super late, as I didn't get off work till after midnight.  I'll leave something amusing with you.  Was talking to a friend when he asked, "have you ever wondered how someone feels having a disease named after them?"  naturally, the conversation turned to naming a disease after him.

Meet the Rutherford Reaction: a temporary, psychosomatic reaction, usually in un-married persons, triggered by interactions with the opposite sex.  criteria for diagnosis: 1) an erythematous, non-pruritic, non-maculopapular rash of the skin over the zygomatic arch, 2) a subjective fever, 3) disequilibrium, and 4) agoraphobia.

What would the Sager Syndrome be??

can't sleep, and i've never liked counting sheep

my first interesting (and inane) note, is how on commas. you see, as i was typing the title to this post, i put a comma right up there after "can't sleep".  my elementary school training tells me that's not necessary, but rather optional.  because it's coming before "and".  i believe there was some movement to take commas away from before "and". or at least be okay with a lack of them.  at least, that's what i recall mrs. bowers in the fourth grade telling me.  or was it mrs. rossall in the fifth?  anyways, when i was in training for my absolutely wonderful new scribe job, my supervisor told me i didn't put enough commas in.  she'd go over histories of present illness i'd written, and stick in a bunch of commas(an HPI the part of the patient's chart where you sum up all the stuff they told you about what's wrong with them today). we had a nice discussion about commas following this.  she's only a few years older than i, and so i wonder- did the anti-comma movement begin with my generation?  or is it just me?  so in order to make her happy, i began putting commas in all sorts of grammatically appropriate places which i had never previously done.  and i'm still doing it.  it makes me chuckle.
oh, and i'm not sure if this is related or not, but most physicians (and scribes) seem to be against double spacing between sentences.  i've observed doctors go over my HPI and removethe double spaces.  i adapt, and then remind myself that they probably didn't major in english.  oh, except there is one doctor who does use them, and i get excited because then i can type the way i'm trained to-- with double spaces after my periods.  except i think the habit might be wearing a little thin, because in writing this i'm havign to consciously remind myself to double space.
i flash back to that time in sixth grade when my mom, english major and all, reviewed an essay i wrote.  i remember her informing me that i needed to double space between sentences.  i told her my teacher didn't ask for that.  she responded that it's the proper thing to do, and even if my teacher didn't ask for it, i should do it anyways.  so i did.  and it became a habit.  and i never remember anyone else making a fuss about it during my school career, so either i learned my lesson, or no one cared.  or both.  but i'm glad that my mom taught me to double space.

now, if you didn't consider those previous 3 paragraphs a waste of your time, i'll just keep babbling.  and if you did, but you're still reading for some reason anyways, i'll just keep babbling all the same.

so it's 3am and i can't sleep.  why?  a few reasons.  the first being that i am a night owl by nature.  even if i get into the habit of waking early, it doesn't take much at all to get me back into my night owl-y ways.  second reason, work.  i worked night shift recently, and then some late nights since.  add that to the spring quarter being over and therefore no reason to be out of bed at 7am after working till midnight the previous night, and you have night-owlishness.  on top of that, i didn't really make it to my morning classes regularly for the last two weeks of spring quarter.  'cuz my migraines started acting up.
yeah, i should have expected as much.  and i'm pretty sure i know exactly what happened.  you see, i registered for classes full-time.  and then i started a new job.  and i still tried to spend some time with family, and have a social life, and date.  and go to church.  i was really excited at the beginning of all this, because i feel satisfied when my life is full.  when i am busily engaged in multiple good things, feel like i'm moving forward in my life, and have meaningful relationships with the people around me, i feel content.  more than content, actually.  i'm happy, and excited, and super grateful.
i knew before the quarter started that i should be looking for a job, and that i should be working.  i recall feeling confident about going to school full-time.  i was nervous about adding work to that challenge, but i knew the impression to work and go to school was an impression from my Heavenly Father.  i trusted that since that was what He wanted me to do, i would be able to do it.  and for a few weeks i did.  honestly, if i didn't have the health problems that i do, i think i would have been able to keep it up.  but that's what made me feel so grateful- i knew that there was no way without the aide of God and His angels that i could work and go to school.  and truly, even just the few weeks that i did do it and stay on top of things were nothing short of miraculous, especially when juxtaposed with my academic and health histories.

but let's catch up to where i am now.  the quarter's over and i still haven't finished my classes.  i have an arrangement with my teachers, so there's hope, but it still makes me nervous.  and i'm nervous about my future.  it kind of sucks not being able to count on the long term plans i make because my health problems have a habit of never resolving and popping back up with a vengeance for months at a time at least a few times yearly.  i like doing things, and i like making plans.  it's hard to feel limited in my ability to do both.
oh, and there's the whole thing about wanting to get married.  and have a family.  i don't want to rush into anything, and indeed, i find some fulfillment from simply getting to know and befriend the single guys around me.  i've been pretty happy with the state of my love life as of late.  but my attitude changes a little bit when i get sick, and am subsequently cooped up for days on end (where did that expression come from anyways?  when you break it down, it really doesn't mean anything... reminds me of a conversation my buddy stan and i had about the english language versus ancient languages).  in these cases, i really just want someone to have at home, to cuddle with in bed while i feel like crap and my hair is a mess.  and someone whom i don't have to worry about losing a chance with or dealing with those silly dating situations when i want to cancel, reschedule, or just change what we're doing for a date because i don't feel up to doing much.
and just so we're clear, i'm not saying that i'm looking for a cuddle-buddy.  those are nice, i guess, but mostly useless, and confusing.

also, i'm pretty sure i just babbled about a bunch of stuff to put on my public blog which i wouldn't have if i weren't both sleep-deprived and migraining.  like, my brain does weird things with migraines and pain.  one of them being a lessening somewhat in inhibitions.  dunno if anyone other than those super close to me would notice, but it happens.  i get to the point where i do something or consider doing something and just don't have the mental energy to decide whether or not to actually do it or say it, and then i just decide that it's what i'm really thinking and if the person i'm talking to loves me, or is at least a kind reasonable person, won't judge me if it comes out sounding stupid or crazy or childish or something.  because by rule i'm not stupid, childish, or crazy (technically speaking).

and i have no way to neatly sum up all of these thoughts.  there's a phrase commonly used by scribes to sum up HPI's.  first we say what the patient is complaining of, how long they've been experiencing it, any accompanying symptoms, risk factors or other pertinent information, and then we list a bunch of pertinent things they're not experiencing.  "so-and-so complains of shortness of breath, but denies any loss of consciousness, chest pain, palpitations, nausea, or vomiting" is important to note because it indicates they're probably not having a heart attack.  or "so-and-so complains of a laceration to his forearm after falling off his dirt bike, but denies any weakness, numbness, or tingling" is good to note because it indicates they probably don't have any nerve or muscle damage.
anyways.... after these things in the HPI, there are two magical phrases we use to wrap it all up.  "S/he is otherwise in good health with no additional complaints" and "s/he is otherwise in her normal state of health with no additional complaints."  it sums things up nicely (the latter is particularly good for people with lots of health problems who only come into the ER because they got a scratch that needs to be stitched up).

so, to sum up this post, i am otherwise in my normal state of health, with no additional complaints.

and here's a pretty picture for you to look at, just for making it to the end of this post.  i got these from my dad when i had my sinus surgery back in february.  pretty, eh?

About Me

In case reading my blog doesn't give you a clear enough picture of who I am, I've decided to share with you the "About Me" page I wrote for my English class.  It's written a little bit more boldly than I am likely to speak in person, but that's mostly because I couldn't figure out another way to fill up a whole page with information about myself without it being a boring life history or something.

My name is Cassànndrè Sager.  You may recognize me as the one who wears sunglasses.  Since we’ve been asked to share a little bit about ourselves, I’ll take this opportunity to explain why so you don’t think I’m just the sunglasses freak who is trying to be cool.  The high frequency flickering of florescent lights (as well as energy-saver light bulbs) gives me migraines.  So pretty much anywhere florescent lights are found I wear sunglasses.  It kind of sucks getting migraines but I happen to find studying them fascinating so that makes it okay.  If you ever have any questions about migraines or headaches feel free to ask me and I’ll tell you all about them, probably in more detail than you wanted.

I am aiming to finish my AA degree by the end of this year and then pursue a four year degree in biology.  I love studying anatomy-physiology and pathology and want to pursue a career in the healthcare field.

For the better part of the past two years I have been employed as a para-educator in the Kent School District, mostly recently substituting across the district.  It is usually a fun job as the kids in special education are usually sweethearts, and the staff are great.  School Adjustment classes get a little interesting (those are the kids with behavior problems) but I usually find it amusing.  The only times I mildly wonder if I am getting paid enough are when students lead me on wild goose chases around the school and I have to keep up because it is my responsibility to keep them out of trouble.

The love of my life is my family’s Labrador-Rottweiler mix, Bella.  She is a 100+ lbs of puppy love who sometimes thinks she is a lap dog.  She has a scary bark but the cat usually has her under his control.  She is currently lying on the floor next to me, wearing her lavender-colored floral bandanna and snoring contentedly.

 I do some custom photography on the side.  I’ve done portraits, engagements and weddings.  Engagements may be my favorite because couples in love are so fun to work with and photo-shoots are usually low pressure and laid back.  One of my favorite things about shooting weddings (aside from seeing the radiant bride and very proud groom) is getting to “shoot” the bride, groom and their entire families and afterwards “burn” the wedding dress (burning is an editing technique used to increase the exposure of specific areas of a photo).

Ballroom dancing is my favorite way to exercise.  I started when I went to Brigham Young University- Idaho (a magical place in the middle of nowhere) for a year and have kept it up since returning home.  I’ve been dancing for three years and absolutely love it.  Cha-cha, Tango, Waltz, and Rumba are my favorites.  And lindy-hop.  And West coast swing.  Foxtrot is pretty cool, too, but like Tango I rarely get the chance to dance it.  I’ve recently started learning more Latin dancing.  This is its own brand of awesome.  If you are interesting in learning how to dance or ever wanting to go dance, let me know.  I have a nice group of friends with whom I go dancing and we always welcome more people.

The rest of my free time is taken up by church meetings and activities with my young single adult congregation.  We have dances, games, lessons, potlucks, conferences, and more.  It’s a good group of people with diverse backgrounds.  I’m a Mormon and like so many Mormons I believe in being kind to other people, attending at least three hours of Church on Sundays, and having what we call funeral potatoes at any potluck.  I also happen to be ridiculously familiar with Utah for someone who’s never really lived there. 

And that’s me… in one page (phew!).

jumping into a rabbit hole and letting go of the wheel

"Question: how does a girl who falls- no, actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: she doesn't."

Okay, so, some things to get out of my mind...
Firstly, today's Sunday...
I've noticed a focus on integrity today in my lessons at church. It was good for me- refreshing; edifying; etc. One of those days when pretty much everything you hear seems to be directed directly at you (thank you God).
watched a movie that maybe i shouldn't have watched-- esp. on sunday
and yet it's making me think
because it's one of those that would be a pretty good ice cream... if it weren't for all the bugs in it.
i went on a walk with three of my bestest friends-- so fun.
almost... well, we won't go there, but someone did honk at me.... yikes.
I had a dream in which a Fish was telling me about 1 Peter chapter 1. So I read it. There's some good stuff there. Among other things, I learned that obedience (to our Heavenly Father) increases our ability to love. Awesome. I love the scriptures. And dreams. And dreamy guest stars...
So, there are things I'm wondering and would like to get straightened out in my mind... but I'm remembering the Guidance-- take it easy about those things for another month; focus on what really needs to be focused on right now, and then figure out those other things. Prepare yourself in the meantime.
And so, the questions, I will think about a bit, make my peace with for now, and work out the answers when the time is right.
Sounds like a plan, Stan. (Who is this "Stan" anyway?)
Okay, time to do bedtime (and pre-bedtime) stuff.... like dishes.
Tomorrow's a doctor's appointment. I want to swear off triptans.... we'll see what the doctor says.
It's time to say my prayers and go to sleep.
TTFN. :)

"You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."

"I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't."

(the qoutes are from that little black book movie; pictures are from google searches- gotta love google)

learning and growing experiences

A few things are bouncing about in my brain tonight. Firstly, is an idea I had while listening to FBI Agent O'Riley talk to us in FHE ("Family Home Evening"-- I've started attending the local singles' ward's FHE) about self defense. Secondly, are some lines from the hymn God Speed the Right. And lastly, some thoughts about peace.

So, first off-- Brother (I'm 95% confident he's Mormon) Agent O'Riley was talking about how adrenaline affects us in situations where we need to defend ourselves. He drilled into our heads the fact that there are inevitable physiological reactions to psychological experiences. Physiology and psychology go hand in. When someone comes after us with a knife, we naturally get kind of freaked out- that is a psychological reaction. Along with it, comes the adrenaline rush (physiological). Tunnel vision. Exaggerated gross motor skills, but poor fine motor skills (don't even try to play the flute when being attacked). And so on. He talked about using those physiological reactions to our advantage and not letting them take advantage of us. (Punching, kicking, and shoving an attacker however you can will be much easier than trying to contort their fingers or strategically land a ninja-style kick.)
Related this same statement he made, was the statement which I wrote down (in the little notebook that travels with me everywhere for just this purpose): We cannot control our physiological reaction, but we can (at least to an extent) control our psychological reactions. I found that piece of advice particularly applicable to me.
I cannot change that fact that when I get really anxious, I also get really nauseous. I can't change the fact that stress- whether it be actually "stressing out" or merely mental or physical exertion- results in a pronounced physiological response for me. I get migraines; I throw up; I become (easily) exhausted; I get sore all over; I can't think clearly; I end up doing nothing but staying at home.
These things I cannot change. That is just how my body and mind are wired togethor. Maybe, over time, that will change, but for now, that's my reality.
What I can do, however, is control (to a significant extent) the psychological triggers for these unpleasant physiological experiences. I can train myself to be more calm. I can manage time better. I can learn and then abide to my limits. I can change those limits by slowly adhering to and then pushing them ever so slightly, yet steadily. I can change the way I think, and thusly, I can change the way I physically feel.
I'm not saying that I can cure myself of my nausea, migraines, IBS.... by changing the way I think-- by changing my instincts-- but I can definately put myself in a much better position. Emotional and Spiritual health are much more important than physical health. Of course the three are related- tightly interwoven- but notice how if one were to take physical health out of the picture it is still possible to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. But a removal spiritual health results in a disintigration of emotional health (and vice versa) and often results in a decline in physical health as well.
Strengthening ourselves emotionally and spiritually gives us the power to deal with physical struggles.
Having the Spirit in our lives can do so much for us in so many different ways. Being spiritually healthy on occasion will cure ailments, but more importantly- it always provides strength to endure. I think, also, that it can help catalyze medical treatment. Let me explain.
Recently (in the past month or so) I have begun to feel better. It's amazing. I keep waiting for this upswing in my health to stop, but so far it hasn't. I still am sick much of the time. I still throw up. I still get migraines. But they affect me less. The migraines are less often and less severe. The nausea is still constant, but less noticeable (yes- thanks in large part to the lovely zofran). I have, overall, been able to do more (I'll post more about that sometime soon, I guess). I have been able to see people more often, stick to commitments, etc. etc. It's been amazing. I was trying to figure out last week or the week prior what might have triggered this change. Was it a change in medication? Diet? Exercise? Routine?.... Something had to trigger this change.
And then I figured it out.
I started feeling better (gradually yes, but still noticeably) right around the time I seriously committed myself to having the Spirit in my life more. In making my spiritual well-being a priority, I was blessed by an improvement in my physical (and emotional) health.
The "little things" (reading your scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping Christ in mind) really do make all the difference. They open the door for the Spirit, and allow us to be influenced and blessed by it. I am so grateful for this. I understand that my physical health will fluctuate, that's just the nature of what I have to endure, but my ability to cope- to deal-, with health problems will continue to improve; as will my happiness and peace.

Peace is very interesting. I have a tendency to freak out. I don't get panic attacks all that often any more, but my anxiety level is still higher than the "average" person's. I usually think of myself as having it under control, but lately, with all the things I've had to worry about, my anxiety levels have been a bit higher than my own average. I have even had a few panic attacks. Nonetheless, I have found that it is still possible to have peace. (I wrote about a particular experience here.) I realized after FHE (and commented on it to Excellent Friend) that I was feeling peaceful. Today has been up and down for me (feeling crappy, but then not too bad; worrying about school, but then having some things resolved; stressful things with family....), and I have a good amount of things that I could be worried about. It wouldn't be unexpected if I had a panic attack as a result. I was definately worrying about these things earlier today. But, once again, I found that Heavenly Father and our Savior- if I let them- can instill in me a sense of peace- a knowledge that everything will turn out alright, even if there appears to be no possible solution. With this peace, I am reassured. I am given the extra boost in faith and strength that I need to endure. The resolution, or Happy Ending, may not happen for quite awhile, but it will happen. That's what matters. And even though there are many reasons for me to "freak out", and even though it would be very reasonable for me to worry, in this moment I am able to be calm and assured.
I understand that this feeling will leave me. But I can find comfort in knowing that what that feeling testifies of will not change. If I get distracted from that feeling and start to freak out, it doesn't change the Truth. Everything will be alright. Christ will take care of me. All I need to do is live my life so that I am allowing Him to.
While talking about this to Excellent Friend, I realized something else about it. I need to actively seek after that feeling of peace more. Instead of waiting to be in a spiritual setting that gives me that peace, I need to adapt my life so that I am bringing that peace to it. I know that I can do this, and I know I'm on the right track to doing it. That's so nice to know. I also know that I will be happier and able to accomplish more and become better by bringing that peace into my life.

E. Friend had a tough evening, and I surprised myself when I sat down next to him by not questioning him about what was on his mind. Normally my curiosity gets the best of me and I try to get people to talk to me. I want to know what's wrong, and how I can help. Tonight I was thoroughly curious and concerned. But somehow, I managed to heed the prompting that I didn't need to ask him all about it. I have recently begun to be more patient. Slowly this new wisdom has been planting itself in my brain. People will tell me things when they're ready to. I just need to let them know I'm there to love them, and that I'm willing to listen IF and when they are ready to talk. If they don't talk to me about it (and I have made sure they understand that I am there for them whenever they need me) then obviously it doesn't need to be talked about to me. So for the most part, I have recently been more able to curb my curiosity. It's fascinating.

So, as I sat with my Friend, I decided that while I let him think, I would do some thinking myself. I prayed. I pondered. And I asked for help and guidance.
Randomly popping into my mind were lines from a hymn. Thankfully (since I could only remember the first two lines), a hymn book was right next to me and I was able to look up the song. God Speed the Right. Part of the second verse caught my attention.

Ne’er despairing, though defeated,
God speed the right.
Like the great and good in story,
If we fail, we fail with glory.

I'm going to be thinking about those lines for the next couple of days. I believe that it's possible to be defeated and yet not despair. To fail, but fail in glory. It is a very intriguing idea to me, because that perspective is not one that comes naturally to me. Man, and especially, I think, the American Culture, has this idea that winning is glory, and to loose, fail, or be defeated-- is awful. We must, at all costs, avoid failure. The idea that failure might not be that bad- that idea is so completely foreign. It is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around it. It just is not how I have been conditioned to think.
Ideas about this are beginning to come to my mind, but they need some serious thinking and time to develop enough for me to come to any conclusion. I want insight from other people.
So, dear readers (yes, that means you, Magnificent Friend; and...- do I have any other readers?), I'd like some feedback. How does it work? --How can we be defeated, and yet not despair? How can fail, yet fail with glory?
It's an intriguing notion. I think that understanding this concept might just be part of "[putting] off the natural man", and coming to see and understand life and everything else as God does.

Those are my thoughts for this evening. Good night, and I'll try to start posting regularly again.

the medicine of friendship

I woke up this morning thankfully sans migraine, but unfortunately not sans anything else. Nausea was there, but what I noticed most was the mental and physical feeling of pure fatigue. My muscles felt more than just tired or sore. I felt as if my body were missing some substance which kept it from wilting, for I felt as if I were, indeed wilting.
I'm pretty certain that I've been struggling a bit with my depression. I'm glad I recognize it. I think the fatigue can be blamed partly on some depression. I've had a growing disinterest, or apathy, for things which I normally have a high amount of energy and concern for.
I think I might be trying so hard to not stress out about school that I have become a bit apathetic towards it. Towards my future. Towards my religion. My music. I have even begun to feel apathy towards my friends from time to time. It might be because it's easier to be apathetic than it is to worry overmuch.
But I digress-- I was not feeling well today. Physically I was exhausted, mentally I was foggy at best, and emotionally I was depressed. I felt that feeling of hopelessness weighing on me, even as I dared to hope for little things.
Usually I hope for comfort and company. I miss my friends a great deal.
I played some solitaire (spider- the best kind), hoping to distract myself. I practiced my flute- hoping that playing would get some emotion out, and release the pressure pent up inside my chest. I was texting a friend, trying to figure out when I'd get to see him next. I felt as if I were in a fog of apathetic depression (or would it be depressed apathy??).
Such was my state when the lovely Christine called. Just to say hi. She had plans for the evening with a friend of ours, and I found myself interested... I wanted to see them both. I didn't care so much what we were doing, but the thought of their company thrilled me. I think I may very well have been craving the interaction.
I got ready quickly and was picked up, and off we went. The evening didn't go as I thought it might have-- we did (and didn't do) things I hadn't expected. It didn't matter though. There was conversation- both silly and serious, inane and meaningful. My brain clicked on. By the time I got home (at least a couple hours later than anticipated), my mind felt so much clearer, and my heart so much lighter.
The evening wasn't easy. We did a lot, and talked a lot.
And yet, I came home happy. With a hope in my heart that I may just be able to do things again. That I may be able to live again.
It was good to get out of the house.
It was great to be in the company of dear friends.
It is wonderful to feel rejuvenated.

and my body lived happily ever after... but not yet

This is the essay I wrote to submit w/ my college applications. Since it deals w/ health, and whole host of other things which I either have addressed on this here blog, or would address, I figured that it may just be appropriate to stick the essay here. (btw, feedback is never a bad thing. *hint hint*)

I had my future all planned out when I was ten years old. I would graduate from high school with straight A’s and go on to the university my parents attended. I would graduate with honors, probably in “cat behaviorology”. I would then serve a mission for my church. Help troubled kitties. Get married. And maybe go on to cure cancer. I have since discovered that life rarely goes according to plan.

It was discovered in my eighth grade year that I struggled with both depression and anxiety. With the help of my mother, psychologist and medication, I learned how to assess my emotions and thoughts, to recognize those influenced by depression/anxiety, and slowly I was able to replace negative thought patterns with positive and healthy ones. I now consider my depression and anxiety to be under control. Neither bothers me frequently, and when one does I am able to recognize what is happening quickly and deal with it in an efficient and effective manner. As a result of this experience, I was able to relate to and help when people I knew struggle with mental illness.

It would seem that gaining an understanding of mental illness was not the only empathetic quality I was bound to develop. The spring of my sophomore year (2006) I began to be physically ill. I missed more and more school and extracurricular activities due to stomach pains, headaches, nausea, weakness, fatigue and other such vague but irritatingly interfering symptoms. My mother and I began to trot from doctor to doctor, trying to pin down a diagnosis. Multiple tests, scans, appointments and a few months later I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I was shocked. Pleased to have a diagnosis. Ecstatic that there was treatment. And comforted that all I endured was real and treatable- not just my imagination. I followed not quite, but almost, religiously my treatment routine, educated myself exhaustively on the functional disorder, and found my body back to nearly normal within the next few months (barring the occasional flare-up of symptoms).

I gained empathy for those suffering with chronic illness, for those who live with the fear that accompanies a “mystery diagnosis”, and for those whose lives consisted of medical appointments. I also developed a strong awareness of and gratitude for my health. I was more than ready to bounce back into challenging course loads at school, and busy days due to multiple extracurriculars. I was ready to move on, utilizing my new wisdom, and live my life just like all of the other over-achievers my age.

The spring of my junior year (2007) marked the beginning in a chronic change of health which made my experience the year prior seem a simple warm-up exercise. My IBS flared up. Medicine was adjusted and the IBS was placated. Left in its wake, however, were severe and frequent headaches which rendered me, once again, frequently absent from school and other activities. A few tests and many Excedrin later I was diagnosed with migraine headaches. Severe. Chronic. And really annoying. More difficulties ensued when I began to have difficulty keeping solid foods down. Suspected medications were eliminated, but did not result in an abatement of my symptoms. More tests were run. More doctors’ appointments. More medicines. It didn’t take long for me to realize that perhaps the Fates (or God) had in mind a different course for me than I had ever imagined or planned; and a few lessons to learn along the way.

I like to plan. I make lists. I get excited. It has been quite a shock to me to have my carefully formulated planning completely usurped. After my second round of illness (spring 2007), I decided that it might be a good idea to work on being more flexible. Since then, I have had to constantly readjust, reevaluate, and even sometimes abandon my plans due to illness. It’s stressful. It’s terrifying. It’s just plain annoying. Being forced to do this, though, has helped me to learn a critical lesson. I have learned to be humble and to trust in my Heavenly Father’s plan for me. I have had to surrender my desires, goals, and plans to His for me. It is an ongoing struggle to remember to do this and have faith. But it gets easier. I have seen seemingly impossible situations turn out not just fine, but wonderfully.

Another struggle has been restructuring how I measure my own self-worth. I used to be pleased with who I was and how I was doing in life based on my challenging course load and numerous extracurricular activities. The busier I was, and the more I accomplished, the better I felt about myself. Having developed a chronic illness, I can no longer maintain even a normal course load, and have had to drop most of my extracurriculars. I am so far from busy as to feel, at times, isolated from anything outside of my own home. This has been one of the hardest things about being sick for me. I love to be active, to challenge myself, and to help people. I have, out of necessity, been forced to learn that my value, or self-worth, is not based on what I have accomplished nor how busy I am, but rather, who I have become and who I am becoming.

My parents have instilled in me a strong sense of obligation to serve. Since my migraines began, I have constantly struggled to not “beat myself over the head” for not being able to serve as I would like. I do my best now to serve when and where I can as my body allows, but what I work to remember is that I am learning and growing a lot from this experience, and that when I have my health under control once more, I will be able to use that wisdom to help people in ways I would never have been able to without this trial.

Illness, in any form, is not by any stretch of the imagination pleasurable. My doctors and I continue to try and straighten out my health through trial, error, and brute determination. I continue to work on juggling life with health. Nonetheless, I would not trade my experiences with it.

I have been blessed in many ways which help me to keep going. I have received assistance from wonderful people ranging from health care providers to my everyday peers. My pharmacist, doctors and their nurses have gone above and beyond to help me out. The Disability Support Services staff at my community college has been a vital asset to any attempt I have made at school since my migraines began. Teachers have gone above the legal requirement of my Letters of Accommodation in being not only flexible but sympathetic and accessible. My high school counselor has been nothing short of amazing in the aid and direction he has provided me. My family, friends, and fellow church members have served me in countless ways, allowing me frequent reminders of the love given me which I have to be grateful for.

The most valuable blessing I have received from this trial, however, has been an increased ability to help others. What I have struggled with is by no means as disabling as what I have seen others struggle with, but it has given me a solid glimpse and firm understanding of what people with more troubling problems experience. My wish is that what I am learning now will allow me to someday render service similar to what I have received. Being able to do so would make all that I have endured valuable, precious, and ultimately- worth it.

much ado about doing something

I did things this morning.
I woke up at 5a, showered, and got ready. That in itself is amazing.
I went to seminary. Smiled big. Chatted. Wished a friend Happy Birthday. Talked with a teacher-person about graduating from seminary. Listened to the lesson. Joked around with friends. Bumbled out an answer to question. Chatted some more on the way to the high school. I then stopped by the Special Ed department to ask Head Teacher Lady if she'd be willing to write letters of recommendation for me for my college applications. I then hung out for about an hour and a half. It was really nice. I always forget how much I miss the place, the people, and the humor. I started to get a bit lightheaded and nauseous, so decided it was time to go home. I walked home, and here I am.
I think I'll go take a nap or something- I'm tired.
Then back to applications. And I have a lot of homework to catch up on.
But I went to seminary! And I even stopped by the school! Twice in one week!
I might be getting better...
But I'm not going to percolate that thought much. I cycle- feeling goodish, then not-so-goodish... this could just be part of the cycle and I'll go back to really-not-so-goodish.
I should enjoy it while it lasts. :)

...worth it...

I wish I could put something insightful here. I feel like writing. I just don't know what to write about- while still having it mean something.
I've been thinking about "the future". 1) Where I'm going for school next year- tho I will probably stay home and finish off my AA. 2) If I will still be sick or not, and if (at least mostly) not, 3) Where I will work. I've been thinking I'd like to get trained as a CNA and find some sort of job as one (hopefully not in a nursing home- those places just kinda give me the heebie-jeebies), but I just recently started thinking about being a paraeducater. I think I would like being a para-ed, since that's almost what I was when I volunteered a lot in the spec. ed department last year. I have over 200 hours volunteering there, I think, and the teachers love me, so I think it wouldn't be too difficult to get a job as a para-ed for spec. ed at the local school district. Getting trained as an EMT is also an idea- one my step-dad finds particularly good (partly because he's currently being trained as one for his work in emergency management). I would like, possibly even love it. It would be great. However, getting trained to be an EMT is a lot more intensive and expensive than CNA training and passing the para-ed test combined. It would be great, but might be worth it putting off until I wouldn't have to worry so much about the cost.
We'll see how it all turns out. Heavenly Father will take care of me. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and also that trials are for my benefit. I can learn a lot from being sick, so I'd better take advantage of the opportunity. I guess that's the idea, for me, behind blogging. Sorting out what's going, what I think and feel about it, and- most importantly- what I can learn from it.
There are a lot of things I could complain about, but in the long run, complaining won't get me anywhere. That pretty much means I can't justify complaining. Dangit. (I'll probably still try and get away with it, though.)
So, what have I learned so far?
A good deal about health care, medicine, and my own body. I've learned what it's like to have people doubt your intentions. I've seen how wonderfully kind/compassionate/caring people can be, and thusly had wonderful experiences that I really wouldn't trade for anything. I've come to understand, at least a bit, how scary it is to be isolated from one's community. I'm learning how to take things as they come; to not try and micromanage every aspect of my life; to trust that Father has a plan for me. I'm learning about how to rely on other people for some things, and from that I hope to learn how to be reliable for others. I'm learning compassion and empathy. I've learned what it's like to have hopes dashed, plans changed. I'm learning a new system to evaluate a person's "worth". I'm learning to value the moment, and milk it for all I can- especially if it's a moment when I feel (comparatively) well. I'm learning how to be a realist, while still maintaining optimism. I'm learning how to smile when I feel like crap.
I'll come out of this a better person. The time that I can't serve or help others now will be more than made up for when I am well again and can use my new arsenal of knowledge to help people in ways I couldn't have without that "wealth of wisdom". Remembering that helps me, especially when I start to beat myself up about the things I'm not doing (can't do).
I just have to remember the thing that matters most about being sick- if this experience enables me to help/serve even one person, it will be worth it.

thoughts for today

Exchange student left this morning. I'm going to miss him. It took about a week for him to integrate into our family, or rather, for him to feel comfortable enough to start teasing and being sarcastic. It was great. He chatted with Sister and I a couple of nights. Both were very fun conversations filled with all manner of remarks from insightful to inane. Now he's gone, however, and life is back to at least semi-normal. It's too bad. He was a good brother.

I think the new anti-emetic might be working. It's called Ondansetron (Zofran), and I was grateful that the insurance was willing to pay for it. Apparently it's expensive and they don't like to cover it unless you have cancer or have tried a bunch of anti-emetics already. I haven't been eating much, still, but I think it's still about the same as it has been for awhile now. Since the end of the holidays I have been eating less and less sweets- trying to avoid them, for the most part, and that seems to be very good for me. I think all this is why it's been over a week since I last threw up- yay!! Maybe it'll continue- that'd be nice-, but I have a suspicion that it won't. That might just be nerves talking, which may just result in a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Oh well, we'll wait and see....
Migraine medicine is less promising. We just upped my Verapamil from 120 2x/day to 120/morning and 240/night. I am still trying Zomig, and it seems like it works... sometimes. I don't know, it's hard to tell. I'll give it a couple more weeks to see. I think, though, that it works slightly better than the Amerge, but not as well as is ideal. There's one triptan left for me to try, and then I don't know what if we have to try more.... The doctor talked about prescribing Prednisone again to "break the cycle", but after hearing about how it made me anxious the last two times around decided not to (I think also because I was kind of wishy-washy on how well it worked). She said it was good that I'm doing yoga, and told me to do it 3x a week. This should help with my baseline tension-headaches. Sounds good to me.

I like yoga. I like how it stretches out my muscles. How it is relaxing and meditative. How it makes me more "aware" of my body. I like how it helps with my nausea, and even how it stimulates my digestive system (ie- relieves, somewhat, my constipation; though the resulting flatulence can be a bit embarrassing in class if I'm not careful). I think I even like how it is a bit cheesy and makes me laugh to myself as I think about things like happy babies, planks, cats, dogs, fire hydrants, corpses...

I'm working on discovering a study method that works for me. So far I've decided on two things. I need to minimize the amount of time I spend with my neck bent down (the sub-occipital trigger point gets to me), and I need to be aware of my mental status. If my thinking starts to get cloudy, then I should stop and do something that doesn't involve a lot of thinking, or rest, and then come back later. I won't get anywhere with cloudy thinking and it's better to just go and take care of it then to allow it to continue and frustrate me.
It's been difficult to get back into the swing of studying. I really quite have gotten out of it- starting last spring when I got sick. It's been eve more difficult to get back into the habit of studying and doing homework because I'm still sick. Hopefully I'll learn more about what works for me for studying, and develop some more self-discipline along the way (I'm smart enough to realise that I lack some). It's difficult, but I just have to remind myself to keep trying and learning and growing; and to not beat myself up too much when I struggle.

There was a fireside last Friday and Elder Bednar of the qourum of the twelve apostles came. It was an amazing fireside. He and Elder Merrill of the seventy conducted a Q&A fireside which turned out very well, despite most of us thinking he was a bit loony for trying to get us to ask him questions. I think my two favorite things about the fireside were when I asked him a question, and when he bore his testimony at the end. After I had asked my question and sat back down, he deferred to Elder Merrill to answer it, then answered it himself. I'd like to say that it is a very strange experience to have two people with such authority looking straight at you. That was something. Then, when he bore his testimony, it was interesting how when he said "I witness..." that he was using the word "witness" in a way that not many people can. Most of us use it as synonymous for things like "bear my testimony", "believe", and "know". The way Elder Bednar said it, one could tell that not only was he bearing witness of the gospel, but he himself is a witness. That was something. Amazing. The power and authority that backed his statements were quite evident. The leaders of this Church are called by our Father in Heaven. It's amazing.