a new year?

Hmmm.... it's a new year and I haven't posted since last year!  It's late and I should be sleeping, but we'll do a quick update.

1) work continues to be awesome and I love it.  a couple weeks ago a man passed out in the radiology department.  ER staff was called over, and I followed my doc- let's call him Fred.  They started CPR.  Fred grabbed some trauma shears, and starting cutting the man's coat off him.  Well, it was one of those coats which is packed with feathers, so when he cut into it, the feathers exploded.  All of a sudden, you had 6 people in a radiology lobby, crowded around a man, performing CPR and breathing for him with a bag-valve mask.... with feathers which appeared like snow, floating all around them.  There was something kind of magical about it, and I'm afraid I can't begin to do it justice in this description.  It was kind of like a movie... with some Sarah McLachlen song playing in the background.

2)  I've started exercising again recently!  (And by recently, I mean-- this week haha.)  For the next few weeks, it will be hot yoga.  After that, my special groupon deal (20 sessions for $40) will expire, and then I'll probably just join a gym or something.  I made a deal with my physiatrist that I have to be exercising regularly to get another round of Botox.  And (dun dun dun!) if I don't, he has permission to give me a talking-to.  Yikes!

3)  Speaking of Botox, I got some back in October.  No, it's not for wrinkles (which I wouldn't have anyways, as I'm in my early-mid 20's), it's for migraines.  The idea is that it paralyzes muscles in the head which contribute to the migraines.  My insurance approved 2 rounds of it.  1 round usually lasts 2-3 months. I think it really helped-- the fact that I was able to work like crazy without any intense, long-lasting, or hard-to-treat migraines popping up is my testament to that.  I believe it's worn off now, as in the past couple weeks I feel like I'm starting to get migraines a little more frequently.  Another thing the Botox seemed to help with was my constant, low-grade headache.  I've had that headache 24/7 for 5 or 6 years now.  I think there were a couple points about a month or two ago when that headache was almost gone.  I remember driving and thinking "do I have a headache?"  It's a little hard to tell sometimes when you're used to it being there all the time, so it took me a moment.  I had just the slightest pressure in my forehead, so it was still there, but just barely.  Tiny enough that I almost wonder if I thought it into existence.  On a pain scale of 1-10, I would have rated it in that moment as a 0.5.  Which is awesome.  The idea with the second round of Botox is that even after the Botox wears off, the relaxing effect on my muscles will be more permanent, leaving a long-term relief.  Last time my doc only gave me shots in a few places in my head (a couple in the forehead, a couple on each side of the head, and a couple at the back of the head).  Next time we'll do a bunch of shots all over.  That will kind of suck while it's happening, but I'm positive will be more than worth it 5 days later when the stuff starts kicking in.

In case you couldn't tell, I get really excited about medical stuff and the prospect of my migraines being better.

4)  I've started thinking about Med school.  It's a long way off as I don't even have an AA yet (which fact I have accepted and is only slightly distressing to me nowadays), but the more I work at my job, the more I could see myself being a doctor.  I think it's work I would really really enjoy.  What would I want to specialize in?  I dunno.... Emergency medicine, neurology, physiatry, and hem/onc are all on my mind.  Surgery would be cool because I like looking at guts, but I have a feeling I wouldn't actually go with it.  Anyways, that's all far off, and so for now, jsut a dream.  ... Just a dream that I'll start working towards.

5)  Related to that, I'm sad to not be in school right now.  But I prayed about it, and I really feel that right now is a time to take a break from school.  Focus on my health.  Pay off some debt.  Save up some money. Etc etc.  I also think that it's been good for my pride to have my education pursue a more delayed, alternate route.  If I had graduated at age 21 or 22 like I had planned, there's a chance I might be a bit of a snoot.  Not on purpose, of course, but I think it could happen.  It's also been good to learn that God is in charge of my life- not me.  Oh, and perhaps one of the most important lessons is something along the line of Heavenly Father loves me, no matter what, and I am of value to Him even if I have not accomplished what I thought I should have by now.  One can be a good, successful person, without achieving many milestones which the world values as most important.  That whole idea is a whole other post in itself.

6)  My auntie got me a kindle for Christmas.  I've had my nose stuck in that thing ever since.  It's nice to feel like a book worm again.

7)  I'm tired from being extroverted and peppy last year.  It's time for sleep and time to myself.  And family.  And close friends.


I think we'll call that it for now.  It's super late, as I didn't get off work till after midnight.  I'll leave something amusing with you.  Was talking to a friend when he asked, "have you ever wondered how someone feels having a disease named after them?"  naturally, the conversation turned to naming a disease after him.

Meet the Rutherford Reaction: a temporary, psychosomatic reaction, usually in un-married persons, triggered by interactions with the opposite sex.  criteria for diagnosis: 1) an erythematous, non-pruritic, non-maculopapular rash of the skin over the zygomatic arch, 2) a subjective fever, 3) disequilibrium, and 4) agoraphobia.

What would the Sager Syndrome be??

to my future children

I watched a blog video clip from this strong woman (go to her blog, and if you can donate, please do).  It was from the beginning of the year and I just closed out of the page and it would take me awhile to find it again, and it was even on a different blog of hers.  Anyways, in her video clip, the woman speaks to her future children about her anorexia.  She talks about how she loves her anorexia (she talks about this a lot in her blog, too), but how she loves them more, and she wants to beat the anorexia so she can give birth to them and be a good mother to them.  This touched me, and I just felt I had to share my feelings about it.  I pray that I will say what needs to be said, and know to leave out what is not appropriate or kosher to share with the entire web.
Most of my friends and family know I was in love and engaged 2 years ago.  I'm not really shy about sharing this- just as, once asked, I'm not really shy about sharing most things in my life (or mind).  Ironic, considering I was so shy, I used to hide behind my dad's leg when I was little.  Anyways, during my engagement- particularly the beginning (while, imo, it was still pretty healthy and right)- I felt very close to God.  And I felt very close to angels.  And I loved my children.  Not that I have any yet, but I knew I would.  And I felt so close to them.  When we broke up, I felt like I lost them, and in some ways, that was even harder than breaking up.  Because I already loved them.  Somehow, loving them helped me get through that difficult, insane, confusing, upside-down, life-spinning-out-of-control time of my life.
Fast forward to today.  I feel sane, and happy.  Sometimes I really miss feeling close to my children.  I like who I am.  I honestly continue to struggle with being happy with where I am in life (my mind tells me, do more, be more), but I know God loves me, and frankly, I love me, too.  And lately I've had a lot of people tell me they love me, too.  It's weird and often unexpected, but I totally appreciate it.
Anyways...

To my future children
I don't know who you are yet, but I love you.  I don't have a family or a home for you yet (kinda need a husband for that), but I'm excited to have you come.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Thank you for being the wonderful spirits you are.  Loving you motivates me to do hard things.  I hope I can live healthily, so I can teach you how to be healthy.  I hope I live close to Christ so I can teach you to expect His influence in your lives daily.  I hope, despite my weaknesses,  that you never question my commitment to the Kingdom of God.  I hope you always know I love you.  I hope I can teach you what it means to be emotionally healthy- just as my mother, and her mother, have taught me.  I hope you love Heavenly Father, never doubt your divinity, and trust in His Plan.  And lastly, I hope you know how grateful I am for you.


Thank you, Camilla, The Night Baker, for sharing your story.

"stop it!"

President Uchtdorf said something awesome in General Conference last April.  Here's an excerpt from that epic speech (which you can read in its entirety here)

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon.  When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it! 

It's that simple.  We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. 

I think this talk resonated with all who listened for two reasons, 1) we all judge others and need to stop, and 2) President Uchtdorf presented it so matter-of-factly, and lovingly.

I came across the below recently on a blog I enjoy following.  I thought it rather fitting.

(photo from jessica hagy's awesome blog, here)

to the man whose face i never saw

we stood in a semi-circle
waiting for you.
they rolled you in
pounding, pounding, pounding.
on your chest.

in the corner i stood,
never was one more
a fly on the wall
than me.
i saw it all.
pen in hand.
yellow notepad.
my job was to scribble. scribble. scribble.
everything i heard....

27 year old male.
epinephrine times seven.
he said ten minutes ago.
it's 1050 now.

tall man in blue suit.
pounding on your chest.
down. up, down. pound, pound, pound.

atropine. duoneb.
what are those drugs?
calcium. magnesium.
those can be used for the heart?
history of asthma.
collapsed in driveway.
you were on your way here.

purple scrubs. middle aged woman.
down, up, down. pound, pound, pound.

cordarone.
how do i spell that?
epi-pen
twice by family, IM.

man in green scrubs,
badge dangling over your body-

why do you have an epi-pen?

up, down. up, down. pound, pound, pound.

twelve minutes of CPR
before the ambulance came.
they found you in PEA.
he thinks he heard breath sounds on scene.
atropine.
what is atropine?

x-ray. ultrasound.
pound, pound, pound.
never stopping.

at the computer,
the lead nurse is typing.
“how many milligrams?”
“what size tube?”

the pounding arms get weary.
the second blue-suited man
moves fluidly to your side.
with a towel around his neck,
(he’s getting a work-out)
he moves his body
down, up, down.
over you, his hands go 
pound, pound, pound.

pound. pound. pound.
down, up, down.
with each impact of coupled fists,
I see, side to side,
your protuberant mass shift..

another nurse. he is pulling off your pants.
"do we have any scissors?"
naked.
you're all naked.
will someone please cover him up?
they keep pounding on your chest.
and the bag-valve mask goes,
pump. pump. pump.

i say nothing, but the nurse sees what i mean.
naked. you’re all naked.
except the blanket now covering your groin.
a small sign of respect.

your doctor is by your side.
you’ve never met him.
he's trying to save your life.

"a sterile gown!"
over his suit and tie.
shoes only a little more mature
than convers
peep out beneath his pants.

everyone gets a turn.
now it’s curly ponytail girl, in her green scrubs.
she moves down, up, down.
her hands go, pound, pound, pound.

blade and scissors in hand,
your doctor cuts into your side.
your blood on his hands.
he's trying to save your life.

“it’s been 45 minutes,” he says
“5 more and he’s dead.”
and as an afterthought,
“he’s already dead”
...by definition.

your body moves up, down, up,
with each fists’ pound, pound, and pump, pump.


until the doctor is at your side,
ultrasound in hand.
the pounding and pumping stop.
all voices stop.he finds
your blood flow has stopped.

blood on his sterile gown,
blood on his outstretched hands-
he turns-
facing the nurses, the techs, and the EMTs
(and the random hospitalist, too):
“does anyone have any more ideas?”

silence.

1102.

some thoughts on falling in love

My friend Danilo shared the below quote and this thought on facebook today. I liked it so much I figured I should do something to keep it in mind ;)

Elder Hugh B. Brown concurs: “Infatuation may be romantic, glamorous, thrilling, and even urgent, but genuine love should not be in a hurry. … Time should be taken for serious thought, and opportunity given for [each partner to gain] physical, mental, and spiritual maturity. Longer acquaintances will enable both to evaluate themselves and their proposed companions, to know each other’s likes and dislikes, habits and dispositions, aptitudes and aspirations” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 27, 34). i love this quote genuine Love should not be in a hurry there is no reason for it especially if this love is eternal.

I've had discussions about this idea with a couple of friends recently.  My friend Stan commented recently that if you rush things it can ruin everything because rushing stunts the development of real love. Take it slow.  Don't drag your feet, but don't rush anything, either. Pursue someone you're interested in and let things unfold naturally. Genuine affection, commitment, loyalty, and true Christlike love for one another will develop. And "if it's meant to be, it will be."

About Me

In case reading my blog doesn't give you a clear enough picture of who I am, I've decided to share with you the "About Me" page I wrote for my English class.  It's written a little bit more boldly than I am likely to speak in person, but that's mostly because I couldn't figure out another way to fill up a whole page with information about myself without it being a boring life history or something.

My name is Cassànndrè Sager.  You may recognize me as the one who wears sunglasses.  Since we’ve been asked to share a little bit about ourselves, I’ll take this opportunity to explain why so you don’t think I’m just the sunglasses freak who is trying to be cool.  The high frequency flickering of florescent lights (as well as energy-saver light bulbs) gives me migraines.  So pretty much anywhere florescent lights are found I wear sunglasses.  It kind of sucks getting migraines but I happen to find studying them fascinating so that makes it okay.  If you ever have any questions about migraines or headaches feel free to ask me and I’ll tell you all about them, probably in more detail than you wanted.

I am aiming to finish my AA degree by the end of this year and then pursue a four year degree in biology.  I love studying anatomy-physiology and pathology and want to pursue a career in the healthcare field.

For the better part of the past two years I have been employed as a para-educator in the Kent School District, mostly recently substituting across the district.  It is usually a fun job as the kids in special education are usually sweethearts, and the staff are great.  School Adjustment classes get a little interesting (those are the kids with behavior problems) but I usually find it amusing.  The only times I mildly wonder if I am getting paid enough are when students lead me on wild goose chases around the school and I have to keep up because it is my responsibility to keep them out of trouble.

The love of my life is my family’s Labrador-Rottweiler mix, Bella.  She is a 100+ lbs of puppy love who sometimes thinks she is a lap dog.  She has a scary bark but the cat usually has her under his control.  She is currently lying on the floor next to me, wearing her lavender-colored floral bandanna and snoring contentedly.

 I do some custom photography on the side.  I’ve done portraits, engagements and weddings.  Engagements may be my favorite because couples in love are so fun to work with and photo-shoots are usually low pressure and laid back.  One of my favorite things about shooting weddings (aside from seeing the radiant bride and very proud groom) is getting to “shoot” the bride, groom and their entire families and afterwards “burn” the wedding dress (burning is an editing technique used to increase the exposure of specific areas of a photo).

Ballroom dancing is my favorite way to exercise.  I started when I went to Brigham Young University- Idaho (a magical place in the middle of nowhere) for a year and have kept it up since returning home.  I’ve been dancing for three years and absolutely love it.  Cha-cha, Tango, Waltz, and Rumba are my favorites.  And lindy-hop.  And West coast swing.  Foxtrot is pretty cool, too, but like Tango I rarely get the chance to dance it.  I’ve recently started learning more Latin dancing.  This is its own brand of awesome.  If you are interesting in learning how to dance or ever wanting to go dance, let me know.  I have a nice group of friends with whom I go dancing and we always welcome more people.

The rest of my free time is taken up by church meetings and activities with my young single adult congregation.  We have dances, games, lessons, potlucks, conferences, and more.  It’s a good group of people with diverse backgrounds.  I’m a Mormon and like so many Mormons I believe in being kind to other people, attending at least three hours of Church on Sundays, and having what we call funeral potatoes at any potluck.  I also happen to be ridiculously familiar with Utah for someone who’s never really lived there. 

And that’s me… in one page (phew!).

the temple. and me.

I have half-written posts in my head, but I just haven't felt like writing much lately.  My septoplasty two-and-a-half weeks ago went very well.  I've noticed some interesting and positive changes since then.  Perhaps I'll talk about them sometime soon.  I've been tired lately and prone to headaches from overdoing things, so I've spent a lot of time at home photoshopping and watching shows like Castle and Bones.  I thought I would spend more time reading, writing, and studying, but I've found that I just haven't had the mental energy for it.  This past week I started journeying outside of the home to study and prepare for my CNA exam.  That has been good.  Oh, and I have in the past couple weeks practiced piano, mandolin, and flute a fair amount more than normal.  That's nice as well.

So anyways, I don't really have the mental energy to share anything profound.  So here's a semi-random scripture and a picture and quote of the temple.

"For behold, and lo, the Lord is God, and the Spirit beareth record, and the record is true, and the truth abideth forever and ever.  Amen."  -- D&C 1:39

Truth is truth.  It is eternal and reliable.  Just like God.  The Spirit, or Holy Ghost, bears record of Truth; of God.  The best way to truly know our Heavenly Father is to do things which invite the Spirit into our lives.  If we ask with faith for knowledge from our Heavenly Father- for truth and a testimony of it!- the Holy Ghost will leave a record of that Truth written on our hearts.  Then that truth is seared to our character.  It becomes a part of us and acting contrary to it becomes against our very nature.  This leads us to be more like Christ.

And a picture of the temple... because it's awesome and I love it.  The quote is about sacrificing for the temple. I know that when we sacrifice to go to the temple and serve and have one-on-one time with our Father (who loves us!), we are richly blessed.  Every expense and every inconvenience I have (and will) ever experienced has been worth it.  I know that my health has improved over the past three years because I made the temple a priority in my life.  I truly believe that if I had not followed the prompting of the Holy Ghost to go and worship regularly and frequently, I would not have been able to do all of the things I have done in the past three years.  I would not have gone to BYU-Idaho.  I would not have worked full time at Kentlake High School.  I would not have gotten engaged and I would not have survived the break-up.  I would not have gone back to Green River Community College and earned 3.9's and 4.0's in all my classes last year.  I would not have gone to Guyana.  I would not have been led to the very physicians who could help me most.

I don't know what my life would be like right now without this gospel and without the temple.  Maybe I would still be where I was three years ago- not able to work or go to school.  Maybe I wouldn't.  All I know is that I have experienced miracles and been given incredible opportunities.  I credit those miracles and opportunities to the love and mercy of my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ and I credit them to the very real power and strength which come from the temple.

what do you do...

Oh, what do you do in the morning-time when all the world is black?
Do you lay in your bed, write blogs to be read, and yawn a big yawn and sigh?
Is that what you do?  So do I!

(inspired by Oh, What Do You Do in the Summertime?)


A lot of these posts get written in the wee hours of the night or the wee hours of the morning.  Today I woke up and wasn't feeling good enough to work, but was too awake to go back to sleep.  The time was o'dark-thirty.  Much, much too early to be awake with nothing to do if you ask me.  So two posts that have been sitting unfinished in my drafts folder got finished and published today.  And the above song (or ditty) was written as my facebook status.  I was so proud of it that I figured I just had to share it here on my blog so it would be less likely to get lost in the flood of social information.

So really-- what do you do in the morning-time when all the world is black?  Leave comments!

this is crazy!

"i gotta share this on facebook, this is some crazy stuff!"

- what i would say about what i learn about occupy wallstreet, occupy seattle, etc.

- what my sister says about the newly discovered cyclops shark

me, as of late

Well, as you can probably tell by the time of this post, I have had some trouble sleeping lately. Actually, you could just as easily think that I woke up early, and that would be true.... sort of. I woke up really early. I was doing pretty well at that during summer quarter, but then there was that 3 week period or so between the end of school and the beginning of my job with the school district. I'm pretty sure that wrecked my nice new habit. [note, i began this at about 5:30am... then finally fell back asleep for awhile, then went out and took some pictures. thus why it wasn't submitted at the early time i was talking about. just in case you actually checked the time down at the bottom here and wondered...]

anyways...

First we'll cover the latest on Guyana. (If you don't know what I'm talking about when I say Guyana, please go here.) My fundraising page is up! I'm almost halfway to the $2500 I need to raise! (The fundraising page only says 2,000 but I think that might be because they took my deductible out of the total or something.) I'm amazed at how quickly people have offered their support and how generous so many people have been (whether they have a lot of money or a little). We've still got a little ways to go, but I'm not worried. I truly believe this is what Heavenly Father wants me to be doing right now and I know the the opportunity has come straight from Him. Since this is the case, I am not very worried about it working out. I think of 1 Nephi 3:7~

"I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing he hath commanded them."

I also like the words from the Children's Primary song about Nephi:

"The Lord commanded Nephi to go and build a boat.

Nephi's older brothers said it would not float.

Laughing and mocking they said he should not try.

Nephi was courageous and this was his reply:

I will go, I will do

the things the Lord commands

I know the Lord provides a way

He wants me to obey."

So I finally took the leap and decided to try hot yoga. I LOVE it. Every time I do it I like it even more. The heat/yoga combination is particularly helpful for my angry, trigger-point-filled muscles in my neck, shoulders, and upper back (they are large contributers to my headahces & migraines). Hot yoga helps the muscles to loosen up and calm down enough so that I can work out the knots and also strengthen my muscles without freaking them out and making it worse. It feels sooo good!

Also on the healthfront, I have a deviated septum with a dust mite allergy resulting in chronic allergic rhinits.... an ongoing sinus infection. The amazing doctor of magic, Dr McBride, has done an awesome job of diagnosing and treating me. But because of my pretty marked deviated septum (my left nostril is half as big as my right), we can't cure the sinus infection completely without my getting a septoplasty... a surgical procedure where they fix my deviated septum... aka a "nose job". Because of the trigeminal nerve which hangs out around your sinuses, your forehead, and your jaw, there's a possibility that my headaches are caused by sinus/nasal problems. I am, in the words of a wise YSA Relief Society President, "cautiously optimistic". I am hoping to have the nose surgery before the end of this year, but that'll depend on my doctor and my insurance.

And... the sun is beautiful this morning! With beautiful fog! I just went out took some pictures. I am uploading them now :)

words of the prophets & to the anonymous young man

Words of the Prophets

(or other church leaders)

Some Church members feel weighed down with discouragement about the circumstances of their personal lives, even when they are making sustained and admirable efforts. Frequently, these feelings of self-disappointment come not from wrongdoing, but from stresses and troubles for which we may not be fully to blame. The Atonement of Jesus Christ applies to these experiences because it applies to all of life. The Savi

or can wipe away all of our tears, after all we can do....

Mercy and repentance are rehabilitative, not retributive. The Savior asks us to repent not just to repay him for paying our debt to justice, but also to induce us to undergo the personal development that will purify our very nature. The “natural man” will remain an enemy to God forever—even after paying for his own sins—unless he also “becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord.” (Mosiah 3:19.)...

Life is a school, a place for us to learn and grow. We, like Adam and Eve, experience “growing pains” through the sorrow and contamination of a lone and dreary world. These experiences may include sin, but they also include mistakes, disappointments, and the undeserved pain of adversity. The blessed news of the gospel is that the Atonement of Jesus Christ can purify all the uncleanness and sweeten all the bitterness we taste....

...the Savior’s grace can bless us, beyond its compensation for our sins, in our quest for divine perfection. While much of the perfection process involves a healing from sin and bitterness, the process involves an additional, affirmative dimension through which we may acquire a Christlike nature, becoming even as the Father and Son are.

...while no other success of ours can compensate for our failures within or outside our homes, there is a success that can compensate when we cannot, after we conscientiously do all we can. That success is the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which can mend what for us is beyond repair. Perhaps, I thought, that holy influence could even do for this man’s son what it did for the younger Alma.

Bruce C. Hafen "Beauty for Ashes"

So I occasionally follow this blog. I don't remember how I got started on it. Seems like it has something to do with EFY or Hannah (Bush) Ryan. I don't always agree with Bro Jo's stance on things (mostly it seems like he makes general rules out of things that should be guidelines and with consideration prayerfully adopted or adapted to a person's individual situation. but that's a whole other discussion), but in this most recent post, I agreed with him 100% and my heart went out to the anonymous young man who sent the email. I ended up leaving a comment and figured I'd post it here.

missions are good but at this point, you absolutely need to be focused on repenting. many a young man has gone through addiction and served an honorable mission (i know some). many have also have not, but still turned out to be admirable men who married in the temple and are wonderful fathers and priesthood holders (i know some of those as well). if you don't go on a mission right away at 19 or even at all, it will be hard because at your age everyone asks about it. your bishop, close friends, and loving family can help you figure out how to navigate in an honest and dignified way.

my heart goes out to you. it is soo good that you chose to take this step and email bro jo. let your bishop become one of your best friends. i've had bishops i felt it difficult to connect with, but when i prayed about it the Lord eventually blessed me with the experiences i needed to know, trust, and truly love my bishop.

be completely honest with yourself- about your mistakes, the consequences, your future, and also your talents, skills, and gifts. pornography is definitely destructive to the soul, but satan would have you believe that it has taken over and eliminated everything else. this is simply not true. remember that you DO have righteous desires and cherish those. keep them in that special, sacred place in your heart and never, ever, stop hoping and having faith that through the Atonement and mercy of Christ, those desires will surely be fulfilled. focus on the repentance process, particularly using the church's addiction recovery program and other similar resources. this 12-step program will teach you how to utilize the Atonement in your every day life to overcome addiction, codependency, depression, self-hate, self-destructive thinking, and other unproductive habits.

the Lord loves you. i've no idea who you are, but i love you. my heart goes out to you and i sense that, like many who struggle with this same problem, you are truly a valiant soul who feels deeply, is intelligent and talented.

God bless.

Resources

• LDS Addiction Recovery Program (includes 12-step group locations and times and the 12-step book)
• Heart t' Heart a 12-step LDS group run by a couple experienced with the devestation pornography can bring and the joy the Atonement can restore. this group has many great resources.
• Clean Hands, Pure Heart book, written by Bro. Harrison of Heart t' Heart. he shares his own experience in achieving recovery from pornography addiction and has written this book as a guide through the 12 steps. (he and Sis Harrison have written other books as well-- I highly recommend them to anyone who struggles with addiction- whether it be their own or that of a loved one.)

backwards superstition, hearts, and some other thoughts

As of today, it's been one year since Roo passed away.
It's hard to believe it. It seems ike it's been such a long time... and yet a year really is quite short. I am an age she will never be. I have done, and will continue to do things, she will never do.
Perhaps there is a goal in life to see how much of our hearts we can give away. What good does our own heart do the world if we keep it to ourselves? But if we give pieces of it to different people, then when we part ways, those people still carry a part of our hearts. We may feel a pain at that piece being carried far away, but it would be good to remember also that we ourselves recieve portions of other peoples' hearts in return... perhaps with those pieces we are given, we can reconstruct our own, so that our heart becomes a patchwork quilt of the lives we have touched and have been touched by.
That idea sounds good to me. It sounds somewhat romantic, and probably a bit silly. Nonetheless, I like it.
I do not hurt for Roo herself-- she is happy, I am sure-- but rather I hurt for the missing of her. For the time I have spent and will have to spend without her. She has a sizeable chunk of my heart. In return, however, she has nestled herself a tender spot in mine.
That is how it should be, I think. By the end of our lives, our hearts will reflect so much about us. The condition of our hearts will reflect the choices we've made. I think also, though, that how much of our hearts we have given away will be important. And we will hold very dearly (treasure) the pieces of other peoples' hearts given to us.
So, what do you call this day? An anniversary of death? But I recognize it to celebrate a life...
Last Friday was the 7th anniversary of Roo's bone marrow transplant. She recieved the transplant in June of the year 2000 on Friday the 13th. She did things her own way, and where Friday the 13th was concerned, she was superstitious backwards: she considered it a lucky day. That specific day was definately a special one, with a solid miracle.
I wanted to do something special on these days, to remember Roo by. Well, I had a Red Cross appointment today to start volunteering... does that count? Eh, I don't think so much. However, a week from this Friday I'll job shadow at Children's in the oncology ward. So it's not on the 13th or 18th- it's coming up, and I'm excited. I just hope I won't get emotional or anything. I did fine in the Ped's ICU... but then again, I didn't interact much with kids that reminded me of Roo. We'll see how it goes. And-- if I come home at the end of the day and bawl, that's just fine. Every once in a while, a good bawl is called for. I think it has something to do with the heart.

So, Roo... here are some thoughts for you. Thank you for being a sister to me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for your patience with me. Understanding, sympathy, and empathy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and most of all- your heart-, with me. Thank you for helping me to grow. And thank you for the mark you left on me which will be with me throughout the entire rest of my life. In this way, you are still in my life, and I in yours, I'm sure. I pray for you often, and think of you even more. I hope for your happiness, and for the happiness of those dear to you. You continue to be an amazing example to me, and a cherished friend.
God be with you till we meet again. :)
Love,
~Cassanndre

the happy little slugbug

A conversation with a friend of mine got me thinking....

He said-- "some people are very intelligent with the match tendency to doubt and criticize. Such a person is powerful, but with powerful engines, requires a lot of fuel to maintain a happy amount of energy. A smaller engine, may not see or know much, but is quite happy in ignorance of all things, and requires little fuel to sustain"and I said okay i guess, but I didn't like the idea that the little guy was happier just because he didn't know any better.
So, I'm thinking, what if there are levels? What there's the little slugbug level where he's happy just because he doesn't know any better. Then there's the SUV level or whatever where he's having a harder time being happy 'cuz he's learned some stuff. What if after that there's another level (um.... anologie [too late to splele that word!] difficulty-- airplane????), where the guy has learned even more, but because of that finds it easy to be happy.
I guess that's what I disliked about the little car being the happy one-- Knowledge should make us happy. Or rather, the more Truth we know, the happier we will be because, honestly, the Eternal Truths are pretty awesome, exciting things. They shouldn't get us down.If all we know is getting us down, perhaps we're not seeking after or focusing on the right knowledge...or something like that.

jumping into a rabbit hole and letting go of the wheel

"Question: how does a girl who falls- no, actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: she doesn't."

Okay, so, some things to get out of my mind...
Firstly, today's Sunday...
I've noticed a focus on integrity today in my lessons at church. It was good for me- refreshing; edifying; etc. One of those days when pretty much everything you hear seems to be directed directly at you (thank you God).
watched a movie that maybe i shouldn't have watched-- esp. on sunday
and yet it's making me think
because it's one of those that would be a pretty good ice cream... if it weren't for all the bugs in it.
i went on a walk with three of my bestest friends-- so fun.
almost... well, we won't go there, but someone did honk at me.... yikes.
I had a dream in which a Fish was telling me about 1 Peter chapter 1. So I read it. There's some good stuff there. Among other things, I learned that obedience (to our Heavenly Father) increases our ability to love. Awesome. I love the scriptures. And dreams. And dreamy guest stars...
So, there are things I'm wondering and would like to get straightened out in my mind... but I'm remembering the Guidance-- take it easy about those things for another month; focus on what really needs to be focused on right now, and then figure out those other things. Prepare yourself in the meantime.
And so, the questions, I will think about a bit, make my peace with for now, and work out the answers when the time is right.
Sounds like a plan, Stan. (Who is this "Stan" anyway?)
Okay, time to do bedtime (and pre-bedtime) stuff.... like dishes.
Tomorrow's a doctor's appointment. I want to swear off triptans.... we'll see what the doctor says.
It's time to say my prayers and go to sleep.
TTFN. :)

"You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."

"I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't."

(the qoutes are from that little black book movie; pictures are from google searches- gotta love google)

it's a wonderful life!

So, pretty much, I'm in a place where I'm happy with my life at the moment. Not to say that it's not difficult, because it is. There are a lot of things going on that I could very well stress out about-- which I have stressed out about, and even panicked about a time or two.
But overall, I am happy with my life because I know that I'm living it as my Father in Heaven would have me. There are soo many things up in the air (school, friends, health, etc) that I honestly have almost no idea how they'll turn out. I do, however, have the knowledge that I have the Spirit in my life. I have little promptings here and there which remind me that I am living how I should be living. Not perfectly-- definately not perfectly. But I'm dealing with my imperfections and I'm going through the life process of growing and maturing. I can see lessons I'm learning, and I understand that there are many ways I'm growing which I don't even recognize (and of course, many ways I have yet to grow). I might freak out from time to time; there might some trials that are especially difficult; but honestly, this process is nothing new. It's part of that wondrous Plan and I feel comforted in knowing that I am growing as my Father would have me do. Knowing this helps me to have the faith that everything will work out just fine in the end (and the eternal end, too!).

On a sidenote: conference was wonderful. I loved the talks and saw a couple themes there just for me. I took great notes, but not as anal retentively as normal, which left me thinking room for hearing what the Spirit had to tell me (and thus take note of that and not just what the speaker was talking of).
I also got to hold hands with a boy. (gasp!) That also helped to contribute to more conservative note-taking. But don't worry- I didn't let it get in the way of the really important things I had to take note of! (Sorry, I can't hold your hand right now because I need to write something down.... again.... like I did just a moment ago.... and will probably do again in another minute....)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some conference notes to read over and ponder on. (I didn't get the themes I noticed written down for the Sunday sessions like I did for the Saturday ones.) Then some scripture reading. I am making a go at Isaiah. Wish me luck. (I'm currently in the chapters that overlap with 2 Nephi and am thusly reading from there. So far it's not as bad--- tricky-- as I expected. :D) I also have some praying to do, because prayer is awesome.
Oh, that's another thing. You know what's absolutely awesome? When you don't have an answer for someone, being able to say, "I really really don't know! But guess what?! God does! Go ask Him!" I love that! It totally made my day yesterday, and I think it worked out for my Friend, too!

Okay, gute Nacht! Und haben Sie su"sse Trau"me! Schlafen Sie gut!

learning and growing experiences

A few things are bouncing about in my brain tonight. Firstly, is an idea I had while listening to FBI Agent O'Riley talk to us in FHE ("Family Home Evening"-- I've started attending the local singles' ward's FHE) about self defense. Secondly, are some lines from the hymn God Speed the Right. And lastly, some thoughts about peace.

So, first off-- Brother (I'm 95% confident he's Mormon) Agent O'Riley was talking about how adrenaline affects us in situations where we need to defend ourselves. He drilled into our heads the fact that there are inevitable physiological reactions to psychological experiences. Physiology and psychology go hand in. When someone comes after us with a knife, we naturally get kind of freaked out- that is a psychological reaction. Along with it, comes the adrenaline rush (physiological). Tunnel vision. Exaggerated gross motor skills, but poor fine motor skills (don't even try to play the flute when being attacked). And so on. He talked about using those physiological reactions to our advantage and not letting them take advantage of us. (Punching, kicking, and shoving an attacker however you can will be much easier than trying to contort their fingers or strategically land a ninja-style kick.)
Related this same statement he made, was the statement which I wrote down (in the little notebook that travels with me everywhere for just this purpose): We cannot control our physiological reaction, but we can (at least to an extent) control our psychological reactions. I found that piece of advice particularly applicable to me.
I cannot change that fact that when I get really anxious, I also get really nauseous. I can't change the fact that stress- whether it be actually "stressing out" or merely mental or physical exertion- results in a pronounced physiological response for me. I get migraines; I throw up; I become (easily) exhausted; I get sore all over; I can't think clearly; I end up doing nothing but staying at home.
These things I cannot change. That is just how my body and mind are wired togethor. Maybe, over time, that will change, but for now, that's my reality.
What I can do, however, is control (to a significant extent) the psychological triggers for these unpleasant physiological experiences. I can train myself to be more calm. I can manage time better. I can learn and then abide to my limits. I can change those limits by slowly adhering to and then pushing them ever so slightly, yet steadily. I can change the way I think, and thusly, I can change the way I physically feel.
I'm not saying that I can cure myself of my nausea, migraines, IBS.... by changing the way I think-- by changing my instincts-- but I can definately put myself in a much better position. Emotional and Spiritual health are much more important than physical health. Of course the three are related- tightly interwoven- but notice how if one were to take physical health out of the picture it is still possible to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. But a removal spiritual health results in a disintigration of emotional health (and vice versa) and often results in a decline in physical health as well.
Strengthening ourselves emotionally and spiritually gives us the power to deal with physical struggles.
Having the Spirit in our lives can do so much for us in so many different ways. Being spiritually healthy on occasion will cure ailments, but more importantly- it always provides strength to endure. I think, also, that it can help catalyze medical treatment. Let me explain.
Recently (in the past month or so) I have begun to feel better. It's amazing. I keep waiting for this upswing in my health to stop, but so far it hasn't. I still am sick much of the time. I still throw up. I still get migraines. But they affect me less. The migraines are less often and less severe. The nausea is still constant, but less noticeable (yes- thanks in large part to the lovely zofran). I have, overall, been able to do more (I'll post more about that sometime soon, I guess). I have been able to see people more often, stick to commitments, etc. etc. It's been amazing. I was trying to figure out last week or the week prior what might have triggered this change. Was it a change in medication? Diet? Exercise? Routine?.... Something had to trigger this change.
And then I figured it out.
I started feeling better (gradually yes, but still noticeably) right around the time I seriously committed myself to having the Spirit in my life more. In making my spiritual well-being a priority, I was blessed by an improvement in my physical (and emotional) health.
The "little things" (reading your scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping Christ in mind) really do make all the difference. They open the door for the Spirit, and allow us to be influenced and blessed by it. I am so grateful for this. I understand that my physical health will fluctuate, that's just the nature of what I have to endure, but my ability to cope- to deal-, with health problems will continue to improve; as will my happiness and peace.

Peace is very interesting. I have a tendency to freak out. I don't get panic attacks all that often any more, but my anxiety level is still higher than the "average" person's. I usually think of myself as having it under control, but lately, with all the things I've had to worry about, my anxiety levels have been a bit higher than my own average. I have even had a few panic attacks. Nonetheless, I have found that it is still possible to have peace. (I wrote about a particular experience here.) I realized after FHE (and commented on it to Excellent Friend) that I was feeling peaceful. Today has been up and down for me (feeling crappy, but then not too bad; worrying about school, but then having some things resolved; stressful things with family....), and I have a good amount of things that I could be worried about. It wouldn't be unexpected if I had a panic attack as a result. I was definately worrying about these things earlier today. But, once again, I found that Heavenly Father and our Savior- if I let them- can instill in me a sense of peace- a knowledge that everything will turn out alright, even if there appears to be no possible solution. With this peace, I am reassured. I am given the extra boost in faith and strength that I need to endure. The resolution, or Happy Ending, may not happen for quite awhile, but it will happen. That's what matters. And even though there are many reasons for me to "freak out", and even though it would be very reasonable for me to worry, in this moment I am able to be calm and assured.
I understand that this feeling will leave me. But I can find comfort in knowing that what that feeling testifies of will not change. If I get distracted from that feeling and start to freak out, it doesn't change the Truth. Everything will be alright. Christ will take care of me. All I need to do is live my life so that I am allowing Him to.
While talking about this to Excellent Friend, I realized something else about it. I need to actively seek after that feeling of peace more. Instead of waiting to be in a spiritual setting that gives me that peace, I need to adapt my life so that I am bringing that peace to it. I know that I can do this, and I know I'm on the right track to doing it. That's so nice to know. I also know that I will be happier and able to accomplish more and become better by bringing that peace into my life.

E. Friend had a tough evening, and I surprised myself when I sat down next to him by not questioning him about what was on his mind. Normally my curiosity gets the best of me and I try to get people to talk to me. I want to know what's wrong, and how I can help. Tonight I was thoroughly curious and concerned. But somehow, I managed to heed the prompting that I didn't need to ask him all about it. I have recently begun to be more patient. Slowly this new wisdom has been planting itself in my brain. People will tell me things when they're ready to. I just need to let them know I'm there to love them, and that I'm willing to listen IF and when they are ready to talk. If they don't talk to me about it (and I have made sure they understand that I am there for them whenever they need me) then obviously it doesn't need to be talked about to me. So for the most part, I have recently been more able to curb my curiosity. It's fascinating.

So, as I sat with my Friend, I decided that while I let him think, I would do some thinking myself. I prayed. I pondered. And I asked for help and guidance.
Randomly popping into my mind were lines from a hymn. Thankfully (since I could only remember the first two lines), a hymn book was right next to me and I was able to look up the song. God Speed the Right. Part of the second verse caught my attention.

Ne’er despairing, though defeated,
God speed the right.
Like the great and good in story,
If we fail, we fail with glory.

I'm going to be thinking about those lines for the next couple of days. I believe that it's possible to be defeated and yet not despair. To fail, but fail in glory. It is a very intriguing idea to me, because that perspective is not one that comes naturally to me. Man, and especially, I think, the American Culture, has this idea that winning is glory, and to loose, fail, or be defeated-- is awful. We must, at all costs, avoid failure. The idea that failure might not be that bad- that idea is so completely foreign. It is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around it. It just is not how I have been conditioned to think.
Ideas about this are beginning to come to my mind, but they need some serious thinking and time to develop enough for me to come to any conclusion. I want insight from other people.
So, dear readers (yes, that means you, Magnificent Friend; and...- do I have any other readers?), I'd like some feedback. How does it work? --How can we be defeated, and yet not despair? How can fail, yet fail with glory?
It's an intriguing notion. I think that understanding this concept might just be part of "[putting] off the natural man", and coming to see and understand life and everything else as God does.

Those are my thoughts for this evening. Good night, and I'll try to start posting regularly again.

this feeling is peace

There's a lot to be grateful for. On my mind at the moment are xenox, my parents, peace(think this song), and eternal truths.

This morning I struggled. I knew I needed to feel the Spirit. I needed the guidance and comfort. I was feeling anxious, and just couldn't shake the feeling. Anxiety has a way of clouding one's mind. It keeps out comfort, guidance, enlightenment- all things that would offer peace. I took my mom up on her offer to take a xenox- not something I do regularly, mind you, but I believe I was having a bit of a panic attack, and in the interest of getting the anxiety enough out of the way for me to be able to accept the peace that Heavenly Father can give, I decided it was worth it.
Church is wonderful. The atmosphere, people, and sense of community are a part of that, but even more- the gospel truths being taught at church are wonderful. The guidance and comfort that can be obtained there are nothing short of amazing. I absolutely love how it causes me to refocus on the important things, and, more specifically, on truths.
Eternal truths are another amazing thing. To think that behind the endless expanse that is the universe, there exist orders and laws that govern not only the motion of the planets, but provide a means to pure and eternal happiness- what joy! What sweet and wonderful, blissful joy.
Just as breathtaking is the fact that we, dust of the Earth that we are, can know and reap the blessings of these truths. Our loving Father in Heaven speaks to us today through prophets so that we may know the truths necessary to our eternal salvation, progression and happiness. I am nothing short of amazed and grateful.
On a more personal note, my parents are wonderful. Sure, I disagree with them about some things (media preferences &c), I may roll my eyes at them from time to time (and sometimes may even be almost justified in it), but when it comes down to it, they are nothing short of amazing, admirable, spiritual, and loving people. They are parents I am glad and grateful to have. Their testimonies, their common sense, ability to teach and lead our family, and their love leaves me with a smile on my face, tears in my eyes, and a sappy warm feeling in my heart. I watch them handle the critical things, and find them not wanting, but excelling. In that- what I think the most necessary parental quality next only to love- I hope to emulate them. For that, I am grateful to them.

Isn't peace an interesting thing? I woke up this morning feeling anxious, and probably got to the point where I was suffering a mild panic attack. None of the things that caused me anxiety this morning have been resolved. Despite this, I feel peace- a quiet reassurance that everything will be alright and I need not worry so much, but trust in my Father.

All may not be right with the world, but I am at peace with it.

the medicine of friendship

I woke up this morning thankfully sans migraine, but unfortunately not sans anything else. Nausea was there, but what I noticed most was the mental and physical feeling of pure fatigue. My muscles felt more than just tired or sore. I felt as if my body were missing some substance which kept it from wilting, for I felt as if I were, indeed wilting.
I'm pretty certain that I've been struggling a bit with my depression. I'm glad I recognize it. I think the fatigue can be blamed partly on some depression. I've had a growing disinterest, or apathy, for things which I normally have a high amount of energy and concern for.
I think I might be trying so hard to not stress out about school that I have become a bit apathetic towards it. Towards my future. Towards my religion. My music. I have even begun to feel apathy towards my friends from time to time. It might be because it's easier to be apathetic than it is to worry overmuch.
But I digress-- I was not feeling well today. Physically I was exhausted, mentally I was foggy at best, and emotionally I was depressed. I felt that feeling of hopelessness weighing on me, even as I dared to hope for little things.
Usually I hope for comfort and company. I miss my friends a great deal.
I played some solitaire (spider- the best kind), hoping to distract myself. I practiced my flute- hoping that playing would get some emotion out, and release the pressure pent up inside my chest. I was texting a friend, trying to figure out when I'd get to see him next. I felt as if I were in a fog of apathetic depression (or would it be depressed apathy??).
Such was my state when the lovely Christine called. Just to say hi. She had plans for the evening with a friend of ours, and I found myself interested... I wanted to see them both. I didn't care so much what we were doing, but the thought of their company thrilled me. I think I may very well have been craving the interaction.
I got ready quickly and was picked up, and off we went. The evening didn't go as I thought it might have-- we did (and didn't do) things I hadn't expected. It didn't matter though. There was conversation- both silly and serious, inane and meaningful. My brain clicked on. By the time I got home (at least a couple hours later than anticipated), my mind felt so much clearer, and my heart so much lighter.
The evening wasn't easy. We did a lot, and talked a lot.
And yet, I came home happy. With a hope in my heart that I may just be able to do things again. That I may be able to live again.
It was good to get out of the house.
It was great to be in the company of dear friends.
It is wonderful to feel rejuvenated.

I am Jane Bennett...

... at least sometimes.
Jane was thought indifferent to Bingley because she wasn't overly demonstrative of her affections for him.
Do people think me, at times, indifferent because I am not overly demonstrative?
I think that may very well be a possibility. I can be very conservative with my affections. Why is that? Is it caution? Fear? Out of propriety? Shyness? Or is it simply inexperience or insecurity?
What would happen if I amde an effort to be more demonstrative of my affections for those daer to me? Would it frighten or unsettle them? Or would it merely endear me to them, and them to me all the more.
I'm willing to give it a try.

a necessity

What is love?
Love is this strange force which binds people together.
It is the undefinable antimatter all around.
It pushes and shoves.
Stubborn. Persistant. Unrelenting.
It sits and waits.
Silent. Patient. Understanding.
It questions.
And believes.
It hopes.
And doubts.

Love guides a path
that would never have been followed.
It strengthens.
It conquers what should have killed.

Love invades
as an army.
It comes in slow, quiet breaths or
In one quick gasp.
It seizes every cell, every thought-
every wish, hope and dream-
and shapes them.
Commands them.
It kills errant desires,
useless daydreams,
and arrogant planning.
It invades
and takes control.

Love stops
where others passed by.
It lifts up
and gives of its strength.
It grows,
and causes growth.
It is steady
and leads change.
Love heals.

Fuel.
Poison.
Medicine.

Love is essential.