to my future children

I watched a blog video clip from this strong woman (go to her blog, and if you can donate, please do).  It was from the beginning of the year and I just closed out of the page and it would take me awhile to find it again, and it was even on a different blog of hers.  Anyways, in her video clip, the woman speaks to her future children about her anorexia.  She talks about how she loves her anorexia (she talks about this a lot in her blog, too), but how she loves them more, and she wants to beat the anorexia so she can give birth to them and be a good mother to them.  This touched me, and I just felt I had to share my feelings about it.  I pray that I will say what needs to be said, and know to leave out what is not appropriate or kosher to share with the entire web.
Most of my friends and family know I was in love and engaged 2 years ago.  I'm not really shy about sharing this- just as, once asked, I'm not really shy about sharing most things in my life (or mind).  Ironic, considering I was so shy, I used to hide behind my dad's leg when I was little.  Anyways, during my engagement- particularly the beginning (while, imo, it was still pretty healthy and right)- I felt very close to God.  And I felt very close to angels.  And I loved my children.  Not that I have any yet, but I knew I would.  And I felt so close to them.  When we broke up, I felt like I lost them, and in some ways, that was even harder than breaking up.  Because I already loved them.  Somehow, loving them helped me get through that difficult, insane, confusing, upside-down, life-spinning-out-of-control time of my life.
Fast forward to today.  I feel sane, and happy.  Sometimes I really miss feeling close to my children.  I like who I am.  I honestly continue to struggle with being happy with where I am in life (my mind tells me, do more, be more), but I know God loves me, and frankly, I love me, too.  And lately I've had a lot of people tell me they love me, too.  It's weird and often unexpected, but I totally appreciate it.
Anyways...

To my future children
I don't know who you are yet, but I love you.  I don't have a family or a home for you yet (kinda need a husband for that), but I'm excited to have you come.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Thank you for being the wonderful spirits you are.  Loving you motivates me to do hard things.  I hope I can live healthily, so I can teach you how to be healthy.  I hope I live close to Christ so I can teach you to expect His influence in your lives daily.  I hope, despite my weaknesses,  that you never question my commitment to the Kingdom of God.  I hope you always know I love you.  I hope I can teach you what it means to be emotionally healthy- just as my mother, and her mother, have taught me.  I hope you love Heavenly Father, never doubt your divinity, and trust in His Plan.  And lastly, I hope you know how grateful I am for you.


Thank you, Camilla, The Night Baker, for sharing your story.

can't sleep, and i've never liked counting sheep

my first interesting (and inane) note, is how on commas. you see, as i was typing the title to this post, i put a comma right up there after "can't sleep".  my elementary school training tells me that's not necessary, but rather optional.  because it's coming before "and".  i believe there was some movement to take commas away from before "and". or at least be okay with a lack of them.  at least, that's what i recall mrs. bowers in the fourth grade telling me.  or was it mrs. rossall in the fifth?  anyways, when i was in training for my absolutely wonderful new scribe job, my supervisor told me i didn't put enough commas in.  she'd go over histories of present illness i'd written, and stick in a bunch of commas(an HPI the part of the patient's chart where you sum up all the stuff they told you about what's wrong with them today). we had a nice discussion about commas following this.  she's only a few years older than i, and so i wonder- did the anti-comma movement begin with my generation?  or is it just me?  so in order to make her happy, i began putting commas in all sorts of grammatically appropriate places which i had never previously done.  and i'm still doing it.  it makes me chuckle.
oh, and i'm not sure if this is related or not, but most physicians (and scribes) seem to be against double spacing between sentences.  i've observed doctors go over my HPI and removethe double spaces.  i adapt, and then remind myself that they probably didn't major in english.  oh, except there is one doctor who does use them, and i get excited because then i can type the way i'm trained to-- with double spaces after my periods.  except i think the habit might be wearing a little thin, because in writing this i'm havign to consciously remind myself to double space.
i flash back to that time in sixth grade when my mom, english major and all, reviewed an essay i wrote.  i remember her informing me that i needed to double space between sentences.  i told her my teacher didn't ask for that.  she responded that it's the proper thing to do, and even if my teacher didn't ask for it, i should do it anyways.  so i did.  and it became a habit.  and i never remember anyone else making a fuss about it during my school career, so either i learned my lesson, or no one cared.  or both.  but i'm glad that my mom taught me to double space.

now, if you didn't consider those previous 3 paragraphs a waste of your time, i'll just keep babbling.  and if you did, but you're still reading for some reason anyways, i'll just keep babbling all the same.

so it's 3am and i can't sleep.  why?  a few reasons.  the first being that i am a night owl by nature.  even if i get into the habit of waking early, it doesn't take much at all to get me back into my night owl-y ways.  second reason, work.  i worked night shift recently, and then some late nights since.  add that to the spring quarter being over and therefore no reason to be out of bed at 7am after working till midnight the previous night, and you have night-owlishness.  on top of that, i didn't really make it to my morning classes regularly for the last two weeks of spring quarter.  'cuz my migraines started acting up.
yeah, i should have expected as much.  and i'm pretty sure i know exactly what happened.  you see, i registered for classes full-time.  and then i started a new job.  and i still tried to spend some time with family, and have a social life, and date.  and go to church.  i was really excited at the beginning of all this, because i feel satisfied when my life is full.  when i am busily engaged in multiple good things, feel like i'm moving forward in my life, and have meaningful relationships with the people around me, i feel content.  more than content, actually.  i'm happy, and excited, and super grateful.
i knew before the quarter started that i should be looking for a job, and that i should be working.  i recall feeling confident about going to school full-time.  i was nervous about adding work to that challenge, but i knew the impression to work and go to school was an impression from my Heavenly Father.  i trusted that since that was what He wanted me to do, i would be able to do it.  and for a few weeks i did.  honestly, if i didn't have the health problems that i do, i think i would have been able to keep it up.  but that's what made me feel so grateful- i knew that there was no way without the aide of God and His angels that i could work and go to school.  and truly, even just the few weeks that i did do it and stay on top of things were nothing short of miraculous, especially when juxtaposed with my academic and health histories.

but let's catch up to where i am now.  the quarter's over and i still haven't finished my classes.  i have an arrangement with my teachers, so there's hope, but it still makes me nervous.  and i'm nervous about my future.  it kind of sucks not being able to count on the long term plans i make because my health problems have a habit of never resolving and popping back up with a vengeance for months at a time at least a few times yearly.  i like doing things, and i like making plans.  it's hard to feel limited in my ability to do both.
oh, and there's the whole thing about wanting to get married.  and have a family.  i don't want to rush into anything, and indeed, i find some fulfillment from simply getting to know and befriend the single guys around me.  i've been pretty happy with the state of my love life as of late.  but my attitude changes a little bit when i get sick, and am subsequently cooped up for days on end (where did that expression come from anyways?  when you break it down, it really doesn't mean anything... reminds me of a conversation my buddy stan and i had about the english language versus ancient languages).  in these cases, i really just want someone to have at home, to cuddle with in bed while i feel like crap and my hair is a mess.  and someone whom i don't have to worry about losing a chance with or dealing with those silly dating situations when i want to cancel, reschedule, or just change what we're doing for a date because i don't feel up to doing much.
and just so we're clear, i'm not saying that i'm looking for a cuddle-buddy.  those are nice, i guess, but mostly useless, and confusing.

also, i'm pretty sure i just babbled about a bunch of stuff to put on my public blog which i wouldn't have if i weren't both sleep-deprived and migraining.  like, my brain does weird things with migraines and pain.  one of them being a lessening somewhat in inhibitions.  dunno if anyone other than those super close to me would notice, but it happens.  i get to the point where i do something or consider doing something and just don't have the mental energy to decide whether or not to actually do it or say it, and then i just decide that it's what i'm really thinking and if the person i'm talking to loves me, or is at least a kind reasonable person, won't judge me if it comes out sounding stupid or crazy or childish or something.  because by rule i'm not stupid, childish, or crazy (technically speaking).

and i have no way to neatly sum up all of these thoughts.  there's a phrase commonly used by scribes to sum up HPI's.  first we say what the patient is complaining of, how long they've been experiencing it, any accompanying symptoms, risk factors or other pertinent information, and then we list a bunch of pertinent things they're not experiencing.  "so-and-so complains of shortness of breath, but denies any loss of consciousness, chest pain, palpitations, nausea, or vomiting" is important to note because it indicates they're probably not having a heart attack.  or "so-and-so complains of a laceration to his forearm after falling off his dirt bike, but denies any weakness, numbness, or tingling" is good to note because it indicates they probably don't have any nerve or muscle damage.
anyways.... after these things in the HPI, there are two magical phrases we use to wrap it all up.  "S/he is otherwise in good health with no additional complaints" and "s/he is otherwise in her normal state of health with no additional complaints."  it sums things up nicely (the latter is particularly good for people with lots of health problems who only come into the ER because they got a scratch that needs to be stitched up).

so, to sum up this post, i am otherwise in my normal state of health, with no additional complaints.

and here's a pretty picture for you to look at, just for making it to the end of this post.  i got these from my dad when i had my sinus surgery back in february.  pretty, eh?

my mom is hilarious

This is a recent ad she placed on craigslist....

Big Black Sectional Sofa / Couch - $25 

SAVE BIG BLACK!!! Big Black needs a new home. It has served us well for years, but we're tossing her aside for a younger model with microfiber and color.
The far left section of Big Black includes a reclining seat, which provides perfect comfort for watching both football and dancing with the stars. It also has put in many years of sci-fi and homework support. We have paired it nicely with both floral and striped pillows and it's always happy to keep a throw handy on a cold winter's eve. As the pictures attest, it is in pretty good shape although it is starting to show its age a bit on the most loved cushions. A couple of the back panels have small tears, but these are actually quite subtle and well hidden if against the wall (and could easily be disguised by a small strategically placed bit of black tape).
The right section includes a hide-a-bed that worked well until the "pig-pile incident" of late 2011. We thought 20-something adult children could count a bit better, but alas, The Black did sustain some damage that night. The hide-a-bed now hides well, it just doesn't un-hide to become-a-bed so well. If someone was handy and had the right sort of crow bar and patience, that could probably be remedied. However, as my husband's strengths run more toward IT and emergency response issues, and I'd rather play in the garden, we're happy to let someone else take a crack at it and help the Black regain some of her multi-purpose glory.
Big Black is actually REAL LEATHER on the front/facing cushions (we think the back may be "leatherette" or some similar cowhide imposter), which disguises a million faux and real paw prints and cleans up beautifully with a few clorox wipes and a vacuum hose attachment. It comes in three sections. The bed section is fairly bulky and heavy. The others are just bulky. So you'll probably need two people who can lift and maneuver well.
Not bad for $25, eh? We might even consider "OBO" as well if it meant the Black would be truly appreciated and well cared for.
p.s. We're hoping Big Black will go on Saturday so as to avoid an awkward encounter with her replacement. Please text 206-555-5555 to Save Big Black. 

It should be noted that my mom bought Big Black's replacement for $10 :)

The Guyana Journal... Post #1

I promised to post about my trip to Guyana... well, I've typed up parts of my journal so I will start sharing those journal entries in different posts.  This entries in this post are all from the week prior to my leaving for Guyana.


Note: some of the more personal, spiritual, and irrelevant entries will be withheld from these posts (indicated by a "..." or "[ ]" to sum up what I've taken out)

17 Oct 2011 Monday

dr fred doing what we all
tried to do chance we got-
 exactly one week from this entry

One week from right now, it will be noon in Guyana.  And I have no idea what I’ll be doing- sitting in a bush plane, flying to the jungle?  Relaxing for a couple hours after 20 hours of ravel to fly from Seattle to Toronto to Trinidad-Tobago, to Guyana?  Setting up camp in some rural, jungle village?  Eating lunch in Georgetown?  In the jungle?  Puking my guts out from traveling?  Being briefed on what we’ll be doing and where we’ll be going over the next two weeks?  Becoming acquainted with my fellow teammates?  Being propelled through the jungle by canoe?  Taking pictures?  Reading my scriptures?  Writing in my journal?

I could go on.

I have so much to do to prepare.

….

I pray that I will be everything I need to be for this trip.  The Spirit whispers in response that the Savior qualifies whom He calls- He does not (always) call the qualified.  I suppose that would be me.  Unqualified, inexperienced, and weak.  But mine is an errand of angels; a mission given by my Savior.  Have faith in Him and confidence that with Him and His Holy Spirit, I can do all things.  Even hard things.

18 Oct Tues

….

Now, to be honest with myself-

·         I haven’t been drinking anywhere near enough water.  (Probably cuz I ran out of H2) bottles haha.)

·         My room is much too dusty and is a part of my sinus problem.  If I want to get healthy, I absolutely must deep clean it.  That means under the bed.  I’m a little frightened and wish I had a mask.

·         While avoiding sugar has been good for mental health, I haven’t been eating enough things of nutritional value.  Low-sugar cereal is not good enough for me to live off of.

I’ve lost weight!  Yay!  I weight myself at Katie’s the other day—165lbs!  I don’t remember the last time I was below 170!  Yay!  Yay!  Yay!

Guyana is getting closer.  I’m excited.

I’ve had a couple moments of nervousness, but those largely passed when I prayed or thought of my Heavenly Father.

….

20 Oct Thurs

….

[A friend of mine gave me some advice for my upcoming trip to Guyana.  He said to get to know the people and their families.]  There are things they can teach or bring to me which will help me live and appreciate a good life.

Budgeting.  Finances.  Don’t spend more than you have.  I think I may not go to Kaieteur Falls.  Maybe another day.  I would rather roam Georgetown, have money to buy some things for myself and my family, and have money left over for when I come back home so I’m not completely broke.  There is life after Guyana.   I don’t know what I’m going to do with it, but it is there!

I’m excited.

…

21 Oct Friday @ the temple

This morning I didn’t want to drive all the way up here, but I read my scriptures and was encouraged to not be slothful (Alma 32 or 33) but have faith and look to Christ for healing.  So I came and blessedly arrived at the same time as a husband and wife who wanted to do baptisms.  Right after I was done with baptisms, I noticed my sinuses felt more open and the mucus and pus had started to drain.  That was nice.  And it wasn’t the chlorine water (I’ve been swimming and not had the same effect).  I believe it’s because Baptism is a cleansing ordinance and the temple is a holy, consecrated space.  I believe that even though I am performing the baptisms as a proxy for other sisters, I still receive some of the cleansing benefits.

I love the temple.  I so glad I came.  I’m so glad Heavenly Father helped me read my scriptures, get out of bed, and come.  I’m grateful that those Hungarian sisters were able to be confirmed or baptized today.  I welcome them to the Church.

I know that angels will be with me in Guyana and I am so thankful for that…. Indeed, I rely on the promise that angels will be round me to bear me up.  I’ll need it.

….

2 Corin 10:4 “the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds.”

Nothing physical we do will pull down the barriers that exist between us and others.  Cuddling, holding hands, and kissing are not weapons.  Hitting, kicking, shooting, intimidating, and yelling will not do it either.  Rather, courage, testimony, strength- might! - given by God, will pull down those strongholds.

·         Courage

·         Strength

·         Testimony

·         Truth

·         Transparency

And always remember the scripture: “For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ”.

Don’t be afraid to tell people what I believe and allow them to act.  God has given me no commandment or advice of action aside from share the things I am blessed to have with my neighbor so that he may also be blessed by them and stand with boldness and meekness for the things Christ has given me faith in.

Do not apologize for the words of angels.

Share with courage what I know.

Love people for themselves.

Forgive people.  Go to them privately with injuries and anxieties that they may be resolved.  Invite people to come to me with injuries and anxieties that they may be resolved.

Journey.

Trust the Savior to lead those I love and worry about through intensive healing.

Love my future children.  Share that love with others.

Open up my heart to others, trusting the Lord to care for it.  When is the opportunity to do this?  Always.

[23 Nov 2011 Weds]  Conducting oneself this way towards those you love most is difficult, but possible.  Conducting oneself this way towards those with whom you have disagreements is, at least- daunting, and at most- terrifying.  I feel inadequate.  Yet I know that this is the way those of us who have Judeo-Christian values have been commanded to live.  We know it is best, it is right, and we know that God will help us.

“Lay aside the things of this world and seek for things of a better.”

Lift up my heart and rejoice!  Cleave unto my covenants:

·         Baptismal

·         Pre-earth

·         Covenants to come

“Continue in meekness and beware of PRIDE.”

The journey to Guyana begins!

"here we are and here we will stay"

Less than four days until I leave for my grand adventure to Guyana. As I finished filling out some insurance claims forms, I came across a quote from President Brigham Young I had carefully copied one day months ago during church. It's a beautiful quote and I felt it a shame to simply place it back inside my big notebook, to be forgotten about for a few more months. So I will share it here that not only may I have more opportunity to reflect on and remember it, but so that you (whoever you are) may enjoy it as well.

If you are LDS, you already know about Brother Brigham. If you are not, I will tell you the basics-- he was the second prophet after Christ's church was restored to this Earth. He is famous for leading the Mormons from Nauvoo, IL to middle-of-nowhere Utah. He was a pivotal person in the movement of people to the West. When he and the Saints first arrived in the Salt Lake Valley in 1847, President Young declared, "this is the right place".

Life was hard in newly settled Utah, and some of the Saints wanted to journey out and find gold. What did Brigham tell them? (enter my awesome quote)

God has appointed this place for the gathering of his saints... Those who stop here and are faithful to God and his people will make more money and get richer than you that run after the god of this world.... We have been kicked out of the frying pan into the fire, out of the fire into the middle of the floor, and here we are and here we will stay. God has shown me that this is the spot to locate his people, and here is where they will prosper; he will temper the elements for the good of his Saints; he will rebuke the frost and the sterility of the soil, and the land shall become fruitful. Brethren, go to now, and plant out your fruit seeds. . . .

What does this mean to me? A lot. During the summer of 2010 I was praying about whether or not I should withdraw from BYU-Idaho and come home that fall. I fasted about it and went to the temple. On the way to the temple I passed by a fellow who was on the phone, reading his scriptures out loud. I heard him say, "go down into the valley which is northward". I was so astonished at this (for those of you who don't know, my home in Washington is in a valley-area... and WA is north of Idaho) that I turned around and asked the young man where he had been reading. He answered "Ether 1", the last two verses of which read

...thou shalt go at the head of them down into the valley which is northward. And there will I meet thee, and I will go before thee into a land which is choice above all the lands of the earth. And there will I bless thee and thy seed, and raise up unto me of thy seed, and of the seed of thy brother, and they who shall go with thee, a great nation. And there shall be none greater than the nation which I will raise up unto me of thy seed, upon all the face of the earth. And thus I will do unto thee because this long time ye have cried unto me.

Jesus Christ has a history of bringing his people away from their comfort zones into a land prepared for them. He led the Israelites out of bondage in Egypt; he led Lehi and his family out of Jerusalem before it was destroyed; and in the above scripture, He is preparing the prophet and his brother, Jared, to lead their families and friends to the promised land. He led Christopher Columbus to discover the Americas! Christ prepares a beautiful land for his people to prosper, multiply, raise children, and grow in freedom as they worship Him. Was not the United States a nation formed by the hand of God?

Our great Captain (or Pilot) does not reserve His hand for mass exoduses. Instead, I believe that He guides us each to our own promised land- sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. He literally led me back home to Washington and I believe "here [I am] and here [I] will stay" (for now... and except for my upcoming trip to Guyana ;) ). And what has He promised me if I am faithful to God, his people, and go to now and plant my seeds? He promises me that He will temper the elements for my good, He will rebuke the frost and sterility of the soil, and this land will become fruitful for me.

I know this is true and I know that this is what He is doing in my life now. I know that He is providing me rich opportunities now- right where I am in my life!-- to do and learn things to not only serve His children, but to also be prepared to be a mother to some of His sacred little ones who so desire to come to Earth and gain bodies. I'm excited (and a bit intimidated haha) to be a mother someday and I am grateful for the opportunities I am given now at my young age to build a foundation for not only my life, but for my future family and my children.

1. An account of the awesome life of Brigham Young is found here and here.
2. "Our Very Survival", a neat talk on prophets given by Elder Kevin R Duncan.
3. The speech, "These Noble Pioneers" (by the prophet Gordon B Hinckley) where this quote and the story surrounding it can be found in entirety.
4. "Christopher Columbus: Inspired Seaman". Written for children.

that's right. i'm a sage.

so the boy she likes happens to like her. he also happens to play city of heroes, which is the online RPG that my dad and step-brother recently got her into. so it's their day off of school and she's complaining that he won't stop texting her to get online and play with him and she keeps telling him that she can't get on the computer right now. so finally she told him that he needs to level up to play with her. he responded by asking when she'd be able to play.

my advice? text him back and say,

"if you don't stop texting me, you will never level up"

mission accomplishment before personal safety

My brother had his first ever migraine last night. He said "I'd rather get kicked in the nuts."

I got to advise him a lot on what's good and bad for migraines and what they actually are. That was fun. I always like talking about the pathophysiology of migraines.

He even made a comment about having more sympathy for me now. My response of "yeah, I felt that for about 2 years straight" was the closest I came to saying "I told you so". He was very nice about it and laughed. It's nice to have someone in my home now who has had a migraine. He agreed that you truly don't understand what they're like until you've had one. Now, he had whopper of a migraine which involved a night long of dry heaving, but I'm grateful he understands now. It's encouraging to me.

He was a little worried about them coming frequently, but he doesn't have a family history of migraines so I think he's pretty safe. he seemed relieved to hear that.

Part of my routine when I get a migraine is to stop. Just stop. And take care of myself, so when I'm feeling better I can get back into things full swing. This is mostly bred out of self-preservation-- I tried the keep-going-with-a-migraine thing and the result was constant migraines for a long time, failed classes, lost weight (muscle mass, unfortunately), couldn't eat much.... you get the picture. So to avoid total incapacitation, I generally don't "push through" a migraine. Rob is now sitting and reading a book, per non-doctor's orders, but that was only after doing some work on chores. I told him he really should sit down and take care of himself before doing all that so it didn't get worse, but the movement seemed to help the muscular component and he proclaimed the USMC mindset of "mission accomplishment before personal safety". I admire that, and so long as he doesn't get recurrent migraines, that will work in his favor (and given his family history, I don't think he's likely to have recurrent migraines).

I don't think that mindset would work for me, but then again, maybe it would? I think the key is in following the prophetic counsel of King Benjamin,

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order. (Mosiah 4:27)

So, don't run faster than you have strength. But use the strength you have-- discover it, increase it, and diligently pursue your dreams.

backwards superstition, hearts, and some other thoughts

As of today, it's been one year since Roo passed away.
It's hard to believe it. It seems ike it's been such a long time... and yet a year really is quite short. I am an age she will never be. I have done, and will continue to do things, she will never do.
Perhaps there is a goal in life to see how much of our hearts we can give away. What good does our own heart do the world if we keep it to ourselves? But if we give pieces of it to different people, then when we part ways, those people still carry a part of our hearts. We may feel a pain at that piece being carried far away, but it would be good to remember also that we ourselves recieve portions of other peoples' hearts in return... perhaps with those pieces we are given, we can reconstruct our own, so that our heart becomes a patchwork quilt of the lives we have touched and have been touched by.
That idea sounds good to me. It sounds somewhat romantic, and probably a bit silly. Nonetheless, I like it.
I do not hurt for Roo herself-- she is happy, I am sure-- but rather I hurt for the missing of her. For the time I have spent and will have to spend without her. She has a sizeable chunk of my heart. In return, however, she has nestled herself a tender spot in mine.
That is how it should be, I think. By the end of our lives, our hearts will reflect so much about us. The condition of our hearts will reflect the choices we've made. I think also, though, that how much of our hearts we have given away will be important. And we will hold very dearly (treasure) the pieces of other peoples' hearts given to us.
So, what do you call this day? An anniversary of death? But I recognize it to celebrate a life...
Last Friday was the 7th anniversary of Roo's bone marrow transplant. She recieved the transplant in June of the year 2000 on Friday the 13th. She did things her own way, and where Friday the 13th was concerned, she was superstitious backwards: she considered it a lucky day. That specific day was definately a special one, with a solid miracle.
I wanted to do something special on these days, to remember Roo by. Well, I had a Red Cross appointment today to start volunteering... does that count? Eh, I don't think so much. However, a week from this Friday I'll job shadow at Children's in the oncology ward. So it's not on the 13th or 18th- it's coming up, and I'm excited. I just hope I won't get emotional or anything. I did fine in the Ped's ICU... but then again, I didn't interact much with kids that reminded me of Roo. We'll see how it goes. And-- if I come home at the end of the day and bawl, that's just fine. Every once in a while, a good bawl is called for. I think it has something to do with the heart.

So, Roo... here are some thoughts for you. Thank you for being a sister to me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for your patience with me. Understanding, sympathy, and empathy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and most of all- your heart-, with me. Thank you for helping me to grow. And thank you for the mark you left on me which will be with me throughout the entire rest of my life. In this way, you are still in my life, and I in yours, I'm sure. I pray for you often, and think of you even more. I hope for your happiness, and for the happiness of those dear to you. You continue to be an amazing example to me, and a cherished friend.
God be with you till we meet again. :)
Love,
~Cassanndre

i love my little sister

(I almost titled this note: "A Child's Prayer")

So, my youngest sister is ten years old and, as anyone who knows me well knows, annoys the heck out of me regularly (actually, that's not true, because if she really had "annoyed the heck" out of me, i would "have no more disposition to do evil"...). Despite this, I do acknowledge that the girl has a gift for saying beautiful prayers.

Today's prayer on dinner was... well... I just give you the highlights:

"We thank thee for this beautiful family which thou hast created and for the love we've built and have for each other..." (absolutely beautiful- I totally agree with her gratitude in that!)

a few sentences later came:

"...and please bless the ill that they may be a little ill, but not die..."

Do you think God will forgive me for my barely contained and irreverent laughter?

this feeling is peace

There's a lot to be grateful for. On my mind at the moment are xenox, my parents, peace(think this song), and eternal truths.

This morning I struggled. I knew I needed to feel the Spirit. I needed the guidance and comfort. I was feeling anxious, and just couldn't shake the feeling. Anxiety has a way of clouding one's mind. It keeps out comfort, guidance, enlightenment- all things that would offer peace. I took my mom up on her offer to take a xenox- not something I do regularly, mind you, but I believe I was having a bit of a panic attack, and in the interest of getting the anxiety enough out of the way for me to be able to accept the peace that Heavenly Father can give, I decided it was worth it.
Church is wonderful. The atmosphere, people, and sense of community are a part of that, but even more- the gospel truths being taught at church are wonderful. The guidance and comfort that can be obtained there are nothing short of amazing. I absolutely love how it causes me to refocus on the important things, and, more specifically, on truths.
Eternal truths are another amazing thing. To think that behind the endless expanse that is the universe, there exist orders and laws that govern not only the motion of the planets, but provide a means to pure and eternal happiness- what joy! What sweet and wonderful, blissful joy.
Just as breathtaking is the fact that we, dust of the Earth that we are, can know and reap the blessings of these truths. Our loving Father in Heaven speaks to us today through prophets so that we may know the truths necessary to our eternal salvation, progression and happiness. I am nothing short of amazed and grateful.
On a more personal note, my parents are wonderful. Sure, I disagree with them about some things (media preferences &c), I may roll my eyes at them from time to time (and sometimes may even be almost justified in it), but when it comes down to it, they are nothing short of amazing, admirable, spiritual, and loving people. They are parents I am glad and grateful to have. Their testimonies, their common sense, ability to teach and lead our family, and their love leaves me with a smile on my face, tears in my eyes, and a sappy warm feeling in my heart. I watch them handle the critical things, and find them not wanting, but excelling. In that- what I think the most necessary parental quality next only to love- I hope to emulate them. For that, I am grateful to them.

Isn't peace an interesting thing? I woke up this morning feeling anxious, and probably got to the point where I was suffering a mild panic attack. None of the things that caused me anxiety this morning have been resolved. Despite this, I feel peace- a quiet reassurance that everything will be alright and I need not worry so much, but trust in my Father.

All may not be right with the world, but I am at peace with it.

and my body lived happily ever after... but not yet

This is the essay I wrote to submit w/ my college applications. Since it deals w/ health, and whole host of other things which I either have addressed on this here blog, or would address, I figured that it may just be appropriate to stick the essay here. (btw, feedback is never a bad thing. *hint hint*)

I had my future all planned out when I was ten years old. I would graduate from high school with straight A’s and go on to the university my parents attended. I would graduate with honors, probably in “cat behaviorology”. I would then serve a mission for my church. Help troubled kitties. Get married. And maybe go on to cure cancer. I have since discovered that life rarely goes according to plan.

It was discovered in my eighth grade year that I struggled with both depression and anxiety. With the help of my mother, psychologist and medication, I learned how to assess my emotions and thoughts, to recognize those influenced by depression/anxiety, and slowly I was able to replace negative thought patterns with positive and healthy ones. I now consider my depression and anxiety to be under control. Neither bothers me frequently, and when one does I am able to recognize what is happening quickly and deal with it in an efficient and effective manner. As a result of this experience, I was able to relate to and help when people I knew struggle with mental illness.

It would seem that gaining an understanding of mental illness was not the only empathetic quality I was bound to develop. The spring of my sophomore year (2006) I began to be physically ill. I missed more and more school and extracurricular activities due to stomach pains, headaches, nausea, weakness, fatigue and other such vague but irritatingly interfering symptoms. My mother and I began to trot from doctor to doctor, trying to pin down a diagnosis. Multiple tests, scans, appointments and a few months later I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I was shocked. Pleased to have a diagnosis. Ecstatic that there was treatment. And comforted that all I endured was real and treatable- not just my imagination. I followed not quite, but almost, religiously my treatment routine, educated myself exhaustively on the functional disorder, and found my body back to nearly normal within the next few months (barring the occasional flare-up of symptoms).

I gained empathy for those suffering with chronic illness, for those who live with the fear that accompanies a “mystery diagnosis”, and for those whose lives consisted of medical appointments. I also developed a strong awareness of and gratitude for my health. I was more than ready to bounce back into challenging course loads at school, and busy days due to multiple extracurriculars. I was ready to move on, utilizing my new wisdom, and live my life just like all of the other over-achievers my age.

The spring of my junior year (2007) marked the beginning in a chronic change of health which made my experience the year prior seem a simple warm-up exercise. My IBS flared up. Medicine was adjusted and the IBS was placated. Left in its wake, however, were severe and frequent headaches which rendered me, once again, frequently absent from school and other activities. A few tests and many Excedrin later I was diagnosed with migraine headaches. Severe. Chronic. And really annoying. More difficulties ensued when I began to have difficulty keeping solid foods down. Suspected medications were eliminated, but did not result in an abatement of my symptoms. More tests were run. More doctors’ appointments. More medicines. It didn’t take long for me to realize that perhaps the Fates (or God) had in mind a different course for me than I had ever imagined or planned; and a few lessons to learn along the way.

I like to plan. I make lists. I get excited. It has been quite a shock to me to have my carefully formulated planning completely usurped. After my second round of illness (spring 2007), I decided that it might be a good idea to work on being more flexible. Since then, I have had to constantly readjust, reevaluate, and even sometimes abandon my plans due to illness. It’s stressful. It’s terrifying. It’s just plain annoying. Being forced to do this, though, has helped me to learn a critical lesson. I have learned to be humble and to trust in my Heavenly Father’s plan for me. I have had to surrender my desires, goals, and plans to His for me. It is an ongoing struggle to remember to do this and have faith. But it gets easier. I have seen seemingly impossible situations turn out not just fine, but wonderfully.

Another struggle has been restructuring how I measure my own self-worth. I used to be pleased with who I was and how I was doing in life based on my challenging course load and numerous extracurricular activities. The busier I was, and the more I accomplished, the better I felt about myself. Having developed a chronic illness, I can no longer maintain even a normal course load, and have had to drop most of my extracurriculars. I am so far from busy as to feel, at times, isolated from anything outside of my own home. This has been one of the hardest things about being sick for me. I love to be active, to challenge myself, and to help people. I have, out of necessity, been forced to learn that my value, or self-worth, is not based on what I have accomplished nor how busy I am, but rather, who I have become and who I am becoming.

My parents have instilled in me a strong sense of obligation to serve. Since my migraines began, I have constantly struggled to not “beat myself over the head” for not being able to serve as I would like. I do my best now to serve when and where I can as my body allows, but what I work to remember is that I am learning and growing a lot from this experience, and that when I have my health under control once more, I will be able to use that wisdom to help people in ways I would never have been able to without this trial.

Illness, in any form, is not by any stretch of the imagination pleasurable. My doctors and I continue to try and straighten out my health through trial, error, and brute determination. I continue to work on juggling life with health. Nonetheless, I would not trade my experiences with it.

I have been blessed in many ways which help me to keep going. I have received assistance from wonderful people ranging from health care providers to my everyday peers. My pharmacist, doctors and their nurses have gone above and beyond to help me out. The Disability Support Services staff at my community college has been a vital asset to any attempt I have made at school since my migraines began. Teachers have gone above the legal requirement of my Letters of Accommodation in being not only flexible but sympathetic and accessible. My high school counselor has been nothing short of amazing in the aid and direction he has provided me. My family, friends, and fellow church members have served me in countless ways, allowing me frequent reminders of the love given me which I have to be grateful for.

The most valuable blessing I have received from this trial, however, has been an increased ability to help others. What I have struggled with is by no means as disabling as what I have seen others struggle with, but it has given me a solid glimpse and firm understanding of what people with more troubling problems experience. My wish is that what I am learning now will allow me to someday render service similar to what I have received. Being able to do so would make all that I have endured valuable, precious, and ultimately- worth it.

thoughts for today

Exchange student left this morning. I'm going to miss him. It took about a week for him to integrate into our family, or rather, for him to feel comfortable enough to start teasing and being sarcastic. It was great. He chatted with Sister and I a couple of nights. Both were very fun conversations filled with all manner of remarks from insightful to inane. Now he's gone, however, and life is back to at least semi-normal. It's too bad. He was a good brother.

I think the new anti-emetic might be working. It's called Ondansetron (Zofran), and I was grateful that the insurance was willing to pay for it. Apparently it's expensive and they don't like to cover it unless you have cancer or have tried a bunch of anti-emetics already. I haven't been eating much, still, but I think it's still about the same as it has been for awhile now. Since the end of the holidays I have been eating less and less sweets- trying to avoid them, for the most part, and that seems to be very good for me. I think all this is why it's been over a week since I last threw up- yay!! Maybe it'll continue- that'd be nice-, but I have a suspicion that it won't. That might just be nerves talking, which may just result in a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Oh well, we'll wait and see....
Migraine medicine is less promising. We just upped my Verapamil from 120 2x/day to 120/morning and 240/night. I am still trying Zomig, and it seems like it works... sometimes. I don't know, it's hard to tell. I'll give it a couple more weeks to see. I think, though, that it works slightly better than the Amerge, but not as well as is ideal. There's one triptan left for me to try, and then I don't know what if we have to try more.... The doctor talked about prescribing Prednisone again to "break the cycle", but after hearing about how it made me anxious the last two times around decided not to (I think also because I was kind of wishy-washy on how well it worked). She said it was good that I'm doing yoga, and told me to do it 3x a week. This should help with my baseline tension-headaches. Sounds good to me.

I like yoga. I like how it stretches out my muscles. How it is relaxing and meditative. How it makes me more "aware" of my body. I like how it helps with my nausea, and even how it stimulates my digestive system (ie- relieves, somewhat, my constipation; though the resulting flatulence can be a bit embarrassing in class if I'm not careful). I think I even like how it is a bit cheesy and makes me laugh to myself as I think about things like happy babies, planks, cats, dogs, fire hydrants, corpses...

I'm working on discovering a study method that works for me. So far I've decided on two things. I need to minimize the amount of time I spend with my neck bent down (the sub-occipital trigger point gets to me), and I need to be aware of my mental status. If my thinking starts to get cloudy, then I should stop and do something that doesn't involve a lot of thinking, or rest, and then come back later. I won't get anywhere with cloudy thinking and it's better to just go and take care of it then to allow it to continue and frustrate me.
It's been difficult to get back into the swing of studying. I really quite have gotten out of it- starting last spring when I got sick. It's been eve more difficult to get back into the habit of studying and doing homework because I'm still sick. Hopefully I'll learn more about what works for me for studying, and develop some more self-discipline along the way (I'm smart enough to realise that I lack some). It's difficult, but I just have to remind myself to keep trying and learning and growing; and to not beat myself up too much when I struggle.

There was a fireside last Friday and Elder Bednar of the qourum of the twelve apostles came. It was an amazing fireside. He and Elder Merrill of the seventy conducted a Q&A fireside which turned out very well, despite most of us thinking he was a bit loony for trying to get us to ask him questions. I think my two favorite things about the fireside were when I asked him a question, and when he bore his testimony at the end. After I had asked my question and sat back down, he deferred to Elder Merrill to answer it, then answered it himself. I'd like to say that it is a very strange experience to have two people with such authority looking straight at you. That was something. Then, when he bore his testimony, it was interesting how when he said "I witness..." that he was using the word "witness" in a way that not many people can. Most of us use it as synonymous for things like "bear my testimony", "believe", and "know". The way Elder Bednar said it, one could tell that not only was he bearing witness of the gospel, but he himself is a witness. That was something. Amazing. The power and authority that backed his statements were quite evident. The leaders of this Church are called by our Father in Heaven. It's amazing.

here nor there? be here

Someone else to add to my gratitude list. This Friend is one of those people who drops me messages here and there, usually when I need them the most.
Friend just told me (via internet) to "lemme know how I can help you!". I began a reply and a couple paragraphs into it, realized it was going to be a bit long, but I liked where I was going, so decided to continue and that I would post it here when I was done. Here it is:

and... Thank you! It gets sucky when I have to spend more time at home, and then passing sucky when people doubt (the severity of) my illness, and thereby question my character. ([Friend] mentioned to me that "people are starting to talk"... that was pleasant (sarcasm), and somewhat diminished my looking-forward to seminary, and I miss that place!!)
I guess what it is is that some days, especially those when I feel above averagely unwell and miss out on things, I just feel like I'm becoming isolated from people that live even just 5 minutes away from me. I've gone from seeing most of the people I care about almost every day- even multiple times a day- to once or twice a week, if I'm feeling up to it. At a time when emotional support and connection with my friends is most needed, it had become the hardest to get. My parents are really stressed out, and so [Step-Dad] isn't always able to be as understanding as I would like him to be, and my Mom doesn't always have the energy to help me out when I'm scared, stressed, or just sick.
I've been slacking on the "basics"- things like scriptures and prayer- when I need to be devoting more time to them. I know there is a lot of strength to be gained from them, but sometimes I'm just too tired to get up the motivation for it. I think I do well at having heartfelt prayers, but I need to have them more than just once a day, and to give more time to them. Gospel study is especially important, especially with me not being able to go to seminary or institute most of the time- I have a deficit to make up for.
I remember talking to someone my freshman or early-sophmore year, (I can't recall who it was) and saying something to the effect that if I were ever to get sick, my friends wouldn't let me get isolated. I had somewhat of an idealistic image of people rallying around me, and going out of their way to be supportive.
I don't doubt in my friends' ability to do this, nor do I doubt their good intentions and love, but I must realize that my previous idea was unrealistic. I have to alter that idea- if I were to have a severe, acute problem (such as might land me in the hospital), I am confident that my friends and community (I speak of the church and family community- which are pretty much the same thing) would rally around me and my family and be amazingly supportive, helpful, and well-intentioned. I have seen them do such before for other people.
It's different, however, when one descends slowly into bad health. There is no message that makes its way around the community- "So-and-so is not doing well and needs some extra love!" There is no sudden resection from all facets of life. The resection is gradual, and by the time people realize what has happened, they have become accustomed to it. There is no internal burn to go aid the person, to reach out. With a chronic illness, the aid is continually needed, and people- despite their best intentions and truly good natures- burn out, get lazy, busy, or simply distracted.
The world moves on- rapidly, radically, constantly- as the chronic illness sufferer fights the pull of isolation. The threads that tie one to society begin fray, sometimes even snapping, and the person can be left more and more isolated as the world moves more and more forward.
I know there is a way to fight this impending isolation, but I'm not sure what it is. Sometimes I even doubt that I would even have the energy to fight. It's tempting to just sit back and let the threads snap.
Despite this, I have decided to not give in to the loneliness. I will pick the threads that matter most- my God, my family, my dear friends, and my future- and devote my energy to maintaining and strengthening those. Let the other, lesser threads to the world, to life, fray and snap. I may yearn- and even cry- for them, but I can survive- happily even- without them.
You want to know how you can help? What would mean the most to me would be helping me to not become isolated. I am afraid of it. I am afraid that it will happen, and I may not even be able to stop it. Call me when you're thinking of me. Invite me to do things- even if you know I probably can't. Keep me updated and informed on the things I miss. Drop me an email, or a message on facebook. Read my blog and leave a comment. Take pictures for me. Stick up for me. Stop by randomly- just to say hi and maybe even hang out. You're always welcome, and will always be recieved with gratitude (just don't have very high expectations on the state of the house ;D). Advise me, counsel me, listen to me, love me. Most of all- don't just "be there" for me, because I can't always be wherever "there" is. Please- be HERE for me.

puke n' plunge

I would like to say that vomiting, clogging up the toilet (honestly, I think it had problems before I came along), and then having to obtain a garbage can to go vomit in one's bedroom is passing unpleasant. But don't say- at least it can't get worse, because, oh man, it can. It's not too bad when it's just family- you just have to avoid the little sister who always asks too many questions about vomiting-, but when there's a guest, well, then comes the embarrasment factor. You have to plunge that toilet so other people can use the bathroom, but you're still vomiting, so you carry the garbage can with you to the bathroom and alternate between plunging and puke. It goes something like this:
Plunge, plunge, plunge. Stop! Puke, puke. Breath. Plunge, plunge, plunge. Stop! Gag, gag, gag, puke! (repeat)
Really, I think I have a new rap song in the making... (don't you think it's catchy?)
And then you come out of the bathroom with your garbage can and proceed quite quickly to your bedroom for some peace, while the exchange student looks at you in surprise.
No doubt Little Sister has told him what you're probably doing by now. And how often it happens. And she probably doesn't even have the sense or knowledge to explain it so that it doesn't sound like you're bulimic.
Great. Guess I'll have some damage control to do.

It's passing unpleasant, I tell you.

If it were further in the past than this morning, I'm quite positive I'd be laughing about it. Go ahead and laugh- you have my permission.

like two little old ladies

"Are ya hungry?"
"No."
"Oh well, you're not gonna get dinner, d'you want us to bring you back a burger?"
"No thanks. I'm fine."
"Y'sure?"
"Yeah."
"Well, okay... In case you get hungry, there's some Kibbles in the dog bowl, and treats in that basket over there," he points to the basket filled with pupperoni and pigs' ears. "And there's mashed potatoes in the fridge. They're a week old, but still good." Of course he would offer up the mashed potatoes- he's had them four times this week and is thoroughly sick of them!
"OK, I'll keep that in mind."
Enters Grandma.
"Are you cold?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Well, sometimes the house doesn't heat up very well. Especially at night, we always turn the fireplace on then."
"Grandma," Grandpa interrupts, "She's not cold."
"Well she might be." Granma turns to me, "Do you want me to turn the fireplace on?"
"I'm alright," I respond, smiling.
"Well, I'll go turn it on..."
"She's not cold, Sonya," Grandpa interjects.
"She might get cold."
"She's wearing a short-sleeved shirt and said she's not." He turns to me and says knowingly, "You don't get to decide when you get cold. Grandma decides."
Grandma turns back to me, "Do you want me to turn it on?"
I grin and tell her the truth, again- "I don't care."
"Just leave it off, Sonya."
"Well... alright," she concedes. Grandma walks to the pantry. "Are you hungry?" And she begins to list off the things I could eat.
"I'm fine. I'll find something. I'm really not very hungry."
"Well, this," She pulls out some concoction in a bag, "is really easy to cook, so you can have that if you get hungry."
I start laughing.
"She's not hungry, Sonya. Just leave her alone and let's go."
"Alright, Roger," she says and rolls her eyes. Before she leaves the room, a red stick pops in front of my face. "Do you like twizzlers?" I think, kind of, but not really, but don't say anything and opt for just shrugging while I laugh some more.
"She doesn't want it, Grandma. Leave the girl alone."
"Oh, alright." She rolls her eyes at Grandpa again, but the red thing disappears. "Well, I'm going to have one."
"Alright. Let's go." He turns to me. "Don't break the laptop. You break it you buy it. And if I find any viruses or porn on there, you're in trouble. Unless it's good porn, then I'll just copy it over to my favorites."
Grandma rolls her eyes again, but manages to give him a good deal of patience. "Come on, Roger, we've got to go."
It takes me a few minutes to stop laughing. I can't help but think that they are just like two little old ladies.

I love my grandparents.

we thank thee for this pumpkin pie and eggnog

What to write? I've no idea. I just feel like writing. Okay, so to begin then I suppose...

Thanksgiving yesterday was lovely. I was, I admit, worried that everyone wouldn't get along, or at the very least, that things would be kind of tense.
It wasn't. Everyone got along and by the time we'd all been there for an hour, I was sufficiently relaxed and not worrying. Yay happy goodness!

I got to see my friend Anne yesterday, and found myself wishing that I kept up on my sign language more. I don't think I am any worse than I was last I saw her (about a year ago), but I am no better, and that is the frustrating part. (The fact that I was w/out glasses becasue they broke a month ago was hindering me as well lol. Could you fingerspell that again while I remember to squint?)
Communication. It is at the base of everything.
Interactions between people: words, sentences, talking, writing, eye rolling, shoulder shrugging, arm crossing, hugging, kissing, smiling, frowning, standing close, standing apart, sitting, shuddering...
Interactions between animals: meowing, barking, squeaking, growling, rubbing, licking, "marking"...
And then, even between inanimate things-
gravity's pull, electromagnetism, our own body systems: negative and positive feedback loops, hormones, cellular transport-- DNA and RNA being at the base of it all, controlling how the body communicates inside of itself and with its external environment (I think of homeostasis)...
molecules! atoms! atomic particles...

• transmit information ;
• transmit thoughts or feelings;
• convey: transfer to another;
• join or connect;
• be in verbal contact; interchange information or ideas;
(from here)

All of these things interact with one another, are joined or connected, convey, transmit... Communication-in one form or another- is critically important to this world. It is the base of life and order. Without it, everything would fall to chaos.

I wish I could communicate better with Anne. I wish I could touch deeper subjects with her- ask her about being Deaf, about her family, about her work, about people... I wish I could get her opinions on these things. I am skilled enough with my ASL to be able to conversation and to relay necessary messages. I am nowhere near skilled enough with it to be able to become acquainted with someone intimately- as I wish I could with Anne.
I'll have to exercise my ASL more.

I used to- so much more than I do. I still sign words here and there when I talk. I still have signs pop up in my head instead of words. But I don't, as I used to, practice. I would sit there and practice signs in my head. I would have a thought- and think of how I could best convey that thought in ASL. I would sometimes sign it to myself. I would sign songs while I listened to them (I still do that one from time to time). I would have, what seemed to me, very proficient and in-depth conversations with myself in sign language. (Yes, feel free to laugh at me. I am.) I can be quite comfortable signing things out... when I'm alone or with people less than or equal to my signing ability. Isn't it interesting how being around someone more proficient than myself causes me to doubt myself just enough that I loose some of my proficiency? (or, we could replace for that last word: confidence.)
I should work on that. I think I could converse with a little more ease about much more than just movies and food if I could over that.

Also, on my mind, is my health. Well, more specifically, my nausea. (Those who have weak stomachs/low tolerance for more in depth body discussions, would do well to stop here. Skip over. I'll let you know if/when it's safe again.)
I am a bit picky about where and when I throw up. Mostly because, I suppose, I am a bit self-concious about the whole thing. I don't want people to hear me, and aside from my immediate family and very very closest friends, I don't want people to know I am throwing up. Yes, I discuss it with relative easy, but it's much easier said than done (in more ways than one, actually).
At home, my family can tell when I'm throwing up not because of the duration of my bathroom-bonding, but because I turn on the fan. I don't really care much for the fan- I hardly ever turn it on after I shower- but I find it highly useful to helping me to feel.... I don't. Secure? Enough to proceed with my vomiting.
I have, at times, vomited in garbages because I figured they afforded me more privacy.
At seminary. We all know those girls who spend more time than they should in the bathroom, primping themselves for the day (we have, most of us girls, probably been one of them a time or two)- skipping class. Well, I usually don't care, aside from to roll my eyes... but I would like to add that the bathrooms at the church building where I have seminary are kinda small. And I'm friends with some of those girls. And they're really nice, decent people. So if I go in and start vomiting, it's different than it would be even at school because they will be concerned enough to ask me, multiple times, if I'm okay. And they'll actually be concerned about it- not just "oh no, someone's throwing up" but "oh no! cassanndre's sick! i hope she's okay..." I honestly, do not like the attention. (Even aside from the fact that I hope they're not all secretly wondering if I'm bulimic...)
Becuase of that, I have a new routine for when I have to vomit at seminary. I walk all the way around to the opposite side of the building- to the foyer where no one is. Then, grabbing the little garbage can from that foyer, I head outside- grab a twig to keep the door from closing all the way, set my garbage can down off to the side of the door (where passing people will be less likely to see me) and then proceed to doing my business. Bring the garbage can back in, go to the bathroom and wash my hands, go back to class.
Throwing up without worrying about anyone hearing me. Yay.
Except for the one time that were two friends of mine in that foyer. That was uncomfortable. They looked at me funny, asked if I was okay (I thought- wow! I actually look how I feel for once, apparently.), looked at me funny again as I grabbed my garbage can, explained I was going to go throw up and I'd be back (if the nausea had been any amount less, I would have turned around and just tolerated it until I got another chance later to throw up). That was fun. Thankfully, they had the good grace enough to not say much when I came back. I laughed a bit and joked about how I hoped that no one thought I was bulimic or anything- I just have health problems. (Yes, that's my way to make sure no one thinks I have an eating disorder.) I then went back to class. That was that.
Public places... I go to throw up in the school bathroom, but dangit, there's always a bunch of girls in there, so I either have to temper my throwing up (which leaves me still nauseous and with more coming later, undoubtedly) so they won't hear me, or wait until they vacate the place, or just go on with it as I would, hoping for enough toilet flushes, hand washing, and paper towel dispensing form them all that they won't hear me too much.
Being in public places with friends... ha. I remember coming out of a movie a couple times having to throw up. Excused myself to use the restroom (got someone to hold my purse for me once), and spent my fair time in there- grateful to friends who waited for me. Coming out, I'm sure I didn't look well- in fact, I even got the sympathetic look (more on that later, perhaps) from those who know me well enough to realize that I was probably throwing up. Some quiet are you okay?s came from those people as well. The funniest, though, I have to say, was when Derek was joking afterwards and asked if I had to throw up or something. I was taken aback, and still am not sure if he knew he was right, but I responded as nonchalantly as I could, "actually I was". Silence. Change of subject. I laughed inwardly.

(Okay, weak of stomach, 'tis safe again.)
The sympathetic look. Even though I don't like the attention being drawn to me while I'm not feeling well, I do really really appreciate my friends' concern. I appreciate it when I've told them that I'd be okay- go have fun- and they did. I appreciated it when one dear friend out of them all would stay behind with me and just sit with me, talk to me, while the rest of them went off as I wished they would. I appreciated it when, after having some more fun, the rest of my friends came back a bit earlier than normal so they could check on me, and decided to leave a bit earlier than normal on my account- but let me think that it was because they all got tired just a bit early. I appreciate the friend who I can call up when I feel like crap, and who will just talk to me about anything to distract me. I appreciate the friend who recognizes when I am really really not feeling well and makes sure to let me know I am cared about- without drawing everyone else's attention to me. I appreciate those who can tell, in one second, what everyone else can't. I appreciate those who respect me and understand when I don't want extra attention, and when I both want and need it, give it (sometimes without even being asked). I appreciate those who keep in touch. Who call me and invite me to hang out or go do something, even when they know I may not be able to, but make the effort just the same- reminding me that they still want me around. I appreciate those who are willing to just hang out at my house (or sometimes theirs) instead of doing something more- because they know that I'm too worn out. I appreciate those who ask me what I need from them, and then try to do it. I appreciate those who help me to remember that it'll all be okay, that I have the ability to endure it all and come out the better for it. Those who understand that I have to miss out on things, and rearrange things, and don't judge me for it. I appreciate those who listen to me complain and vent, and then help me to find my optimistic outlook again.

I appreciate this opportunity to see just how wonderful my friends are.