to my future children

I watched a blog video clip from this strong woman (go to her blog, and if you can donate, please do).  It was from the beginning of the year and I just closed out of the page and it would take me awhile to find it again, and it was even on a different blog of hers.  Anyways, in her video clip, the woman speaks to her future children about her anorexia.  She talks about how she loves her anorexia (she talks about this a lot in her blog, too), but how she loves them more, and she wants to beat the anorexia so she can give birth to them and be a good mother to them.  This touched me, and I just felt I had to share my feelings about it.  I pray that I will say what needs to be said, and know to leave out what is not appropriate or kosher to share with the entire web.
Most of my friends and family know I was in love and engaged 2 years ago.  I'm not really shy about sharing this- just as, once asked, I'm not really shy about sharing most things in my life (or mind).  Ironic, considering I was so shy, I used to hide behind my dad's leg when I was little.  Anyways, during my engagement- particularly the beginning (while, imo, it was still pretty healthy and right)- I felt very close to God.  And I felt very close to angels.  And I loved my children.  Not that I have any yet, but I knew I would.  And I felt so close to them.  When we broke up, I felt like I lost them, and in some ways, that was even harder than breaking up.  Because I already loved them.  Somehow, loving them helped me get through that difficult, insane, confusing, upside-down, life-spinning-out-of-control time of my life.
Fast forward to today.  I feel sane, and happy.  Sometimes I really miss feeling close to my children.  I like who I am.  I honestly continue to struggle with being happy with where I am in life (my mind tells me, do more, be more), but I know God loves me, and frankly, I love me, too.  And lately I've had a lot of people tell me they love me, too.  It's weird and often unexpected, but I totally appreciate it.
Anyways...

To my future children
I don't know who you are yet, but I love you.  I don't have a family or a home for you yet (kinda need a husband for that), but I'm excited to have you come.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Thank you for being the wonderful spirits you are.  Loving you motivates me to do hard things.  I hope I can live healthily, so I can teach you how to be healthy.  I hope I live close to Christ so I can teach you to expect His influence in your lives daily.  I hope, despite my weaknesses,  that you never question my commitment to the Kingdom of God.  I hope you always know I love you.  I hope I can teach you what it means to be emotionally healthy- just as my mother, and her mother, have taught me.  I hope you love Heavenly Father, never doubt your divinity, and trust in His Plan.  And lastly, I hope you know how grateful I am for you.


Thank you, Camilla, The Night Baker, for sharing your story.

what is beauty?

I follow The Weed, a blog by an awesome LDS fellow.  On this blog he talks about a lot of things, but most often he talks about his crazy but super awesome girls.  His most recent post was titled "Viva Fashionista". It is all about his 4-year-old daughter who has already developed a ridiculous talent for fashion.  This post led to a discussion of how to help girls separate their sense of self-worth from their physical appearance.  One person's comment revealed that she was told by everyone she was fat while growing up, but upon growing up and looking back in pictures, she has since realized that she really wasn't.  This got me thinking about a personal experience.

I think these pictures are beautiful, so you all get to look at them

I have struggled to be within normal weight limits since elementary school.  I didn't really realize I was overweight till probably middle school.  I don't think I was really very self-conscious about it till partway through high school.  A couple of years ago I had a friend tell me, "maybe if you weighed less, [more] guys would be interested in you."  What they said at that time didn't really weigh on me, but it stuck on my mind.  A couple months later, after a rough break-up (with a rather great guy, I'd like to note, lest his name be unduly defamed), I couldn't seem to get that thought out of my mind.  It shadowed me all of last year.  I lost some good number of pounds in the past 2 years, and began going on more dates this year.  Like, a lot more dates.  And I made a lot of new wonderful guy friends.  I was truly enjoying the new friendships and the fun experiences, but I couldn't the thought out of my mind, what if I have this surge of guys interested in spending time with me because I weigh less now?  My logical brain (as opposed to the emotional one) figured that most likely wasn't the case.  There is certainly evidence to indicate that my personality and outgoing-ness have changed, and as we all have been told at one time or another, it's all about your attitude.  But how true is that?
For the sake of our case study, let's examine my change in attitude.  It has consisted of being a lot more positive, a let less anxious, and a lot more self-confident.  It has come from doing things I've never done before, gaining new perspectives from in-depth conversations with others, and being very very blessed by my Heavenly Father.  I figure a lot of this is par for the course as one matures.
So that's the logical alternative- my attitude has changed, and so my relationships and opportunities have changed.  But I still had nagging in my mind, it's because I lost weight.
I'd like to tell you, something funny happens when you start a job which involves a lot of typing, and stop exercising regularly.  And don't change your diet.  You gain weight (unless you're one of those freaks with crazy-good metabolism... wait 20 years, my friends, that will likely change).  This summer I've gained back a fair amount of that weight I lost.  I don't know anyone but me has noticed it (I think not, judging based on the lack of comments from the people who live with me-- the only ones whom society might deem it appropriate to comment on weight gain lol).  I was griping about this set-back to myself recently, when I saw a silver lining.  You see, as I have continued to gain weight, I have also continued to go on dates and make new guy friends.  I weigh almost as much as I did when my friend made that very unkind comment 2 years ago.
What does this mean?  This means that my friend was absolutely wrong.  Whether people are interested in you or not, really doesn't depend as much on weight as we tend to think it does.
And you know what?  I am now grateful that I have gained this weight back, for if I hadn't, I would still be wondering.
I will add an addendum here, however-- I am still looking forward to losing weight when I have a regular routine with school again, and will be able to schedule regular exercise.  But I am coming to see weight less through the goggles of "do I look good?" and more through the goggles of, "am I healthy?".  That is the way I believe we all ought to look at our weight.

I would like to conclude with some quotes from President Gordon B. Hinckley,

I look upon my dear wife, soon to be 92 years of age. Her hair is white; her frame is stooped. I take one of her hands in mine and look at it. Once it was so beautiful, the flesh firm and clear. Now it is wrinkled and a little bony and not very strong. But it speaks of love and constancy and faith, of hard work through the years. Her memory is not what it once was. She can remember things that happened half a century ago but may not remember what happened half an hour ago. I am like that, too. But I am so grateful for her. For 66 years we have walked together, hand in hand, with love and encouragement, with appreciation and respect. It cannot be very long before one of us will step through the  veil. I hope the other will follow soon. I just would not know how to get along with her, even on the other side, and I would hope that she would not know how to get along without me.   

My dear [sisters], whatever your circumstances, wherever  you may live, may the windows of heaven be opened and blessings come down upon you. May you live with love one for another. May you reach down to lift up those whose burdens are heavy. May you bring light and beauty to the world and particularly into your homes and into the lives of your children.... Walk with pride. Hold your heads up. Work with diligence. Do whatever the Church asks you to do. Pray with faith. You may never know how much good you accomplish. Someone's life will be blessed by your effort. May you know the comforting, rewarding embrace of the Holy Spirit, I pray in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.  

--From "To the Women of the Church", Ensign Nov 2003.

 And lastly, I'd like to share this thought.  It may seem somewhat out of place, taken from its native speech, but I think one can strain from it an idea of true beauty, and the joyous beauty to be found in one's character.

I [have] looked into the eyes of beautiful women- women of virtue and strength and capacity, older women who knew much of struggle and disappointment and pain, young women who knew much of purpose and goodness and art and learning. I [have] looked into the eyes of children- beautiful and innocent and wonderful. 

--From "Rise to the Stature of the Divine within You", General Conference Oct 1989

And because I like pictures, here's a collage of some of my lovely friends and family-- it was soo hard to narrow it down, and I didn't even hunt for pictures more than a minute!  (Yes, there are a couple of men in these pictures... please don't get confused.)

And here are some lovely ladies whom I have had the privilege to find in front of my camera when I was feeling artsy...

it always works out at the temple

so today, I decided i was going to go do baptisms before work.  this isn't too hard, since the temple is 30 minutes away from my house, and 10 minutes away from my work.  i left a little later than planned, but figured it wasn't a big deal.  well, last week the seattle temple declared itself open to walk-in baptisms for the summer. for the first time ever, as far as i know.  apparently they've had  favorable response (one sister told me they had 100 people come in the other day).  so, when i got there, the baptistry was by no means swamped, but it was a little backed up.  i was a little nervous about getting done in time for work.  since the temple is sacred and we're not supposed to worried about time or anything.... and i'm a little shy at times... i didn't want to interrupt anyone and ask if i could be placed ahead in line.  i just kinda didn't feel comfortable asking about it.  i prayed, though, "please help me to get done in time for work!" and decided to trust Heavenly Father to take care of me.  i was a bit anxious, but not terribly so.  one of the sisters working in the baptistry today came and sat by me.  we chatted quietly for a moment and the conversation turned to what i do and i mentioned that i am working today.  she asked if i was going to get there on time and i might have looked just a little nervous when i replied "i hope so!" with a smile.  she figured she was inspired to sit next to me and find that out, and went over to the brethren in charge and asked if i could be bumped to the head of the line.  they asked the sisters in front of me who all agreed without hesitation, and so it all worked out.  everyone was so kind, easygoing, and accomodating.  i love that about the temple.  i ended up walking into work perhaps 1 or 2 minutes early.  it was awesome.
my stake president once mentioned that anythign in the temple that could go wrong, or seems to be tricky to figure out, or whatever- always seems to work out.  i absolutely agree.
my experience today reminded me that Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers.  and sometimes He even helps me out quickly. and He's even willing to help when my problem could have been solved by planning better and arriving a little earlier.... He took care of me today.  it was a nice reminder.
He doesn't always answer prayers quickly, but He does always answer them.  it's important to remember that.

A note to non-Mormons: you may be wondering what the heck I am talking about.  so, as members of Christ's church, we have the opportunity to help those who passed away without receiving the gospel, to get baptised. we stand in as proxies for those who have died, and are then baptized on their behalves. this work, baptisms for the dead (among other services), is performed in our temples. if you'd like to know more, please see the mormon.org articles on family history and Christ's church. see also 1 corinthians 15:29, 1 peter 4:6, malachi 4:5-6, and john 5:25.  and lastly, see lds.org's gospel topics information on baptisms for the dead. and feel free to ask me anything!

here are a few pictures of baptistries in different temples. couldn't find any of seattle, but the general design is always the same- after that of the baptismal font in solomon's temple.  (see 2 chronicles 4:2-5, and 1 kings 7:23-26)


photo from here


photo from here. this is in the rexburg, id temple. i have spent many hours there. it's beautiful, and i love it there.

photo from a fox 17 slideshow, with multiple photos of the kyiv, ukraine temple. very cool. check it out.

 
both photos from here. the one on the L is most like the seattle temple. plus, you can actually see the oxen in this photo (they are hard to see in the others!)

sometimes i like to drive in circles...

Usually, I end up driving in circles because I've gotten lost. I'm proud to say, however, that since I've gotten lost so many times, I actually have a decent sense of direction now (if not a decent sense of distance). So yesterday I was scheduled to work, but had to get there a few hours early to take care of something. I had a couple hours to chill before my shift started and so went to Fred Meyer, and then decided to take a different way back to the hospital. Now, Fred Meyer is relatively close to Swedish Hospital (the red SH on the map above), but somehow I went further than i expected, took the really really long way back. I was pretty chill for the first 10-20 minutes- it was an adventure, after all! In the back of my brain I had a sense of where the hospital was relative to me, but I was on this road that just didn't end! And it had nothing come off of it except private driveways. Eventually I found myself in Fall City (thinking, wow, that's an actual city? i thought it was just part of a street name...), and saw a sign saying I-90 this way. That was good, because I knew I-90 would take me back to the hospital. Now, for those of you who don't know, Fall City on this map is on the upper R hand corner, where my blue line lies near hwy 202. Here I am thinking that I-90 is just around the corner. It's a windy road, so I spent the next 15 minutes thinking maybe I-90 is right around the next corner. It wasn't. However, I did see a number of places I'd either like to hike, camp, or take pictures (somewhere along Preston-Fall City Rd there is what appears to be an abandoned mine... oh boy- how picturesque!). So, nice drive, but it was getting late and I'd been driving for 30 minutes and had 45 till work started. I was just about to turn back, when finally I started seeing more houses and less trees. I found I-90 about 5 minutes later, and hopped on it going west (because I had a vague sense that Preston and Fall City are east of Issaquah... I'm rather glad I had this sense, because without I may well be in Spokane by now), and found my way back to work. Yay!
And then I looked up on google the route I took and laughed, because I totally went in a big circle.

What life lessons can we learn here?
Keep going... I-90 is right around the next curve! Well, there's actually a few curves to go around first...

squashberry muffins

So, I'm easing into a new diet. A migraine diet, (as found in a chapter in this book, recommended to me by a nutritionist). The idea of this diet is essentially, a bunch of things I can eat without worrying that they will cause a migraine. Yes, it's pretty much an elimination diet (which I have heretofore refused to do), but honeslty, I haven't really felt that way about it. It's a no-worry diet. (Here's a list of some things I am to avoid.) So, I'm learning how to cook new things and eat things I've either never really liked or never even heard of. No red apples- only green? Oh, I guess the green ones can taste good. Oh, and quinoa is amazing. One of my new favorites and is now one of my staples :)
So anyways... along with this, I was looking for a nice recipe for zucchini bread, with none of those migraine ingredients. I found one, and adapted it per my preferences and supplies. Below is my recipe (yes, I am now officially one of those Mormons who shares recipes on their blogs... never thought I would join that prestigious circle). I made two loaves of bread, and 9 mini muffins. I ate most of the muffins relatively immediately, but did pause to take some pictures. oh, and they are delicious.

3 eggs (omega-3 fortified) 1 cup canola oil 2 cups demerara cane sugar (it's this beautiful thing from guyana) 2 cups squash (grated and drained). i used zucchini and a couple of other similarly shaped squashes (yellow and stripey green). dunno their names. 3 tsps vanilla 3 cups wheat flour 1 tsp salt 1 tsp baking soda 3 tsps cinnamon 1 tsp baking powder 2-3 cups fresh blueberries 1 beat eggs till foamy 2 add oil,sugar,zucchini,and vanilla 3 mix lightly 4 sift dry ingredients together and gradually add to egg mixture 5 blend well 6 add blueberries and fold into batter 7 pour into a loaf pan and bake at 350 dgrees for 45 minutes (about 12 minutes for mini muffins) 8 check at 30 minutes to prevent burning