much ado about doing something

I did things this morning.
I woke up at 5a, showered, and got ready. That in itself is amazing.
I went to seminary. Smiled big. Chatted. Wished a friend Happy Birthday. Talked with a teacher-person about graduating from seminary. Listened to the lesson. Joked around with friends. Bumbled out an answer to question. Chatted some more on the way to the high school. I then stopped by the Special Ed department to ask Head Teacher Lady if she'd be willing to write letters of recommendation for me for my college applications. I then hung out for about an hour and a half. It was really nice. I always forget how much I miss the place, the people, and the humor. I started to get a bit lightheaded and nauseous, so decided it was time to go home. I walked home, and here I am.
I think I'll go take a nap or something- I'm tired.
Then back to applications. And I have a lot of homework to catch up on.
But I went to seminary! And I even stopped by the school! Twice in one week!
I might be getting better...
But I'm not going to percolate that thought much. I cycle- feeling goodish, then not-so-goodish... this could just be part of the cycle and I'll go back to really-not-so-goodish.
I should enjoy it while it lasts. :)

grumble grumble whine whine

College applications are long and tedious.
And I should have started this one a couple weeks before I did.
Ugh.
And now- essays. At least they don't have to be too long... but that's kind of annoying, too, because I have to condense a lot of what I say. Anyone who knows me at all knows that is kind of a challenge for me.... :-/
Maybe I'll take a break...
Or not.
I'm not sure yet.
grumble grumble necessary evils grumble grumble

people need blessings

You know what? People need blessings. I should let them help me more.
I tend to balk at recieving a lot of special treatment or anything. I like attention just as much as the next person, but I don't like lots of it. (It makes me uncomfortable and a bit embarrassed. I'm kind of glad that I feel this way, because I think it's much better than craving attention and having a large ego. I guess it reassures me about my character or something.) For the most part, I don't like having people worry a lot about me. Mostly family, I suppose. I'm not private with my life, but I don't like to make a big deal out of things.
I need help, and am very grateful for the help that people have offered me. I do, however, decline most offers of aid. Perhaps it's because I like to be independent, or maybe just that I have a hard time accepting help? I don't know. It doesn't matter so much why, I guess. I'm starting to think, however, that it might be better if I took people up on their offers more often. Not just for my sake, but for theirs. People need blessings, and it's a well-known fact that service results in wonderful blessings for every party involved. If I don't allow people to help me, it's possible that I am depriving them of blessings.
I can serve by accepting service?
It's food for thought.

ridiculous

This is just funny. Really. Don't forget to hover over the picture for the alt text or whatever it's called (you'll have to right click to page source to read the whole thing if you're using mozilla).
I don't know why I thought it was so outstandingly amusing. I just did. Maybe it's just 'cuz the thing is completely ridiculous. What can I say? I'm a sucker for ridiculousness.
Speaking of which...
Does it say something about my mental state, or Bill's, that I very nearly believed this? I think it's a bit of both.
Nonetheless...
Warm double-clasp!

Addendum: This part two is also rather funny.

a prayer for Kenya

It’s absolutely horrific. Satanic. Chaos.

Evil exists in this world, and it can be seen clearly in recent pictures from Kenya. Insight Kenya is well stocked with many pictures of the horror occurring. As I look through the pictures, I think more and more. These aren’t just pictures. These are moments of real peoples’ lives. People like you and me who trusted in the democratic process. People with families, hobbies, loves, burdens… It looks to me like Kenyans are all connected now by hate, whether it be the effects of others’ hate, or their own.

I don’t much understand politics. I have no passion for studying it, and I don’t grasp it easily. Politics’ often self-contradictory and ambiguous nature confuses me. I won’t pretend I do understand it. Nor will I pretend to understand the intricacies of Kenyan politics.

There are some things, however, which are easy to comprehend (even if they are not easy to accept).

Tension. Disagreement. Accusations. Cheating. Hate. Selfishness. Collapsed. Terror. Subdued. Crippled. Degradation. Cruelty. Evil.

These are the tragedies which have taken Kenya- and its people- hostage.

It is not only Kenya that suffers- or will suffer, however. Evil is found everywhere. The roots for this sort of situation, this barbarous brand of behavior, lie all around us, all over this world.

Kenya must be helped. Its people deserve better just by their very existence.

This evil must be prevented from invading more peoples’ lives. It must be stopped- eradicated.

It’s horrible- beyond description. No amount of searching a thesaurus would supply me with words to describe what I have only read and seen in pictures. It is wrong, base, unforgivable, and evil. It makes me cry.

But what can I do? How insignificant I am compared to all this!

For now, I will pray. I will pray for Kenya to rise triumphant out of this mess. For peace to be restored, differences bridged, and leaders who care for the people given power to care for their people. I pray for those injured, that somehow, despite all that has happened and may yet happen, they will find peace. That they will be able to continue their lives- doing more than just “moving on”, but integrating this experience so as to change themselves, and their country, for the better. Most of all, I pray that Kenya will overcome, and bring hope to the rest of the world that it is possible to triumph over the evil that threatens every one of us.

some Kenya blogs and whatnot I have come across and found informative- Insight Kenya, Kenyan Pundit, Thinkersroom, Kenya and Africa, Funua, Ushahidi. Articles/news reports are easy enough to find via newspapers, google, and these blogs themselves, so I’ll leave such finding up to you.

genesis of a blog

"Ich" is German for "me"- this was on google chat and my gmail is set in German (left over from Deutscheklasse for practice).

Ian: Do you like to Blog?

Ich: er, yes, why?

Ian: well I'm working on starting an LDS Blog

Ich: how so?

and does elder ballard have anything to do w/ it?

Ian: put stuff about the church and what not

alittle

Ich: sounds like a good idea

Ian: wellI can add you as an author, I haven't done anything with it yet

Ich: if you want to, sure

are you doing it on blogger?

Ian: yea I already have a site thing

brb

ok I'm back

Ich: brb- g2 switch some laundry :P

oh, not dry :(

so... when did this lds blog idea happen?

Ian: I didn't do it!

Ich: i don't know if i beleive you...

Ian: it's already happening

the main thought for me about it is this...

I'd rather people hear about it from the people who live it than Joe Smoe

Ich: lol, very true

Ian: so anyone else LDS up there is welcome to join in as authors

I don't know what to write about on it but at least it's a start for now

Ich: hmm... you start by writing what your goals for it are- how you envision it being used by authors and readers- and why

and i'll definately talk to ppl up here about it :)

Ian: I just plan on mainly doing the web stuff

Ich: haha, well since you started it you should say something- first post wise. :) but, you're not much into the idea of writing yourself?

Ian: well I plan on starting it with that hear it from us sort of thing

So, a new blog is begun. Here is the link to what Elder Ballard said. Noteworthy excerpts:

“We cannot stand on the sidelines while others, including our critics, attempt to define what the Church teaches,”

“...all conversations have an impact on those who participate in them. Perceptions of the Church are established one conversation at a time.”

He said students should consider sharing their views on blogs, responding to online news reports and using the “new media” in other ways.

Even better, here's the video!!

I think this blog is a really good idea, and I feel privileged to be a part of it. However, it's kinda scary- what would I write about? How would I say it? The fact that people- who don't know me and probably never will- will be reading what I write about my church, that their perspectives on the Church could be swayed by what I (and the other blog authors that will invariably come) write... it's humbling. And a good bit scary, as well. However, I can't help but think that it's a good thing, and I think I may even be right about that.
So, here is the link to the blog. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Makes it sound official or something. Scary.
I hope I prove to be a worthwhile contributer to it.

something old, new, and blue

okay, maybe just new. i'm giving wordpress a try. just for the heck of it. cassadae.wordpress.com . if i stop posting here, that's where i've gone. :)

...worth it...

I wish I could put something insightful here. I feel like writing. I just don't know what to write about- while still having it mean something.
I've been thinking about "the future". 1) Where I'm going for school next year- tho I will probably stay home and finish off my AA. 2) If I will still be sick or not, and if (at least mostly) not, 3) Where I will work. I've been thinking I'd like to get trained as a CNA and find some sort of job as one (hopefully not in a nursing home- those places just kinda give me the heebie-jeebies), but I just recently started thinking about being a paraeducater. I think I would like being a para-ed, since that's almost what I was when I volunteered a lot in the spec. ed department last year. I have over 200 hours volunteering there, I think, and the teachers love me, so I think it wouldn't be too difficult to get a job as a para-ed for spec. ed at the local school district. Getting trained as an EMT is also an idea- one my step-dad finds particularly good (partly because he's currently being trained as one for his work in emergency management). I would like, possibly even love it. It would be great. However, getting trained to be an EMT is a lot more intensive and expensive than CNA training and passing the para-ed test combined. It would be great, but might be worth it putting off until I wouldn't have to worry so much about the cost.
We'll see how it all turns out. Heavenly Father will take care of me. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and also that trials are for my benefit. I can learn a lot from being sick, so I'd better take advantage of the opportunity. I guess that's the idea, for me, behind blogging. Sorting out what's going, what I think and feel about it, and- most importantly- what I can learn from it.
There are a lot of things I could complain about, but in the long run, complaining won't get me anywhere. That pretty much means I can't justify complaining. Dangit. (I'll probably still try and get away with it, though.)
So, what have I learned so far?
A good deal about health care, medicine, and my own body. I've learned what it's like to have people doubt your intentions. I've seen how wonderfully kind/compassionate/caring people can be, and thusly had wonderful experiences that I really wouldn't trade for anything. I've come to understand, at least a bit, how scary it is to be isolated from one's community. I'm learning how to take things as they come; to not try and micromanage every aspect of my life; to trust that Father has a plan for me. I'm learning about how to rely on other people for some things, and from that I hope to learn how to be reliable for others. I'm learning compassion and empathy. I've learned what it's like to have hopes dashed, plans changed. I'm learning a new system to evaluate a person's "worth". I'm learning to value the moment, and milk it for all I can- especially if it's a moment when I feel (comparatively) well. I'm learning how to be a realist, while still maintaining optimism. I'm learning how to smile when I feel like crap.
I'll come out of this a better person. The time that I can't serve or help others now will be more than made up for when I am well again and can use my new arsenal of knowledge to help people in ways I couldn't have without that "wealth of wisdom". Remembering that helps me, especially when I start to beat myself up about the things I'm not doing (can't do).
I just have to remember the thing that matters most about being sick- if this experience enables me to help/serve even one person, it will be worth it.

thoughts for today

Exchange student left this morning. I'm going to miss him. It took about a week for him to integrate into our family, or rather, for him to feel comfortable enough to start teasing and being sarcastic. It was great. He chatted with Sister and I a couple of nights. Both were very fun conversations filled with all manner of remarks from insightful to inane. Now he's gone, however, and life is back to at least semi-normal. It's too bad. He was a good brother.

I think the new anti-emetic might be working. It's called Ondansetron (Zofran), and I was grateful that the insurance was willing to pay for it. Apparently it's expensive and they don't like to cover it unless you have cancer or have tried a bunch of anti-emetics already. I haven't been eating much, still, but I think it's still about the same as it has been for awhile now. Since the end of the holidays I have been eating less and less sweets- trying to avoid them, for the most part, and that seems to be very good for me. I think all this is why it's been over a week since I last threw up- yay!! Maybe it'll continue- that'd be nice-, but I have a suspicion that it won't. That might just be nerves talking, which may just result in a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. Oh well, we'll wait and see....
Migraine medicine is less promising. We just upped my Verapamil from 120 2x/day to 120/morning and 240/night. I am still trying Zomig, and it seems like it works... sometimes. I don't know, it's hard to tell. I'll give it a couple more weeks to see. I think, though, that it works slightly better than the Amerge, but not as well as is ideal. There's one triptan left for me to try, and then I don't know what if we have to try more.... The doctor talked about prescribing Prednisone again to "break the cycle", but after hearing about how it made me anxious the last two times around decided not to (I think also because I was kind of wishy-washy on how well it worked). She said it was good that I'm doing yoga, and told me to do it 3x a week. This should help with my baseline tension-headaches. Sounds good to me.

I like yoga. I like how it stretches out my muscles. How it is relaxing and meditative. How it makes me more "aware" of my body. I like how it helps with my nausea, and even how it stimulates my digestive system (ie- relieves, somewhat, my constipation; though the resulting flatulence can be a bit embarrassing in class if I'm not careful). I think I even like how it is a bit cheesy and makes me laugh to myself as I think about things like happy babies, planks, cats, dogs, fire hydrants, corpses...

I'm working on discovering a study method that works for me. So far I've decided on two things. I need to minimize the amount of time I spend with my neck bent down (the sub-occipital trigger point gets to me), and I need to be aware of my mental status. If my thinking starts to get cloudy, then I should stop and do something that doesn't involve a lot of thinking, or rest, and then come back later. I won't get anywhere with cloudy thinking and it's better to just go and take care of it then to allow it to continue and frustrate me.
It's been difficult to get back into the swing of studying. I really quite have gotten out of it- starting last spring when I got sick. It's been eve more difficult to get back into the habit of studying and doing homework because I'm still sick. Hopefully I'll learn more about what works for me for studying, and develop some more self-discipline along the way (I'm smart enough to realise that I lack some). It's difficult, but I just have to remind myself to keep trying and learning and growing; and to not beat myself up too much when I struggle.

There was a fireside last Friday and Elder Bednar of the qourum of the twelve apostles came. It was an amazing fireside. He and Elder Merrill of the seventy conducted a Q&A fireside which turned out very well, despite most of us thinking he was a bit loony for trying to get us to ask him questions. I think my two favorite things about the fireside were when I asked him a question, and when he bore his testimony at the end. After I had asked my question and sat back down, he deferred to Elder Merrill to answer it, then answered it himself. I'd like to say that it is a very strange experience to have two people with such authority looking straight at you. That was something. Then, when he bore his testimony, it was interesting how when he said "I witness..." that he was using the word "witness" in a way that not many people can. Most of us use it as synonymous for things like "bear my testimony", "believe", and "know". The way Elder Bednar said it, one could tell that not only was he bearing witness of the gospel, but he himself is a witness. That was something. Amazing. The power and authority that backed his statements were quite evident. The leaders of this Church are called by our Father in Heaven. It's amazing.

In the interest of not having my blog seem constantly at least somewhat depressing, I would like to note that church was lovely today. I felt a peace creep back into me, and was grateful for it. I think I was able to comfort one of "my girls", and felt love for the girls in our Young Women's organization. I watched our exchange student during sacrament meeting, and he seemed to at least not be afraid or even disliking it all.

here nor there? be here

Someone else to add to my gratitude list. This Friend is one of those people who drops me messages here and there, usually when I need them the most.
Friend just told me (via internet) to "lemme know how I can help you!". I began a reply and a couple paragraphs into it, realized it was going to be a bit long, but I liked where I was going, so decided to continue and that I would post it here when I was done. Here it is:

and... Thank you! It gets sucky when I have to spend more time at home, and then passing sucky when people doubt (the severity of) my illness, and thereby question my character. ([Friend] mentioned to me that "people are starting to talk"... that was pleasant (sarcasm), and somewhat diminished my looking-forward to seminary, and I miss that place!!)
I guess what it is is that some days, especially those when I feel above averagely unwell and miss out on things, I just feel like I'm becoming isolated from people that live even just 5 minutes away from me. I've gone from seeing most of the people I care about almost every day- even multiple times a day- to once or twice a week, if I'm feeling up to it. At a time when emotional support and connection with my friends is most needed, it had become the hardest to get. My parents are really stressed out, and so [Step-Dad] isn't always able to be as understanding as I would like him to be, and my Mom doesn't always have the energy to help me out when I'm scared, stressed, or just sick.
I've been slacking on the "basics"- things like scriptures and prayer- when I need to be devoting more time to them. I know there is a lot of strength to be gained from them, but sometimes I'm just too tired to get up the motivation for it. I think I do well at having heartfelt prayers, but I need to have them more than just once a day, and to give more time to them. Gospel study is especially important, especially with me not being able to go to seminary or institute most of the time- I have a deficit to make up for.
I remember talking to someone my freshman or early-sophmore year, (I can't recall who it was) and saying something to the effect that if I were ever to get sick, my friends wouldn't let me get isolated. I had somewhat of an idealistic image of people rallying around me, and going out of their way to be supportive.
I don't doubt in my friends' ability to do this, nor do I doubt their good intentions and love, but I must realize that my previous idea was unrealistic. I have to alter that idea- if I were to have a severe, acute problem (such as might land me in the hospital), I am confident that my friends and community (I speak of the church and family community- which are pretty much the same thing) would rally around me and my family and be amazingly supportive, helpful, and well-intentioned. I have seen them do such before for other people.
It's different, however, when one descends slowly into bad health. There is no message that makes its way around the community- "So-and-so is not doing well and needs some extra love!" There is no sudden resection from all facets of life. The resection is gradual, and by the time people realize what has happened, they have become accustomed to it. There is no internal burn to go aid the person, to reach out. With a chronic illness, the aid is continually needed, and people- despite their best intentions and truly good natures- burn out, get lazy, busy, or simply distracted.
The world moves on- rapidly, radically, constantly- as the chronic illness sufferer fights the pull of isolation. The threads that tie one to society begin fray, sometimes even snapping, and the person can be left more and more isolated as the world moves more and more forward.
I know there is a way to fight this impending isolation, but I'm not sure what it is. Sometimes I even doubt that I would even have the energy to fight. It's tempting to just sit back and let the threads snap.
Despite this, I have decided to not give in to the loneliness. I will pick the threads that matter most- my God, my family, my dear friends, and my future- and devote my energy to maintaining and strengthening those. Let the other, lesser threads to the world, to life, fray and snap. I may yearn- and even cry- for them, but I can survive- happily even- without them.
You want to know how you can help? What would mean the most to me would be helping me to not become isolated. I am afraid of it. I am afraid that it will happen, and I may not even be able to stop it. Call me when you're thinking of me. Invite me to do things- even if you know I probably can't. Keep me updated and informed on the things I miss. Drop me an email, or a message on facebook. Read my blog and leave a comment. Take pictures for me. Stick up for me. Stop by randomly- just to say hi and maybe even hang out. You're always welcome, and will always be recieved with gratitude (just don't have very high expectations on the state of the house ;D). Advise me, counsel me, listen to me, love me. Most of all- don't just "be there" for me, because I can't always be wherever "there" is. Please- be HERE for me.

puke n' plunge

I would like to say that vomiting, clogging up the toilet (honestly, I think it had problems before I came along), and then having to obtain a garbage can to go vomit in one's bedroom is passing unpleasant. But don't say- at least it can't get worse, because, oh man, it can. It's not too bad when it's just family- you just have to avoid the little sister who always asks too many questions about vomiting-, but when there's a guest, well, then comes the embarrasment factor. You have to plunge that toilet so other people can use the bathroom, but you're still vomiting, so you carry the garbage can with you to the bathroom and alternate between plunging and puke. It goes something like this:
Plunge, plunge, plunge. Stop! Puke, puke. Breath. Plunge, plunge, plunge. Stop! Gag, gag, gag, puke! (repeat)
Really, I think I have a new rap song in the making... (don't you think it's catchy?)
And then you come out of the bathroom with your garbage can and proceed quite quickly to your bedroom for some peace, while the exchange student looks at you in surprise.
No doubt Little Sister has told him what you're probably doing by now. And how often it happens. And she probably doesn't even have the sense or knowledge to explain it so that it doesn't sound like you're bulimic.
Great. Guess I'll have some damage control to do.

It's passing unpleasant, I tell you.

If it were further in the past than this morning, I'm quite positive I'd be laughing about it. Go ahead and laugh- you have my permission.

Fröhlich

take no thought for the morrow

Okay, so I can't sleep. Again.
Do I feel anxious? Maybe that's part of it... the other part is the stinkin' migraine that new drug: Zomig, isn't helping. Ugh. And I'm planning on getting up an extra hour early just to see if giving myself that extra time in the morning will help me to be able to go to seminary.
I hear that seminary people are starting to talk about me. Questioning- why is it conveniently worse in the morning? Is she really sick?
That kind of hurts, but I'm working on just letting it hurt, and not letting it make me mad. People doubting my health problems really can make me mad because it puts into question my character. I'm nowhere near perfect, but making myself out to be ill just so I don't have to do as much is most definately not one of my character flaws. It's not like I enjoy being sick. It sucks. I love being busy. I love people. Being sick doesn't allow me to be busy, or to see people. I know that a lot of people think it would be nice to not have to go to school, seminary, or church, but I'm weird. I like school, seminary, and church. I miss them!
So when people question how sick I am and if I use it as an excuse to slack off, it really frustrates me and I have to realize that they must not know me at all.
All the more reason to treasure the people that know the truth.
I think I might go take a sleeping pill. I never have before, but I really want to go to sleep.
I have a semi-full day tomorrow- I actually have to leave the house. I'm excited about this- seeing people, being elsewhere, but it also makes me nervous because I don't know how much it will affect my health.
That's all for tonight. I'll just hope tomorrow goes well and leave off worrying about things until then. "Sufficient is the evil thereof..."

Matt. 6: 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take ^athought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

New Years' Resolutions from Others

1. "About one arcminute, with my glasses on." This is actually pretty funny- once you understand it (I had to look it up). from BadAstronomy
2. "Quit prostituting my taste buds". I don't think I'm really in much danger of that, unless one considers my tastebuds to be "easy", which very well might be the case. (they're even starting to go for nutrition drinks and plain toats!) This one is from The Cheerful Oncologist.
3. "Uphold Magnanimity". This is a really great one that may just warrant its own post sometime in the near future! Also from Cheerful Onco.

I'll update this if I find any other cool resolutions.
Look for a list of my own to come!