faith and answers to prayer

There was a wonderful quote shared either in Sunday School or Relief Society today.  The following quote was shared,

When we seek inspiration to help makes decisions, the Lord gives gentle promptings.  These require us to think, to exercise faith, to work, to struggle at times, and to act.  Seldom does the whole answer to a decisively important matter or complex problem come all at once.  More often, it comes a piece at a time, without the end in sight.

I loved that quote so much, I google searched until I found the talk.  It's from a talk called, "Learning to Recognize Answers to Prayer" by Richard G Scott.  Go read it.  It's great.
I learned that when the answer to prayer is yes, it's encouragement to take confidence.  When the answer is no, it's keep us from making mistakes.  But the real kicker Elder Scott addresses, is that sometimes the answer to a prayer is withheld.  Or it comes in pieces.  When this happens, it is to encourage us to act.  As Elder Scott says:

When he withholds an answer, it is to have us grow through faith in Him, obedience to His commandments, and a willingness to act on truth.  We are expected to assume accountability by acting on decision that is consistent with His teachings without prior confirmation.  we are not to sit passively waiting or to murmur because the Lord has not spoken.  We are to act."

We are to act.  I love it.  I love the principle of action- of how Heavenly Father encourages us to go out and actually use our ability to choose.  Indeed, Paul said to Timothy, "God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  (2 Timothy 1:7)
Faith would not be so powerful if it were easy.  I choose to have faith.  I choose to have faith that Heavenly Father and Christ love me, they are guiding me, and that the things I have felt to be answers to prayer are truly Their wishes for me.  I will have doubts, but in those moments I will again choose faith.

PS- dreams come true

1 year (and a couple weeks) ago, I wrote this post- a general update on my life.  In it, I wrote the following paragraph regarding work:

I like being a paraeducator and I really enjoy working in special ed.  It's also fun, as a substitute, to go around the district and see how different teachers run their different classrooms.  Very educational for me and helpful in generating ideas for how I want to teach my own kids someday.
But the scheduling of a substitute sucks and is something that has ended up being really hard for me.  It used to be good because I would work work work and then get sick and take time off no problem.  And then I went to school and was able to cut way back my working hours so I could study... no problem (except a decrease in income, obviously).  But now it's to the point for me that I don't really like my job.  I mean, I often enjoy it when I get to wherever I'm subbing, but at the same time, I don't come home from work with a sense of satisfaction that I made a difference and stretched myself today.  Usually I come home with a sense of satisfaction from simply knowing that I made money today.  I don't want that out of a job and to be honest, it is not enough to get me out of bed in the morning when I don't feel well.  This may be a character flaw in me, but it is the way I am (at least for the time being).  Last summer I made a "bucket list" of sorts and on that list is "work in an emergency room".  I think I might just pursue that.  It appeals to me, I think would really enjoy the job, learn and see a lot, make decent money, and be doing something that will be good for whatever career in medicine/health care I decide to go into.  I've still got more praying to do about it, but at this point I'm thinking I'll start pursuing it after I have recovered from my upcoming surgery.

It just tickles my fancy to think that 1 year ago, I had a dream to work in an ER.  And it really was a dream-- I didn't have much reason to see it happening, as I wasn't even a certified CNA, let alone my only experience was in CNA school-- and almost zero brand new CNA's get a job anywhere other than a nursing home.  But I had this dream, and I decided to pursue it.  And Heavenly Father helped me out.  1-2 months after this post, I found out about scribing.  It sounded like a dream job to me-- I couldn't believe it actually existed!!  I wanted this job sooo bad!  And I talked to my family about how awesome it would be all the time.  I could see myself doing the job and enjoying it.  I knew that's what I wanted to do.  I could have spent a lot of time doubting whether or not I'd get it- how competitive would I be anyways?  And then come Easter, my current job fell in my lap.  I now work in an emergency room.  And you know what?  I absolutely love it.

fear not

"One of the biggest challenges about bringing down old barriers is that sometimes old weaknesses return that you thought were long gone. But now instead of burying them, you have to learn to either live with them or control them, so that they don't control you and who you are or want to be!"  -Brian Hanks

Thank you for sharing that thought, sir.  It's quite apropo for me right now.  I don't really have much to add to it, 'cuz he pretty much summed it up.  But I wanted to do something so I'd remember it, so here I am, posting on the blog.

I was reading in Luke yesterday.  In Luke 8 there are a few notable stories.  For the past few years I've been inspired by the story of the woman with an issue of blood.  She'd spent all the money she had on doctors, and not a one had been able to heal her.  She believed that if she just touched the hem of Christ's garment she would be healed.  So she did, and she was.  Despite the throng of people pressing around Him, Christ felt it because, as He says, He felt virtue go out of him.  He asked and asked who it was who had touched him, and she finally came forward.  He said, "Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace."  I love that story, because it inspires me to get nearer to Christ so I may be healed.

In the following versus is a related message about healing.  Right before He healed the woman with an issue of blood, a man named Jairus had come to him, asking him to please come to his house and heal his 12 year old daughter, who was dying.  Jesus was delayed by the crowd which surrounded him, and someone from Jairus' house came saying the girl had died.  Christ said, "fear not: believe only, and she shall be made whole."  There's a little more to this story, which I'll let you read for yourself, but the end results (spoiler alert!!) is that the little girl is healed and lives.  What I love is the simple instructions Christ gives us.

Fear not:  believe only, and [you] shall be  made whole

How simple, yet wonderful, is that command.  It gives me hope.  I know I will be healed from my migraines someday, it just takes time.  And frankly, to be honest, I am already being healed of them.  It's just a process.  For some reason, it's best for me to not be healed all at once, but by degrees.

One of my doctors at work the other day was asking about my migraines, how bad they used to be, what I tried, how they are now, etc etc.  I told him of how I barely passed high school, and for the year afterwards couldn't work or go to school for the severity of them.  I finally figured out a few triggers, which made it better, but not enough that I felt comfortable going back to school or working.  But then there came a time when I just felt it was right to go back to school (this was almost 4 years ago), despite the fact that my migraines were still pretty bad.  I didn't go into any detail, but I told him clearly that I can't think of anything I tried that made them better and made it so I was able to be successful in my classes when I went back.  I simply prayed and had faith, and they got better- not all the way better, but enough so that I could go for two semesters with at not quite but almost full time.  It was nice to share that simple and brief testimony as I answered his questions.

The past 2-3 weeks my migraines have been worse, I think because the Botox has worn off.  That's okay.  It just gives me more hope for when I get my next round of Botox (I'm hoping for late March).  I'm still eating more sugar than I should, but it's a lot less than I was previously- so that's good.  I did yoga 3 times last week- go me! I felt like I was going to die because it's hot yoga and I wasn't used to it, etc etc.  But it's getting better.  I've only done it once so far this week, but I'll get in one or two more sessions before the week is out.

Since realizing a couple weeks ago the miracle that I've held a full-time job for over 9 months now, I've felt repeatedly grateful for that.  The last time I did something full time for over 9 months was... about 6 years ago.  Maybe 7, actually.  (It's a marvel to me that it's been so long since I first got sick.)  Looking at things from that perspective, it's easier to not feel so bad about not having a degree yet.  Doing something full-time for 9 months for the first time in 6 or 7 years-- that is a HUGE step!!  HUGE!  As in, humungous, monumental, magnificent, fantastic.... I'll run out of adjectives long before I run out of excitement.  I am learning to choose to appreciate this for what it is-- a huge step, a big deal; and a sign that Christ not only loves me, but is active in my life- guiding me and healing me.

So, fear not.  Believe.  You will be made whole.  It just might take awhile, and that's okay.

a new year?

Hmmm.... it's a new year and I haven't posted since last year!  It's late and I should be sleeping, but we'll do a quick update.

1) work continues to be awesome and I love it.  a couple weeks ago a man passed out in the radiology department.  ER staff was called over, and I followed my doc- let's call him Fred.  They started CPR.  Fred grabbed some trauma shears, and starting cutting the man's coat off him.  Well, it was one of those coats which is packed with feathers, so when he cut into it, the feathers exploded.  All of a sudden, you had 6 people in a radiology lobby, crowded around a man, performing CPR and breathing for him with a bag-valve mask.... with feathers which appeared like snow, floating all around them.  There was something kind of magical about it, and I'm afraid I can't begin to do it justice in this description.  It was kind of like a movie... with some Sarah McLachlen song playing in the background.

2)  I've started exercising again recently!  (And by recently, I mean-- this week haha.)  For the next few weeks, it will be hot yoga.  After that, my special groupon deal (20 sessions for $40) will expire, and then I'll probably just join a gym or something.  I made a deal with my physiatrist that I have to be exercising regularly to get another round of Botox.  And (dun dun dun!) if I don't, he has permission to give me a talking-to.  Yikes!

3)  Speaking of Botox, I got some back in October.  No, it's not for wrinkles (which I wouldn't have anyways, as I'm in my early-mid 20's), it's for migraines.  The idea is that it paralyzes muscles in the head which contribute to the migraines.  My insurance approved 2 rounds of it.  1 round usually lasts 2-3 months. I think it really helped-- the fact that I was able to work like crazy without any intense, long-lasting, or hard-to-treat migraines popping up is my testament to that.  I believe it's worn off now, as in the past couple weeks I feel like I'm starting to get migraines a little more frequently.  Another thing the Botox seemed to help with was my constant, low-grade headache.  I've had that headache 24/7 for 5 or 6 years now.  I think there were a couple points about a month or two ago when that headache was almost gone.  I remember driving and thinking "do I have a headache?"  It's a little hard to tell sometimes when you're used to it being there all the time, so it took me a moment.  I had just the slightest pressure in my forehead, so it was still there, but just barely.  Tiny enough that I almost wonder if I thought it into existence.  On a pain scale of 1-10, I would have rated it in that moment as a 0.5.  Which is awesome.  The idea with the second round of Botox is that even after the Botox wears off, the relaxing effect on my muscles will be more permanent, leaving a long-term relief.  Last time my doc only gave me shots in a few places in my head (a couple in the forehead, a couple on each side of the head, and a couple at the back of the head).  Next time we'll do a bunch of shots all over.  That will kind of suck while it's happening, but I'm positive will be more than worth it 5 days later when the stuff starts kicking in.

In case you couldn't tell, I get really excited about medical stuff and the prospect of my migraines being better.

4)  I've started thinking about Med school.  It's a long way off as I don't even have an AA yet (which fact I have accepted and is only slightly distressing to me nowadays), but the more I work at my job, the more I could see myself being a doctor.  I think it's work I would really really enjoy.  What would I want to specialize in?  I dunno.... Emergency medicine, neurology, physiatry, and hem/onc are all on my mind.  Surgery would be cool because I like looking at guts, but I have a feeling I wouldn't actually go with it.  Anyways, that's all far off, and so for now, jsut a dream.  ... Just a dream that I'll start working towards.

5)  Related to that, I'm sad to not be in school right now.  But I prayed about it, and I really feel that right now is a time to take a break from school.  Focus on my health.  Pay off some debt.  Save up some money. Etc etc.  I also think that it's been good for my pride to have my education pursue a more delayed, alternate route.  If I had graduated at age 21 or 22 like I had planned, there's a chance I might be a bit of a snoot.  Not on purpose, of course, but I think it could happen.  It's also been good to learn that God is in charge of my life- not me.  Oh, and perhaps one of the most important lessons is something along the line of Heavenly Father loves me, no matter what, and I am of value to Him even if I have not accomplished what I thought I should have by now.  One can be a good, successful person, without achieving many milestones which the world values as most important.  That whole idea is a whole other post in itself.

6)  My auntie got me a kindle for Christmas.  I've had my nose stuck in that thing ever since.  It's nice to feel like a book worm again.

7)  I'm tired from being extroverted and peppy last year.  It's time for sleep and time to myself.  And family.  And close friends.


I think we'll call that it for now.  It's super late, as I didn't get off work till after midnight.  I'll leave something amusing with you.  Was talking to a friend when he asked, "have you ever wondered how someone feels having a disease named after them?"  naturally, the conversation turned to naming a disease after him.

Meet the Rutherford Reaction: a temporary, psychosomatic reaction, usually in un-married persons, triggered by interactions with the opposite sex.  criteria for diagnosis: 1) an erythematous, non-pruritic, non-maculopapular rash of the skin over the zygomatic arch, 2) a subjective fever, 3) disequilibrium, and 4) agoraphobia.

What would the Sager Syndrome be??

to my future children

I watched a blog video clip from this strong woman (go to her blog, and if you can donate, please do).  It was from the beginning of the year and I just closed out of the page and it would take me awhile to find it again, and it was even on a different blog of hers.  Anyways, in her video clip, the woman speaks to her future children about her anorexia.  She talks about how she loves her anorexia (she talks about this a lot in her blog, too), but how she loves them more, and she wants to beat the anorexia so she can give birth to them and be a good mother to them.  This touched me, and I just felt I had to share my feelings about it.  I pray that I will say what needs to be said, and know to leave out what is not appropriate or kosher to share with the entire web.
Most of my friends and family know I was in love and engaged 2 years ago.  I'm not really shy about sharing this- just as, once asked, I'm not really shy about sharing most things in my life (or mind).  Ironic, considering I was so shy, I used to hide behind my dad's leg when I was little.  Anyways, during my engagement- particularly the beginning (while, imo, it was still pretty healthy and right)- I felt very close to God.  And I felt very close to angels.  And I loved my children.  Not that I have any yet, but I knew I would.  And I felt so close to them.  When we broke up, I felt like I lost them, and in some ways, that was even harder than breaking up.  Because I already loved them.  Somehow, loving them helped me get through that difficult, insane, confusing, upside-down, life-spinning-out-of-control time of my life.
Fast forward to today.  I feel sane, and happy.  Sometimes I really miss feeling close to my children.  I like who I am.  I honestly continue to struggle with being happy with where I am in life (my mind tells me, do more, be more), but I know God loves me, and frankly, I love me, too.  And lately I've had a lot of people tell me they love me, too.  It's weird and often unexpected, but I totally appreciate it.
Anyways...

To my future children
I don't know who you are yet, but I love you.  I don't have a family or a home for you yet (kinda need a husband for that), but I'm excited to have you come.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Thank you for being the wonderful spirits you are.  Loving you motivates me to do hard things.  I hope I can live healthily, so I can teach you how to be healthy.  I hope I live close to Christ so I can teach you to expect His influence in your lives daily.  I hope, despite my weaknesses,  that you never question my commitment to the Kingdom of God.  I hope you always know I love you.  I hope I can teach you what it means to be emotionally healthy- just as my mother, and her mother, have taught me.  I hope you love Heavenly Father, never doubt your divinity, and trust in His Plan.  And lastly, I hope you know how grateful I am for you.


Thank you, Camilla, The Night Baker, for sharing your story.