Thanksgiving yesterday was lovely. I was, I admit, worried that everyone wouldn't get along, or at the very least, that things would be kind of tense.
It wasn't. Everyone got along and by the time we'd all been there for an hour, I was sufficiently relaxed and not worrying. Yay happy goodness!
I got to see my friend Anne yesterday, and found myself wishing that I kept up on my sign language more. I don't think I am any worse than I was last I saw her (about a year ago), but I am no better, and that is the frustrating part. (The fact that I was w/out glasses becasue they broke a month ago was hindering me as well lol. Could you fingerspell that again while I remember to squint?)
Communication. It is at the base of everything.
Interactions between people: words, sentences, talking, writing, eye rolling, shoulder shrugging, arm crossing, hugging, kissing, smiling, frowning, standing close, standing apart, sitting, shuddering...
Interactions between animals: meowing, barking, squeaking, growling, rubbing, licking, "marking"...
And then, even between inanimate things-
gravity's pull, electromagnetism, our own body systems: negative and positive feedback loops, hormones, cellular transport-- DNA and RNA being at the base of it all, controlling how the body communicates inside of itself and with its external environment (I think of homeostasis)...
molecules! atoms! atomic particles...
All of these things interact with one another, are joined or connected, convey, transmit... Communication-in one form or another- is critically important to this world. It is the base of life and order. Without it, everything would fall to chaos.
- transmit information ;
- transmit thoughts or feelings;
- convey: transfer to another;
- join or connect;
- be in verbal contact; interchange information or ideas;
(from here)
I wish I could communicate better with Anne. I wish I could touch deeper subjects with her- ask her about being Deaf, about her family, about her work, about people... I wish I could get her opinions on these things. I am skilled enough with my ASL to be able to conversation and to relay necessary messages. I am nowhere near skilled enough with it to be able to become acquainted with someone intimately- as I wish I could with Anne.
I'll have to exercise my ASL more.
I used to- so much more than I do. I still sign words here and there when I talk. I still have signs pop up in my head instead of words. But I don't, as I used to, practice. I would sit there and practice signs in my head. I would have a thought- and think of how I could best convey that thought in ASL. I would sometimes sign it to myself. I would sign songs while I listened to them (I still do that one from time to time). I would have, what seemed to me, very proficient and in-depth conversations with myself in sign language. (Yes, feel free to laugh at me. I am.) I can be quite comfortable signing things out... when I'm alone or with people less than or equal to my signing ability. Isn't it interesting how being around someone more proficient than myself causes me to doubt myself just enough that I loose some of my proficiency? (or, we could replace for that last word: confidence.)
I should work on that. I think I could converse with a little more ease about much more than just movies and food if I could over that.
Also, on my mind, is my health. Well, more specifically, my nausea. (Those who have weak stomachs/low tolerance for more in depth body discussions, would do well to stop here. Skip over. I'll let you know if/when it's safe again.)
I am a bit picky about where and when I throw up. Mostly because, I suppose, I am a bit self-concious about the whole thing. I don't want people to hear me, and aside from my immediate family and very very closest friends, I don't want people to know I am throwing up. Yes, I discuss it with relative easy, but it's much easier said than done (in more ways than one, actually).
At home, my family can tell when I'm throwing up not because of the duration of my bathroom-bonding, but because I turn on the fan. I don't really care much for the fan- I hardly ever turn it on after I shower- but I find it highly useful to helping me to feel.... I don't. Secure? Enough to proceed with my vomiting.
I have, at times, vomited in garbages because I figured they afforded me more privacy.
At seminary. We all know those girls who spend more time than they should in the bathroom, primping themselves for the day (we have, most of us girls, probably been one of them a time or two)- skipping class. Well, I usually don't care, aside from to roll my eyes... but I would like to add that the bathrooms at the church building where I have seminary are kinda small. And I'm friends with some of those girls. And they're really nice, decent people. So if I go in and start vomiting, it's different than it would be even at school because they will be concerned enough to ask me, multiple times, if I'm okay. And they'll actually be concerned about it- not just "oh no, someone's throwing up" but "oh no! cassanndre's sick! i hope she's okay..." I honestly, do not like the attention. (Even aside from the fact that I hope they're not all secretly wondering if I'm bulimic...)
Becuase of that, I have a new routine for when I have to vomit at seminary. I walk all the way around to the opposite side of the building- to the foyer where no one is. Then, grabbing the little garbage can from that foyer, I head outside- grab a twig to keep the door from closing all the way, set my garbage can down off to the side of the door (where passing people will be less likely to see me) and then proceed to doing my business. Bring the garbage can back in, go to the bathroom and wash my hands, go back to class.
Throwing up without worrying about anyone hearing me. Yay.
Except for the one time that were two friends of mine in that foyer. That was uncomfortable. They looked at me funny, asked if I was okay (I thought- wow! I actually look how I feel for once, apparently.), looked at me funny again as I grabbed my garbage can, explained I was going to go throw up and I'd be back (if the nausea had been any amount less, I would have turned around and just tolerated it until I got another chance later to throw up). That was fun. Thankfully, they had the good grace enough to not say much when I came back. I laughed a bit and joked about how I hoped that no one thought I was bulimic or anything- I just have health problems. (Yes, that's my way to make sure no one thinks I have an eating disorder.) I then went back to class. That was that.
Public places... I go to throw up in the school bathroom, but dangit, there's always a bunch of girls in there, so I either have to temper my throwing up (which leaves me still nauseous and with more coming later, undoubtedly) so they won't hear me, or wait until they vacate the place, or just go on with it as I would, hoping for enough toilet flushes, hand washing, and paper towel dispensing form them all that they won't hear me too much.
Being in public places with friends... ha. I remember coming out of a movie a couple times having to throw up. Excused myself to use the restroom (got someone to hold my purse for me once), and spent my fair time in there- grateful to friends who waited for me. Coming out, I'm sure I didn't look well- in fact, I even got the sympathetic look (more on that later, perhaps) from those who know me well enough to realize that I was probably throwing up. Some quiet are you okay?s came from those people as well. The funniest, though, I have to say, was when Derek was joking afterwards and asked if I had to throw up or something. I was taken aback, and still am not sure if he knew he was right, but I responded as nonchalantly as I could, "actually I was". Silence. Change of subject. I laughed inwardly.
(Okay, weak of stomach, 'tis safe again.)
The sympathetic look. Even though I don't like the attention being drawn to me while I'm not feeling well, I do really really appreciate my friends' concern. I appreciate it when I've told them that I'd be okay- go have fun- and they did. I appreciated it when one dear friend out of them all would stay behind with me and just sit with me, talk to me, while the rest of them went off as I wished they would. I appreciated it when, after having some more fun, the rest of my friends came back a bit earlier than normal so they could check on me, and decided to leave a bit earlier than normal on my account- but let me think that it was because they all got tired just a bit early. I appreciate the friend who I can call up when I feel like crap, and who will just talk to me about anything to distract me. I appreciate the friend who recognizes when I am really really not feeling well and makes sure to let me know I am cared about- without drawing everyone else's attention to me. I appreciate those who can tell, in one second, what everyone else can't. I appreciate those who respect me and understand when I don't want extra attention, and when I both want and need it, give it (sometimes without even being asked). I appreciate those who keep in touch. Who call me and invite me to hang out or go do something, even when they know I may not be able to, but make the effort just the same- reminding me that they still want me around. I appreciate those who are willing to just hang out at my house (or sometimes theirs) instead of doing something more- because they know that I'm too worn out. I appreciate those who ask me what I need from them, and then try to do it. I appreciate those who help me to remember that it'll all be okay, that I have the ability to endure it all and come out the better for it. Those who understand that I have to miss out on things, and rearrange things, and don't judge me for it. I appreciate those who listen to me complain and vent, and then help me to find my optimistic outlook again.
I appreciate this opportunity to see just how wonderful my friends are.
No comments:
Post a Comment