The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.
- Oscar Levant
In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them.
- Johann von Neumann
With consistent practice, faith will become a vibrant, powerful, uplifting, inspiring force in your life.
- Elder Richard G. Scott
The true genius shudders at incompleteness- and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be."
- Edgar Allen Poe
If you ponder the scriptures and begin to do what you covenanted with God to do, I can promise you that you will feel more love for God and more of His love for you.
- Elder Henry B. Eyring
Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek.
- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
- Dick Cavett
It is a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.
- Albert Camus
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
- Charles Bukowski
The perfect bureaucrat everywhere is the man who manages to make no decisions and escape all responsibility.
- Brooks Atkinson
Somehow, among all who have walked the earth, we have been brought forth in this unique and remarkable season. Be grateful, and above all be faithful.
- President Gordon B. Hinckley
When grace is joined with wrinkles, it is adorable. There is an unspeakable dawn in happy old age.
- Victor Hugo
It is a common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it.
- John Steinbeck
Devotees of grammatical studies have not been distinguished for any very remarkable felicities of expression.
- Amos Bronson Alcott
Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.
- Isaac Asimov
Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
Calls will stretch you, often at the start and always over their course, but He will give you the Holy Ghost to be your companion.
- Elder Henry B. Eyring
My interest is in the future... because I'm going to spend the rest of my life there.
- Charles Kettering
Each holy temple stands as a symbol of our membership in the Church, as a sign of our faith in life after death, and as a sacred step toward eternal glory for us and our families.
- Elder Russell M. Nelson
There are two men inside the artist, the poet and the craftsman. One is born a poet. One becomes a craftsman.
- Emile Zola
An ideal marriage is a true partnership between two imperfect people, each striving to complement the other, to keep the commandments, and to do the will of the Lord.
- Elder Russell M. Nelson
The most beautiful thigns are those that madness prompts and reason writes.
- Andre Gide
If you don't know how to die, don't worry; Nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately.
- Michel de Montaigne
I do not believe that God plays dice with the world.
- Albert Einstein
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
- ?
Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not understood.
- Henry Miller
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but half don't like your bait and the other half taste bad.
- Sarah Jakubowski
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
- Anai"s Nin
Calls will stretch you, often at the start and always over their course, but He will give you the Holy Ghost to be your companion.
- Elder Henry B. Eyring
Home should be the center of one's earthly experience, where love and mutual respect are appropriately blended.
- Elder L. Tom Perry
In utter loneliness a write tries to explain the inexplicable.
- John Steinbeck
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
- Albert Einstein
After this life, you will be restored to that which you have here allowed yourself to become.
- Elder Richard G. Scott
In an increasingly unjust world, to survive and even to find happiness and joy, no matter what comes, we must make our stand unequivocally with the Lord.
- President James E. Faust
Though this world has a way of diminishing and demeaning men and women, the reality is we are all of royal, divine lineage.
- Elder M. Russell Ballard
There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.
- Gore Vidal
Great thigns are not accomplished by those who yield to trends and fads and popular opinion.
- Jack Kerouac
We spend our time searching for security and hate it when we get it.
- John Steinbeck
Rule No. 1 is, don't sweat the small stuff. Rule No. 2 is, it's all small stuff.
- Robert Eliot
In our day, the steadying arm of the Lord reaches us through the ordinances of His holy temples.
- Elder Robert D. Hales
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.
- Bertrand Russell
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
- Gore Vidal
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
- Tallulah Bankhead
The great work of moving the gospel forward has in the past, does now, and will in the future depend upon ordinary members.
- President Boyd K. Packer
What the public criticizes in you, cultivate. It is you.
- Jean Cocteau
If men cease to believe that they will one day become gods then they will surely become worms.
- Henry Miller
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
- Dorothy Parker
A friend is more concerned about helping people than getting credit. A friend cares. A friend loves. A friend listens. And a friend reaches out.
- President Thomas S. Monson
Choosing to do what the Lord has defined as right will, in the long run, always lead to the best outcomes.
- Elder Richard G. Scott
It's not a matter of whether or not someone's watching over you. It's just a question of their intentions.
- Randy K. Milholland
Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty - a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture.
- Bertrand Russell
I've always found paranoia to be a perfectly defensible position.
- Pat Conroy
My manners, abominable at times, can be sweet.
- Jack Kerouac
We are never the same with others as when we are alone. We are different, even when we are in the dark with them.
- Maurice Maeterlinck
The greatest masterpiece in literature is only a dictionary out of order.
- Jean Cocteau
We should seek at all times to purify ourselves and to lead such worthy lives that the Light of Christ emanates from us in all that we say and do.
- Elder M. Russell Ballard
The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
It's a dangerous business going out your front door.
- JRR Tolkien
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
- Fran Lebowitz
I am at your interragatory disposal.
- Tony Snow
Character is woven patiently from threads of principle, doctrine, and obedience.
- Elder Richard G. Scott
What do I know of man's destiny? I could tell you more about radishes.
- Samuel Beckett
Art is a private thing, the artist makes it for himeself; a comprehensible work is the product of a journalist. we need works that are strong, straight, precise, and forever beyond understanding."
- Tristan Tzara
A young person's developing concept of God centers on characteristics observed in that child's earthly parents.
- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
The average girl would pick beauty over brains because she knows the average guy can see better than he can think.
- Anonymous
Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get caught in jet engines.
- Brady
I'm trying to die correctly, but it's very difficult, you know.
- Lawrence Durrell
When we choose to deny ourselves of all ungodliness, we lose nothing of value and gain the glory of eternal life.
- Elder Russell M. Nelson
If I break the laws of Physics, do I go to jail?
- Things to Ponder
We are responsible for the home we build. We must build wisely, for eternity is not a short voyage.
- President Thomas S. Monson
Through humble prayer, diligent preparation, and faithful service, we can succeed in our sacred callings.
- President Thomas S. Monson
"...because the family's continuity and development required the sacrifice of the individuals' desires, family life inevitably produced tensions and rebellions." -Dewald (qouted in an article on the experiences of Huguenots)
"Just because it's broken doesn't mean you have to break it more." -Marianne
"We are challenged to move through a process of conversion toward that status and condition called eternal life. This is achieved not just by doing what is right, but by doing it for the right reason—for the pure love of Christ. The Apostle Paul illustrated this in his famous teaching about the importance of charity (see 1 Cor. 13). The reason charity never fails and the reason charity is greater than even the most significant acts of goodness he cited is that charity, "the pure love of Christ" (Moro. 7:47), is not an act but a condition or state of being. Charity is attained through a succession of acts that result in a conversion. Charity is something one becomes. Thus, as Moroni declared, "except men shall have charity they cannot inherit" the place prepared for them in the mansions of the Father (Ether 12:34; emphasis added)." -Dallin H. Oaks
"Charity is, perhaps, in many ways a misunderstood word. We often equate charity with visiting the sick, taking in casseroles to those in need, or sharing our excess with those who are less fortunate. But really, true charity is much, much more.
Real charity is not something you give away; it is something that you acquire and make a part of yourself. And when the virtue of charity becomes implanted in your heart, you are never the same again. It makes the thought of being a basher repulsive.
Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other." -Marvin J. Ashton
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day, you shall begin it well and serenely...” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
“For, you see, each day I love you more, Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow” -Rosemonde Gerard
"2% fat milk withdrawal" -Michel (Gilmore Girls)
"Okay, not yelling... ambitiously, forcefully, clarifying something" -Eddy
"I think the bringing of dry cereal in tupperware should be a gospel ordinance" -Daniel (whom I've never met)
26 November 2008
17 October 2008
more qoutes
because i ran out of room on my facebook qoutes page. see here for my previous post of qoutes.
"get away! get away! There's a demon in my soup!! and its speaking to me." --Tyler M./Charlie G.
"my wife scares me! --she's always right!" -glenn beck
"...does that make us armpit lice?" -mary
"susan g. squeekers" -mary's name for her dog's chew toy
"i must despise you now" -evil queen from a cheesy 80's movie
"I cannot stop someone from walking down a path of thorns, but I can find the garden of roses for myself so I can lead them there when they are ready." -Jarrod
"[he's] going to -eat- me!"
"well then... you'd better make sure you're... yummy!" -eddy and me
"You're not going to catch up, Marianne"
"I'm mustard?" --me and Marianne
*high pitched noise*
"What was that?"
"A dolphin... it was the first thing that popped into my mind!" -Marianne, me, Marianne
"We can be mustard buddies... we can pickle each other." -Marianne
"it's a dandelion..."
"What about a dandelion?"
"I don't know! There's one in my brain... and it turned into an umbrella... a pink one... mm-hmm." -Marianne, me, Marianne
"Your job ain't gonna be worth the sweat off an Elvis impersonator if you're dead" -Perry White from "Lois and Clark"
"Helloo... this is Heaven. We approve this message." -Mary
"smile your kisser or no one will kiss your smiler" -Jamie quoting a Professor Woolley
"When filled with God's love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us." --John H. Groberg
"I'm not going to blame your poor dad, but I'm sure it's his fault" -Grandma about my Grandpa
"Turn down my thought bubble?"
"You were thinking much too loudly. This is a library, you know." -Triangle and Robert #16
"The universe. What flavor was it?"
"Universe flavored. What you mortals call butterscotch." -Triangle and Robert #28
"I'd ask what's going on, but I'm afraid you'd tell me." -Triangle and Robert #403
"Be great, not grest!" -me and alyssa
"Distinctly vague with a vague taste of something distinct." -T&R #567
"Love and work are viewed and experienced as totally separate activities motivated by separate needs. Yet, when we think about it, our common sense tells us that our most inspired, creative acts are deeply tied to our need to love and that, when we lack love, we find it difficult to work creatively; that work without love is dead, mechanical, sheer competence without vitality, that love without work grows boring, monotonous, lacks depth and passion." --Marta Zahaykevich (thanks colette!)
"In every story is a story not told... I learned to listen to the untold stories. Sometimes, they passed fugitively across my mother's face or I caught sight of them disappearing behind another tale." -Kim Chernin
"get away! get away! There's a demon in my soup!! and its speaking to me." --Tyler M./Charlie G.
"my wife scares me! --she's always right!" -glenn beck
"...does that make us armpit lice?" -mary
"susan g. squeekers" -mary's name for her dog's chew toy
"i must despise you now" -evil queen from a cheesy 80's movie
"I cannot stop someone from walking down a path of thorns, but I can find the garden of roses for myself so I can lead them there when they are ready." -Jarrod
"[he's] going to -eat- me!"
"well then... you'd better make sure you're... yummy!" -eddy and me
"You're not going to catch up, Marianne"
"I'm mustard?" --me and Marianne
*high pitched noise*
"What was that?"
"A dolphin... it was the first thing that popped into my mind!" -Marianne, me, Marianne
"We can be mustard buddies... we can pickle each other." -Marianne
"it's a dandelion..."
"What about a dandelion?"
"I don't know! There's one in my brain... and it turned into an umbrella... a pink one... mm-hmm." -Marianne, me, Marianne
"Your job ain't gonna be worth the sweat off an Elvis impersonator if you're dead" -Perry White from "Lois and Clark"
"Helloo... this is Heaven. We approve this message." -Mary
"smile your kisser or no one will kiss your smiler" -Jamie quoting a Professor Woolley
"When filled with God's love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us." --John H. Groberg
"I'm not going to blame your poor dad, but I'm sure it's his fault" -Grandma about my Grandpa
"Turn down my thought bubble?"
"You were thinking much too loudly. This is a library, you know." -Triangle and Robert #16
"The universe. What flavor was it?"
"Universe flavored. What you mortals call butterscotch." -Triangle and Robert #28
"I'd ask what's going on, but I'm afraid you'd tell me." -Triangle and Robert #403
"Be great, not grest!" -me and alyssa
"Distinctly vague with a vague taste of something distinct." -T&R #567
"Love and work are viewed and experienced as totally separate activities motivated by separate needs. Yet, when we think about it, our common sense tells us that our most inspired, creative acts are deeply tied to our need to love and that, when we lack love, we find it difficult to work creatively; that work without love is dead, mechanical, sheer competence without vitality, that love without work grows boring, monotonous, lacks depth and passion." --Marta Zahaykevich (thanks colette!)
"In every story is a story not told... I learned to listen to the untold stories. Sometimes, they passed fugitively across my mother's face or I caught sight of them disappearing behind another tale." -Kim Chernin
22 September 2008
heehee... told you i'm a canadian!!
thanks to Bridget
| What American accent do you have? Your Result: North Central "North Central" is what professional linguists call the Minnesota accent. If you saw "Fargo" you probably didn't think the characters sounded very out of the ordinary. Outsiders probably mistake you for a Canadian a lot. | |
| The Midland | |
| The South | |
| The West | |
| The Inland North | |
| Philadelphia | |
| Boston | |
| The Northeast | |
| What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz | |
09 August 2008
because i've decided to waste time
TEN things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:
1. You amaze me. Your influence makes me better.
2. Thank you for everything, especially your example.
3. You're beautiful. Really. Guys will figure it out.
4. I hope you're doing alright. Drop me a line sometime.
5. Oooh.... you're going to be soooo old in a week!! Ha ha!! :) Just kidding... I love you!
6. I'd like to get to know you better.
7. Your enthusiasm for life and everything in it is awesome!! Also, would you like some taunp tots?
8. Oh boy.... am I gonna miss you. But you already know that. At least I get to annoy twice a day for the first month!
9. Sometimes, I think your reality is just a little bit different from mine... like our brains are on different radio stations.... or rather, I'm FM and you're AM or something... but that's alright I guess, as long as we get some sort of brain wave length converter thingie.... oh, you probably aren't following what I'm saying, are you? Ok, I'll just stop now...
10. Relax.
NINE things about yourself:
1. I love to learn about a lot of different things. Often it goes in phases.
2. I am comfortable discussing really gross medical conditions.
3. I also am comfortable discussing bowel movements.
4. I admire people that have a good work ethic.
5. I'm not inclined to read Jane Austen's "Emma", though I've read all of her other works except one, which I intend to read someday.
6. I like (some) fluffy romance novels (as long as they're not inappropriate).
7. I am currently recovering from a Spider Solitaire addiction.
8. I couldn't tie my own shoes until the 2nd grade.
9. I carry on entire conversations with people in my head. (no, I'm not crazy. And guess what-- Cassandra does it, too. It must come with the name...)
EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. be sincere, thoughtful, reverent, and "kindly understanding"
2. love the gospel
3. commit to being better
4. encourage/uplift/edify/motivate me
5. be kind to and interested in my family
6. don't be turned off by my weaknesses
7. help me to feel happy/peaceful
8. trust and have faith in me (and let me trust/have faith in you)
SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. what's-his-bucket
2. "huh?"
3. being better
4. headaches/migraines
5. for the past few days- that annoying stuffed up feeling in your ears when you have a cold
6. the future
7. the present
SIX things you wish you never did:
1. go there that one time
2. quit piano lessons
3. neglect to call her when she crossed my mind
4. be a jerk in elementary school
5. read The Lovely Bones
6. procrastinate
FIVE turn offs:
1. vulgarity
2. inappropriate jokes
3. being disrespectful to people i love/respect
4. fingernails that are too long
5. dirty fingernails
FOUR turn ons:
1. clean, clipped fingernails
2. friendliness
3. carries on a good conversation with me, despite my occasional funny talking habits
4. thoughtfulness, reverance, and respect
THREE smileys that describe your life:
1. :D
2. :S
3. =D
TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. become fluent in a second language
2. live abroad
ONE confession:
1. unless you're one of two people, your germs are not as good as my germs
1. You amaze me. Your influence makes me better.
2. Thank you for everything, especially your example.
3. You're beautiful. Really. Guys will figure it out.
4. I hope you're doing alright. Drop me a line sometime.
5. Oooh.... you're going to be soooo old in a week!! Ha ha!! :) Just kidding... I love you!
6. I'd like to get to know you better.
7. Your enthusiasm for life and everything in it is awesome!! Also, would you like some taunp tots?
8. Oh boy.... am I gonna miss you. But you already know that. At least I get to annoy twice a day for the first month!
9. Sometimes, I think your reality is just a little bit different from mine... like our brains are on different radio stations.... or rather, I'm FM and you're AM or something... but that's alright I guess, as long as we get some sort of brain wave length converter thingie.... oh, you probably aren't following what I'm saying, are you? Ok, I'll just stop now...
10. Relax.
NINE things about yourself:
1. I love to learn about a lot of different things. Often it goes in phases.
2. I am comfortable discussing really gross medical conditions.
3. I also am comfortable discussing bowel movements.
4. I admire people that have a good work ethic.
5. I'm not inclined to read Jane Austen's "Emma", though I've read all of her other works except one, which I intend to read someday.
6. I like (some) fluffy romance novels (as long as they're not inappropriate).
7. I am currently recovering from a Spider Solitaire addiction.
8. I couldn't tie my own shoes until the 2nd grade.
9. I carry on entire conversations with people in my head. (no, I'm not crazy. And guess what-- Cassandra does it, too. It must come with the name...)
EIGHT ways to win your heart:
1. be sincere, thoughtful, reverent, and "kindly understanding"
2. love the gospel
3. commit to being better
4. encourage/uplift/edify/mot
5. be kind to and interested in my family
6. don't be turned off by my weaknesses
7. help me to feel happy/peaceful
8. trust and have faith in me (and let me trust/have faith in you)
SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
1. what's-his-bucket
2. "huh?"
3. being better
4. headaches/migraines
5. for the past few days- that annoying stuffed up feeling in your ears when you have a cold
6. the future
7. the present
SIX things you wish you never did:
1. go there that one time
2. quit piano lessons
3. neglect to call her when she crossed my mind
4. be a jerk in elementary school
5. read The Lovely Bones
6. procrastinate
FIVE turn offs:
1. vulgarity
2. inappropriate jokes
3. being disrespectful to people i love/respect
4. fingernails that are too long
5. dirty fingernails
FOUR turn ons:
1. clean, clipped fingernails
2. friendliness
3. carries on a good conversation with me, despite my occasional funny talking habits
4. thoughtfulness, reverance, and respect
THREE smileys that describe your life:
1. :D
2. :S
3. =D
TWO things you want to do before you die:
1. become fluent in a second language
2. live abroad
ONE confession:
1. unless you're one of two people, your germs are not as good as my germs
03 July 2008
Goals
So, there's this 90 Days Goals group that I am doing. You can see the post on my goals. I think this will be a really good thing for me. I'll put updates on here every once in awhile. :)
18 June 2008
backwards superstition, hearts, and some other thoughts
As of today, it's been one year since Roo passed away.
It's hard to believe it. It seems ike it's been such a long time... and yet a year really is quite short. I am an age she will never be. I have done, and will continue to do things, she will never do.
Perhaps there is a goal in life to see how much of our hearts we can give away. What good does our own heart do the world if we keep it to ourselves? But if we give pieces of it to different people, then when we part ways, those people still carry a part of our hearts. We may feel a pain at that piece being carried far away, but it would be good to remember also that we ourselves recieve portions of other peoples' hearts in return... perhaps with those pieces we are given, we can reconstruct our own, so that our heart becomes a patchwork quilt of the lives we have touched and have been touched by.
That idea sounds good to me. It sounds somewhat romantic, and probably a bit silly. Nonetheless, I like it.
I do not hurt for Roo herself-- she is happy, I am sure-- but rather I hurt for the missing of her. For the time I have spent and will have to spend without her. She has a sizeable chunk of my heart. In return, however, she has nestled herself a tender spot in mine.
That is how it should be, I think. By the end of our lives, our hearts will reflect so much about us. The condition of our hearts will reflect the choices we've made. I think also, though, that how much of our hearts we have given away will be important. And we will hold very dearly (treasure) the pieces of other peoples' hearts given to us.
So, what do you call this day? An anniversary of death? But I recognize it to celebrate a life...
Last Friday was the 7th anniversary of Roo's bone marrow transplant. She recieved the transplant in June of the year 2000 on Friday the 13th. She did things her own way, and where Friday the 13th was concerned, she was superstitious backwards: she considered it a lucky day. That specific day was definately a special one, with a solid miracle.
I wanted to do something special on these days, to remember Roo by. Well, I had a Red Cross appointment today to start volunteering... does that count? Eh, I don't think so much. However, a week from this Friday I'll job shadow at Children's in the oncology ward. So it's not on the 13th or 18th- it's coming up, and I'm excited. I just hope I won't get emotional or anything. I did fine in the Ped's ICU... but then again, I didn't interact much with kids that reminded me of Roo. We'll see how it goes. And-- if I come home at the end of the day and bawl, that's just fine. Every once in a while, a good bawl is called for. I think it has something to do with the heart.
So, Roo... here are some thoughts for you. Thank you for being a sister to me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for your patience with me. Understanding, sympathy, and empathy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and most of all- your heart-, with me. Thank you for helping me to grow. And thank you for the mark you left on me which will be with me throughout the entire rest of my life. In this way, you are still in my life, and I in yours, I'm sure. I pray for you often, and think of you even more. I hope for your happiness, and for the happiness of those dear to you. You continue to be an amazing example to me, and a cherished friend.
God be with you till we meet again. :)
Love,
~Cassanndre
It's hard to believe it. It seems ike it's been such a long time... and yet a year really is quite short. I am an age she will never be. I have done, and will continue to do things, she will never do.
Perhaps there is a goal in life to see how much of our hearts we can give away. What good does our own heart do the world if we keep it to ourselves? But if we give pieces of it to different people, then when we part ways, those people still carry a part of our hearts. We may feel a pain at that piece being carried far away, but it would be good to remember also that we ourselves recieve portions of other peoples' hearts in return... perhaps with those pieces we are given, we can reconstruct our own, so that our heart becomes a patchwork quilt of the lives we have touched and have been touched by.
That idea sounds good to me. It sounds somewhat romantic, and probably a bit silly. Nonetheless, I like it.
I do not hurt for Roo herself-- she is happy, I am sure-- but rather I hurt for the missing of her. For the time I have spent and will have to spend without her. She has a sizeable chunk of my heart. In return, however, she has nestled herself a tender spot in mine.
That is how it should be, I think. By the end of our lives, our hearts will reflect so much about us. The condition of our hearts will reflect the choices we've made. I think also, though, that how much of our hearts we have given away will be important. And we will hold very dearly (treasure) the pieces of other peoples' hearts given to us.
So, what do you call this day? An anniversary of death? But I recognize it to celebrate a life...
Last Friday was the 7th anniversary of Roo's bone marrow transplant. She recieved the transplant in June of the year 2000 on Friday the 13th. She did things her own way, and where Friday the 13th was concerned, she was superstitious backwards: she considered it a lucky day. That specific day was definately a special one, with a solid miracle.
I wanted to do something special on these days, to remember Roo by. Well, I had a Red Cross appointment today to start volunteering... does that count? Eh, I don't think so much. However, a week from this Friday I'll job shadow at Children's in the oncology ward. So it's not on the 13th or 18th- it's coming up, and I'm excited. I just hope I won't get emotional or anything. I did fine in the Ped's ICU... but then again, I didn't interact much with kids that reminded me of Roo. We'll see how it goes. And-- if I come home at the end of the day and bawl, that's just fine. Every once in a while, a good bawl is called for. I think it has something to do with the heart.
So, Roo... here are some thoughts for you. Thank you for being a sister to me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for your patience with me. Understanding, sympathy, and empathy. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and most of all- your heart-, with me. Thank you for helping me to grow. And thank you for the mark you left on me which will be with me throughout the entire rest of my life. In this way, you are still in my life, and I in yours, I'm sure. I pray for you often, and think of you even more. I hope for your happiness, and for the happiness of those dear to you. You continue to be an amazing example to me, and a cherished friend.
God be with you till we meet again. :)
Love,
~Cassanndre
12 June 2008
the happy little slugbug
A conversation with a friend of mine got me thinking....
He said-- "some people are very intelligent with the match tendency to doubt and criticize. Such a person is powerful, but with powerful engines, requires a lot of fuel to maintain a happy amount of energy. A smaller engine, may not see or know much, but is quite happy in ignorance of all things, and requires little fuel to sustain"and I said okay i guess, but I didn't like the idea that the little guy was happier just because he didn't know any better.
So, I'm thinking, what if there are levels? What there's the little slugbug level where he's happy just because he doesn't know any better. Then there's the SUV level or whatever where he's having a harder time being happy 'cuz he's learned some stuff. What if after that there's another level (um.... anologie [too late to splele that word!] difficulty-- airplane????), where the guy has learned even more, but because of that finds it easy to be happy.
I guess that's what I disliked about the little car being the happy one-- Knowledge should make us happy. Or rather, the more Truth we know, the happier we will be because, honestly, the Eternal Truths are pretty awesome, exciting things. They shouldn't get us down.If all we know is getting us down, perhaps we're not seeking after or focusing on the right knowledge...or something like that.
18 May 2008
jumping into a rabbit hole and letting go of the wheel
"Question: how does a girl who falls- no, actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: she doesn't."
Okay, so, some things to get out of my mind...
Firstly, today's Sunday...
I've noticed a focus on integrity today in my lessons at church. It was good for me- refreshing; edifying; etc. One of those days when pretty much everything you hear seems to be directed directly at you (thank you God).
watched a movie that maybe i shouldn't have watched-- esp. on sunday
and yet it's making me think
because it's one of those that would be a pretty good ice cream... if it weren't for all the bugs in it.
i went on a walk with three of my bestest friends-- so fun.
almost... well, we won't go there, but someone did honk at me.... yikes.
I had a dream in which a Fish was telling me about 1 Peter chapter 1. So I read it. There's some good stuff there. Among other things, I learned that obedience (to our Heavenly Father) increases our ability to love. Awesome. I love the scriptures. And dreams. And dreamy guest stars...
So, there are things I'm wondering and would like to get straightened out in my mind... but I'm remembering the Guidance-- take it easy about those things for another month; focus on what really needs to be focused on right now, and then figure out those other things. Prepare yourself in the meantime.
And so, the questions, I will think about a bit, make my peace with for now, and work out the answers when the time is right.
Sounds like a plan, Stan. (Who is this "Stan" anyway?)
Okay, time to do bedtime (and pre-bedtime) stuff.... like dishes.
Tomorrow's a doctor's appointment. I want to swear off triptans.... we'll see what the doctor says.
It's time to say my prayers and go to sleep.
TTFN. :)
"You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."
"I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end... we don't."
(the qoutes are from that little black book movie; pictures are from google searches- gotta love google)
09 May 2008
some favorite qoutes
Because I decided to change my "about me" on facebook (shorten it) and that means I need to store these awesome qoutes somewhere....
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
- Albert Einstein
(with a redneck accent) "This book here is a part of me; it counts as my own flesh and blood!" -Marianne
(me and marianne)
-(qouting bertrand russell) "In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."
-telephone? carpet?? ...
"Live your life as though there is great joy to be experienced... an abundance of goodness in each person you come in contact with, and the knowledge that you have enough inner wisdom to answer the mysteries that challenge you." -Meladee McCarty
"Those who truly understand love know it must be basically simple, continuing, and sincere." ~Marvin J Ashton
♫ “Patience … helps us to realize that while we may be ready to move on, having had enough of a particular learning experience, our continuing presence is often a needed part of the learning environment of others.” -Neal A Maxwell
♫ "For now, we simply concentrate on … what we have been asked to do today.” -Dallin H Oaks
♫ "Indecision may or may not be my problem." -Jimmy Buffett
"Dressing like a bum is one thing; dressing like a hungover bum is another entirely." -Rob
"If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?" -Laurence J Peter
"Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal." -unknown (qouted by pres. monson)
“Don’t save something only for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion.” -unknown (qouted by pres monson)
"Marianne has her awesome Pride and Prejudice force" -Mary
"You must dare to disassociate yourself from those who would delay your journey... Leave, depart, if not physically, then mentally. Go your own way, quietly, undramatically, and venture toward trueness at last." -Vernon Howard (its beautiful!)
"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." --teddy roosevelt
"Hi God! Let's talk about boys!" -Mary
"I am Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios!" -Christine
"...we are born again by degrees, and we are born again to added light and added knowledge and added desires for righteousness as we keep the commandments.” -Bruce R. McConkie
"The Atonement of Jesus Christ and the healing it offers do much more than provide the opportunity for repentance from sins. The Atonement also gives us the strength to endure 'pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind,' because our Savior also took upon Him 'the pains and the sicknesses of his people' (Alma 7:11). Brothers and sisters, if your faith and prayers and the power of the priesthood do not heal you from an affliction, the power of the Atonement will surely give you the strength to bear the burden."
-Dallin H. Oaks
"How's it feel to be 18?!"
"well, I'm not 18 for another 10 minutes..."
"If facebook has updated your age, then your 18" -Coral & me
"you only liked him because if you stuck him in the right light, you could see through him" -peter
"I'm a little worried- it has an unusual smell radiating from it..." -mary about her soup concoction
"I want hominy in my hamburger!" -bro chesley
"Are you anything akin to me, do you think, Jane? ... Because... I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you — especially when you are near to me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous Channel, and two hundred miles or so of land, come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapped; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly." (Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre)
"Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God's feet, equal — as we are!" (Jane from Jane Eyre)
"You have to understand that the pursuit of happiness is a mistake. It's like, you don't chase happiness out there. You learn that you're happy inside you, and then you go running." -some guy qouting some other guy
"I was a little afraid because I thought he was a mental [asylum] escapee and he wouldn't hand me my soap!" -mary
"Welcome to real life, Cassanndre, where we have ceilings and roofs. ... It's a ceiling, and to people on the other side, it's a roof!" -Marianne
"There's no smell!" -me, apparently, a year ago
"We are without a lack of no no smell" -me, also, but not a year ago
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.
- Albert Einstein
(with a redneck accent) "This book here is a part of me; it counts as my own flesh and blood!" -Marianne
(me and marianne)
-(qouting bertrand russell) "In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."
-telephone? carpet?? ...
"Live your life as though there is great joy to be experienced... an abundance of goodness in each person you come in contact with, and the knowledge that you have enough inner wisdom to answer the mysteries that challenge you." -Meladee McCarty
"Those who truly understand love know it must be basically simple, continuing, and sincere." ~Marvin J Ashton
♫ “Patience … helps us to realize that while we may be ready to move on, having had enough of a particular learning experience, our continuing presence is often a needed part of the learning environment of others.” -Neal A Maxwell
♫ "For now, we simply concentrate on … what we have been asked to do today.” -Dallin H Oaks
♫ "Indecision may or may not be my problem." -Jimmy Buffett
"Dressing like a bum is one thing; dressing like a hungover bum is another entirely." -Rob
"If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?" -Laurence J Peter
"Success is the progressive realization of a worthy ideal." -unknown (qouted by pres. monson)
“Don’t save something only for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion.” -unknown (qouted by pres monson)
"Marianne has her awesome Pride and Prejudice force" -Mary
"You must dare to disassociate yourself from those who would delay your journey... Leave, depart, if not physically, then mentally. Go your own way, quietly, undramatically, and venture toward trueness at last." -Vernon Howard (its beautiful!)
"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." --teddy roosevelt
"Hi God! Let's talk about boys!" -Mary
"I am Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios!" -Christine
"...we are born again by degrees, and we are born again to added light and added knowledge and added desires for righteousness as we keep the commandments.” -Bruce R. McConkie
"The Atonement of Jesus Christ and the healing it offers do much more than provide the opportunity for repentance from sins. The Atonement also gives us the strength to endure 'pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind,' because our Savior also took upon Him 'the pains and the sicknesses of his people' (Alma 7:11). Brothers and sisters, if your faith and prayers and the power of the priesthood do not heal you from an affliction, the power of the Atonement will surely give you the strength to bear the burden."
-Dallin H. Oaks
"How's it feel to be 18?!"
"well, I'm not 18 for another 10 minutes..."
"If facebook has updated your age, then your 18" -Coral & me
"you only liked him because if you stuck him in the right light, you could see through him" -peter
"I'm a little worried- it has an unusual smell radiating from it..." -mary about her soup concoction
"I want hominy in my hamburger!" -bro chesley
"Are you anything akin to me, do you think, Jane? ... Because... I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you — especially when you are near to me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous Channel, and two hundred miles or so of land, come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapped; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly." (Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre)
"Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God's feet, equal — as we are!" (Jane from Jane Eyre)
"You have to understand that the pursuit of happiness is a mistake. It's like, you don't chase happiness out there. You learn that you're happy inside you, and then you go running." -some guy qouting some other guy
"I was a little afraid because I thought he was a mental [asylum] escapee and he wouldn't hand me my soap!" -mary
"Welcome to real life, Cassanndre, where we have ceilings and roofs. ... It's a ceiling, and to people on the other side, it's a roof!" -Marianne
"There's no smell!" -me, apparently, a year ago
"We are without a lack of no no smell" -me, also, but not a year ago
04 May 2008
i love my little sister
(I almost titled this note: "A Child's Prayer")
So, my youngest sister is ten years old and, as anyone who knows me well knows, annoys the heck out of me regularly (actually, that's not true, because if she really had "annoyed the heck" out of me, i would "have no more disposition to do evil"...). Despite this, I do acknowledge that the girl has a gift for saying beautiful prayers.
Today's prayer on dinner was... well... I just give you the highlights:
"We thank thee for this beautiful family which thou hast created and for the love we've built and have for each other..." (absolutely beautiful- I totally agree with her gratitude in that!)
a few sentences later came:
"...and please bless the ill that they may be a little ill, but not die..."
Do you think God will forgive me for my barely contained and irreverent laughter?
So, my youngest sister is ten years old and, as anyone who knows me well knows, annoys the heck out of me regularly (actually, that's not true, because if she really had "annoyed the heck" out of me, i would "have no more disposition to do evil"...). Despite this, I do acknowledge that the girl has a gift for saying beautiful prayers.
Today's prayer on dinner was... well... I just give you the highlights:
"We thank thee for this beautiful family which thou hast created and for the love we've built and have for each other..." (absolutely beautiful- I totally agree with her gratitude in that!)
a few sentences later came:
"...and please bless the ill that they may be a little ill, but not die..."
Do you think God will forgive me for my barely contained and irreverent laughter?
15 April 2008
07 April 2008
it's a wonderful life!
So, pretty much, I'm in a place where I'm happy with my life at the moment. Not to say that it's not difficult, because it is. There are a lot of things going on that I could very well stress out about-- which I have stressed out about, and even panicked about a time or two.
But overall, I am happy with my life because I know that I'm living it as my Father in Heaven would have me. There are soo many things up in the air (school, friends, health, etc) that I honestly have almost no idea how they'll turn out. I do, however, have the knowledge that I have the Spirit in my life. I have little promptings here and there which remind me that I am living how I should be living. Not perfectly-- definately not perfectly. But I'm dealing with my imperfections and I'm going through the life process of growing and maturing. I can see lessons I'm learning, and I understand that there are many ways I'm growing which I don't even recognize (and of course, many ways I have yet to grow). I might freak out from time to time; there might some trials that are especially difficult; but honestly, this process is nothing new. It's part of that wondrous Plan and I feel comforted in knowing that I am growing as my Father would have me do. Knowing this helps me to have the faith that everything will work out just fine in the end (and the eternal end, too!).
On a sidenote: conference was wonderful. I loved the talks and saw a couple themes there just for me. I took great notes, but not as anal retentively as normal, which left me thinking room for hearing what the Spirit had to tell me (and thus take note of that and not just what the speaker was talking of).
I also got to hold hands with a boy. (gasp!) That also helped to contribute to more conservative note-taking. But don't worry- I didn't let it get in the way of the really important things I had to take note of! (Sorry, I can't hold your hand right now because I need to write something down.... again.... like I did just a moment ago.... and will probably do again in another minute....)
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some conference notes to read over and ponder on. (I didn't get the themes I noticed written down for the Sunday sessions like I did for the Saturday ones.) Then some scripture reading. I am making a go at Isaiah. Wish me luck. (I'm currently in the chapters that overlap with 2 Nephi and am thusly reading from there. So far it's not as bad--- tricky-- as I expected. :D) I also have some praying to do, because prayer is awesome.
Oh, that's another thing. You know what's absolutely awesome? When you don't have an answer for someone, being able to say, "I really really don't know! But guess what?! God does! Go ask Him!" I love that! It totally made my day yesterday, and I think it worked out for my Friend, too!
Okay, gute Nacht! Und haben Sie su"sse Trau"me! Schlafen Sie gut!
But overall, I am happy with my life because I know that I'm living it as my Father in Heaven would have me. There are soo many things up in the air (school, friends, health, etc) that I honestly have almost no idea how they'll turn out. I do, however, have the knowledge that I have the Spirit in my life. I have little promptings here and there which remind me that I am living how I should be living. Not perfectly-- definately not perfectly. But I'm dealing with my imperfections and I'm going through the life process of growing and maturing. I can see lessons I'm learning, and I understand that there are many ways I'm growing which I don't even recognize (and of course, many ways I have yet to grow). I might freak out from time to time; there might some trials that are especially difficult; but honestly, this process is nothing new. It's part of that wondrous Plan and I feel comforted in knowing that I am growing as my Father would have me do. Knowing this helps me to have the faith that everything will work out just fine in the end (and the eternal end, too!).
On a sidenote: conference was wonderful. I loved the talks and saw a couple themes there just for me. I took great notes, but not as anal retentively as normal, which left me thinking room for hearing what the Spirit had to tell me (and thus take note of that and not just what the speaker was talking of).
I also got to hold hands with a boy. (gasp!) That also helped to contribute to more conservative note-taking. But don't worry- I didn't let it get in the way of the really important things I had to take note of! (Sorry, I can't hold your hand right now because I need to write something down.... again.... like I did just a moment ago.... and will probably do again in another minute....)
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some conference notes to read over and ponder on. (I didn't get the themes I noticed written down for the Sunday sessions like I did for the Saturday ones.) Then some scripture reading. I am making a go at Isaiah. Wish me luck. (I'm currently in the chapters that overlap with 2 Nephi and am thusly reading from there. So far it's not as bad--- tricky-- as I expected. :D) I also have some praying to do, because prayer is awesome.
Oh, that's another thing. You know what's absolutely awesome? When you don't have an answer for someone, being able to say, "I really really don't know! But guess what?! God does! Go ask Him!" I love that! It totally made my day yesterday, and I think it worked out for my Friend, too!
Okay, gute Nacht! Und haben Sie su"sse Trau"me! Schlafen Sie gut!
24 March 2008
learning and growing experiences
A few things are bouncing about in my brain tonight. Firstly, is an idea I had while listening to FBI Agent O'Riley talk to us in FHE ("Family Home Evening"-- I've started attending the local singles' ward's FHE) about self defense. Secondly, are some lines from the hymn God Speed the Right. And lastly, some thoughts about peace.
So, first off-- Brother (I'm 95% confident he's Mormon) Agent O'Riley was talking about how adrenaline affects us in situations where we need to defend ourselves. He drilled into our heads the fact that there are inevitable physiological reactions to psychological experiences. Physiology and psychology go hand in. When someone comes after us with a knife, we naturally get kind of freaked out- that is a psychological reaction. Along with it, comes the adrenaline rush (physiological). Tunnel vision. Exaggerated gross motor skills, but poor fine motor skills (don't even try to play the flute when being attacked). And so on. He talked about using those physiological reactions to our advantage and not letting them take advantage of us. (Punching, kicking, and shoving an attacker however you can will be much easier than trying to contort their fingers or strategically land a ninja-style kick.)
Related this same statement he made, was the statement which I wrote down (in the little notebook that travels with me everywhere for just this purpose): We cannot control our physiological reaction, but we can (at least to an extent) control our psychological reactions. I found that piece of advice particularly applicable to me.
I cannot change that fact that when I get really anxious, I also get really nauseous. I can't change the fact that stress- whether it be actually "stressing out" or merely mental or physical exertion- results in a pronounced physiological response for me. I get migraines; I throw up; I become (easily) exhausted; I get sore all over; I can't think clearly; I end up doing nothing but staying at home.
These things I cannot change. That is just how my body and mind are wired togethor. Maybe, over time, that will change, but for now, that's my reality.
What I can do, however, is control (to a significant extent) the psychological triggers for these unpleasant physiological experiences. I can train myself to be more calm. I can manage time better. I can learn and then abide to my limits. I can change those limits by slowly adhering to and then pushing them ever so slightly, yet steadily. I can change the way I think, and thusly, I can change the way I physically feel.
I'm not saying that I can cure myself of my nausea, migraines, IBS.... by changing the way I think-- by changing my instincts-- but I can definately put myself in a much better position. Emotional and Spiritual health are much more important than physical health. Of course the three are related- tightly interwoven- but notice how if one were to take physical health out of the picture it is still possible to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. But a removal spiritual health results in a disintigration of emotional health (and vice versa) and often results in a decline in physical health as well.
Strengthening ourselves emotionally and spiritually gives us the power to deal with physical struggles.
Having the Spirit in our lives can do so much for us in so many different ways. Being spiritually healthy on occasion will cure ailments, but more importantly- it always provides strength to endure. I think, also, that it can help catalyze medical treatment. Let me explain.
Recently (in the past month or so) I have begun to feel better. It's amazing. I keep waiting for this upswing in my health to stop, but so far it hasn't. I still am sick much of the time. I still throw up. I still get migraines. But they affect me less. The migraines are less often and less severe. The nausea is still constant, but less noticeable (yes- thanks in large part to the lovely zofran). I have, overall, been able to do more (I'll post more about that sometime soon, I guess). I have been able to see people more often, stick to commitments, etc. etc. It's been amazing. I was trying to figure out last week or the week prior what might have triggered this change. Was it a change in medication? Diet? Exercise? Routine?.... Something had to trigger this change.
And then I figured it out.
I started feeling better (gradually yes, but still noticeably) right around the time I seriously committed myself to having the Spirit in my life more. In making my spiritual well-being a priority, I was blessed by an improvement in my physical (and emotional) health.
The "little things" (reading your scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping Christ in mind) really do make all the difference. They open the door for the Spirit, and allow us to be influenced and blessed by it. I am so grateful for this. I understand that my physical health will fluctuate, that's just the nature of what I have to endure, but my ability to cope- to deal-, with health problems will continue to improve; as will my happiness and peace.
Peace is very interesting. I have a tendency to freak out. I don't get panic attacks all that often any more, but my anxiety level is still higher than the "average" person's. I usually think of myself as having it under control, but lately, with all the things I've had to worry about, my anxiety levels have been a bit higher than my own average. I have even had a few panic attacks. Nonetheless, I have found that it is still possible to have peace. (I wrote about a particular experience here.) I realized after FHE (and commented on it to Excellent Friend) that I was feeling peaceful. Today has been up and down for me (feeling crappy, but then not too bad; worrying about school, but then having some things resolved; stressful things with family....), and I have a good amount of things that I could be worried about. It wouldn't be unexpected if I had a panic attack as a result. I was definately worrying about these things earlier today. But, once again, I found that Heavenly Father and our Savior- if I let them- can instill in me a sense of peace- a knowledge that everything will turn out alright, even if there appears to be no possible solution. With this peace, I am reassured. I am given the extra boost in faith and strength that I need to endure. The resolution, or Happy Ending, may not happen for quite awhile, but it will happen. That's what matters. And even though there are many reasons for me to "freak out", and even though it would be very reasonable for me to worry, in this moment I am able to be calm and assured.
I understand that this feeling will leave me. But I can find comfort in knowing that what that feeling testifies of will not change. If I get distracted from that feeling and start to freak out, it doesn't change the Truth. Everything will be alright. Christ will take care of me. All I need to do is live my life so that I am allowing Him to.
While talking about this to Excellent Friend, I realized something else about it. I need to actively seek after that feeling of peace more. Instead of waiting to be in a spiritual setting that gives me that peace, I need to adapt my life so that I am bringing that peace to it. I know that I can do this, and I know I'm on the right track to doing it. That's so nice to know. I also know that I will be happier and able to accomplish more and become better by bringing that peace into my life.
E. Friend had a tough evening, and I surprised myself when I sat down next to him by not questioning him about what was on his mind. Normally my curiosity gets the best of me and I try to get people to talk to me. I want to know what's wrong, and how I can help. Tonight I was thoroughly curious and concerned. But somehow, I managed to heed the prompting that I didn't need to ask him all about it. I have recently begun to be more patient. Slowly this new wisdom has been planting itself in my brain. People will tell me things when they're ready to. I just need to let them know I'm there to love them, and that I'm willing to listen IF and when they are ready to talk. If they don't talk to me about it (and I have made sure they understand that I am there for them whenever they need me) then obviously it doesn't need to be talked about to me. So for the most part, I have recently been more able to curb my curiosity. It's fascinating.
So, as I sat with my Friend, I decided that while I let him think, I would do some thinking myself. I prayed. I pondered. And I asked for help and guidance.
Randomly popping into my mind were lines from a hymn. Thankfully (since I could only remember the first two lines), a hymn book was right next to me and I was able to look up the song. God Speed the Right. Part of the second verse caught my attention.
Ideas about this are beginning to come to my mind, but they need some serious thinking and time to develop enough for me to come to any conclusion. I want insight from other people.
So, dear readers (yes, that means you, Magnificent Friend; and...- do I have any other readers?), I'd like some feedback. How does it work? --How can we be defeated, and yet not despair? How can fail, yet fail with glory?
It's an intriguing notion. I think that understanding this concept might just be part of "[putting] off the natural man", and coming to see and understand life and everything else as God does.
Those are my thoughts for this evening. Good night, and I'll try to start posting regularly again.
So, first off-- Brother (I'm 95% confident he's Mormon) Agent O'Riley was talking about how adrenaline affects us in situations where we need to defend ourselves. He drilled into our heads the fact that there are inevitable physiological reactions to psychological experiences. Physiology and psychology go hand in. When someone comes after us with a knife, we naturally get kind of freaked out- that is a psychological reaction. Along with it, comes the adrenaline rush (physiological). Tunnel vision. Exaggerated gross motor skills, but poor fine motor skills (don't even try to play the flute when being attacked). And so on. He talked about using those physiological reactions to our advantage and not letting them take advantage of us. (Punching, kicking, and shoving an attacker however you can will be much easier than trying to contort their fingers or strategically land a ninja-style kick.)
Related this same statement he made, was the statement which I wrote down (in the little notebook that travels with me everywhere for just this purpose): We cannot control our physiological reaction, but we can (at least to an extent) control our psychological reactions. I found that piece of advice particularly applicable to me.
I cannot change that fact that when I get really anxious, I also get really nauseous. I can't change the fact that stress- whether it be actually "stressing out" or merely mental or physical exertion- results in a pronounced physiological response for me. I get migraines; I throw up; I become (easily) exhausted; I get sore all over; I can't think clearly; I end up doing nothing but staying at home.
These things I cannot change. That is just how my body and mind are wired togethor. Maybe, over time, that will change, but for now, that's my reality.
What I can do, however, is control (to a significant extent) the psychological triggers for these unpleasant physiological experiences. I can train myself to be more calm. I can manage time better. I can learn and then abide to my limits. I can change those limits by slowly adhering to and then pushing them ever so slightly, yet steadily. I can change the way I think, and thusly, I can change the way I physically feel.
I'm not saying that I can cure myself of my nausea, migraines, IBS.... by changing the way I think-- by changing my instincts-- but I can definately put myself in a much better position. Emotional and Spiritual health are much more important than physical health. Of course the three are related- tightly interwoven- but notice how if one were to take physical health out of the picture it is still possible to be emotionally and spiritually healthy. But a removal spiritual health results in a disintigration of emotional health (and vice versa) and often results in a decline in physical health as well.
Strengthening ourselves emotionally and spiritually gives us the power to deal with physical struggles.
Having the Spirit in our lives can do so much for us in so many different ways. Being spiritually healthy on occasion will cure ailments, but more importantly- it always provides strength to endure. I think, also, that it can help catalyze medical treatment. Let me explain.
Recently (in the past month or so) I have begun to feel better. It's amazing. I keep waiting for this upswing in my health to stop, but so far it hasn't. I still am sick much of the time. I still throw up. I still get migraines. But they affect me less. The migraines are less often and less severe. The nausea is still constant, but less noticeable (yes- thanks in large part to the lovely zofran). I have, overall, been able to do more (I'll post more about that sometime soon, I guess). I have been able to see people more often, stick to commitments, etc. etc. It's been amazing. I was trying to figure out last week or the week prior what might have triggered this change. Was it a change in medication? Diet? Exercise? Routine?.... Something had to trigger this change.
And then I figured it out.
I started feeling better (gradually yes, but still noticeably) right around the time I seriously committed myself to having the Spirit in my life more. In making my spiritual well-being a priority, I was blessed by an improvement in my physical (and emotional) health.
The "little things" (reading your scriptures, praying, going to church, keeping Christ in mind) really do make all the difference. They open the door for the Spirit, and allow us to be influenced and blessed by it. I am so grateful for this. I understand that my physical health will fluctuate, that's just the nature of what I have to endure, but my ability to cope- to deal-, with health problems will continue to improve; as will my happiness and peace.
Peace is very interesting. I have a tendency to freak out. I don't get panic attacks all that often any more, but my anxiety level is still higher than the "average" person's. I usually think of myself as having it under control, but lately, with all the things I've had to worry about, my anxiety levels have been a bit higher than my own average. I have even had a few panic attacks. Nonetheless, I have found that it is still possible to have peace. (I wrote about a particular experience here.) I realized after FHE (and commented on it to Excellent Friend) that I was feeling peaceful. Today has been up and down for me (feeling crappy, but then not too bad; worrying about school, but then having some things resolved; stressful things with family....), and I have a good amount of things that I could be worried about. It wouldn't be unexpected if I had a panic attack as a result. I was definately worrying about these things earlier today. But, once again, I found that Heavenly Father and our Savior- if I let them- can instill in me a sense of peace- a knowledge that everything will turn out alright, even if there appears to be no possible solution. With this peace, I am reassured. I am given the extra boost in faith and strength that I need to endure. The resolution, or Happy Ending, may not happen for quite awhile, but it will happen. That's what matters. And even though there are many reasons for me to "freak out", and even though it would be very reasonable for me to worry, in this moment I am able to be calm and assured.
I understand that this feeling will leave me. But I can find comfort in knowing that what that feeling testifies of will not change. If I get distracted from that feeling and start to freak out, it doesn't change the Truth. Everything will be alright. Christ will take care of me. All I need to do is live my life so that I am allowing Him to.
While talking about this to Excellent Friend, I realized something else about it. I need to actively seek after that feeling of peace more. Instead of waiting to be in a spiritual setting that gives me that peace, I need to adapt my life so that I am bringing that peace to it. I know that I can do this, and I know I'm on the right track to doing it. That's so nice to know. I also know that I will be happier and able to accomplish more and become better by bringing that peace into my life.
E. Friend had a tough evening, and I surprised myself when I sat down next to him by not questioning him about what was on his mind. Normally my curiosity gets the best of me and I try to get people to talk to me. I want to know what's wrong, and how I can help. Tonight I was thoroughly curious and concerned. But somehow, I managed to heed the prompting that I didn't need to ask him all about it. I have recently begun to be more patient. Slowly this new wisdom has been planting itself in my brain. People will tell me things when they're ready to. I just need to let them know I'm there to love them, and that I'm willing to listen IF and when they are ready to talk. If they don't talk to me about it (and I have made sure they understand that I am there for them whenever they need me) then obviously it doesn't need to be talked about to me. So for the most part, I have recently been more able to curb my curiosity. It's fascinating.
So, as I sat with my Friend, I decided that while I let him think, I would do some thinking myself. I prayed. I pondered. And I asked for help and guidance.
Randomly popping into my mind were lines from a hymn. Thankfully (since I could only remember the first two lines), a hymn book was right next to me and I was able to look up the song. God Speed the Right. Part of the second verse caught my attention.
Ne’er despairing, though defeated,I'm going to be thinking about those lines for the next couple of days. I believe that it's possible to be defeated and yet not despair. To fail, but fail in glory. It is a very intriguing idea to me, because that perspective is not one that comes naturally to me. Man, and especially, I think, the American Culture, has this idea that winning is glory, and to loose, fail, or be defeated-- is awful. We must, at all costs, avoid failure. The idea that failure might not be that bad- that idea is so completely foreign. It is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around it. It just is not how I have been conditioned to think.
God speed the right.
Like the great and good in story,
If we fail, we fail with glory.
Ideas about this are beginning to come to my mind, but they need some serious thinking and time to develop enough for me to come to any conclusion. I want insight from other people.
So, dear readers (yes, that means you, Magnificent Friend; and...- do I have any other readers?), I'd like some feedback. How does it work? --How can we be defeated, and yet not despair? How can fail, yet fail with glory?
It's an intriguing notion. I think that understanding this concept might just be part of "[putting] off the natural man", and coming to see and understand life and everything else as God does.
Those are my thoughts for this evening. Good night, and I'll try to start posting regularly again.
28 February 2008
a sobering truth, and hope
My step-dad's career is in Emergency Management. As a result, he gets some pretty interesting training. He's had medical training, gone to "bomb camp" (learned how devastating IED's can be and how to deal with them), and this week had some training concerning terrorism. He commented to me on how today they had shown him some pretty sobering videos. One was a terrorist attack targeting elementary aged students.
Another was a five year-old boy talking about how he couldn't wait to grow up. Pretty normal, right? Except that this little boy wasn't excited about being able to drive, not having chores, becoming president, having money, or getting to do whatever he wanted, like most five year-olds I know are. This little boy (from somewhere on the other side of the world) couldn't wait to grow up because then he could help kill Jews and Americans.
What can you say to that?
How do you fight that level of indoctrination?
Can it be fought?
For me, it brings to mind the flood.
In the third chapter of 2 Timothy Paul talks about the last days- our days:
Nephi talked about it:
Mormon talked about how the earth would be in our days as well:
Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said,
The difference between our day and Noah's? God will not send a flood this time. It will get worse and worse until the coming of the Savior. (Mathew 24:37)
I remember talking in seminary about why God sent the flood. Sure, everyone was pretty darn wicked and such, but was that really a cause for destroying almost every single human being on the earth? If God is a God of love, then why would He wipe everyone out? At the bottom of Genesis 8 in my Bible, I have written a(nother) quote from Neal A. Maxwell, concerning the flood:
How sad! How tragic to have one's life so ripped away- not by death, but by wickedness.
But God isn't going to intervene this time like He did before. He has restored His Gospel to the Earth. It is up to us to reach out and teach people- to give them a chance at living their lives happily, instead of being consumed by the wickedness that dominates today. Yet, it is still a sad fact that many people will live out their lives with untapped agency, and thus happiness.
How glad I am for the second Article of Faith, which states that "men will be punished for their own sins," For this I am thankful. Our little boy still has a chance at happiness in life after death.
There is still hope, no matter how wicked the world becomes.
Another was a five year-old boy talking about how he couldn't wait to grow up. Pretty normal, right? Except that this little boy wasn't excited about being able to drive, not having chores, becoming president, having money, or getting to do whatever he wanted, like most five year-olds I know are. This little boy (from somewhere on the other side of the world) couldn't wait to grow up because then he could help kill Jews and Americans.
What can you say to that?
How do you fight that level of indoctrination?
Can it be fought?
For me, it brings to mind the flood.
And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually....The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for th earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth. -Genesis 6:5,7,11-13
In the third chapter of 2 Timothy Paul talks about the last days- our days:
This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.... men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, without natural affection, accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof...
Nephi talked about it:
But, behold, in the last days, or in the days of the Gentiles—yea, behold all the nations of the Gentiles and also the Jews, both those who shall come upon this land and those who shall be upon other lands, yea, even upon all the lands of the earth, behold, they will be drunken with iniquity and all manner of abominations—
Mormon talked about how the earth would be in our days as well:
And it shall come in a day when the blood of saints shall cry unto the Lord, because of secret combinations and the works of darkness. Yea, it shall come in a day when the power of God shall be denied, and churches become defiled and be lifted up in the pride of their hearts; yea, even in a day when leaders of churches and teachers shall rise in the pride of their hearts, even to the envying of them who belong to their churches. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be heard of fires, and tempests, and vapors of smoke in foreign lands; And there shall also be heard of wars, rumors of wars, and earthquakes in divers places. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth; there shall be murders, and robbing, and lying, and deceivings, and whoredoms, and all manner of abominations; when there shall be many who will say, Do this, or do that, and it mattereth not, for the Lord will uphold such at the last. But wo unto such, for they are in the gall of bitterness and in the bonds of iniquity. Yea, it shall come in a day when there shall be churches built up that shall say: Come unto me, and for your money you shall be forgiven of your sins.
Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said,
Just as foretold, our days are fast resembling the days of Noah, especially notable for their pattern of corruption and violence.
The difference between our day and Noah's? God will not send a flood this time. It will get worse and worse until the coming of the Savior. (Mathew 24:37)
I remember talking in seminary about why God sent the flood. Sure, everyone was pretty darn wicked and such, but was that really a cause for destroying almost every single human being on the earth? If God is a God of love, then why would He wipe everyone out? At the bottom of Genesis 8 in my Bible, I have written a(nother) quote from Neal A. Maxwell, concerning the flood:
God intervened when corruption reached an agency disrupting point.Basically, the people of Noah's time had gotten so wicked that it was impossible for free agency to remain intact. Such is the case today, as exhibited by that little boy I mentioned. He is being indoctrinated at such a young age that there is little hope of him ever believing anything other than what he has now learned. His ability to discern right from wrong has been severed in a manner which seriously disrupts his ability to use his free agency.
How sad! How tragic to have one's life so ripped away- not by death, but by wickedness.
But God isn't going to intervene this time like He did before. He has restored His Gospel to the Earth. It is up to us to reach out and teach people- to give them a chance at living their lives happily, instead of being consumed by the wickedness that dominates today. Yet, it is still a sad fact that many people will live out their lives with untapped agency, and thus happiness.
How glad I am for the second Article of Faith, which states that "men will be punished for their own sins," For this I am thankful. Our little boy still has a chance at happiness in life after death.
There is still hope, no matter how wicked the world becomes.
25 February 2008
some awesome qoutes
The ultimate defining fact for all of us is that we are children of Heavenly Parents, born on this earth for a purpose, and born with a divine destiny. Whenever any of those other notions, whatever they may be, gets in the way of that ultimate defining fact, then it is destructive and it leads us down the wrong path.Dallin H Oaks
Neal A Maxwell
Patience … helps us to realize that while we may be ready to move on, having had enough of a particular learning experience, our continuing presence is often a needed part of the learning environment of others.
Dallin H Oaks
For now, we simply concentrate on … what we have been asked to do today.
Heber J Grant
Mr. Devil, shut up.
because i am just awesome like that
24 February 2008
this feeling is peace
There's a lot to be grateful for. On my mind at the moment are xenox, my parents, peace(think this song), and eternal truths.
This morning I struggled. I knew I needed to feel the Spirit. I needed the guidance and comfort. I was feeling anxious, and just couldn't shake the feeling. Anxiety has a way of clouding one's mind. It keeps out comfort, guidance, enlightenment- all things that would offer peace. I took my mom up on her offer to take a xenox- not something I do regularly, mind you, but I believe I was having a bit of a panic attack, and in the interest of getting the anxiety enough out of the way for me to be able to accept the peace that Heavenly Father can give, I decided it was worth it.
Church is wonderful. The atmosphere, people, and sense of community are a part of that, but even more- the gospel truths being taught at church are wonderful. The guidance and comfort that can be obtained there are nothing short of amazing. I absolutely love how it causes me to refocus on the important things, and, more specifically, on truths.
Eternal truths are another amazing thing. To think that behind the endless expanse that is the universe, there exist orders and laws that govern not only the motion of the planets, but provide a means to pure and eternal happiness- what joy! What sweet and wonderful, blissful joy.
Just as breathtaking is the fact that we, dust of the Earth that we are, can know and reap the blessings of these truths. Our loving Father in Heaven speaks to us today through prophets so that we may know the truths necessary to our eternal salvation, progression and happiness. I am nothing short of amazed and grateful.
On a more personal note, my parents are wonderful. Sure, I disagree with them about some things (media preferences &c), I may roll my eyes at them from time to time (and sometimes may even be almost justified in it), but when it comes down to it, they are nothing short of amazing, admirable, spiritual, and loving people. They are parents I am glad and grateful to have. Their testimonies, their common sense, ability to teach and lead our family, and their love leaves me with a smile on my face, tears in my eyes, and a sappy warm feeling in my heart. I watch them handle the critical things, and find them not wanting, but excelling. In that- what I think the most necessary parental quality next only to love- I hope to emulate them. For that, I am grateful to them.
Isn't peace an interesting thing? I woke up this morning feeling anxious, and probably got to the point where I was suffering a mild panic attack. None of the things that caused me anxiety this morning have been resolved. Despite this, I feel peace- a quiet reassurance that everything will be alright and I need not worry so much, but trust in my Father.
All may not be right with the world, but I am at peace with it.
This morning I struggled. I knew I needed to feel the Spirit. I needed the guidance and comfort. I was feeling anxious, and just couldn't shake the feeling. Anxiety has a way of clouding one's mind. It keeps out comfort, guidance, enlightenment- all things that would offer peace. I took my mom up on her offer to take a xenox- not something I do regularly, mind you, but I believe I was having a bit of a panic attack, and in the interest of getting the anxiety enough out of the way for me to be able to accept the peace that Heavenly Father can give, I decided it was worth it.
Church is wonderful. The atmosphere, people, and sense of community are a part of that, but even more- the gospel truths being taught at church are wonderful. The guidance and comfort that can be obtained there are nothing short of amazing. I absolutely love how it causes me to refocus on the important things, and, more specifically, on truths.
Eternal truths are another amazing thing. To think that behind the endless expanse that is the universe, there exist orders and laws that govern not only the motion of the planets, but provide a means to pure and eternal happiness- what joy! What sweet and wonderful, blissful joy.
Just as breathtaking is the fact that we, dust of the Earth that we are, can know and reap the blessings of these truths. Our loving Father in Heaven speaks to us today through prophets so that we may know the truths necessary to our eternal salvation, progression and happiness. I am nothing short of amazed and grateful.
On a more personal note, my parents are wonderful. Sure, I disagree with them about some things (media preferences &c), I may roll my eyes at them from time to time (and sometimes may even be almost justified in it), but when it comes down to it, they are nothing short of amazing, admirable, spiritual, and loving people. They are parents I am glad and grateful to have. Their testimonies, their common sense, ability to teach and lead our family, and their love leaves me with a smile on my face, tears in my eyes, and a sappy warm feeling in my heart. I watch them handle the critical things, and find them not wanting, but excelling. In that- what I think the most necessary parental quality next only to love- I hope to emulate them. For that, I am grateful to them.
Isn't peace an interesting thing? I woke up this morning feeling anxious, and probably got to the point where I was suffering a mild panic attack. None of the things that caused me anxiety this morning have been resolved. Despite this, I feel peace- a quiet reassurance that everything will be alright and I need not worry so much, but trust in my Father.
All may not be right with the world, but I am at peace with it.
19 February 2008
the medicine of friendship
I woke up this morning thankfully sans migraine, but unfortunately not sans anything else. Nausea was there, but what I noticed most was the mental and physical feeling of pure fatigue. My muscles felt more than just tired or sore. I felt as if my body were missing some substance which kept it from wilting, for I felt as if I were, indeed wilting.
I'm pretty certain that I've been struggling a bit with my depression. I'm glad I recognize it. I think the fatigue can be blamed partly on some depression. I've had a growing disinterest, or apathy, for things which I normally have a high amount of energy and concern for.
I think I might be trying so hard to not stress out about school that I have become a bit apathetic towards it. Towards my future. Towards my religion. My music. I have even begun to feel apathy towards my friends from time to time. It might be because it's easier to be apathetic than it is to worry overmuch.
But I digress-- I was not feeling well today. Physically I was exhausted, mentally I was foggy at best, and emotionally I was depressed. I felt that feeling of hopelessness weighing on me, even as I dared to hope for little things.
Usually I hope for comfort and company. I miss my friends a great deal.
I played some solitaire (spider- the best kind), hoping to distract myself. I practiced my flute- hoping that playing would get some emotion out, and release the pressure pent up inside my chest. I was texting a friend, trying to figure out when I'd get to see him next. I felt as if I were in a fog of apathetic depression (or would it be depressed apathy??).
Such was my state when the lovely Christine called. Just to say hi. She had plans for the evening with a friend of ours, and I found myself interested... I wanted to see them both. I didn't care so much what we were doing, but the thought of their company thrilled me. I think I may very well have been craving the interaction.
I got ready quickly and was picked up, and off we went. The evening didn't go as I thought it might have-- we did (and didn't do) things I hadn't expected. It didn't matter though. There was conversation- both silly and serious, inane and meaningful. My brain clicked on. By the time I got home (at least a couple hours later than anticipated), my mind felt so much clearer, and my heart so much lighter.
The evening wasn't easy. We did a lot, and talked a lot.
And yet, I came home happy. With a hope in my heart that I may just be able to do things again. That I may be able to live again.
It was good to get out of the house.
It was great to be in the company of dear friends.
It is wonderful to feel rejuvenated.
I'm pretty certain that I've been struggling a bit with my depression. I'm glad I recognize it. I think the fatigue can be blamed partly on some depression. I've had a growing disinterest, or apathy, for things which I normally have a high amount of energy and concern for.
I think I might be trying so hard to not stress out about school that I have become a bit apathetic towards it. Towards my future. Towards my religion. My music. I have even begun to feel apathy towards my friends from time to time. It might be because it's easier to be apathetic than it is to worry overmuch.
But I digress-- I was not feeling well today. Physically I was exhausted, mentally I was foggy at best, and emotionally I was depressed. I felt that feeling of hopelessness weighing on me, even as I dared to hope for little things.
Usually I hope for comfort and company. I miss my friends a great deal.
I played some solitaire (spider- the best kind), hoping to distract myself. I practiced my flute- hoping that playing would get some emotion out, and release the pressure pent up inside my chest. I was texting a friend, trying to figure out when I'd get to see him next. I felt as if I were in a fog of apathetic depression (or would it be depressed apathy??).
Such was my state when the lovely Christine called. Just to say hi. She had plans for the evening with a friend of ours, and I found myself interested... I wanted to see them both. I didn't care so much what we were doing, but the thought of their company thrilled me. I think I may very well have been craving the interaction.
I got ready quickly and was picked up, and off we went. The evening didn't go as I thought it might have-- we did (and didn't do) things I hadn't expected. It didn't matter though. There was conversation- both silly and serious, inane and meaningful. My brain clicked on. By the time I got home (at least a couple hours later than anticipated), my mind felt so much clearer, and my heart so much lighter.
The evening wasn't easy. We did a lot, and talked a lot.
And yet, I came home happy. With a hope in my heart that I may just be able to do things again. That I may be able to live again.
It was good to get out of the house.
It was great to be in the company of dear friends.
It is wonderful to feel rejuvenated.
18 February 2008
I am Jane Bennett...
... at least sometimes.
Jane was thought indifferent to Bingley because she wasn't overly demonstrative of her affections for him.
Do people think me, at times, indifferent because I am not overly demonstrative?
I think that may very well be a possibility. I can be very conservative with my affections. Why is that? Is it caution? Fear? Out of propriety? Shyness? Or is it simply inexperience or insecurity?
What would happen if I amde an effort to be more demonstrative of my affections for those daer to me? Would it frighten or unsettle them? Or would it merely endear me to them, and them to me all the more.
I'm willing to give it a try.
Jane was thought indifferent to Bingley because she wasn't overly demonstrative of her affections for him.
Do people think me, at times, indifferent because I am not overly demonstrative?
I think that may very well be a possibility. I can be very conservative with my affections. Why is that? Is it caution? Fear? Out of propriety? Shyness? Or is it simply inexperience or insecurity?
What would happen if I amde an effort to be more demonstrative of my affections for those daer to me? Would it frighten or unsettle them? Or would it merely endear me to them, and them to me all the more.
I'm willing to give it a try.
09 February 2008
sitting waiting wishing
The Church's Worldwide Leardership Training Meeting was excellent. I'm glad I went. There were many things that stood out to me there. Perhaps I'll go back through my notes later and post the ones with the nifty little asterisk beside them.
The feeling I had in the wee hours of the morning is still there, but in a different form, I suppose. Be up. Wait. I fought off sleep last night for it. Will I do the same tonight? It's warm and fuzzy and feels like it's pushing my chest outward. If it didn't feel right, I'd chalk it up to anxiety.
I'm glad I went to the meeting. We'll see what happens with the other.
The feeling I had in the wee hours of the morning is still there, but in a different form, I suppose. Be up. Wait. I fought off sleep last night for it. Will I do the same tonight? It's warm and fuzzy and feels like it's pushing my chest outward. If it didn't feel right, I'd chalk it up to anxiety.
I'm glad I went to the meeting. We'll see what happens with the other.
a tap on the shoulder
It's nearly two o'clock in the morning. And I'm awake. Why? I am tired. I was getting ready to fall asleep. Open up my scriptures, read a bit, say a prayer, and then off into sleep land with me. So why am I not there?
Perhaps because I had this thought cross my head, and it went something like, "you should be on the computer right now". I thought, "wha-?". But, nonetheless, here I am. Maybe you'll even get some sleep typing out of me. That always proves interesting.
Until we get there, shall I write? What about? I'm going to stay on until I feel like it's a good idea to go back to bed. I don't know how long that will be, but it's annoying that it's not right now.
I get promptings. More often than I realize, I'm sure. There are instances when I've ignored those promptings and regretted it. There are many more instances, I believe, where I've listened to them and found them extremely beneficial.
I feel silly about it sometimes. I think, "what if it's just my overactive imagination again?" (I can be very imaginative, let me tell you...). Despite doubts, I usually act on it, because I'd rather risk making a fool of myself than ignore an important prompting.
So, just in case this is an important prompting, I am online. After two am (yich). If it's just my imagination, well, then I'll feel a little sleep deprived later on today and maybe even a little silly. But at least I'll know that had it really been a prompting, I would have followed it.
Perhaps because I had this thought cross my head, and it went something like, "you should be on the computer right now". I thought, "wha-?". But, nonetheless, here I am. Maybe you'll even get some sleep typing out of me. That always proves interesting.
Until we get there, shall I write? What about? I'm going to stay on until I feel like it's a good idea to go back to bed. I don't know how long that will be, but it's annoying that it's not right now.
I get promptings. More often than I realize, I'm sure. There are instances when I've ignored those promptings and regretted it. There are many more instances, I believe, where I've listened to them and found them extremely beneficial.
I feel silly about it sometimes. I think, "what if it's just my overactive imagination again?" (I can be very imaginative, let me tell you...). Despite doubts, I usually act on it, because I'd rather risk making a fool of myself than ignore an important prompting.
So, just in case this is an important prompting, I am online. After two am (yich). If it's just my imagination, well, then I'll feel a little sleep deprived later on today and maybe even a little silly. But at least I'll know that had it really been a prompting, I would have followed it.
06 February 2008
new year's resolutions?- a month late...
Haha.... okay... so today wasn't the best resolution following-through day. I think, tho, that I am going to continue to try and push myself. I really do need to find out what my limits are.
So, resolutions-
Get dressed every day by 2pm.
Go out and jog that one blog every day, eventually extending it and going faster.
Yoga. At least 30 min 3x/wk.
Do homework every day.
Get my room cleaned (and put those tempting novels on a shelf).
Give myself time limits- for leisure, homework, etc.
Practice my flute at least 3x a week.
Read scriptures. Every day.
That's it for now. Those are pretty doable, I think.
OK, later.
Oh, by the by, I discovered the nifty Hindi transliteration feature. Check it out!
माय नेम इस कास्संन्द्रे, ऎंड थिस इस माय ब्लोग। निफ्टी, एह? इ विष इ अच्तुअल्ली क्नेव हिन्दी, 'कज थें इ कोउल्ड रीड थिस स्तुफ्फ़... और रठेर, अच्तुअल्ली राइट रियल हिन्दी वोर्ड्स इन्स्टाद ऑफ़ ट्रांस्लितेरातिंग सिल्ली इंग्लिश ओंस। ओह वेल्ल... आईटी स्टील लूक्स कूल। :)
So, resolutions-
Get dressed every day by 2pm.
Go out and jog that one blog every day, eventually extending it and going faster.
Yoga. At least 30 min 3x/wk.
Do homework every day.
Get my room cleaned (and put those tempting novels on a shelf).
Give myself time limits- for leisure, homework, etc.
Practice my flute at least 3x a week.
Read scriptures. Every day.
That's it for now. Those are pretty doable, I think.
OK, later.
Oh, by the by, I discovered the nifty Hindi transliteration feature. Check it out!
माय नेम इस कास्संन्द्रे, ऎंड थिस इस माय ब्लोग। निफ्टी, एह? इ विष इ अच्तुअल्ली क्नेव हिन्दी, 'कज थें इ कोउल्ड रीड थिस स्तुफ्फ़... और रठेर, अच्तुअल्ली राइट रियल हिन्दी वोर्ड्स इन्स्टाद ऑफ़ ट्रांस्लितेरातिंग सिल्ली इंग्लिश ओंस। ओह वेल्ल... आईटी स्टील लूक्स कूल। :)
05 February 2008
testing testing update
Obviously, I am going to bed later than intended.
I got things done. I even attempted to study (my youngest sister rendered that pretty much impossible). I practiced my flute a little bit (mostly to keep myself from strangling said sister). I took a nap somewhere in there. I got some things done. I started on my room. I don't feel too bad, but I also don't feel too tired.
I'm thinking not-so-much on seminary and school tomorrow. I think I'll stay home and push myself to get things done here. I'm pushing myself, but I don't think I'm quite ready to push myself that much.
So, stand by for a post tomorrow night/Thursday morning.
This is Cassanndre, signing off. :)
I got things done. I even attempted to study (my youngest sister rendered that pretty much impossible). I practiced my flute a little bit (mostly to keep myself from strangling said sister). I took a nap somewhere in there. I got some things done. I started on my room. I don't feel too bad, but I also don't feel too tired.
I'm thinking not-so-much on seminary and school tomorrow. I think I'll stay home and push myself to get things done here. I'm pushing myself, but I don't think I'm quite ready to push myself that much.
So, stand by for a post tomorrow night/Thursday morning.
This is Cassanndre, signing off. :)
testing, testing, 1,2,3...
I have been cowed by being sick for awhile now. Really. I have stopped doing things at the limitations I have observed. I have erred strongly on the side of caution.
Maybe it's time to try erring on the other side a bit.
I need to not feel depressed about being sick. I recognize the depression, and fight it, but honestly- the best way to fight it isn't by going around in circles in my head, but by doing something.
I need to push my limitations. I need to see not just where they currently lie, but where they could, with some work, eventually lie.
I don't know what I can do, and I believe that learning to cope with chronic illness is becoming intimately acquainted with what one can and cannot do.
So, I'm going to have a practice run. Starting after I finish this post.
From this moment until Thursday morning, I am going to push myself.
What's the worst that can happen? I could throw up? Been there, done that; a couple more times doesn't make a difference. I could get a migraine? Yeah, vacationed frequently there, too. It's nothing new. It might suck, but I've dealt with it before and I can deal with it again.
And so, I am going to clean my room. I am going to put the romance novels and sundry on a shelf- not to be touched when ill, but when I have accomplished something.
I will be in bed by ten o'clock. If I think I might need, I'll take a sleeping pill at 8:30. I will wake up at 4:30 and go to seminary and school. I will come home and get things done. I will, once again, be in bed by ten o'clock.
I will take Thursday as a personal day, and evaluate how things went and what I learned.
I will pace myself, but I am also going to push.
What does a little pain matter?
I guess we'll find out.
So that's my resolution. Posted on the world wide web, for anyone who actually looks at my blog to read.
Great, now if I don't follow through it'll be more than just me that knows.
A nice incentive, I suppose.
Besides, it feels better to say "I feel like crap" when I've done things, than when I've done nothing.
And I think I really need to know how much I can do.
So I'm setting aside my doubts and reservations for a day and a half.
I will square my shoulders, turn up the music, turn off my brain (okay, at least mostly), and see what I can do.
Wish me luck.
Maybe it's time to try erring on the other side a bit.
I need to not feel depressed about being sick. I recognize the depression, and fight it, but honestly- the best way to fight it isn't by going around in circles in my head, but by doing something.
I need to push my limitations. I need to see not just where they currently lie, but where they could, with some work, eventually lie.
I don't know what I can do, and I believe that learning to cope with chronic illness is becoming intimately acquainted with what one can and cannot do.
So, I'm going to have a practice run. Starting after I finish this post.
From this moment until Thursday morning, I am going to push myself.
What's the worst that can happen? I could throw up? Been there, done that; a couple more times doesn't make a difference. I could get a migraine? Yeah, vacationed frequently there, too. It's nothing new. It might suck, but I've dealt with it before and I can deal with it again.
And so, I am going to clean my room. I am going to put the romance novels and sundry on a shelf- not to be touched when ill, but when I have accomplished something.
I will be in bed by ten o'clock. If I think I might need, I'll take a sleeping pill at 8:30. I will wake up at 4:30 and go to seminary and school. I will come home and get things done. I will, once again, be in bed by ten o'clock.
I will take Thursday as a personal day, and evaluate how things went and what I learned.
I will pace myself, but I am also going to push.
What does a little pain matter?
I guess we'll find out.
So that's my resolution. Posted on the world wide web, for anyone who actually looks at my blog to read.
Great, now if I don't follow through it'll be more than just me that knows.
A nice incentive, I suppose.
Besides, it feels better to say "I feel like crap" when I've done things, than when I've done nothing.
And I think I really need to know how much I can do.
So I'm setting aside my doubts and reservations for a day and a half.
I will square my shoulders, turn up the music, turn off my brain (okay, at least mostly), and see what I can do.
Wish me luck.
a necessity
What is love?
Love is this strange force which binds people together.
It is the undefinable antimatter all around.
It pushes and shoves.
Stubborn. Persistant. Unrelenting.
It sits and waits.
Silent. Patient. Understanding.
It questions.
And believes.
It hopes.
And doubts.
Love guides a path
that would never have been followed.
It strengthens.
It conquers what should have killed.
Love invades
as an army.
It comes in slow, quiet breaths or
In one quick gasp.
It seizes every cell, every thought-
every wish, hope and dream-
and shapes them.
Commands them.
It kills errant desires,
useless daydreams,
and arrogant planning.
It invades
and takes control.
Love stops
where others passed by.
It lifts up
and gives of its strength.
It grows,
and causes growth.
It is steady
and leads change.
Love heals.
Fuel.
Poison.
Medicine.
Love is essential.
Love is this strange force which binds people together.
It is the undefinable antimatter all around.
It pushes and shoves.
Stubborn. Persistant. Unrelenting.
It sits and waits.
Silent. Patient. Understanding.
It questions.
And believes.
It hopes.
And doubts.
Love guides a path
that would never have been followed.
It strengthens.
It conquers what should have killed.
Love invades
as an army.
It comes in slow, quiet breaths or
In one quick gasp.
It seizes every cell, every thought-
every wish, hope and dream-
and shapes them.
Commands them.
It kills errant desires,
useless daydreams,
and arrogant planning.
It invades
and takes control.
Love stops
where others passed by.
It lifts up
and gives of its strength.
It grows,
and causes growth.
It is steady
and leads change.
Love heals.
Fuel.
Poison.
Medicine.
Love is essential.
04 February 2008
the end of an era
Okay, I should have written something on this by now, but I haven't been able to get my thoughts aligned to anywhere where I felt like I could write something down about it.
Despite the shock and surprise I felt when I learned President Hinckley passes away, I felt it was right. He's been heading in this direction for awhile, and I think he knew it. I wouldn't put it past him to be excited for it. I know I'd be excited to go to heaven and see the love of my life again.
He will be sore missed. I am old enough that I was alive during one or two previous prophets' times, but young enough to not remember them. I have grown up in this church with President Hinckley at its head- under the direction of our Savior, Jesus Christ, of course.
He was described as "cute". It's true. He was very cute. Honestly, I don't think I could look at a picture of any other prophet or apostle, and think them as cute as Pres. Hinckley. Impressively, he had the ability to pull off being both "cute" and powerful at the same time.
Powerful, in the sense of- called by God, and ordained to act in His name for the sake of everyone on the Earth.
I'm grateful for his example, leadership, laughs, and love.
Gordon B. Hinckley was- and is- truly a great man.
I will miss him.
Despite the shock and surprise I felt when I learned President Hinckley passes away, I felt it was right. He's been heading in this direction for awhile, and I think he knew it. I wouldn't put it past him to be excited for it. I know I'd be excited to go to heaven and see the love of my life again.
He will be sore missed. I am old enough that I was alive during one or two previous prophets' times, but young enough to not remember them. I have grown up in this church with President Hinckley at its head- under the direction of our Savior, Jesus Christ, of course.
He was described as "cute". It's true. He was very cute. Honestly, I don't think I could look at a picture of any other prophet or apostle, and think them as cute as Pres. Hinckley. Impressively, he had the ability to pull off being both "cute" and powerful at the same time.
Powerful, in the sense of- called by God, and ordained to act in His name for the sake of everyone on the Earth.
I'm grateful for his example, leadership, laughs, and love.
Gordon B. Hinckley was- and is- truly a great man.
I will miss him.
dear friends
I am grateful for friends that I can call up at odd hours. I am grateful that they listen to me as I just talk- trying to get all of the percolating thoughts to simmer. I am grateful for their feedback, their input, whether it be extensive or brief. Most of all, I'm grateful for the comfort they give me. For their spirits. For how these friends can uplift me by just being there for me. I am grateful for their friendship, their souls, and their love.
So, to you dear friends-
Thank you. I can not begin to express my appreciation. I can not begin to describe how you have left your stamp on me. You have changed me, and left me better for it.
For that you have both my gratitude, and my love.
So, to you dear friends-
Thank you. I can not begin to express my appreciation. I can not begin to describe how you have left your stamp on me. You have changed me, and left me better for it.
For that you have both my gratitude, and my love.
02 February 2008
he's a keeper
Laurie Edwards over at A Chronic Dose said the following in a recent post on Gratitude:
Having been in Young Womens' at church for 6 years now, I have given much thought to my "future eternal companion" (cue cheesy music). Both at the encouragement of leaders and of my own volition, I have made numerous lists over the years about the qualities I want in my future hubby. The earlier lists had a few more silly (or rather- irrelevant in the grand scheme of things) characteristics than the later ones. Overall they tend to go something like this:
What Laurie said about her husband... that struck me. He watches her closely. Knows her well. Loves her so deeply that he concerns himself with not just her needs, but her comforts.
That is the sort of love I want to have with my husband.
And I think I would be justified in not accepting anything less.
The bit about illness, "...[he] brings the world to my doorstep when he knows I’m feeling isolated by illness" I could identify with as well. I hope that by the time I am married, my health will be stabilized and the isolation that has come with my chronic illness will be resolved and no longer a worry.
But in the back of my head, I hear a whisper that I may find myself facing it more than once in life. If it winds up being the case that my health is stupid for longer than expected, then it will take a very special guy to be able to deal with that with me. He will have to be understanding- or be willing to learn-, and patient. Long-suffering, even. It would be a burden on him. One I hope he won't have to deal with, but he'd have to be willing to take it on if needed.
But wow... someone who would "[bring] the world to my doorstep when he knows I'm feeling isolated by illness"... that would be lovely indeed. He'd be a keeper.
...I am especially grateful for a husband who anticipates my needs better than I do, who can tell by the tone of my voice how much air I am moving, and who brings the world to my doorstep when he knows I’m feeling isolated by illness.The whole post was great, but that, especially, I thought was cool.
Having been in Young Womens' at church for 6 years now, I have given much thought to my "future eternal companion" (cue cheesy music). Both at the encouragement of leaders and of my own volition, I have made numerous lists over the years about the qualities I want in my future hubby. The earlier lists had a few more silly (or rather- irrelevant in the grand scheme of things) characteristics than the later ones. Overall they tend to go something like this:
-active in the church...and so on.
-strong testimony
-temple worthy/can take me to the temple
-holds the priesthood
-will be a good father
-loves me
-respects me
-gets along w/ my family
...
What Laurie said about her husband... that struck me. He watches her closely. Knows her well. Loves her so deeply that he concerns himself with not just her needs, but her comforts.
That is the sort of love I want to have with my husband.
And I think I would be justified in not accepting anything less.
The bit about illness, "...[he] brings the world to my doorstep when he knows I’m feeling isolated by illness" I could identify with as well. I hope that by the time I am married, my health will be stabilized and the isolation that has come with my chronic illness will be resolved and no longer a worry.
But in the back of my head, I hear a whisper that I may find myself facing it more than once in life. If it winds up being the case that my health is stupid for longer than expected, then it will take a very special guy to be able to deal with that with me. He will have to be understanding- or be willing to learn-, and patient. Long-suffering, even. It would be a burden on him. One I hope he won't have to deal with, but he'd have to be willing to take it on if needed.
But wow... someone who would "[bring] the world to my doorstep when he knows I'm feeling isolated by illness"... that would be lovely indeed. He'd be a keeper.
01 February 2008
zofran
In case you can't read it, it says:
U&C: $708.99
Pay: $10.00
Having insurance: priceless (well, sorta)
and my body lived happily ever after... but not yet
This is the essay I wrote to submit w/ my college applications. Since it deals w/ health, and whole host of other things which I either have addressed on this here blog, or would address, I figured that it may just be appropriate to stick the essay here. (btw, feedback is never a bad thing. *hint hint*)
I had my future all planned out when I was ten years old. I would graduate from high school with straight A’s and go on to the university my parents attended. I would graduate with honors, probably in “cat behaviorology”. I would then serve a mission for my church. Help troubled kitties. Get married. And maybe go on to cure cancer. I have since discovered that life rarely goes according to plan.
It was discovered in my eighth grade year that I struggled with both depression and anxiety. With the help of my mother, psychologist and medication, I learned how to assess my emotions and thoughts, to recognize those influenced by depression/anxiety, and slowly I was able to replace negative thought patterns with positive and healthy ones. I now consider my depression and anxiety to be under control. Neither bothers me frequently, and when one does I am able to recognize what is happening quickly and deal with it in an efficient and effective manner. As a result of this experience, I was able to relate to and help when people I knew struggle with mental illness.
It would seem that gaining an understanding of mental illness was not the only empathetic quality I was bound to develop. The spring of my sophomore year (2006) I began to be physically ill. I missed more and more school and extracurricular activities due to stomach pains, headaches, nausea, weakness, fatigue and other such vague but irritatingly interfering symptoms. My mother and I began to trot from doctor to doctor, trying to pin down a diagnosis. Multiple tests, scans, appointments and a few months later I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). I was shocked. Pleased to have a diagnosis. Ecstatic that there was treatment. And comforted that all I endured was real and treatable- not just my imagination. I followed not quite, but almost, religiously my treatment routine, educated myself exhaustively on the functional disorder, and found my body back to nearly normal within the next few months (barring the occasional flare-up of symptoms).
I gained empathy for those suffering with chronic illness, for those who live with the fear that accompanies a “mystery diagnosis”, and for those whose lives consisted of medical appointments. I also developed a strong awareness of and gratitude for my health. I was more than ready to bounce back into challenging course loads at school, and busy days due to multiple extracurriculars. I was ready to move on, utilizing my new wisdom, and live my life just like all of the other over-achievers my age.
The spring of my junior year (2007) marked the beginning in a chronic change of health which made my experience the year prior seem a simple warm-up exercise. My IBS flared up. Medicine was adjusted and the IBS was placated. Left in its wake, however, were severe and frequent headaches which rendered me, once again, frequently absent from school and other activities. A few tests and many Excedrin later I was diagnosed with migraine headaches. Severe. Chronic. And really annoying. More difficulties ensued when I began to have difficulty keeping solid foods down. Suspected medications were eliminated, but did not result in an abatement of my symptoms. More tests were run. More doctors’ appointments. More medicines. It didn’t take long for me to realize that perhaps the Fates (or God) had in mind a different course for me than I had ever imagined or planned; and a few lessons to learn along the way.
I like to plan. I make lists. I get excited. It has been quite a shock to me to have my carefully formulated planning completely usurped. After my second round of illness (spring 2007), I decided that it might be a good idea to work on being more flexible. Since then, I have had to constantly readjust, reevaluate, and even sometimes abandon my plans due to illness. It’s stressful. It’s terrifying. It’s just plain annoying. Being forced to do this, though, has helped me to learn a critical lesson. I have learned to be humble and to trust in my Heavenly Father’s plan for me. I have had to surrender my desires, goals, and plans to His for me. It is an ongoing struggle to remember to do this and have faith. But it gets easier. I have seen seemingly impossible situations turn out not just fine, but wonderfully.
Another struggle has been restructuring how I measure my own self-worth. I used to be pleased with who I was and how I was doing in life based on my challenging course load and numerous extracurricular activities. The busier I was, and the more I accomplished, the better I felt about myself. Having developed a chronic illness, I can no longer maintain even a normal course load, and have had to drop most of my extracurriculars. I am so far from busy as to feel, at times, isolated from anything outside of my own home. This has been one of the hardest things about being sick for me. I love to be active, to challenge myself, and to help people. I have, out of necessity, been forced to learn that my value, or self-worth, is not based on what I have accomplished nor how busy I am, but rather, who I have become and who I am becoming.
My parents have instilled in me a strong sense of obligation to serve. Since my migraines began, I have constantly struggled to not “beat myself over the head” for not being able to serve as I would like. I do my best now to serve when and where I can as my body allows, but what I work to remember is that I am learning and growing a lot from this experience, and that when I have my health under control once more, I will be able to use that wisdom to help people in ways I would never have been able to without this trial.
Illness, in any form, is not by any stretch of the imagination pleasurable. My doctors and I continue to try and straighten out my health through trial, error, and brute determination. I continue to work on juggling life with health. Nonetheless, I would not trade my experiences with it.
I have been blessed in many ways which help me to keep going. I have received assistance from wonderful people ranging from health care providers to my everyday peers. My pharmacist, doctors and their nurses have gone above and beyond to help me out. The Disability Support Services staff at my community college has been a vital asset to any attempt I have made at school since my migraines began. Teachers have gone above the legal requirement of my Letters of Accommodation in being not only flexible but sympathetic and accessible. My high school counselor has been nothing short of amazing in the aid and direction he has provided me. My family, friends, and fellow church members have served me in countless ways, allowing me frequent reminders of the love given me which I have to be grateful for.
The most valuable blessing I have received from this trial, however, has been an increased ability to help others. What I have struggled with is by no means as disabling as what I have seen others struggle with, but it has given me a solid glimpse and firm understanding of what people with more troubling problems experience. My wish is that what I am learning now will allow me to someday render service similar to what I have received. Being able to do so would make all that I have endured valuable, precious, and ultimately- worth it.
31 January 2008
much ado about doing something
I did things this morning.
I woke up at 5a, showered, and got ready. That in itself is amazing.
I went to seminary. Smiled big. Chatted. Wished a friend Happy Birthday. Talked with a teacher-person about graduating from seminary. Listened to the lesson. Joked around with friends. Bumbled out an answer to question. Chatted some more on the way to the high school. I then stopped by the Special Ed department to ask Head Teacher Lady if she'd be willing to write letters of recommendation for me for my college applications. I then hung out for about an hour and a half. It was really nice. I always forget how much I miss the place, the people, and the humor. I started to get a bit lightheaded and nauseous, so decided it was time to go home. I walked home, and here I am.
I think I'll go take a nap or something- I'm tired.
Then back to applications. And I have a lot of homework to catch up on.
But I went to seminary! And I even stopped by the school! Twice in one week!
I might be getting better...
But I'm not going to percolate that thought much. I cycle- feeling goodish, then not-so-goodish... this could just be part of the cycle and I'll go back to really-not-so-goodish.
I should enjoy it while it lasts. :)
I woke up at 5a, showered, and got ready. That in itself is amazing.
I went to seminary. Smiled big. Chatted. Wished a friend Happy Birthday. Talked with a teacher-person about graduating from seminary. Listened to the lesson. Joked around with friends. Bumbled out an answer to question. Chatted some more on the way to the high school. I then stopped by the Special Ed department to ask Head Teacher Lady if she'd be willing to write letters of recommendation for me for my college applications. I then hung out for about an hour and a half. It was really nice. I always forget how much I miss the place, the people, and the humor. I started to get a bit lightheaded and nauseous, so decided it was time to go home. I walked home, and here I am.
I think I'll go take a nap or something- I'm tired.
Then back to applications. And I have a lot of homework to catch up on.
But I went to seminary! And I even stopped by the school! Twice in one week!
I might be getting better...
But I'm not going to percolate that thought much. I cycle- feeling goodish, then not-so-goodish... this could just be part of the cycle and I'll go back to really-not-so-goodish.
I should enjoy it while it lasts. :)
30 January 2008
grumble grumble whine whine
College applications are long and tedious.
And I should have started this one a couple weeks before I did.
Ugh.
And now- essays. At least they don't have to be too long... but that's kind of annoying, too, because I have to condense a lot of what I say. Anyone who knows me at all knows that is kind of a challenge for me.... :-/
Maybe I'll take a break...
Or not.
I'm not sure yet.
grumble grumble necessary evils grumble grumble
And I should have started this one a couple weeks before I did.
Ugh.
And now- essays. At least they don't have to be too long... but that's kind of annoying, too, because I have to condense a lot of what I say. Anyone who knows me at all knows that is kind of a challenge for me.... :-/
Maybe I'll take a break...
Or not.
I'm not sure yet.
grumble grumble necessary evils grumble grumble
29 January 2008
people need blessings
You know what? People need blessings. I should let them help me more.
I tend to balk at recieving a lot of special treatment or anything. I like attention just as much as the next person, but I don't like lots of it. (It makes me uncomfortable and a bit embarrassed. I'm kind of glad that I feel this way, because I think it's much better than craving attention and having a large ego. I guess it reassures me about my character or something.) For the most part, I don't like having people worry a lot about me. Mostly family, I suppose. I'm not private with my life, but I don't like to make a big deal out of things.
I need help, and am very grateful for the help that people have offered me. I do, however, decline most offers of aid. Perhaps it's because I like to be independent, or maybe just that I have a hard time accepting help? I don't know. It doesn't matter so much why, I guess. I'm starting to think, however, that it might be better if I took people up on their offers more often. Not just for my sake, but for theirs. People need blessings, and it's a well-known fact that service results in wonderful blessings for every party involved. If I don't allow people to help me, it's possible that I am depriving them of blessings.
I can serve by accepting service?
It's food for thought.
I tend to balk at recieving a lot of special treatment or anything. I like attention just as much as the next person, but I don't like lots of it. (It makes me uncomfortable and a bit embarrassed. I'm kind of glad that I feel this way, because I think it's much better than craving attention and having a large ego. I guess it reassures me about my character or something.) For the most part, I don't like having people worry a lot about me. Mostly family, I suppose. I'm not private with my life, but I don't like to make a big deal out of things.
I need help, and am very grateful for the help that people have offered me. I do, however, decline most offers of aid. Perhaps it's because I like to be independent, or maybe just that I have a hard time accepting help? I don't know. It doesn't matter so much why, I guess. I'm starting to think, however, that it might be better if I took people up on their offers more often. Not just for my sake, but for theirs. People need blessings, and it's a well-known fact that service results in wonderful blessings for every party involved. If I don't allow people to help me, it's possible that I am depriving them of blessings.
I can serve by accepting service?
It's food for thought.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)