to my future children

I watched a blog video clip from this strong woman (go to her blog, and if you can donate, please do).  It was from the beginning of the year and I just closed out of the page and it would take me awhile to find it again, and it was even on a different blog of hers.  Anyways, in her video clip, the woman speaks to her future children about her anorexia.  She talks about how she loves her anorexia (she talks about this a lot in her blog, too), but how she loves them more, and she wants to beat the anorexia so she can give birth to them and be a good mother to them.  This touched me, and I just felt I had to share my feelings about it.  I pray that I will say what needs to be said, and know to leave out what is not appropriate or kosher to share with the entire web.
Most of my friends and family know I was in love and engaged 2 years ago.  I'm not really shy about sharing this- just as, once asked, I'm not really shy about sharing most things in my life (or mind).  Ironic, considering I was so shy, I used to hide behind my dad's leg when I was little.  Anyways, during my engagement- particularly the beginning (while, imo, it was still pretty healthy and right)- I felt very close to God.  And I felt very close to angels.  And I loved my children.  Not that I have any yet, but I knew I would.  And I felt so close to them.  When we broke up, I felt like I lost them, and in some ways, that was even harder than breaking up.  Because I already loved them.  Somehow, loving them helped me get through that difficult, insane, confusing, upside-down, life-spinning-out-of-control time of my life.
Fast forward to today.  I feel sane, and happy.  Sometimes I really miss feeling close to my children.  I like who I am.  I honestly continue to struggle with being happy with where I am in life (my mind tells me, do more, be more), but I know God loves me, and frankly, I love me, too.  And lately I've had a lot of people tell me they love me, too.  It's weird and often unexpected, but I totally appreciate it.
Anyways...

To my future children
I don't know who you are yet, but I love you.  I don't have a family or a home for you yet (kinda need a husband for that), but I'm excited to have you come.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Thank you for being the wonderful spirits you are.  Loving you motivates me to do hard things.  I hope I can live healthily, so I can teach you how to be healthy.  I hope I live close to Christ so I can teach you to expect His influence in your lives daily.  I hope, despite my weaknesses,  that you never question my commitment to the Kingdom of God.  I hope you always know I love you.  I hope I can teach you what it means to be emotionally healthy- just as my mother, and her mother, have taught me.  I hope you love Heavenly Father, never doubt your divinity, and trust in His Plan.  And lastly, I hope you know how grateful I am for you.


Thank you, Camilla, The Night Baker, for sharing your story.

what is beauty?

I follow The Weed, a blog by an awesome LDS fellow.  On this blog he talks about a lot of things, but most often he talks about his crazy but super awesome girls.  His most recent post was titled "Viva Fashionista". It is all about his 4-year-old daughter who has already developed a ridiculous talent for fashion.  This post led to a discussion of how to help girls separate their sense of self-worth from their physical appearance.  One person's comment revealed that she was told by everyone she was fat while growing up, but upon growing up and looking back in pictures, she has since realized that she really wasn't.  This got me thinking about a personal experience.

I think these pictures are beautiful, so you all get to look at them

I have struggled to be within normal weight limits since elementary school.  I didn't really realize I was overweight till probably middle school.  I don't think I was really very self-conscious about it till partway through high school.  A couple of years ago I had a friend tell me, "maybe if you weighed less, [more] guys would be interested in you."  What they said at that time didn't really weigh on me, but it stuck on my mind.  A couple months later, after a rough break-up (with a rather great guy, I'd like to note, lest his name be unduly defamed), I couldn't seem to get that thought out of my mind.  It shadowed me all of last year.  I lost some good number of pounds in the past 2 years, and began going on more dates this year.  Like, a lot more dates.  And I made a lot of new wonderful guy friends.  I was truly enjoying the new friendships and the fun experiences, but I couldn't the thought out of my mind, what if I have this surge of guys interested in spending time with me because I weigh less now?  My logical brain (as opposed to the emotional one) figured that most likely wasn't the case.  There is certainly evidence to indicate that my personality and outgoing-ness have changed, and as we all have been told at one time or another, it's all about your attitude.  But how true is that?
For the sake of our case study, let's examine my change in attitude.  It has consisted of being a lot more positive, a let less anxious, and a lot more self-confident.  It has come from doing things I've never done before, gaining new perspectives from in-depth conversations with others, and being very very blessed by my Heavenly Father.  I figure a lot of this is par for the course as one matures.
So that's the logical alternative- my attitude has changed, and so my relationships and opportunities have changed.  But I still had nagging in my mind, it's because I lost weight.
I'd like to tell you, something funny happens when you start a job which involves a lot of typing, and stop exercising regularly.  And don't change your diet.  You gain weight (unless you're one of those freaks with crazy-good metabolism... wait 20 years, my friends, that will likely change).  This summer I've gained back a fair amount of that weight I lost.  I don't know anyone but me has noticed it (I think not, judging based on the lack of comments from the people who live with me-- the only ones whom society might deem it appropriate to comment on weight gain lol).  I was griping about this set-back to myself recently, when I saw a silver lining.  You see, as I have continued to gain weight, I have also continued to go on dates and make new guy friends.  I weigh almost as much as I did when my friend made that very unkind comment 2 years ago.
What does this mean?  This means that my friend was absolutely wrong.  Whether people are interested in you or not, really doesn't depend as much on weight as we tend to think it does.
And you know what?  I am now grateful that I have gained this weight back, for if I hadn't, I would still be wondering.
I will add an addendum here, however-- I am still looking forward to losing weight when I have a regular routine with school again, and will be able to schedule regular exercise.  But I am coming to see weight less through the goggles of "do I look good?" and more through the goggles of, "am I healthy?".  That is the way I believe we all ought to look at our weight.

I would like to conclude with some quotes from President Gordon B. Hinckley,

I look upon my dear wife, soon to be 92 years of age. Her hair is white; her frame is stooped. I take one of her hands in mine and look at it. Once it was so beautiful, the flesh firm and clear. Now it is wrinkled and a little bony and not very strong. But it speaks of love and constancy and faith, of hard work through the years. Her memory is not what it once was. She can remember things that happened half a century ago but may not remember what happened half an hour ago. I am like that, too. But I am so grateful for her. For 66 years we have walked together, hand in hand, with love and encouragement, with appreciation and respect. It cannot be very long before one of us will step through the  veil. I hope the other will follow soon. I just would not know how to get along with her, even on the other side, and I would hope that she would not know how to get along without me.   

My dear [sisters], whatever your circumstances, wherever  you may live, may the windows of heaven be opened and blessings come down upon you. May you live with love one for another. May you reach down to lift up those whose burdens are heavy. May you bring light and beauty to the world and particularly into your homes and into the lives of your children.... Walk with pride. Hold your heads up. Work with diligence. Do whatever the Church asks you to do. Pray with faith. You may never know how much good you accomplish. Someone's life will be blessed by your effort. May you know the comforting, rewarding embrace of the Holy Spirit, I pray in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.  

--From "To the Women of the Church", Ensign Nov 2003.

 And lastly, I'd like to share this thought.  It may seem somewhat out of place, taken from its native speech, but I think one can strain from it an idea of true beauty, and the joyous beauty to be found in one's character.

I [have] looked into the eyes of beautiful women- women of virtue and strength and capacity, older women who knew much of struggle and disappointment and pain, young women who knew much of purpose and goodness and art and learning. I [have] looked into the eyes of children- beautiful and innocent and wonderful. 

--From "Rise to the Stature of the Divine within You", General Conference Oct 1989

And because I like pictures, here's a collage of some of my lovely friends and family-- it was soo hard to narrow it down, and I didn't even hunt for pictures more than a minute!  (Yes, there are a couple of men in these pictures... please don't get confused.)

And here are some lovely ladies whom I have had the privilege to find in front of my camera when I was feeling artsy...

it always works out at the temple

so today, I decided i was going to go do baptisms before work.  this isn't too hard, since the temple is 30 minutes away from my house, and 10 minutes away from my work.  i left a little later than planned, but figured it wasn't a big deal.  well, last week the seattle temple declared itself open to walk-in baptisms for the summer. for the first time ever, as far as i know.  apparently they've had  favorable response (one sister told me they had 100 people come in the other day).  so, when i got there, the baptistry was by no means swamped, but it was a little backed up.  i was a little nervous about getting done in time for work.  since the temple is sacred and we're not supposed to worried about time or anything.... and i'm a little shy at times... i didn't want to interrupt anyone and ask if i could be placed ahead in line.  i just kinda didn't feel comfortable asking about it.  i prayed, though, "please help me to get done in time for work!" and decided to trust Heavenly Father to take care of me.  i was a bit anxious, but not terribly so.  one of the sisters working in the baptistry today came and sat by me.  we chatted quietly for a moment and the conversation turned to what i do and i mentioned that i am working today.  she asked if i was going to get there on time and i might have looked just a little nervous when i replied "i hope so!" with a smile.  she figured she was inspired to sit next to me and find that out, and went over to the brethren in charge and asked if i could be bumped to the head of the line.  they asked the sisters in front of me who all agreed without hesitation, and so it all worked out.  everyone was so kind, easygoing, and accomodating.  i love that about the temple.  i ended up walking into work perhaps 1 or 2 minutes early.  it was awesome.
my stake president once mentioned that anythign in the temple that could go wrong, or seems to be tricky to figure out, or whatever- always seems to work out.  i absolutely agree.
my experience today reminded me that Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers.  and sometimes He even helps me out quickly. and He's even willing to help when my problem could have been solved by planning better and arriving a little earlier.... He took care of me today.  it was a nice reminder.
He doesn't always answer prayers quickly, but He does always answer them.  it's important to remember that.

A note to non-Mormons: you may be wondering what the heck I am talking about.  so, as members of Christ's church, we have the opportunity to help those who passed away without receiving the gospel, to get baptised. we stand in as proxies for those who have died, and are then baptized on their behalves. this work, baptisms for the dead (among other services), is performed in our temples. if you'd like to know more, please see the mormon.org articles on family history and Christ's church. see also 1 corinthians 15:29, 1 peter 4:6, malachi 4:5-6, and john 5:25.  and lastly, see lds.org's gospel topics information on baptisms for the dead. and feel free to ask me anything!

here are a few pictures of baptistries in different temples. couldn't find any of seattle, but the general design is always the same- after that of the baptismal font in solomon's temple.  (see 2 chronicles 4:2-5, and 1 kings 7:23-26)


photo from here


photo from here. this is in the rexburg, id temple. i have spent many hours there. it's beautiful, and i love it there.

photo from a fox 17 slideshow, with multiple photos of the kyiv, ukraine temple. very cool. check it out.

 
both photos from here. the one on the L is most like the seattle temple. plus, you can actually see the oxen in this photo (they are hard to see in the others!)

sometimes i like to drive in circles...

Usually, I end up driving in circles because I've gotten lost. I'm proud to say, however, that since I've gotten lost so many times, I actually have a decent sense of direction now (if not a decent sense of distance). So yesterday I was scheduled to work, but had to get there a few hours early to take care of something. I had a couple hours to chill before my shift started and so went to Fred Meyer, and then decided to take a different way back to the hospital. Now, Fred Meyer is relatively close to Swedish Hospital (the red SH on the map above), but somehow I went further than i expected, took the really really long way back. I was pretty chill for the first 10-20 minutes- it was an adventure, after all! In the back of my brain I had a sense of where the hospital was relative to me, but I was on this road that just didn't end! And it had nothing come off of it except private driveways. Eventually I found myself in Fall City (thinking, wow, that's an actual city? i thought it was just part of a street name...), and saw a sign saying I-90 this way. That was good, because I knew I-90 would take me back to the hospital. Now, for those of you who don't know, Fall City on this map is on the upper R hand corner, where my blue line lies near hwy 202. Here I am thinking that I-90 is just around the corner. It's a windy road, so I spent the next 15 minutes thinking maybe I-90 is right around the next corner. It wasn't. However, I did see a number of places I'd either like to hike, camp, or take pictures (somewhere along Preston-Fall City Rd there is what appears to be an abandoned mine... oh boy- how picturesque!). So, nice drive, but it was getting late and I'd been driving for 30 minutes and had 45 till work started. I was just about to turn back, when finally I started seeing more houses and less trees. I found I-90 about 5 minutes later, and hopped on it going west (because I had a vague sense that Preston and Fall City are east of Issaquah... I'm rather glad I had this sense, because without I may well be in Spokane by now), and found my way back to work. Yay!
And then I looked up on google the route I took and laughed, because I totally went in a big circle.

What life lessons can we learn here?
Keep going... I-90 is right around the next curve! Well, there's actually a few curves to go around first...

squashberry muffins

So, I'm easing into a new diet. A migraine diet, (as found in a chapter in this book, recommended to me by a nutritionist). The idea of this diet is essentially, a bunch of things I can eat without worrying that they will cause a migraine. Yes, it's pretty much an elimination diet (which I have heretofore refused to do), but honeslty, I haven't really felt that way about it. It's a no-worry diet. (Here's a list of some things I am to avoid.) So, I'm learning how to cook new things and eat things I've either never really liked or never even heard of. No red apples- only green? Oh, I guess the green ones can taste good. Oh, and quinoa is amazing. One of my new favorites and is now one of my staples :)
So anyways... along with this, I was looking for a nice recipe for zucchini bread, with none of those migraine ingredients. I found one, and adapted it per my preferences and supplies. Below is my recipe (yes, I am now officially one of those Mormons who shares recipes on their blogs... never thought I would join that prestigious circle). I made two loaves of bread, and 9 mini muffins. I ate most of the muffins relatively immediately, but did pause to take some pictures. oh, and they are delicious.

3 eggs (omega-3 fortified) 1 cup canola oil 2 cups demerara cane sugar (it's this beautiful thing from guyana) 2 cups squash (grated and drained). i used zucchini and a couple of other similarly shaped squashes (yellow and stripey green). dunno their names. 3 tsps vanilla 3 cups wheat flour 1 tsp salt 1 tsp baking soda 3 tsps cinnamon 1 tsp baking powder 2-3 cups fresh blueberries 1 beat eggs till foamy 2 add oil,sugar,zucchini,and vanilla 3 mix lightly 4 sift dry ingredients together and gradually add to egg mixture 5 blend well 6 add blueberries and fold into batter 7 pour into a loaf pan and bake at 350 dgrees for 45 minutes (about 12 minutes for mini muffins) 8 check at 30 minutes to prevent burning

"stop it!"

President Uchtdorf said something awesome in General Conference last April.  Here's an excerpt from that epic speech (which you can read in its entirety here)

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon.  When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it! 

It's that simple.  We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. 

I think this talk resonated with all who listened for two reasons, 1) we all judge others and need to stop, and 2) President Uchtdorf presented it so matter-of-factly, and lovingly.

I came across the below recently on a blog I enjoy following.  I thought it rather fitting.

(photo from jessica hagy's awesome blog, here)

can't sleep, and i've never liked counting sheep

my first interesting (and inane) note, is how on commas. you see, as i was typing the title to this post, i put a comma right up there after "can't sleep".  my elementary school training tells me that's not necessary, but rather optional.  because it's coming before "and".  i believe there was some movement to take commas away from before "and". or at least be okay with a lack of them.  at least, that's what i recall mrs. bowers in the fourth grade telling me.  or was it mrs. rossall in the fifth?  anyways, when i was in training for my absolutely wonderful new scribe job, my supervisor told me i didn't put enough commas in.  she'd go over histories of present illness i'd written, and stick in a bunch of commas(an HPI the part of the patient's chart where you sum up all the stuff they told you about what's wrong with them today). we had a nice discussion about commas following this.  she's only a few years older than i, and so i wonder- did the anti-comma movement begin with my generation?  or is it just me?  so in order to make her happy, i began putting commas in all sorts of grammatically appropriate places which i had never previously done.  and i'm still doing it.  it makes me chuckle.
oh, and i'm not sure if this is related or not, but most physicians (and scribes) seem to be against double spacing between sentences.  i've observed doctors go over my HPI and removethe double spaces.  i adapt, and then remind myself that they probably didn't major in english.  oh, except there is one doctor who does use them, and i get excited because then i can type the way i'm trained to-- with double spaces after my periods.  except i think the habit might be wearing a little thin, because in writing this i'm havign to consciously remind myself to double space.
i flash back to that time in sixth grade when my mom, english major and all, reviewed an essay i wrote.  i remember her informing me that i needed to double space between sentences.  i told her my teacher didn't ask for that.  she responded that it's the proper thing to do, and even if my teacher didn't ask for it, i should do it anyways.  so i did.  and it became a habit.  and i never remember anyone else making a fuss about it during my school career, so either i learned my lesson, or no one cared.  or both.  but i'm glad that my mom taught me to double space.

now, if you didn't consider those previous 3 paragraphs a waste of your time, i'll just keep babbling.  and if you did, but you're still reading for some reason anyways, i'll just keep babbling all the same.

so it's 3am and i can't sleep.  why?  a few reasons.  the first being that i am a night owl by nature.  even if i get into the habit of waking early, it doesn't take much at all to get me back into my night owl-y ways.  second reason, work.  i worked night shift recently, and then some late nights since.  add that to the spring quarter being over and therefore no reason to be out of bed at 7am after working till midnight the previous night, and you have night-owlishness.  on top of that, i didn't really make it to my morning classes regularly for the last two weeks of spring quarter.  'cuz my migraines started acting up.
yeah, i should have expected as much.  and i'm pretty sure i know exactly what happened.  you see, i registered for classes full-time.  and then i started a new job.  and i still tried to spend some time with family, and have a social life, and date.  and go to church.  i was really excited at the beginning of all this, because i feel satisfied when my life is full.  when i am busily engaged in multiple good things, feel like i'm moving forward in my life, and have meaningful relationships with the people around me, i feel content.  more than content, actually.  i'm happy, and excited, and super grateful.
i knew before the quarter started that i should be looking for a job, and that i should be working.  i recall feeling confident about going to school full-time.  i was nervous about adding work to that challenge, but i knew the impression to work and go to school was an impression from my Heavenly Father.  i trusted that since that was what He wanted me to do, i would be able to do it.  and for a few weeks i did.  honestly, if i didn't have the health problems that i do, i think i would have been able to keep it up.  but that's what made me feel so grateful- i knew that there was no way without the aide of God and His angels that i could work and go to school.  and truly, even just the few weeks that i did do it and stay on top of things were nothing short of miraculous, especially when juxtaposed with my academic and health histories.

but let's catch up to where i am now.  the quarter's over and i still haven't finished my classes.  i have an arrangement with my teachers, so there's hope, but it still makes me nervous.  and i'm nervous about my future.  it kind of sucks not being able to count on the long term plans i make because my health problems have a habit of never resolving and popping back up with a vengeance for months at a time at least a few times yearly.  i like doing things, and i like making plans.  it's hard to feel limited in my ability to do both.
oh, and there's the whole thing about wanting to get married.  and have a family.  i don't want to rush into anything, and indeed, i find some fulfillment from simply getting to know and befriend the single guys around me.  i've been pretty happy with the state of my love life as of late.  but my attitude changes a little bit when i get sick, and am subsequently cooped up for days on end (where did that expression come from anyways?  when you break it down, it really doesn't mean anything... reminds me of a conversation my buddy stan and i had about the english language versus ancient languages).  in these cases, i really just want someone to have at home, to cuddle with in bed while i feel like crap and my hair is a mess.  and someone whom i don't have to worry about losing a chance with or dealing with those silly dating situations when i want to cancel, reschedule, or just change what we're doing for a date because i don't feel up to doing much.
and just so we're clear, i'm not saying that i'm looking for a cuddle-buddy.  those are nice, i guess, but mostly useless, and confusing.

also, i'm pretty sure i just babbled about a bunch of stuff to put on my public blog which i wouldn't have if i weren't both sleep-deprived and migraining.  like, my brain does weird things with migraines and pain.  one of them being a lessening somewhat in inhibitions.  dunno if anyone other than those super close to me would notice, but it happens.  i get to the point where i do something or consider doing something and just don't have the mental energy to decide whether or not to actually do it or say it, and then i just decide that it's what i'm really thinking and if the person i'm talking to loves me, or is at least a kind reasonable person, won't judge me if it comes out sounding stupid or crazy or childish or something.  because by rule i'm not stupid, childish, or crazy (technically speaking).

and i have no way to neatly sum up all of these thoughts.  there's a phrase commonly used by scribes to sum up HPI's.  first we say what the patient is complaining of, how long they've been experiencing it, any accompanying symptoms, risk factors or other pertinent information, and then we list a bunch of pertinent things they're not experiencing.  "so-and-so complains of shortness of breath, but denies any loss of consciousness, chest pain, palpitations, nausea, or vomiting" is important to note because it indicates they're probably not having a heart attack.  or "so-and-so complains of a laceration to his forearm after falling off his dirt bike, but denies any weakness, numbness, or tingling" is good to note because it indicates they probably don't have any nerve or muscle damage.
anyways.... after these things in the HPI, there are two magical phrases we use to wrap it all up.  "S/he is otherwise in good health with no additional complaints" and "s/he is otherwise in her normal state of health with no additional complaints."  it sums things up nicely (the latter is particularly good for people with lots of health problems who only come into the ER because they got a scratch that needs to be stitched up).

so, to sum up this post, i am otherwise in my normal state of health, with no additional complaints.

and here's a pretty picture for you to look at, just for making it to the end of this post.  i got these from my dad when i had my sinus surgery back in february.  pretty, eh?

to the man whose face i never saw

we stood in a semi-circle
waiting for you.
they rolled you in
pounding, pounding, pounding.
on your chest.

in the corner i stood,
never was one more
a fly on the wall
than me.
i saw it all.
pen in hand.
yellow notepad.
my job was to scribble. scribble. scribble.
everything i heard....

27 year old male.
epinephrine times seven.
he said ten minutes ago.
it's 1050 now.

tall man in blue suit.
pounding on your chest.
down. up, down. pound, pound, pound.

atropine. duoneb.
what are those drugs?
calcium. magnesium.
those can be used for the heart?
history of asthma.
collapsed in driveway.
you were on your way here.

purple scrubs. middle aged woman.
down, up, down. pound, pound, pound.

cordarone.
how do i spell that?
epi-pen
twice by family, IM.

man in green scrubs,
badge dangling over your body-

why do you have an epi-pen?

up, down. up, down. pound, pound, pound.

twelve minutes of CPR
before the ambulance came.
they found you in PEA.
he thinks he heard breath sounds on scene.
atropine.
what is atropine?

x-ray. ultrasound.
pound, pound, pound.
never stopping.

at the computer,
the lead nurse is typing.
“how many milligrams?”
“what size tube?”

the pounding arms get weary.
the second blue-suited man
moves fluidly to your side.
with a towel around his neck,
(he’s getting a work-out)
he moves his body
down, up, down.
over you, his hands go 
pound, pound, pound.

pound. pound. pound.
down, up, down.
with each impact of coupled fists,
I see, side to side,
your protuberant mass shift..

another nurse. he is pulling off your pants.
"do we have any scissors?"
naked.
you're all naked.
will someone please cover him up?
they keep pounding on your chest.
and the bag-valve mask goes,
pump. pump. pump.

i say nothing, but the nurse sees what i mean.
naked. you’re all naked.
except the blanket now covering your groin.
a small sign of respect.

your doctor is by your side.
you’ve never met him.
he's trying to save your life.

"a sterile gown!"
over his suit and tie.
shoes only a little more mature
than convers
peep out beneath his pants.

everyone gets a turn.
now it’s curly ponytail girl, in her green scrubs.
she moves down, up, down.
her hands go, pound, pound, pound.

blade and scissors in hand,
your doctor cuts into your side.
your blood on his hands.
he's trying to save your life.

“it’s been 45 minutes,” he says
“5 more and he’s dead.”
and as an afterthought,
“he’s already dead”
...by definition.

your body moves up, down, up,
with each fists’ pound, pound, and pump, pump.


until the doctor is at your side,
ultrasound in hand.
the pounding and pumping stop.
all voices stop.he finds
your blood flow has stopped.

blood on his sterile gown,
blood on his outstretched hands-
he turns-
facing the nurses, the techs, and the EMTs
(and the random hospitalist, too):
“does anyone have any more ideas?”

silence.

1102.

some thoughts on falling in love

My friend Danilo shared the below quote and this thought on facebook today. I liked it so much I figured I should do something to keep it in mind ;)

Elder Hugh B. Brown concurs: “Infatuation may be romantic, glamorous, thrilling, and even urgent, but genuine love should not be in a hurry. … Time should be taken for serious thought, and opportunity given for [each partner to gain] physical, mental, and spiritual maturity. Longer acquaintances will enable both to evaluate themselves and their proposed companions, to know each other’s likes and dislikes, habits and dispositions, aptitudes and aspirations” (You and Your Marriage, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 27, 34). i love this quote genuine Love should not be in a hurry there is no reason for it especially if this love is eternal.

I've had discussions about this idea with a couple of friends recently.  My friend Stan commented recently that if you rush things it can ruin everything because rushing stunts the development of real love. Take it slow.  Don't drag your feet, but don't rush anything, either. Pursue someone you're interested in and let things unfold naturally. Genuine affection, commitment, loyalty, and true Christlike love for one another will develop. And "if it's meant to be, it will be."

my mom is hilarious

This is a recent ad she placed on craigslist....

Big Black Sectional Sofa / Couch - $25 

SAVE BIG BLACK!!! Big Black needs a new home. It has served us well for years, but we're tossing her aside for a younger model with microfiber and color.
The far left section of Big Black includes a reclining seat, which provides perfect comfort for watching both football and dancing with the stars. It also has put in many years of sci-fi and homework support. We have paired it nicely with both floral and striped pillows and it's always happy to keep a throw handy on a cold winter's eve. As the pictures attest, it is in pretty good shape although it is starting to show its age a bit on the most loved cushions. A couple of the back panels have small tears, but these are actually quite subtle and well hidden if against the wall (and could easily be disguised by a small strategically placed bit of black tape).
The right section includes a hide-a-bed that worked well until the "pig-pile incident" of late 2011. We thought 20-something adult children could count a bit better, but alas, The Black did sustain some damage that night. The hide-a-bed now hides well, it just doesn't un-hide to become-a-bed so well. If someone was handy and had the right sort of crow bar and patience, that could probably be remedied. However, as my husband's strengths run more toward IT and emergency response issues, and I'd rather play in the garden, we're happy to let someone else take a crack at it and help the Black regain some of her multi-purpose glory.
Big Black is actually REAL LEATHER on the front/facing cushions (we think the back may be "leatherette" or some similar cowhide imposter), which disguises a million faux and real paw prints and cleans up beautifully with a few clorox wipes and a vacuum hose attachment. It comes in three sections. The bed section is fairly bulky and heavy. The others are just bulky. So you'll probably need two people who can lift and maneuver well.
Not bad for $25, eh? We might even consider "OBO" as well if it meant the Black would be truly appreciated and well cared for.
p.s. We're hoping Big Black will go on Saturday so as to avoid an awkward encounter with her replacement. Please text 206-555-5555 to Save Big Black. 

It should be noted that my mom bought Big Black's replacement for $10 :)

culling

Everyone looks at their work and thinks about what they like and don’t like. But until you make an actual decision about each image-is it the very best image, is it good (but not great) or was it just practice-you won’t open yourself up to the learning that comes when you actively force yourself to separate the best from the throwaways. -Lara White

Culling is a word used by photographers for something I don't do too often.  It dates back to the 1200's where it meant "to put through a strainer" (see etymonline's second entry for cull... unless you want to read about testicles, in which case read the first).
I need to do this with my photography-- I have literally thousands of pictures that are simply mediocre that I have yet to bring myself to throw away.  Why shouldn't I?  Will I ever use them if they're mediocre and I have better ones?  Probably not.  Will the clients ever want them if I already provided them with the best photos I could produce?  Doubtful.
Ms. White concludes,

As photographers, I believe it’s our job to say something with the images, to add something more than just what meets the eye. I learned this more in the editing room than on any shoot. The editing or culling process allows me to see what works and why. And even more important, I learn what doesn’t work.

 And isn't this what we should be doing with life anyways?  Give it a try.  If it doesn't work, don't keep it.

About Me

In case reading my blog doesn't give you a clear enough picture of who I am, I've decided to share with you the "About Me" page I wrote for my English class.  It's written a little bit more boldly than I am likely to speak in person, but that's mostly because I couldn't figure out another way to fill up a whole page with information about myself without it being a boring life history or something.

My name is Cassànndrè Sager.  You may recognize me as the one who wears sunglasses.  Since we’ve been asked to share a little bit about ourselves, I’ll take this opportunity to explain why so you don’t think I’m just the sunglasses freak who is trying to be cool.  The high frequency flickering of florescent lights (as well as energy-saver light bulbs) gives me migraines.  So pretty much anywhere florescent lights are found I wear sunglasses.  It kind of sucks getting migraines but I happen to find studying them fascinating so that makes it okay.  If you ever have any questions about migraines or headaches feel free to ask me and I’ll tell you all about them, probably in more detail than you wanted.

I am aiming to finish my AA degree by the end of this year and then pursue a four year degree in biology.  I love studying anatomy-physiology and pathology and want to pursue a career in the healthcare field.

For the better part of the past two years I have been employed as a para-educator in the Kent School District, mostly recently substituting across the district.  It is usually a fun job as the kids in special education are usually sweethearts, and the staff are great.  School Adjustment classes get a little interesting (those are the kids with behavior problems) but I usually find it amusing.  The only times I mildly wonder if I am getting paid enough are when students lead me on wild goose chases around the school and I have to keep up because it is my responsibility to keep them out of trouble.

The love of my life is my family’s Labrador-Rottweiler mix, Bella.  She is a 100+ lbs of puppy love who sometimes thinks she is a lap dog.  She has a scary bark but the cat usually has her under his control.  She is currently lying on the floor next to me, wearing her lavender-colored floral bandanna and snoring contentedly.

 I do some custom photography on the side.  I’ve done portraits, engagements and weddings.  Engagements may be my favorite because couples in love are so fun to work with and photo-shoots are usually low pressure and laid back.  One of my favorite things about shooting weddings (aside from seeing the radiant bride and very proud groom) is getting to “shoot” the bride, groom and their entire families and afterwards “burn” the wedding dress (burning is an editing technique used to increase the exposure of specific areas of a photo).

Ballroom dancing is my favorite way to exercise.  I started when I went to Brigham Young University- Idaho (a magical place in the middle of nowhere) for a year and have kept it up since returning home.  I’ve been dancing for three years and absolutely love it.  Cha-cha, Tango, Waltz, and Rumba are my favorites.  And lindy-hop.  And West coast swing.  Foxtrot is pretty cool, too, but like Tango I rarely get the chance to dance it.  I’ve recently started learning more Latin dancing.  This is its own brand of awesome.  If you are interesting in learning how to dance or ever wanting to go dance, let me know.  I have a nice group of friends with whom I go dancing and we always welcome more people.

The rest of my free time is taken up by church meetings and activities with my young single adult congregation.  We have dances, games, lessons, potlucks, conferences, and more.  It’s a good group of people with diverse backgrounds.  I’m a Mormon and like so many Mormons I believe in being kind to other people, attending at least three hours of Church on Sundays, and having what we call funeral potatoes at any potluck.  I also happen to be ridiculously familiar with Utah for someone who’s never really lived there. 

And that’s me… in one page (phew!).

it's that time again....

when my facebook information gets way too filled up with quotes and i decide to copy and paste them into "blog storage".  enjoy.  they vary from profound words of prophets to ridiculous ramblings of roommates :)

"you have to live with your father, he's serious, just do it"  -wife of an overprepared man on "doomsday preppers"

"If awesomeness was a unit of measurement, you'd be the basic unit of measurement in nature that everyone would refer to so as to never forget what true awesomeness really is." --Joseph

"People would give you money for that. They wouldn't take it, but they would give you money for it." -Lyle

"I'm smokin' yarn!" -Ruben

"Oh Cassanndre, you're so cute! You still think boys are NICE!" -Hannah

"Boys are stupid, you have to use reverse psychology on them.
You say, 'you're stupid' and they think they're smart.
You say 'I wanna rip your heart out' and they say 'it's yours'.
You say 'I hate you' they say 'I wanna date you'
You say 'I like you' they say 'good bye.'"
-Sabrina

"Well, I'm glad we both STALK each other!! That's CUTE!" --I won't say who...

"Anger is hazardous to your health.... I wanted to kick something but then I decided that it would hurt my foot." -me

"Do you guys think a term of endearment, like... the ancient ones... is appropriate for your parents?" -Lyle

"You don't back [your thumbdrive] up?"
"Well, usually I do. Just not when it's important."
-me & Lyle

"I have learned that the head does not hear anything until the heart has listened and that what the heart knows today the head will understand tomorrow." -Jones Stephens

"It's like an out of body experience, but it's an out of speaking experience!" -me

"millie loves rice. she used to be asian but then she got something in her eye and it burned so she rubbed it and stretched it out and now she's not asian" -sabrina

"friends don't let friends get eaten... by friends." -cami

"cassataatatasaaasssandre!!!" -Roo

"Dear Heaven; I don't know when I'm going to die, but I need more time. Much appreciation, Alex Lofgran"

"A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the [opposing] army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means--the only complete realist." --C. S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

"Tenors are for dating, basses are for marriage"
"Which are you?"
"A bass"
--this one guy who now frequents our apartment

"Have you guys ever seen a cotton ball?! They look like...."
"an echo?"
"a yummy thing!"
Millie, sabrina & I, Millie

"Not to creep you out. I'm just planning our future together." -Sabrina

"The clues have been deciphered. I must journey forth." -All abt Stv

"A good relationship is not a strong partner & a weak partner, it's two strong partners who respect each other & can communicate"
"...It's one thing to make mistakes, but how many times do we have to do that until we actually do something about a mistake - part of it is the caring, about oneself & about the other person, to do what it takes to learn...." -Damaris Fish
Love is not Blind. That is the last thing it is. Love is bound. And the more it is bound, the less it is blind." -Chesterton (quoted by Bruce C Hafen)

"maybe i died so that you could discover nadolol [a heart drug also used for migraines]
don't let me have died in vain!" -dan

"i'm not white, i'm just camouflage" -rob

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. - Melody Beattie

"I didn't cry- I don't cry. I shed tears." -Ruben

"I am not here to make fun of you. I am a loving person." -Eddy

"I'm not walking away- I'm just shrinking!" -Robert

"What are we going to do at the park?"
"Lay around in the grass and talk about our feelings!"
--Taunalee & Becca

"If you smell my armpit, you have to come to FHE"
-Becca

"I will say, marriage is much fun. it's like having a torture victim that can't run away!"
-Chaz

"Maybe he's not bipolar... maybe he's just a man!"
-me to my mom

"People who don't think probably don't have brains, rather, they have gray fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake." -A.A. Milne

"Now sit down and think of ways to kill me." -CHAOS

the temple. and me.

I have half-written posts in my head, but I just haven't felt like writing much lately.  My septoplasty two-and-a-half weeks ago went very well.  I've noticed some interesting and positive changes since then.  Perhaps I'll talk about them sometime soon.  I've been tired lately and prone to headaches from overdoing things, so I've spent a lot of time at home photoshopping and watching shows like Castle and Bones.  I thought I would spend more time reading, writing, and studying, but I've found that I just haven't had the mental energy for it.  This past week I started journeying outside of the home to study and prepare for my CNA exam.  That has been good.  Oh, and I have in the past couple weeks practiced piano, mandolin, and flute a fair amount more than normal.  That's nice as well.

So anyways, I don't really have the mental energy to share anything profound.  So here's a semi-random scripture and a picture and quote of the temple.

"For behold, and lo, the Lord is God, and the Spirit beareth record, and the record is true, and the truth abideth forever and ever.  Amen."  -- D&C 1:39

Truth is truth.  It is eternal and reliable.  Just like God.  The Spirit, or Holy Ghost, bears record of Truth; of God.  The best way to truly know our Heavenly Father is to do things which invite the Spirit into our lives.  If we ask with faith for knowledge from our Heavenly Father- for truth and a testimony of it!- the Holy Ghost will leave a record of that Truth written on our hearts.  Then that truth is seared to our character.  It becomes a part of us and acting contrary to it becomes against our very nature.  This leads us to be more like Christ.

And a picture of the temple... because it's awesome and I love it.  The quote is about sacrificing for the temple. I know that when we sacrifice to go to the temple and serve and have one-on-one time with our Father (who loves us!), we are richly blessed.  Every expense and every inconvenience I have (and will) ever experienced has been worth it.  I know that my health has improved over the past three years because I made the temple a priority in my life.  I truly believe that if I had not followed the prompting of the Holy Ghost to go and worship regularly and frequently, I would not have been able to do all of the things I have done in the past three years.  I would not have gone to BYU-Idaho.  I would not have worked full time at Kentlake High School.  I would not have gotten engaged and I would not have survived the break-up.  I would not have gone back to Green River Community College and earned 3.9's and 4.0's in all my classes last year.  I would not have gone to Guyana.  I would not have been led to the very physicians who could help me most.

I don't know what my life would be like right now without this gospel and without the temple.  Maybe I would still be where I was three years ago- not able to work or go to school.  Maybe I wouldn't.  All I know is that I have experienced miracles and been given incredible opportunities.  I credit those miracles and opportunities to the love and mercy of my Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ and I credit them to the very real power and strength which come from the temple.

what do you do...

Oh, what do you do in the morning-time when all the world is black?
Do you lay in your bed, write blogs to be read, and yawn a big yawn and sigh?
Is that what you do?  So do I!

(inspired by Oh, What Do You Do in the Summertime?)


A lot of these posts get written in the wee hours of the night or the wee hours of the morning.  Today I woke up and wasn't feeling good enough to work, but was too awake to go back to sleep.  The time was o'dark-thirty.  Much, much too early to be awake with nothing to do if you ask me.  So two posts that have been sitting unfinished in my drafts folder got finished and published today.  And the above song (or ditty) was written as my facebook status.  I was so proud of it that I figured I just had to share it here on my blog so it would be less likely to get lost in the flood of social information.

So really-- what do you do in the morning-time when all the world is black?  Leave comments!

useful babblings... gatorade, kidney stones, diet, and salt

This post is very apropos to the given name of this blog: "Constructive Babblings".  It's really just me babbling, but it's also organized information!  There's this lady I know whose daughter was throwing up like nobody's business.  We were talking about that and the question of whether gatorade is good or bad for you came up.  She said her nurse practitioner told her it's bad for one's kidneys but neither of us were sure of the veracity of that information.

So what did I do?  What Cassanndre does at all times when struck with curiosity about medical things... I went to Medscape and Google!  I read several articles and thought I would only link to one but then I did more reading... so there will be at least a few interesting links at the bottom of this post.  Check them out (some will not even be heavily laden with medicalese).

Alright, alright, to the point-- what did I learn?

Gatorade

I have come to the conclusion that, like many things, Gatorade is bad in excess.  It has a lot of salt, which is good and bad.  If you have been sweating a lot or experiencing diarrhea and lost a lot of electrolytes, the sodium (and other electrolytes) in gatorade is wonderful.  My neurologist also recommended using G2 as an abortive at the onset of a migraine.  I find that it is effective at least 1/2 the time.  Electrolytes are probably to thank for this.  [Migraine side note: I recommend drinking 16 oz of G2 with 2 magnesium supplements at the very first signs of a migraine.  If you find 15 minutes later that the migraine is still threatening to attack, then pursue your normal course of action, whether it be a triptan, painkiller, nap, or whatever.]
Now for the bad about Gatorade: if you haven't been exercising & sweating like crazy, or losing lots of fluid and electrolytes another way (eg: diarrhea), then Gatorade is not the drink for you.  Go for water.  Water is good and under regular circumstances it's all you really need to stay hydrated and happy.  There is evidence to say that Gatorade is bad for your kidneys, but according to what I've learned that is only the case if you drink too much or are prone to hypercalciuria (too much calcium in the urine).

This discovery led to some curiosity for the effect of excess dietary sodium on calcium production.  So, without further ado...

Sodium, diet, and hypercalciuria

Excess calcium in the urine can form stones and get lodged in the kidney or elsewhere along the urinary tract (kidney stones!).
First, about kidney stones and hypercalciuria:

About 80% of all kidney stones contain calcium, and at least one third of all calcium stone formers are found to have hypercalciuria when tested. Hypercalciuria contributes to kidney stone disease and osteoporosis... [1]

Consuming too much sodium (whether it be gatorade, potato chips, yummy sauces, or prepackaged foods) leads to an increase of calcium being released from your bones.  This also can be associated with lower bone density.  Here are a couple extracts from Medscape (probably my favorite place to research medical stuff):

Sodium intake is another significant dietary risk factor for kidney stone disease and hypercalciuria. High dietary sodium is associated with increased calcium release from bone, further contributing to any existing hypercalciuria.  It also causes an increase in urinary calcium excretion through a direct effect on the kidneys....  [2]

and

A high sodium intake promotes various effects that enhance urinary calcium excretion and increase overall kidney stone formation rates. These effects include a rise in urinary pH, higher urinary calcium and cystine levels, and a decrease in urinary citrate excretion. In healthy adults, a high sodium intake has been associated with higher fractional intestinal calcium absorption as well as increased parathyroid hormone (PTH) and vitamin D-3 levels.... 

Increased calcium excretion is thought to be due to an increase in the extracellular fluid volume, which ultimately results in an inhibition of calcium reabsorption in the distal renal tubule. Reducing dietary sodium has been shown to decrease urinary calcium excretion in hypercalciuric stone formers, whereas high dietary sodium is associated with both increased urinary calcium excretion and low bone density.  

Sodium intake among stone formers is equal to or higher than the intake in control groups of non–stone formers. Enhanced renal calcium excretion from high dietary sodium is thought to be due to an increase in the extracellular fluid volume, which ultimately results in an inhibition of renal tubular calcium reabsorption. Sodium and calcium share common sites for reabsorption in the renal tubules. Patients with recurrent nephrolithiasis and hypercalciuria are also the most sensitive to the hypercalciuric actions of a high-sodium diet. Finally, in postmenopausal women, high sodium intake has been directly associated with low bone density in calcium stone formers. [3]

What the heck does all of this mean?  Um... give me a moment to reread it and jot down a few notes so I can figure out how to explain it in layman's terms...  Alright, here's my sparknotes version:

Regularly eating a lot of salt increases your chances of getting kidney stones and having too much calcium in your urine.  Doing so also affects levels of other chemicals, such as calcium, cystine, parathyroid hormone, vitamin D-3, and even urinary pH; in your digestive and urinary systems.  In regards to calcium, medical evidence suggests that a high-sodium diet leads to extra released calcium from your bones and so if you have this kind of diet, not only are you more likely to get kidney stones and have hypercalicuriea, but you're also more likely to have lower bone density, which leads to osteoporosis.  

Isn't that interesting?  And a little bit frightening?  Footnote [4] takes you to this awesome slideshow which tells you things you never knew about salt.  It tells you some things that have a lot of salt in them (like TV dinners, cereals, vegetable juices, canned veggies, packaged meats, soups, spaghetti sauce, spices, headache and heartburn medicines, and more) and how to keep yourself within a healthy dietary sodium range.  It's kind of fun, I highly suggest checking it out.

So there you go-- all you may have never wanted to know about Gatorade, salt, and kidney stones.  Yay.

[1]  "Hypercalciuria: Overview of Hypercalciuria" from Medscape Referance
[2]  "Hypercalciuria: Overview of Dietary Factors" also from Medscape Referance
[3]  "Hypercalciuria: Dietary Management of Hypercalciuria" from the same article as the above two
[4]  "Salt Shockers Slideshow: High Sodium Surprises"  a very neat photo + commentary.  I highly recommend it.

on photo editing: a process reader

When I first attended college, I took English 110: College Writing.  I had an excellent teacher who thoroughly introduced me to the beautiful processes of writing.  She even required analyses of each essay we wrote- a sort of personal review of the process we went through.  Indeed, the textbook for our class was all about analyzing the process of writing, not just what makes a finished product good and what it might mean.  (I am keeping that textbook... probably forever.)

I was thinking about this this evening and thought of how it is valuable to stop and do that from time to time on everything we do- particularly in my mind, to sit down and really think about what processes I go through as a photographer.  The following is written as if to a client, explaining why I do things certain ways in my photo-editing process and what to expect.


It normally takes me about 4-8 weeks to finish editing a full batch of photos (end product 15-20 photos).  In the week following your photoshoot, I will upload originals from the photoshoot to a private online album which you may review and leave comments- helping me to know which photos are your favorite.  That same week you will also see about 5 finished photos published to a public web album for your enjoyment, as well as my blog and facebook page.  Thereafter I tend to edit 2-5 photos a week (depending on my work schedule and the amount of editing required per photo) until I have completed at least 15 edits with which I personally feel satisfied.  A single photo may require only 5 minutes of editing (this is rare) or it may require 60 minutes (a little on the excessive side, but in no way unheard of with the perfection I strive to achieve with each photo).  I will spend on average probably about 30 minutes per photo.  With this amount of time required and understanding that photography is not a full-time job for me, it easy to see how I (along with other portrait photographers) may take 6 weeks to finish editing photos for my clients.


I have never produced just 15 edited photos for a client- I often produce multiple edits of one photo (and count that as only 1 of your 15-20 finished), and will end up producing less than 20 only if the edits required were of a more time-consuming nature.  It is important to me to have your feedback on which photos are your favorite and I make it a priority to produce edited photos that will satisfy you based on what you have told me and what I know about you. However, I rarely edit all photos you may have marked as favorites.  My artistic opinion and professional experience and knowledge guide my decision of which photos to edit, weighing in mind the primary factors of the finished quality, potential and client satisfaction of each photo I work on.  (I ask myself questions like: how will this look when i am done?  do i feel that this is a photo i would personally want to display in my home if it were of me?  will it make my client smile?  does it evoke an emotion?  how can i enhance this photo- what would it take to achieve the vision i have of what this image could be? etc etc.)

With every photoshoot, I learn and employ a new skill.  Sometimes that skill is behind the camera, during the photoshoot.  Sometimes that skill is something nifty I've learned in photoshop or using a new photo-editing program.  With every shoot, the end result is a product created from hard work and creative detail.  The photos are not only added to my portfolio, but the experience of producing them expands my photographic capabilities and skills.