So I have this essay I have to finish for a class I already took but didn't finish, and I've been avoiding really digging in and accomplishing much. Now it's getting down to the wire and I'm afraid that I must actually write... Bear with me, please, as I babble. Or you can just not read this. Whichever.
Now we'll try a prompt... Why am I stuck? (Wait a moment while I find some nice background music for myself... my playlist? hopefully it won't get too distracting... otherwise I'll opt out for classical later....)
Why am I stuck?
aside from the fact that I've procrastinated... but then it comes down to- why have i procrastinated? enough questions.
my first thought is-- i haven't done enough research. i don't know enough about bone marrow transplants to write and essay on them. some little stubborn voice inside me says- so what! who said that a research essay about bone marrow transplants had to be just about the technical aspect? you've done other research- lots of it! you've talked to roo and interviewed her, gone thru emails, and watched her live the effects of the transplant and the illness that necessitated it. that is research enough for a pretty strong essay foundation. you have put a lot of thought into it all- even if most of that time, that thought has been in the back of your head. processing, as it were. okay then, so just get type and get those digesting thoughts digested and forming a final product- even if that product isn't pretty, it is much more substantial than it would be if it were still stuck in your bowels. (sorry readers for the gross metaphor/analogy-ing... that's just the way i've come to think, i guess. i guess it's similar to using roo's stomach hole as a body part when we played mad libs.) if you don't like the product, then flush it down the toilet. at least it will then be out of your system and you'll be able to to better digest other thoughts, hopefully producing something, though rough and unpolished and maybe even somewhat incoherent, you may still produce something worth revising and finishing. cutting chunks of something or other out of a big rock until you get a chunk that might just have potential, then scraping it around with your knife or whatever other tools you have, forming it into a lovely little stone to be quite admired. and so, don't be afraid to babble and produce some crappy work. there's a reason that rough drafts might just have the label "crap". so finish up the digestion process and produce some already!!
alrighty then, if i don't have to worry so much about the amount of research i've done (i could do tons and still feel uncomfortable), what am i worrying about?
and there it is... it's the fact that i will be writing about a dear friend. how do i do her justice in writing about her? i need to be honest- blunt. i need to get as close as i can to expressing truth, or rather-- to presenting truth, in such a manner that allows others to analyze it on their. and trust, that people will analyze the material appropriately and come to the correct conclusions. isn't that what good writing does? presents some material, then guides the reader to the well of truth, hoping that they may just partake of it themselves.... you can lead a horse to water, but you have to trust him to decide whether or not to drink.
okay, so the essay will be about not the oversweeping arching topic of bone marrow transplants in general- forget donnell e. thomas. forget the fact that the assignment was to write about something that happened the year i was born. put in italics at the top, if you feel you must, this message- "the year i was born, dr. donnell e. thomas recieved a nobel prize for his pioneering work with bone marrow transplants. this is a story about a recipient of the fruits of his labors- an evidence of the noble work he has done and how it has altered our world, leaving it better." then be done with all thought of trying to tie in your birth year.
a bone marrow transplant kept my friend here. for seven years. an early death, she knew was inevitable. if only i had known! if only i had taken the time and the courage to talk to her more about it! instead, i ignored the fact. disbelieved it. when she died, it slapped me in the face. her long fight for her life was over. i thank my God that it lasted as long as it did, and in the next breath, i think Him that it is over. most of all- i thank my God for the gift of my friend.
a bone marrow transplant brushes death. most of us walk down the sidewalk, see Death further along the way, and cross the street, hoping that doing so will discourage him and cause him to leave. a patient and her caregivers see Death not too far down the road, and realize that they can't cross the street to the other side. Death will come. so they mosey on up to him, look him in the eye, shake his hand, and say "please, go down the way a bit more and wait for me there. i'd like to walk along this sidewalk a bit longer." and then they keep walking, acutely aware of Death's proximity, but not knowing how far ahead he may actually be, or even if he is just walking by their side. is he laughing at how you boldly shook his hand? or is he respecting you for that boldness, and willing to wait for you to go with him a little while?
roo's bone marrow was Death's accomplice. first there was the aplastic anemia. (reference Anemia.) then there was the myelodysplasia.
i'll come back to this later. time for a break.
No comments:
Post a Comment