thoughts for today

[ i wrote this in an email to me mum, but thought i'd share it here, just 'cuz these are my thoughts for the day ]

and oy vey... harrison called me this morning and asked if i could get my flute pieces to the school because he found a flute player to cover for me at the concert. i felt like crying. marianne's gonna pick up the music from me on her way home from school. it sucks. i've worked so hard and beethoven's 5th! and i really really enjoy playing it!! it's frustrating. but i know that's what should happen 'cuz i haven't been able to practice as much as i've needed to... but oh, i guess it's just dissapointing because orchestra was one thing that i thought my being sick wouldn't affect so much. i mean, missing days yes, but i've kind of always relied on my flute abilities to, er, sustain me despite that. but... performances? missing out on those?? the last one i didn't play in because i had to leave stage to go throw up... this one, because i just haven't been around, may not be ready... harrison did say he was sorry to hear i wasn't doing well. and i know he meant it. thank goodness for that. it's just hard, i guess, to not feel like my being sick is taking over.
i was talking to eddy about that a bit this morning. it was good for me, 'cuz once i got through some babbling about that, i got to thinking about how absolutely amazing it is that despite all the things i kinda loose 'cuz of being sick, there are still so many wonderful things to be grateful for. i'm so glad for it, and for that peace that's always accessible to me. i would do well to remember that more often. :)

so those are my thoughts of the day. that's what i'm trying to do w/ my brain while i work some more on that essay and i should get around to resting some.... and- aaoooh! the act! sigh. okay.

that's me.