Being sick is frustrating. I woke up at 5:20 only to push the snooze button again. I pushed it a few times and finally texted my friend asking if she could give me a ride after seminary to the college. I realized I wouldn't be able to make it to my 6:15 church class, but knew I still had to go to the college (dang them). I found myself praying- I had no idea how I would get out of bed. I finally found myself sitting upright. Can I say- postural changes have recently become more of a problem for me? I sit up from laying down- wait a moment for head to stop hurting and my sight to get clear again. Stand up from sitting- wait a moment; again. Stand up from laying?- don't even think about it. Stand up quick and run to grab the phone- hey! come back vision! come back!
I don't mean to be complaining here, and I'm aware that I am somewhat. Normally, however, I keep my complaining to myself (or at least try to). In this instance, I figured I'd indulge a bit. You see, I'm bothered by how my body is doing (or not doing, for that matter) and kind of scared about it. There. That's out.
I'm scared.
And it feels danged good to admit it.
Ah, I can breath now. Lovely.
The neurologist said last Friday that she thinks my nausea/vomiting problem is seperate from my migraines. Obviously, the migraines and nausea feed each other- having one problem certainly doesn't help another problem- exacerbates it, actually. Okay, so I guess that's alright- I have migraines. Severe, chronic, hard-to-treat migraines. And my nausea problem (aka stomach problem) is something aside from that.
I find it hard to buy. Considering that the nausea started only a couple months after the migraines did... but then, it does make sense. I guess the scared part of me just sits there and thinks that they must be a part some bigger, scarier thing that I can't even concieve of. Big scary monster in the middle of the room; and we're all blind.
Nay, that's not really the case, tho. Well, perhaps it may be- but the monster surely isn't that scary.
Maybe the migraines and nausea are related- we'll let the GI doctor worry about that. The neuro's job is to worry about my migraines. There's something to figure out with my stomach nonetheless, and maybe it is related to my migraines. Maybe it isn't. Does it matter?
Not really. What really matters is just figuring it out. I will do the best I can, trust that the doctor is doing so, and leave the rest to God.
At the risk of abandoning the peace that previous statement gives, I continue on to my next concern...
Illness getting in the way of life. It sucks. I feel bad enough when I have to cancel something, or when I miss out on something- I have this terrible feeling of guilt and anxiety and sometimes it even makes my nausea and headache worse! (I am not going to deny that stress affects my stomach and head- but I will say that it isn't the cause of my problems... more on that another time.) The point being- I don't want to cancel things. I don't want to miss out on things. I don't even want to skip cleaning (despite its undesirableness). I don't want to have to put assignments aside and turn them in late. I don't want my health problems to get in the way of anything.
The frustrating part is when people don't understand that I'm not doing or getting things done because I'm sick. When after explaining what's going on and why I can't ______ (fill in the blank), they look at me with that doubt and just say, hesitantly, "well... okay" ("...but you don't look sick...") as if they're trying to convince a child that they believe the teacher really didn't assign any homework- even though they're pretty sure the teacher actually did.
So, for anyone who doesn't understand, let me clarify:
I'm sick. That's why I don't get things done. That's why I can't get them done sometimes. You may think I'm rationalizing (sometimes I think I'm rationalizing!), but I'll tell you that my health problems are very real and very annoying. I'm doing all I can to get healthy and to, in the meantime, maintain any health that I happen to be in possession of. That's why I'll say "I can't do this"- maybe I physically am capable of doing it, but sometimes (much much more often than I'd prefer) I have to step back and put taking care of my body as top priority. That sometimes means putting aside things that are really really important. That beats me up. I hate it. I wish it weren't so. But such is life; -at least for me.
But- I have friends. And I have my faith. I feel sorry for those who lack either and especially for those who lack both. I have people to talk to. I have people who will listen and understand- sympathize; some even to empathize. I have a computer to babble out all the stuff in my head that I would stumble to say out loud. I have a telephone. I have doctors. Church leaders. I have my God- my Heavenly Father- who listens to me when I pray. Who watches me and watches out for me. Who answers my prayers- I know this to be true. (What's that song from the Children's Hymnbook?- "He hears and answers me when I pray in faith.") I have a gospel perspective on trials that allows me to see the silver lining in very un-fun situations. I have a family that loves me and makes sacrifices for me. O wonderful blessings! My health problems are something that can be diagnosed and dealt with. My situation will change- in what way, I don't know. I have a pretty darn good grasp on my mental health (if I do say so myself), and am able to find peace when I feel hopeless. I am able to love people and to be loved. Isn't life wonderful?
So, to any of you who don't understand what it's like to have being sick as your default, please cut me some slack. I am doing all I can. I would love to explain it to you if you asked. Just please try to understand and don't label me as lacking, lazy, unmotivated, etc. because of something I can't control.
And I'll try to remember to not get to offended or upset when you aren't very understanding. I'll try to remember to smile, shake my head, and let it go.
Besides- getting upset about it doesn't help my health.
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